You're Welcome

I had a conversation this week with someone about the culture in some churches that unintentionally build barriers to keep out anyone who does not fit a particular stereotype. It is often said that Sunday morning is the most segregated time of the week, not just racially, but in many other ways as well. Suits vs. jeans? Ties vs. tattoos? Unfamiliar with the liturgy? Wrong Bible translation? We wouldn’t (I hope!) tell them they can’t come in the building, but we may not go out of our way to make others feel loved and welcomed. I heard somewhere recently that most churches think they are more welcoming than they are perceived by newcomers.

After spending more than 5 hours at the DMV last week and observing the variety of people waiting, I spent some time thinking about that interesting gathering. I kind of wished I could get to know a couple of the people better, but wondered if they would feel as comfortable talking about real life at a church gathering as they did with strangers at the DMV.

In the latest episode of the You’re Not Crazy podcast, Sam Allberry and Ray Ortlund were talking about Romans 14-15. These chapters deal with church conflict and disagreements about what is acceptable. This section of Scripture includes “Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God” (Rom. 15:7). Sam made the comment, “If I don’t welcome someone God has welcomed, what I’m saying is, I know better than God. I’ve got better standards than Him.”

When Jesus was talking about the final judgment, He indicated that some would be told, “I was a stranger and you did not welcome Me, naked and you did not clothe Me, sick and in prison and you did not visit Me” (Matt. 25:43). How many people even within a local church feel like they have to keep their “true self” hidden in order to be welcome? How many secrets sit in pews on Sunday morning?

In our current culture, I suspect most of us don’t even want to talk about who we’re going to vote for in the general election, much less about what temptations we’re struggling with or the problems in our lives and families. Disagreement on even minor issues seems to lead to alienation, so who dares to talk about things that really matter?

I have my own secrets that are likely to remain secret because of things I’ve heard said by church members in the past. Although I can be the chameleon who blends into a variety of settings, I’m not convinced that some people would still welcome me if they knew all the stuff I keep hidden. Even though I am confident that God welcomes me and loves me, I’m not so sure about the attitudes of some of His people.

When Christian news sources are full of stories about church splits, lawsuits, and coverups, it doesn’t give a lot of confidence that we are “eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Eph. 4:3). It’s striking that the verses just before that say that part of walking in a manner worthy of our calling is to exercise “all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love” (vv. 1-2). Welcoming those who are unlike us requires the humility of remembering that we are not the final judge of someone’s salvation or sanctification. God delights in saving people that we may consider unlikely candidates! Even the apostles included a spectrum from fishermen to tax collectors, to persecutors of the church. If we dare to look in the mirror, we may see a bit of Pharisee in our reflection.

How is your church putting out the welcome sign? Would the stranger from the DMV feel comfortable walking in the door? Have you visited a different church recently to remember what it feels like?

“Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight” (Rom. 12:16).

© 2024 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Soft Hearts

As often happens to me, multiple information streams have converged on a unified theme this week, so this is kind of a compilation of those inputs and an extension of what I wrote last week. I was sharing this quote from C.S. Lewis with a friend:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable” (The Four Loves).

While I was typing that, this passage from Ezekiel came to mind:

“And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh, that they may walk in My statutes and keep My rules and obey them. And they shall be My people, and I will be their God” (Ezek. 11:19-20).

So my immediate thought was that the goal of the Christian life is to have increasingly soft hearts, which means we are increasingly vulnerable, not impenetrable. Jesus fleshed this out (literally and metaphorically) to say that the heart of flesh that results in obedience is revealed by our love:

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind... You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets” (Matt. 22:37-40). “By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35).

And while I was pondering that, I listened to the latest sermon podcast from Immanuel Nashville, where Sam Allberry was preaching on Romans 15:7: “Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God.” He commented:

“What makes the church different isn’t that we’re committed to meeting together—lots of people are committed to meeting together. What is meant to be different is that there’s meant to be a uniqueness to the way we are with each other—for the glory of God... The word Paul is using for ‘welcome’ in the original text is a strong word. Other translations translate ‘Accept one another as Christ has accepted you.’ But ‘acceptance’ sounds like merely tolerating. We’re not to tolerate each other, because Christ hasn’t merely tolerated us. He’s welcomed us. So the kind of welcome Paul is speaking of here is a welcome of deep belonging, because Christ, through His death on the cross for us, has pulled us deep into His heart. That is what it means for Him to welcome us.”

He went on to illustrate what that looks like from various “one another” passages in the New Testament. I think many churches have settled for a rather anemic view of community and fellowship. I’ve heard somewhere that most churches think they are more welcoming of newcomers than they really are. And even people who have been in the church for years may not really be known by the people in the next pew. As Allberry noted, these days everyone needs encouragement, yet we assume that everyone else is fine because we never get close enough to find out. Are we truly welcoming people into the depths of our hearts, or are we just meeting together once or twice a week?

“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near” (Heb. 10:24-25).

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Related resource:

This was a thought-provoking article on the difficulty of finding community:

https://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2024/july-august/confessions-loner-community-loneliness.html

© 2024 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Light and Life

The BBC recently posted this video about an Australian weather caster’s on-air panic attack. I appreciate that they used this as an opportunity to educate and encourage their viewers. Things like this make me feel a little less like a misfit in the world. I’ve been fairly open about my own experiences with anxiety and depression, largely because I’m tired of trying to live up to some arbitrary standard of mental health that is elusive at best. Lately I haven’t been able to write my blog posts as often as I used to. When I have time to do so, my brain either descends into fog or jumps and spirals down miscellaneous disconnected paths.

This week I was reading the beginning of 1 John:

“If we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us” (1 John 1:7-8).

I realize that the context is that of walking in holiness and righteousness, confessing our sin to God, and receiving His forgiveness. At the same time, I think we all know that sin is not the only thing we like to keep hidden in darkness. Church culture often tends to avoid revealing any weakness or struggle. Even in small groups it can take a long time to trust one another enough to share our heaviest burdens. (I’ve experienced the awkward silence of a group who didn’t know how to respond to me.) Yet if we can’t share those hard things, how do we ever expect to “confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed” (James 5:16)? Vulnerability has to start somewhere.

In the definition of the Greek word aletheia, Biblehub includes the following: “truth, but not merely truth as spoken; truth of idea, reality, sincerity... In ancient Greek culture, aletheia was synonymous for ‘reality’ as the opposite of illusion.” Sometimes it seems as though we are determined to keep up the illusion of competency and self-sufficiency, even though Scripture clearly says that we are meant to be dependent on God and on one another (2 Cor. 3:5-6, 9:8, 12:9, Gal. 6:2, et al).

Younger generations are more likely to value authenticity, though for many that has come to mean “Affirm me in my sinful state.” That is not the goal of Christian fellowship. We are to share our burdens, struggles, temptations, and sin in order to be lifted up, cleansed, and enabled to love and serve God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength. Certainly there are times when confidentiality is necessary, and some people cannot be trusted with personal information, but in general the Church should be a place where it is safe to admit our deepest needs and where we can pray for more than just physical problems.

I used to think that Proverbs 4:23, “Above all else, guard your heart” (NIV), meant to not let anyone get close enough to know what was going on inside. It’s taken me a long time to realize that guarding your heart isn’t done by keeping everyone at a distance, but by allowing trustworthy people close enough to see the wounds and struggles so they can be a source of healing and hope.

Jesus said that not only is He the Light of the world (John 8:12), but that we are too (Matt. 5:14). We have the privilege and responsibility of shining the light of His truth into all the dark spots that keep us from loving God and loving one another as we should. His light shining through us brings life to that which is dead and dying inside.

“Whoever follows Me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life” (John 8:12b).

***

Related resource: Why the American Church Can’t Fix Loneliness by Russell Moore

© 2024 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Yes, Mental Illness Exists

A prominent Christian leader is reported to have said recently that “There is no such thing as mental illness.” While I agree that we need to normalize the experience of suffering, mourning, and anxiety within the church, his statement is likely to have the opposite effect, which makes me sad. Those of us who take medication for various mental illnesses don’t need added shame for not being able to cope without them. We feel plenty of shame already, because it feels like everyone else has stronger faith and better coping skills than we do. Even if science can’t explain why, some medications do help some people. They don’t necessarily fix the problems, but they reduce the symptoms enough that we can carry on with daily life and, hopefully, get good, godly counsel as well. As Kathryn Butler notes in a new article from TGC:

“The first stop when seeking help for depression is your primary doctor’s office, but it shouldn’t be the last. While a doctor determines whether an antidepressant will help, it’s critically important to couple any medication with counseling.”

However, godly counseling can be hard to find as well, particularly if one is relying on the local church to provide it. Most pastors and church leaders don’t have the training or the time to provide the deep, long-term counseling that many of their church members need. And depending on their theology, they may create more problems than they solve. I’ve been blessed to find a Christian counselor within the medical system, but available appointments are few. For those with more intensive needs, it can be expensive to get the necessary help.

In the CT 2024 Pastors Special Issue, Jeannie Whitlock writes of Recapturing Wonder in a Cynical Age:

“Many of us haven’t even processed everything we have lost, pushed by a culture that urges us to quickly move on. But as Christian Wiman warns, unaddressed grief will make itself known, showing up in ‘every kind of crying but the kind you can see.’ Our bodies keep the score. Bottled sorrow can metastasize into physical ailments, unexplained fatigue, heartache, weakened immunity, or constant irritation. Yet, many American Christians are terrible at grieving.”

Often times it seems as though the church has lost the art of lament, in part because we’ve forgotten how to bear one another’s burdens. We’ve accepted superficial relationships as “good enough.” If the church were better at all the “one another” commands, there probably would be less need for medications and outside counseling services, but those will never completely go away in this lifetime. We live in a broken world, where our bodies and minds are impacted by sickness, suffering, and sin (our own and others’). Telling people “there’s no such thing as mental illness” is somewhere on the spectrum between “Just deal with it” and “If you just have enough faith you will be healed,” neither of which is helpful or encouraging.

In the midst of writing this, a severe storm moved through the area, providing me with an analogy. The property next to my house was recently clear-cut for building an electrical substation. When the storm came, a large pine tree that was left at the edge of the woods fell across the power lines. Because it no longer had neighboring trees on three sides, it was more susceptible to the wind than it had been before. Likewise, many Christians, and especially those struggling with mental illness, feel like they are on the fringe of church life with little support and protection from the storms of life. We need aid in whatever forms we can get it.

Perhaps we all need the reminder that God “comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer” (2 Cor. 1:4-6).

“Therefore encourage one another with these words” (1 Thess. 4:18).

© 2024 Dawn Rutan. Image courtesy of SAMHSA.gov. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Look at Me

David Brooks writes in How to Know a Person,

“Apparently we live in a society in which people don’t get to tell their stories. We work and live around people for years without ever knowing their tales. How did it come to be this way? …We don’t start conversations because we’re bad at predicting how much we’ll enjoy them. We underestimate how much others want to talk; we underestimate how much we will learn; we underestimate how quickly other people will want to go deep and get personal. If you give people a little nudge, they will share their life stories with enthusiasm… people are eager, often desperate, to be seen, heard, and understood. And yet we have built a culture, and a set of manners, in which that doesn’t happen.”

We’ve all heard little children demanding, “Look at me! Look at me!” Somewhere along the way we stop may asking for attention, but we never stop needing it. And for many people, an obsession with the screens in front of us leads us to stop offering attention to others. Brooks writes,

“The question everybody is unconsciously asking themselves when they meet you: ‘Am I a person to you? Do you care about me? Am I a priority for you?’”

All too often, even in the church and Christian organizations, it feels like the answer is No. The isolation of the pandemic accelerated our loss of social skills, including non-verbal communication, but this isn’t exactly a new problem. More than once in Scripture God made Himself known to those who felt invisible, such as Joseph, Moses, and Hannah. God spoke to Hagar in the wilderness, leading her to proclaim, “You are a God of seeing… Truly here I have seen Him who looks after me” (Gen. 16:13). Jesus spoke to the Samaritan woman at the well, and she told her neighbors, “Come, see a man who told me all that I ever did” (John 4:29). In the book of Acts, Peter and John saw a lame man and Peter said, “Look at us,” and then proceeded to heal the man. Truly seeing the man and his need resulted in a gift far greater than merely giving him alms.

The book of Proverbs has much to say about friendship and our words, such as:

• “A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends” (16:28).
• “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (17:17).
• “He who loves purity of heart, and whose speech is gracious, will have the king as his friend” (22:11).
• “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy” (27:6).
• “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest council” (27:9).

Brooks notes that many people think they are better conversationalists than they really are. And many more feel inadequate in conversation. While we can learn from books and blogs, perhaps the best teacher is experience. If we are more intentional in engaging in conversations and asking questions, we can learn a lot from one another.

May we be those who seek to let others know that they are seen and heard, and that they are loved by God and by us.

“Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body” (Prov. 16:24).

Related resources:

Gavin Ortlund teaching on good listening

Russell Moore interviews David Brooks

Russell Moore and Andy Crouch on tech obsession

© 2024 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

A Shared Faith

“You may not believe me now, but I want you to hold on to my faith because I believe that Jesus can change your life.”

I came across this sentence recently, though now I’ve forgotten where I read it. There are times when it is hard to believe that God is working all things for good (Rom. 8:28), or that “The Lord is my strength and my shield” (Ps. 28:7) if He doesn’t seem to be on guard against the difficult times we each face. Sometimes we need those friends who can say, “You may not have the faith you think you need right now, but I’ll believe for the both of us.”

It reminds me of the paralytic in Mark 2 whose four friends carried him to Jesus and cut a hole in the roof just to make sure Jesus saw him. I wonder if that man was a confident in the results as his friends were? Was he saying, “Guys, why are you wasting your time with this expedition?” Jesus didn’t specifically refer to the man’s faith. Verse 5 says, “And when Jesus saw their faith, He said to the paralytic, ‘Son, your sins are forgiven.’” After this odd response, the man doesn’t suddenly jump up from his cot. He apparently lays there and listens to the lecture to those who doubt Jesus. It isn’t until Jesus commands him to pick up his bed and walk that he realized he was healed.

There are several times in Scripture when Jesus mentions someone’s “little faith” (Matt 6:30; 8:26; 14:31; 16:8; 17:20). Usually it’s a word to His disciples, encouraging them to believe He is who He says He is. A few people were commended for their faith; for example, the centurion whose servant was sick (Matt. 8:10), a Canaanite woman whose daughter was oppressed by demons (Matt. 15:28), and the woman who had been bleeding for twelve years (Matt. 9:22).

There is no one-size-fits-all standard of faith. Our confidence in God can ebb and flow over time and through changing circumstances. We all hope we are growing in faith, but there are hills and valleys throughout life. That’s why we need to be engaged with the church, vitally connected to the Body of Christ. We need those who will lift us up when we are weak, fearful, discouraged, or struggling. And in turn, we need to lift others up when we have the faith that they are lacking at a difficult time in life.

This week I had a random phone call from a stranger who read a couple verses of Scripture and encouraged me with the reminder that Jesus is coming again soon. I have no idea what prompted her to this particular ministry of encouragement and evangelism, though I’m glad there are people like that. But how much more powerful is an encouraging word when it comes from a friend who knows the road we’re on and offers to come alongside saying, “Lean on my faith for this season.”

May we all be those who share our faith, not just in terms of evangelism of unbelievers, but in encouraging fellow believers to keep holding on no matter how small their faith feels.

“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing” (1 Thess. 5:11).

© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Friends in Hard Times

I wrote the following for my denomination’s women’s ministry email for June.

When I was growing up, due to frequent relocations (8 schools in 12 years) I was always the new kid on the block. That, along with being extremely shy, meant that I rarely had more than one person I would consider a close friend. I never went to a church that had a youth group, and I probably wouldn’t have attended if they did. Then I went off to a Christian college that had about 2000 students. Once I adjusted to dorm life, I discovered a whole new world of Christian friendships. I realize now what a blessing it was to have a close community of people to live, learn, and worship with every day. Even though I went through some difficult struggles during those years, including major depression that caused me to lose my job as a resident assistant my junior year, I knew there were people just down the hall who cared about me and were looking out for me.

Fast forward to 1997 and moving to Charlotte, living alone, a new job, and a new church. There have been many times over the years that I’ve felt isolated and lonely. Then along came the pandemic, a pastoral transition at my church, even more isolation and an extended season of depression, and the opportunities for close friendships often seem few and far between.

May was Mental Health Awareness month, and I’ve been listening to some podcasts on mental illness from Christian sources. One series in particular, “Things You Won’t Hear on Sunday,” has been an encouraging reminder that other Christians struggle with these issues too. In one episode they mention a person who came over and lay down on the floor beside his severely depressed friend and kept speaking words of hope to him. That is a beautiful picture of the Body of Christ at its best—coming alongside, stooping low, lifting up those who are wounded, weary, and weak. I know when I’m burdened with clinical depression I don’t have the energy or willpower even to think of who I could call to come over, much less the desire to actually pick up the phone and do it. That’s when I wonder whether the church knows what it means to be one Body in Christ (Eph. 4:4), loving one another (1 Jn. 4:7), and weeping with those who weep (Rom. 12:15).

All too often we’ve allowed culture to influence our choices. A “friend” is now someone who has your social media contact info. Remote work is seen as a “necessity” because it is more efficient and productive. “Faith” is between you and God and the church is irrelevant. Really? Last I checked, Jesus reaffirmed that the first two commandments were to love God and to love others (Luke 10:27-28). As an email from Women of Joy commented, “loving others is pretty difficult when you’re not around others.” It’s impossible to fulfill all the “one another” commands in isolation.

There is a lot of stigma surrounding mental illness. Many of us work hard to hide our struggles out of fear of being rejected, judged for our “weakness” and “lack of faith,” and shame because it seems like no one else has this difficulty. Just because someone can make it to work and smile at people doesn’t mean they aren’t dealing with serious depression, anxiety, or other issues. It can be hard to know who is struggling if you don’t take the time to build deep friendships first. I would challenge everyone to look around and see who might be feeling extra weary and burdened, and do whatever you can to come alongside them. Those who most need encouragement and support may be unable or afraid to ask for it.

© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Look Up

When Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment is, He did not say, “Love God and love the people who live in your house.” Nor did He say, “Love God, complete this to-do list, and then if there’s time left over love the people around you.” Instead, He said:

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets” (Matt. 22:37-40).

Most of us in the church understand that we’re supposed to love God first and foremost (though we may not know how to do that very well). But I think many get their priorities confused when it comes to the second commandment of loving others. In our modern American culture, we place a lot of value on the individual and then on the nuclear family. Other cultures and eras would find this totally bizarre, because they focus on the needs of the community first. We also tend to prioritize productivity over people. I’ve seen this happen even in churches and ministries, where accomplishing a task or mission consumes everyone’s attention while people are left to struggle and suffer alone.

In Romans 1 the Apostle Paul wrote, “I long to see you, that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to strengthen you—that is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith, both yours and mine” (11-12). He wrote to the Thessalonians, “So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us... For you know how, like a father with his children, we exhorted each one of you and encouraged you and charged you to walk in a manner worthy of God, who calls you into His own kingdom and glory” (1 Thess. 2:8, 11-12). Paul exemplified loving God and loving others wholeheartedly.

There seems to be a mindset that says church is what we do on Sunday mornings and maybe Wednesday nights, and the rest of the time you’re on your own. But I don’t see that reflected in Scripture, where the Church is described as the Body of Christ (1 Cor. 12:27) and brothers and sisters in Christ (Mark 3:33-35), nor is that individualism illustrated in the description of the early fellowship in Acts 2:42-47.

We don’t have to live in a commune to invest in the lives of those around us, but we do need to look up from our phones and laptops and to-do lists, and actually (and frequently) interact with one another in person. Screens are not sufficient for the purpose. Mark Mayfield commented in the introduction to his book The Path Out of Loneliness:

“We are relational beings who need eye-to-eye, face-to-face contact and proximity on a regular basis. As a society, we are operating out of significant deficits... [Many have] questioned when [was] the last time you were truly seen as a person, loved for who you are, and valued as a unique human soul.”

The more our technology draws us in, the more often we need to be reminded to look up and see one another for who God has made us to be and how He has created us to be interdependent.

“This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you” (John 15:12).

© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Connections

Some people might understand my feelings lately that I struggle to know how to connect with people in reciprocal ways. Although I have some people that I consider close friends, I have no idea whether those people perceive the relationships the same way I do. For them I may an acquaintance, coworker, friend, or close friend, but I don’t know.

I’ve been watching some YouTube videos from autistic folks lately, particularly from Tony Attwood, and also from “Mom on the Spectrum.” She has two videos on autism and friendship. I could identify with much of what she talked about in terms of not understanding what people expect from relationships or how to communicate in ways that are understood from both sides. However, I think much of what was said could apply to most anyone who is an introvert or highly sensitive person: hating small talk, wanting deeper conversations and perhaps going too deep too fast, finding group settings draining as you try to understand and navigate varying expectations, etc. Taking such videos at face value, and realizing that many may be coming from self-diagnosed autistics, one might conclude that the spectrum is incredibly wide. I think it is indeed wider than many people realize, because of the stereotypes that are prevalent in society (think Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory). I believe there is value in the “neurodiversity” conversation, and that we should stop thinking in terms of “normal” and “abnormal.” But that's kind of a tangential issue. 

As I’ve said before, I think most people in modern society could use training in how to develop real relationships and communicate better. We’ve become so tech-driven and socially-distanced that all relationships are suffering. Chatting at the coffee pot or making plans to spend quality time with people outside our nuclear family have become exceptions rather than the rule. Those of us who are introverts, have social anxiety, and/or are unmarried are finding it harder and harder to connect with people, and many of us are suffering from loneliness in our isolation.

One of the issues I have is trying to figure out how to ask people for the relational interaction I want and need. I think this is particularly hard in church relationships because we’re constantly being told “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Phil. 2:3-4). I’ve always taken that to mean: never ask for help, never intrude on anyone else’s time and space, just do your job to serve other people and don’t expect anything in return. However, I would note a couple things:

1) Paul said “look not only to his own interests.” He didn’t say “Ignore your own interests.” Stewarding your time, energy, and relationships well shouldn’t have to mean burning out because you’ve given all you can and no one is feeding back into your life. Jesus quoted from Isaiah 42, “a bruised reed He will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not quench” (Matt. 12:20). When we are bruised and depleted, we need people who will help to hold us up. What we don’t need is another command to “think about others first.” (I hate the acronym “Jesus-Others-You,” and the way sayings like that are often used to shame people into serving others.) While I do think some of the conversations about “self-care” often turn into selfishness, we need to reframe the issues. Some authors have framed it this way: the choice is not just between selfishness and selflessness, but also includes self-awareness. Which brings me to my second observation:

2) We are all at different places in our daily walk with God. Some are experiencing times of weakness, while others are in times of strength. Some are great encouragers, others are great leaders, and others are great at serving others. Some currently have many demands on their time and energy, while others have more freedom, and some people simply have more energy to begin with. And some people find relationships easier to navigate than others do. There is no single standard for what loving and serving one another should look like. And that’s why we belong to the Body of Christ, where all our gifts, abilities, and personalities should come together and we “encourage one another and build one another up” (1 Thess. 5:11), each in our unique ways. Looking to the interests of others ought to mean “What do I currently have to contribute and how might that benefit a particular person or group? And where am I weak that I need others to help and support me right now?”

Admittedly, our perceptions of our own wants and needs can be tainted by sin, but that doesn’t mean we totally ignore our feelings of weakness and depletion. We are human beings who are made to need one another, not automatons that can run continuously without recharging. I would suggest that this misperception is a prime factor in pastoral burnout as well as people leaving the church. True, church is not “all about me,” but I am one of the “one anothers” who needs the church just as much as it needs me.

“In [Christ] the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord. In Him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit” (Eph. 2:21-22).

© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Can I Get a Witness?

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us” (Heb. 12:1).

I think many Christians misunderstand the “cloud of witnesses” in this verse. I’ve written about this before (here), but I think it bears repeating often. The author of Hebrews is not just referring to the believers who have died before us. (If you believe in sleep of the dead, then those people are not watching us right now.) You could make a case that our predecessors are witnesses in the sense that their stories bear witness to the work of God in their lives, and therefore we can draw encouragement from them. That would certainly follow the theme of the Hall of Faith in chapter 11.

However, I think there is an equally valid interpretation that the witnesses are those who are currently running the race of faith with us. (And who’s to say there can’t be multiple meanings in the same verse? After all, God is the master Author.) In Hebrews 10:24-25 we are reminded, “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”

We need each other in the family of God. Christian community is not simply a nice side dish—it is the main course, one of the primary reasons for the entity we call the Church (Acts 2:42-47). Through the bond of Christian fellowship, we encourage one another to hold onto the faith, we exhort each other to keep pursuing holiness, we bear one another’s burdens and lift each other up with prayer, we support one another in ministry, and our love for one another bears witness of our faith to unbelievers. On our own, every one of us is weak and vulnerable to sin, denial, and foolishness.

Jesus said, “This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:12-13; see also 1 John 3:16). We tend to read this through the eyes of martyrdom, and certainly Jesus exemplified the ultimate sacrifice. But how ready are we to lay down our daily lives for one another—our time, our personal wishes, and our to-do lists? There are things that are far more important than a clean house, groomed yard, or meeting a deadline.

I find myself writing often about true community because I think the Church in general, and particularly in Western culture, is often very inept and in fact disobedient when it comes to following through with the “one another” commands. We are far too independent-minded for our own good. People are suffering in silence and isolation, and some of their lives end in suicide because they have no one who will help to hold them up and give them reason to endure. 

I’ve been in counseling in the past, and there are good reasons for seeing a professional counselor, but there would be a lot less need for paid professionals if Christians were doing all that the Bible tells us to do for one another. Most of us don’t need advice so much as we need a listening ear and embracing arms. Many, if not most, churches need to do a much better job of surrounding every member with that great cloud of witnesses, not just on Sunday morning but every day and night of the week.

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity… There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Prov. 17:17, 18:24).

© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

How Do I Love Thee?

Most folks are probably aware of Gary Chapman’s 1992 book, The Five Love Languages and its sequels. He lists five primary ways in which people give and receive expressions of love: 1) words of affirmation, 2) acts of service, 3) gifts, 4) quality time, and 5) physical touch. I ran across a couple articles recently that got me thinking about that again.

The author of the first article had done an informal survey which showed that most people receive or experience love most through quality time, but give mostly through acts of service. I’d say that is true for me as well. But it made me wonder—if most of us want quality time with the people we love, why is it that we don’t actually do that very well or very frequently? The answer, of course, is busyness. We are either too busy, or we think that others are too busy, so we don’t make the effort to find that time together that we desire. And I think that also points to why we offer love through acts of service as well, because at some level we think “Maybe I can’t spend time with that person right now, but I can do something for them. And if I do something for them, maybe it will allow time and opportunity for quality time together.” The other languages of gifts, touch, and words of affirmation seem more fleeting, and therefore less valuable.

That brings me to the second article, David Powlison’s critique of the book. He raises several good points, but perhaps the biggest problem we all deal with is that we can become entirely self-centered in pursuit of what we think we need from others. I can certainly attest to that. When I don’t get the personal interaction I think I need, I can become snarky, suspicious of others, and judgmental. It irritates me when the only conversations I have some days consist almost entirely of “Good morning” and “See you tomorrow.” I forget about endeavoring to love others regardless of whether I feel loved or not. Powlison points out,

“Chapman… exalts the observation that ‘even tax collectors, gentiles, and sinners love those who love them’ (Matt. 5:46f; Luke 6:32ff) into his guiding principle for human relationships… Fallenness not only brings ignorance about how best to love others; it brings a perverse unwillingness and inability to love. It ingrains the perception that our lusts are in fact needs, empty places inside where others have disappointed us… Chapman never deals with the fact that even desires for good things can still be evil desires in God’s analysis of what makes us tick.”

Ouch! How often are our desires sinfully motivated? How often do our words and actions try to manipulate others for our own benefit? Even something good like writing sermons (or blog posts!) can become opportunities to exalt self and to point the finger at those who don’t measure up to our standards.

While it can be helpful to understand human perceptions and desires so that we can communicate love in ways that others will appreciate, our efforts need to be shaped first and foremost by Scripture. Love includes giving sacrificially to those in need, extending hospitality, embracing others, and encouraging the weak and weary. But it also includes confronting sin, saying no to lesser gods, and sometimes disfellowshipping the unrepentant. We are even called to “love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return” (Luke 6:35), knowing that our reward comes not from mankind but from our Father in heaven.

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:34-35).

© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Welcome to My World

In the November 2022 issue of Christianity Today, author John Koessler in his article “Truth, Love & Social Media” shares the following:

“After 18th-century literary icon Samuel Johnson had dinner at a friend’s house, his biographer, James Boswell, asked if the conversation had been any good. ‘No, Sir,’ he said. ‘We had talk enough, but no conversation; there was nothing discussed.’

“Johnson’s friend had offered one kind of hospitality at that dinner party, but not another kind: discussion. Conversation, whether remote or in person, is an exercise in hospitality, or welcoming the other. When we engage someone in conversation, we invite them into our thinking.”

Somehow, in the modern church we’ve gotten the idea that hospitality means inviting people into your nice clean home for a classy meal. While that is one expression of hospitality, it’s certainly not the only one. What most of us want is to be seen and known, to have real conversations about real issues. It doesn’t matter where those conversations take place. It could be in your home, your office, the church fellowship hall, or a table at Arby’s (or Chick-fil-A if you’re a “good” Christian).

I think the hardest times in my life have been when I felt like I had no one to talk to, no one who really knew me. Isolation is not only disheartening, but it can also be an enticement to sin. We may say, “If the church isn’t there for me, then I’ll find some other community that will be.” The Bible has more than 30 “one another” commands in the letters of the Apostle Paul alone, and there are another half dozen references to hospitality. That seems to indicate that it is important to God.

“God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together” (1 Cor. 12:24b-26).

How might we foster those kinds of “one another” conversations in our churches? Who do you see who might be living in isolation and need a listening ear?

“May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God” (Rom. 15:5-7).

© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

What’s Love Got to Do With It?

It is not uncommon these days to hear calls for tolerance and acceptance that say, in essence, “If you love me, you’ll let me do whatever makes me happy.” Although this isn’t a new idea, the voices are much louder than they used to be. Often this comes from a misconception of the biblical idea that “God is love.” C.S. Lewis wrote in The Problem of Pain:

“By the goodness of God we mean nowadays almost exclusively His lovingness… And by Love, in this context, most of us mean kindness… What would really satisfy us would be a God who said of anything we happened to like doing, ‘What does it matter so long as they are contented?’ …whose plan for the universe was simply that it might be truly said at the end of each day, ‘a good time was had by all’ …I should very much like to live in a universe which was governed on such lines. But since it is abundantly clear that I don’t, and since I have reason to believe, nevertheless, that God is Love, I conclude that my conception of love needs correction… If God is Love, He is, by definition, something more than mere kindness. And it appears, from all the records, that though He has often rebuked us and condemned us, He has never regarded us with contempt” (35-37).

David Powlison wrote something similar in Good and Angry:

“[God’s] mercy is not niceness. His mercy is not blanket acceptance of any and all. Mercy to us costs him—the blood of the Lamb. And mercy comes to us at the cost of our sins and pride. His kindness is an open invitation to turn to him in repentance and faith, to come to him in our need for mercies freely offered, and our trust in mercies freely given” (as quoted in Take Heart, Jan. 13).

God’s love is not benign approval of whatever we may love and enjoy. His perfect love means He puts divine boundaries on what is acceptable, because He knows what is best for us. We, in our sinful nature, often choose what is less than best—what is convenient, comfortable, and even corrupt. It is for this reason that we have His written Word to guide us, to help us understand what has been true from eternity, as opposed to what may appear true in our culture today.

The Apostle John wrote, “Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent His only Son into the world, so that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins” (1 John 4:8-10).

God didn’t create the world so He could just smile down on whatever His creation wanted to do. He created us to be brought into relationship with Him. Because of our sin that relationship was broken, and so God sent Jesus to pay our debts, redeem us from sin, and make us right with God again. God’s love for us meant that He gave the ultimate sacrifice, not to simply make us happy, but to make us more like Himself, in the perfect righteousness that we’ll experience for eternity if we follow Him as Lord in this life.

So when we look to God’s model of love to guide us, we don’t choose indiscriminate niceness and acceptance of anything and everything our culture comes up with. It doesn’t matter whether the demand is from a child asking for unlimited cookies, or an adult wanting unlimited sex, or anything in between. In love, we should recognize that many things are off limits if we truly want what is best for one another. And we need to look at it from an eternal perspective—will today’s choices lead to ‘fullness of joy and pleasures forevermore at God’s right hand’ (Psalm 16:11), or will they lead to “weeping and gnashing of teeth” (Matt. 13:42 & 50)? True love should make us do all that we can to point people to eternal life, not eternal death.

“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16).

 

© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Out of the Depths

As I write this, I’m in an emotional pit created by a combination of sleepless nights, chronic depression, seasonal depression, and situational depression. In the midst of this, I started reading Embodied Hope: A Theological Meditation on Pain and Suffering, by Kelly Kapic. Although he writes from the perspective of those dealing with physical suffering, much of what he says can be applied to almost any situation. From the back cover, “Too often the Christian attitude toward suffering is characterized by a detached academic appeal to God’s sovereignty, as if suffering were a game or a math problem.” I would describe the book as an appeal to Christians to comfort those who mourn, not with theological treatises or vague platitudes, but by coming alongside the sufferer and entering into their pain. Following are some quotes:

“Even if we had in hand a theodicy [theology reconciling God’s goodness and our pain] that made sense, such dispassionate philosophical explanations leave us empty when we walk in the fire and ashes of genuine suffering. While there is a time to carefully dissect these philosophical problems, that time is not normally with those who are suffering” (ch. 2).

“Claims to provide the reason for a specific experience of suffering abound: divine discipline, for the purpose of church renewal, to bring a watching nurse or neighbor to salvation, or to foster personal humility. Unfortunately, all these claims are made without the true knowledge of exactly why something is happening. Even if these suggestions contain an element of truth, we are not in a position to unpack the mind of God regarding such mysteries… Such explanations assume that some good outcome can nullify or justify the pain, but this is not so. A tragedy is still a tragedy; pain is still pain, even if some insight is gained in the process” (ch. 2).

“Each person is coming from a different circumstance, with specific challenges and needs, with individual strengths and temptations. Part of loving well is figuring out what response is needed and appropriate in a given circumstance (see Jude 22-23). This is where theological instincts and pastoral wisdom come together. To be pastoral does not mean earning money for working in a church… Pastoral in this sense refers to the ability to give wise counsel, to know how to love well, provide necessary guidance, and in the end to help a fellow believer flourish under God’s grace and love” (ch. 2).

Even as our hearts can be prone to question, filled with dread and doubt, let us take confidence that our God personally understands us, not hypothetically but concretely in Christ. Jesus wept tears, for in and through his incarnate life he had fully entered into the drama of fallen human experience. His ache and struggle give new meaning to our tears and suffering: God cares about our sin and distress so much that he enters into it himself” (ch. 7).

“Living within this story means that we strengthen our weakened sisters and brothers by drawing them to and reminding them of the word, presence, and action of the triune God, becoming avenues of God’s grace and mercy… The Christian life requires not an individual but a people—the people of God. Only together can we believe, hope, and love amid our struggles” (ch. 9).

“Amid such difficult seasons of life, [Martin] Luther understood that the fog of doubt often obscures the believer’s vision: accordingly, the taunts of hell often grow louder during those periods. He recognized this because he lived it himself… He wrote, ‘I almost lost Christ in the waves and blasts of despair and blasphemy against God, but God was moved by the prayers of saints and began to take pity on me and rescued my soul from the lowest hell.’ Luther knew that in times of physical and emotional distress saints often struggle to believe and are afflicted with confused images of God and his work in the world. During such seasons the Christian leans heavily on the faith and prayers of other saints, for by them one is sustained or even ‘rescued’” (ch. 9).

“[Martin Lloyd-Jones and others] counseled their followers to preach to themselves and embrace the good news of Jesus and his kingdom. Still, the weakness of this prescription, taken by itself, is that it is overly individualistic, ignoring our nature as members of a larger body, and thus also inherently unstable when isolated. Lloyd-Jones’s assertion that ‘the main art in the matter of spiritual living is to know how to handle yourself’ ignores the problem that we don’t always know how to handle ourselves, nor can we be trusted to handle ourselves. We need others” (ch. 10).

“Each case has its own distinct shape and needs its own response. But each of them brings its own real trauma. Each person will deal with it differently: some in silence, some in outbursts of rage, some with an athletic commitment to beat the grief, some with a sense of shame, and still others trying to discover a stoic detachment. What those who are trying to help do not always appreciate is that there is real power in simply walking with another person through that particular experience, bearing witness to the real challenges” (ch. 11).

“Witnessing one another’s pain also offers us the ability to find rest… When a friend shares my outrage I am actually quieted; I am allowed to rest, for someone else has taken up the concern. But if their response is ‘That is no big deal,’ and I am sure it actually is a big deal, then my irritation and frustrations grow rather than diminish. What I need is not for someone to tell me everything is okay; I need them to acknowledge that something is wrong—that I am not insane, but a real problem is at hand… The witness doesn’t actually make the pain go away, doesn’t actually fix everything, but I no longer feel isolated” (ch. 11).

“Christians with similar pains may have good things to say to their fellow sufferers. However, often what ends up happening is one person’s suffering trumps another’s, undermining the loss instead of offering true comfort… Why did such well-meaning offerings trigger in me a nasty train of thought? They were only trying to help… What I discovered was that suffering isn’t a contest, and comparing can often leave one person feeling guilty and the other bitter… However, even in our very similar circumstances, we must carry our sufferings to Christ” (ch. 11).

***

At various times I’ve experienced people theologizing, minimizing, avoiding, or giving the “Everything’s gonna be alright” speech. Those are the people I generally want to avoid. I’ve also experienced those who pray for me, ask genuine questions about my wellbeing, and quietly point to God’s loving care even while I express my doubts and fears. They may not be able to fully enter into the valley with me, but they aren’t just shouting at me from the mountaintop. As Kapic concludes chapter 10:

“May we, as the people of God, care for one another in love. May we truly be the body of Christ. May we confess our sins to one another, offering honesty, grace, and transformed lives. Let us love one another in grace and truth. We are sinners. We are under the cross. Here is our hope. May it be so.”

***

Listen to I Will Wait for You (Psalm 130) by Keith and Kristyn Getty.

© 2022 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV. Book cover courtesy of Amazon.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Fully Present

In one of his letters from prison (1944), Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote to his friend Eberhard Bethge:

“You must be especially homesick… But isn’t it an essential part of human maturity, as opposed to immaturity, that your center of gravity is always wherever you happen to be at the moment, and that even longing for the fulfillment of your wishes can’t pull you off balance, away from being your complete self, wherever you are? In youth we are never entirely present, no matter where; that’s part of the essential nature of youth; otherwise they would be dullards. A [mature] man is always a whole person and wholly present, holding back nothing. He may have his longings but somehow masters them and keeps them out of sight, and the more he must overcome in order to live fully in the present, the more he will keep his own counsel and have, fundamentally, the trust of the people around him, especially younger ones who are still on the road that he has already traveled. Wishes, when we cling to them too tightly, can easily rob us of what we ought to be and can be.”

Reading that, my first thought was that he obviously didn’t live in the 21st century. It seems like everything in our world today works against us being fully present in any moment or place. Social media, and media in general, pull our attention in a million different directions. Just having a smartphone in hand distracts us from conversation. Each ding of a text or email coming in pulls your mind away from the person sitting in front of you or the task that you’re supposed to be completing. In one of the TGC Social Sanity Book Club videos, the comment was made that scrolling through Facebook you’re likely to move from one person’s emergency prayer request to another person’s praise for a new job, and you don’t have the time or mental energy to assimilate all the varying thoughts and emotions related to any of it.

We can’t live well in such a disintegrating environment. In Bonhoeffer’s words, we are no longer whole or mature people, but immature and fragmented. We no longer master our longings, but we are mastered by the programming of technology’s algorithms. Our culture is discipling us and our children. Are we alert to how we are being indoctrinated?

As much as we like the convenience and entertainment of our various devices, they are often detrimental to our real presence to the people right around us. We hit the Send button rather than talking to someone face to face. We feign omnipresence by trying to respond to friends around the world while only half-listening to the person in the same room.

I admit I love certain features of my phone. I love having quick access to books, Bible translations, and email or texts without waiting for my laptop to boot. But I have mixed feelings about the games and social media apps that entice me to waste time on things that have little or no value. And even email and text messaging are frustrating when I find that other people don’t prioritize them in the same way I do—some people demand an immediate answer that I’m not prepared to give, while others don’t respond to my questions for days at a time. It’s hard not to judge people badly for their different expectations and habits.

There are days when I’d love to go back in time to before the invention of the telephone, automobile, and railroad—when most people stayed in the same community for their whole lives and communication either happened in person or took several weeks for letters to travel. As I noted in a previous post, the “ministry of presence” has declined in frequency, but not in value. Whether we know it or not, we need one another in a real and physical way. Most of the “one anothers” can’t be done from a distance, and we need to stop imagining that they can. Let’s slow things down and be fully present with the people closest to us.

“‘All things are lawful,’ but not all things are helpful. ‘All things are lawful,’ but not all things build up. Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor” (1 Cor. 10:23-24).

© 2022 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Mental Health and the Church

I recently Not Quite Fine: Mental Health, Faith, and Showing Up for One Another, by Carlene Hill Byron, and following are several quotes worth considering:

22- Our conversation in the United states today suggests that we are living through a growing mental health crisis. But what if the crisis is less about our health and more about how we think about it? What if we’ve so dramatically changed our expectations about mental health that most of us can’t meet the new norm?

26- We understand that to be “mentally ill” is to vary from some standard of mental health. Easy enough. But what is an appropriate standard of mental health? …Ordinary is always whatever is expected or allowable in a given time or place. That means that changing cultural norms can redefine what was once normal as mental illness.

54- People with mental health problems seek help among the faithful for several reasons:

We hope someone can convince us that our suffering has meaning.

We want assurance that our difficult lives have purpose.

We want to experience ourselves as persons who have value—persons who have been assigned an importance that often feels intangible by a God we cannot see, and who desperately crave recognition as valued individuals within the physically present body of Christ.

We are looking for a place where we can belong, even when our mental health problems make us prickly and painful to be with.

We are, with all the faithful, looking for “confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see” (Hebrews 11:1).

89- Mental health problems also tend to isolate people. Many of us, including those with mental health diagnoses, are more likely to draw inward than reach out in our most difficult moments. Stanley Hauerwas writes, “The dangerous thing about mental illness is how it tempts those so afflicted to think they are completely on their own, isolated in their distress.” But we are also likely to be, in fact, more alone than many others.

98- People who can suffer silently and invisibly are welcome in any congregation… We’re even more happy to honor pain once it has been healed. Those of us whose long-lasting suffering limits our lives often have a different experience, in church as elsewhere. This is unfortunate, because when the body behaves as it is designed and called to function, our mental health problems can diminish to some degree. When people feel loved, cared for, and safe, our mental health symptoms may become less challenging. Sometimes the symptoms diminish. Sometimes they are just less overwhelming when we live in a warm community of people who care.

99- When we select as “high potential” members only those who could help quickly multiply the congregation, we risk filling the community with what pediatric epidemiologist W. Thomas Boyce describes as “dandelions”—the kind of people who, like the bright summer flower, do all right under almost any conditions. But we’re likely to miss what he calls “orchid” people—those whose lives are marked by extremely high potential for both outstanding contributions and catastrophic failure because of their extreme reactivity to their surroundings.

100- William Nash said that the people who are most likely to overcome mental health challenges are those who found relationships where “somebody listened to them, really listened… without becoming disgusted, without judging,” and still loved them. For the sufferer to experience that love as genuine, Nash said, “it can’t really be a helping professional like me who’s paid to come in and give you 50 minutes of an hour.” The love that heals is not for sale.

108- When we let ourselves define others by their difficulties, as if these are immutable, we excise God and ourselves from the transforming work God empowers people to do.

123- The quietness and rest that people with mental health problems need is also something we all need… Most of us require more stillness than our cultures are generally willing to give. For us to live according to the pace and drive of contemporary Western culture is for us to burn through our neural circuitry in ways that lead to disruptive and disorderly crises. For us to honor God with our lives, we need to live in ways that may seem out of step with many around us.

129- Successfully managing feelings requires knowing that feelings aren’t less than thoughts; they’re simply different from thoughts. Without feelings, we would miss some of the information God has encoded into our systems of gathering and responding to God’s world… Many feelings are at the core of what allows us to connect and bond in human community.

144-145- For an individual with mental health problems, the special challenge is to discern the useful feelings—those that come in response to a situation and give clues to personal values and purpose—from the feelings that simply come like storm surges. There is rarely any meaning to be found in the latter. All that can be done is to set the feeling aside and do the next thing. But without good discernment, a person risks either ignoring big feelings that have useful information or attending excessively to feelings whose only meaning is to show that one’s body is out of whack right now.

181- What people with mental health problems generally need from churches is not mental health treatment but Christian friendship and the kinds of caring that can emerge only among those committed to each other. Faith communities are designed by God as places where people can belong, find meaning and purpose in life, be recognized as valued persons in the sight of God and other people, and find hope for the days to come. These kinds of caring don’t require professional support. In fact, they happen most effectively when they are provided long term by nonprofessionals.

***

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Gal. 6:2).

© 2022 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV. Image courtesy of Amazon.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

The Ministry of Presence

The industrial age began around 1760 and brought with it increasingly faster modes of transportation. The steam engine was patented in 1769. The Wright brothers took flight in 1903. Cars became increasingly common through the twentieth century. Now you can be anywhere in the world in a matter of hours. As speed has increased and the population has become more mobile, the connectedness of communities has waned. Front porches have been replaced by fenced back yards. Now with the information age, physical presence has been replaced by screens. Community dances and picnics have been replaced by home entertainment systems and Netflix. Sharing a meal with friends has been replaced by Facebook pictures of your meal (a trend that I will never understand!).

Through COVID shutdowns many workers found they can do their work remotely, but even tech businesses have discovered that being in the same building matters. “Management by walking around” is a necessary part of working together as a team for a common purpose.

Although church livestreaming was helpful during the pandemic, many Christians (but not all) have discovered that physical presence matters to the Body of Christ. We need real eye contact, handshakes, and hugs. We need to hear others singing in worship with us and to hear the pages of Bibles turning. We need to join together in communion and bow together in prayer at the altar.

But even with all the regularly scheduled gatherings of the church, I’m not sure that is enough for deep discipleship and spiritual intimacy between members of the Body. Jesus spent three years with His disciples doing nearly everything together 24-7. Paul, Silas, Timothy, and Luke went on a variety of long trips in pairs or trios. Acts 2:46 says the early believers were “day by day attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes.” Does that kind of time investment only apply to people who have nowhere else to go and no way to get there? Can a phone call or Zoom meeting take the place of walking with one another and observing one another in action day by day? Can a couple hours per week at church suffice? We need extended, unstructured times to converse and find out what is happening behind the scenes of our carefully cultivated appearances.

In the midst of writing this, I paused and read a few pages of the closest book on my desk, which happened to be Erik Reynold’s book Discover: Ancient Truths for Today. He wrote:

“How great and gracious is our God? He gives us one another to spur us on in the faith. He knows that the life to which He has called us is difficult… What’s God’s plan when we start acting sideways? He’s given us brothers in Christ to tenderly reveal our sin and lovingly point us to the Gospel. What’s God’s plan when we are discouraged because of a tragic life circumstance? He’s given us sisters in Christ to pray with and point us to the hope we have in Christ Jesus. What’s God’s plan when we realize how weak we are? He’s given us brothers in Christ to remind us that our weakness is a gift so that we will be more apt to rely upon the Holy Spirit who indwells us” (39).

God has given us one another for a purpose, and yet our relationships within the church are often one of the most neglected blessings He’s given. I can’t count how many times my spirits have been lifted by a brief conversation with a brother in Christ when we cross paths at the end of my daily run, or when a coworker pauses at my office door to talk. I’ve been pondering—if I worked in a secular job and didn’t live across the road from my church, where would I find those regular tastes of the ministry of presence? I would be on a starvation diet of Christian relationships from Monday through Saturday every week. Would professional Christian counselors have any clients if the church were living up to all the “one anothers” of Scripture? We were made to live in community, but it seems like we’ve gotten about as far from that as we can and still call ourselves one Body.

May God reunite us so that we might better “encourage one another and build one another up” (1 Thess. 5:11).

“Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind” (1 Pet. 3:8).

***

© 2022 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

If I Only Had a Heart

One of my Christmas gifts was The Wizard of Oz video. It’s been years since I last saw the movie, and one quote jumped out at me. The Wizard says to the Tin Man:

“A heart is not judged by how much you love but by how much you are loved by others” (1:32).

As much as I like the movie, that’s certainly an unbiblical idea. Jesus told His disciples:

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:34-35).

The Apostle John added this explanation:

“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent His only Son into the world, so that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another” (1 John 4:7-11).

So, in opposition to what the Wizard believed, what matters most is that God first loved us and thus we are both enabled and commanded to love others regardless of what they may think about us. Jesus went on to say,

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matt. 5:43-44).

“Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you… If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them” (Luke 6:27, 32).

Our culture excels at loving those who love us and agree with us, but don’t let any hint of conflict arise or all bets are off. It doesn’t seem to matter whether there are marriage vows or church membership covenants—love, as we understand it, goes out the window. But that is to ignore God’s command to love even our enemies. Love is not mere tolerance of others, nor approving of sin. It is showing grace and compassion that yearns for others to find reconciliation with God and man through Jesus Christ. In C.S. Lewis’s words, “Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained” (The Problem of Pain).

But if we’re honest, none of us love others as we should. There are people who irritate us, people we hope never to meet in the grocery store, and perhaps even people who would consider us their enemies. We can’t love people by our own strength or willpower, but the solution is not to go looking for a heart or looking for people who already love us. We need to continually turn to God and ask Him to keep growing the fruit of the Spirit in us, “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control” (Gal. 5:22-23).

I realize this has been a recurring theme in many of my blogs, but it’s also a recurring theme in Scripture. Love appears over 200 times in the New Testament alone, so it must be pretty important to God, who is Himself Love. This year “let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works” (Heb. 10:24).

“May the Lord make you increase and abound in love for one another and for all, as we do for you, so that He may establish your hearts blameless in holiness before our God and Father, at the coming of our Lord Jesus with all His saints” (1 Thess. 3:12-13).

© 2022 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Pursuit of Happiness

The U.S. founding fathers declared that mankind is endowed with the rights to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” Our culture in recent years has taken that last part to an extreme—declaring that happiness is all that matters and there should be nothing that stands in its way. Unfortunately, that has had a negative impact on the church as well. There is a perception among unbelievers that “If your beliefs don’t make you 100% happy, then they can’t be that good.” That then carries over to believers thinking “If I’m not happy all the time then there must be something wrong with my faith,” or “I’ve got to fake it till I make it.”

I see some problems with these ideas. One problem is that it assumes this life is all that matters. As the Apostle Paul wrote, “If the dead are not raised, ‘Let us eat and drink, for tomorrow we die’” (1 Cor. 15:32b). But if in fact the dead are raised, we need to take the long view. We can accept some limitations and difficulties today if we know that there is something far better that will last for all eternity. Just as the dieter passes up some foods, knowing that the health of their body depends on it, so we too can pass up certain temporal pleasures because we know “this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison” (2 Cor. 417).

Another problem with putting happiness on a pedestal is that it discounts the wide variety of personalities and experiences that make up humanity. There’s a vast spectrum of temperaments Whether you like Myers-Briggs or DISC or Enneagram or something else, I think most of us can agree that we have different traits and it is foolish to expect everyone to respond the same way to their circumstances. And life presents each of us with different experiences that shape us. Someone who has grown up in an abusive household is not going to approach life the same as a “favored son” will. Some people may be both more melancholy by nature and also have had to deal with very painful experiences. So, to imply that they need to put on a happy face because their Christian witness depends on it actually creates more shame than benefit.

Some might ask “How then do they make their faith known if they aren’t visibly happy all the time?” I have seen plenty of people who have exhibited an enduring faith in God in the midst of trying circumstances. They aren’t happy and joking all the time, but it is clear that they are undergirded by a strength beyond their own ability. Some people might have every reason to give up on life, but they keep enduring because they have hope and faith in the eternal life in Christ. These are the kind of people I want to turn to when life is hard—people who can comfort others with the comfort they have received from God (2 Cor. 1:3-7)—and I believe they also attract unbelievers who are struggling with life in a broken and fallen world in a way that the “happy and you know it” people don’t. As I heard Matthew Spandler-Davison say in a TGC podcast, “I needed to serve from a place of brokenness, not from a pretense of wholeness… Church membership is burden sharing… I needed to be a part of a burden sharing and burden carrying community of believers.”

This is a personal challenge for me, because I live with clinical depression. I get frustrated with comments from those who imply that someone’s (my) faith is weak because they’re not “rejoicing always.” On the Christian radio station last week, they were talking about studies that show that on average kids laugh 300 times per day while adults laugh only 15. Even as a child I don’t think I averaged 15 laughs per day because I lived in an almost constant state of anxiety. I don’t understand people who live at the opposite end of the spectrum. I’m not endorsing a grumpy and complaining attitude, but I’m saying that we all need to bear witness to the God who is with us in the midst of every type of circumstance. He should be as real to us in trials as He is in times of great blessings.

There is a reason for the diversity of the Body of Christ. Some people are better at mourning with those who mourn, while others are better at rejoicing with those who rejoice. We need each other. In worship we (should) use a variety of songs and Scriptures from week to week, because not every member is in the same place mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. On the weeks I don’t feel like singing praise songs, I know that others delight to and I need to hear them do so, and vice versa.

In Luke’s version of the Beatitudes, he records Jesus as saying, “Blessed are you who are hungry now, for you shall be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh… Woe to you who are full now, for you shall be hungry. Woe to you who laugh now, for you shall mourn and weep” (Luke 6: 21, 25). We could find ourselves on dangerous ground if we value an emotional experience over faith in Christ alone. In the last day, many will discover that they’ve sought worldly pleasures and lost out on eternal joy. Let’s make sure our focus is on the right Person.

“For everything there is a season… a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance” (Eccl. 3:1, 4).

© 2021 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.