Soft Hearts

As often happens to me, multiple information streams have converged on a unified theme this week, so this is kind of a compilation of those inputs and an extension of what I wrote last week. I was sharing this quote from C.S. Lewis with a friend:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable” (The Four Loves).

While I was typing that, this passage from Ezekiel came to mind:

“And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh, that they may walk in My statutes and keep My rules and obey them. And they shall be My people, and I will be their God” (Ezek. 11:19-20).

So my immediate thought was that the goal of the Christian life is to have increasingly soft hearts, which means we are increasingly vulnerable, not impenetrable. Jesus fleshed this out (literally and metaphorically) to say that the heart of flesh that results in obedience is revealed by our love:

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind... You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets” (Matt. 22:37-40). “By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35).

And while I was pondering that, I listened to the latest sermon podcast from Immanuel Nashville, where Sam Allberry was preaching on Romans 15:7: “Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God.” He commented:

“What makes the church different isn’t that we’re committed to meeting together—lots of people are committed to meeting together. What is meant to be different is that there’s meant to be a uniqueness to the way we are with each other—for the glory of God... The word Paul is using for ‘welcome’ in the original text is a strong word. Other translations translate ‘Accept one another as Christ has accepted you.’ But ‘acceptance’ sounds like merely tolerating. We’re not to tolerate each other, because Christ hasn’t merely tolerated us. He’s welcomed us. So the kind of welcome Paul is speaking of here is a welcome of deep belonging, because Christ, through His death on the cross for us, has pulled us deep into His heart. That is what it means for Him to welcome us.”

He went on to illustrate what that looks like from various “one another” passages in the New Testament. I think many churches have settled for a rather anemic view of community and fellowship. I’ve heard somewhere that most churches think they are more welcoming of newcomers than they really are. And even people who have been in the church for years may not really be known by the people in the next pew. As Allberry noted, these days everyone needs encouragement, yet we assume that everyone else is fine because we never get close enough to find out. Are we truly welcoming people into the depths of our hearts, or are we just meeting together once or twice a week?

“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near” (Heb. 10:24-25).

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Related resource:

This was a thought-provoking article on the difficulty of finding community:

https://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2024/july-august/confessions-loner-community-loneliness.html

© 2024 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

True Community

For Thanksgiving weekend I was away from home visiting family members who have not attended church for a few years for health reasons. They watch services online each Sunday. Together we watched the service at Parkside Church with Alistair Begg, and he made a brief comment about how online gatherings can never replace the gathered Body of Christ in sharing life together.

Wiktionary notes in the definition of the word community that it comes from prefix con meaning ‘bringing together several objects’ and munus meaning ‘service, burden, duty, obligation.’ So by definition, community cannot occur where people are physically separated. We can have temporary substitutes to communicate with other people, though that too requires ‘bringing together’ and not just ‘talking at’ one another that often happens on social media.

Also implicit in the definition of community is the duty we bear for one another in the local Body of Christ. Church is not just about hearing a sermon and singing a few songs together. It includes bearing one another’s burdens, praying for and with one another, encouraging one another, giving thanks to and for one another. All of that requires actually spending time with one another and talking about the things that are on our hearts and minds.

It is true that thanks to technology we don’t always have to be in the same room quite as frequently as we used to, but that in no way negates the need for regular in-person gatherings with fellow believers. There are some folks (you know who you are) that I wish lived closer so we could see each other more frequently. And there are some other Christians I’ve been seeing more frequently and enjoying getting to know. But at the same time I don’t want to give up my relationships with my local church family.

After moving between states many times when I was growing up, and never having any fellow believers to connect with long term, I highly value the stability and connections gained through more than two decades in one place. And I have to say that I don’t understand why anyone would willing move away from their faith community if they didn’t have to, though I realize there are many circumstances that can impact such a decision.

In 1 Corinthians the Apostle Paul points out that each believer is given spiritual gifts “for the common good” (12:7). I have to wonder how many gifts are being neglected because individuals are not regularly gathering with other believers in a local church. We are all needed to play our assigned roles in the community known as the Body of Christ, and we need to be with one another on a regular basis.

“And all who believed were together and had all things in common” (Acts 2:44).

© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Look Up

When Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment is, He did not say, “Love God and love the people who live in your house.” Nor did He say, “Love God, complete this to-do list, and then if there’s time left over love the people around you.” Instead, He said:

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets” (Matt. 22:37-40).

Most of us in the church understand that we’re supposed to love God first and foremost (though we may not know how to do that very well). But I think many get their priorities confused when it comes to the second commandment of loving others. In our modern American culture, we place a lot of value on the individual and then on the nuclear family. Other cultures and eras would find this totally bizarre, because they focus on the needs of the community first. We also tend to prioritize productivity over people. I’ve seen this happen even in churches and ministries, where accomplishing a task or mission consumes everyone’s attention while people are left to struggle and suffer alone.

In Romans 1 the Apostle Paul wrote, “I long to see you, that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to strengthen you—that is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith, both yours and mine” (11-12). He wrote to the Thessalonians, “So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us... For you know how, like a father with his children, we exhorted each one of you and encouraged you and charged you to walk in a manner worthy of God, who calls you into His own kingdom and glory” (1 Thess. 2:8, 11-12). Paul exemplified loving God and loving others wholeheartedly.

There seems to be a mindset that says church is what we do on Sunday mornings and maybe Wednesday nights, and the rest of the time you’re on your own. But I don’t see that reflected in Scripture, where the Church is described as the Body of Christ (1 Cor. 12:27) and brothers and sisters in Christ (Mark 3:33-35), nor is that individualism illustrated in the description of the early fellowship in Acts 2:42-47.

We don’t have to live in a commune to invest in the lives of those around us, but we do need to look up from our phones and laptops and to-do lists, and actually (and frequently) interact with one another in person. Screens are not sufficient for the purpose. Mark Mayfield commented in the introduction to his book The Path Out of Loneliness:

“We are relational beings who need eye-to-eye, face-to-face contact and proximity on a regular basis. As a society, we are operating out of significant deficits... [Many have] questioned when [was] the last time you were truly seen as a person, loved for who you are, and valued as a unique human soul.”

The more our technology draws us in, the more often we need to be reminded to look up and see one another for who God has made us to be and how He has created us to be interdependent.

“This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you” (John 15:12).

© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Can I Get a Witness?

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us” (Heb. 12:1).

I think many Christians misunderstand the “cloud of witnesses” in this verse. I’ve written about this before (here), but I think it bears repeating often. The author of Hebrews is not just referring to the believers who have died before us. (If you believe in sleep of the dead, then those people are not watching us right now.) You could make a case that our predecessors are witnesses in the sense that their stories bear witness to the work of God in their lives, and therefore we can draw encouragement from them. That would certainly follow the theme of the Hall of Faith in chapter 11.

However, I think there is an equally valid interpretation that the witnesses are those who are currently running the race of faith with us. (And who’s to say there can’t be multiple meanings in the same verse? After all, God is the master Author.) In Hebrews 10:24-25 we are reminded, “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”

We need each other in the family of God. Christian community is not simply a nice side dish—it is the main course, one of the primary reasons for the entity we call the Church (Acts 2:42-47). Through the bond of Christian fellowship, we encourage one another to hold onto the faith, we exhort each other to keep pursuing holiness, we bear one another’s burdens and lift each other up with prayer, we support one another in ministry, and our love for one another bears witness of our faith to unbelievers. On our own, every one of us is weak and vulnerable to sin, denial, and foolishness.

Jesus said, “This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:12-13; see also 1 John 3:16). We tend to read this through the eyes of martyrdom, and certainly Jesus exemplified the ultimate sacrifice. But how ready are we to lay down our daily lives for one another—our time, our personal wishes, and our to-do lists? There are things that are far more important than a clean house, groomed yard, or meeting a deadline.

I find myself writing often about true community because I think the Church in general, and particularly in Western culture, is often very inept and in fact disobedient when it comes to following through with the “one another” commands. We are far too independent-minded for our own good. People are suffering in silence and isolation, and some of their lives end in suicide because they have no one who will help to hold them up and give them reason to endure. 

I’ve been in counseling in the past, and there are good reasons for seeing a professional counselor, but there would be a lot less need for paid professionals if Christians were doing all that the Bible tells us to do for one another. Most of us don’t need advice so much as we need a listening ear and embracing arms. Many, if not most, churches need to do a much better job of surrounding every member with that great cloud of witnesses, not just on Sunday morning but every day and night of the week.

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity… There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Prov. 17:17, 18:24).

© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Our Father

This past Sunday our church focused on the Lord’s Prayer as found in Luke 11 and Matthew 6. Most Christians probably have it memorized and recite it somewhat regularly. But have you ever thought about the fact that it uses plural pronouns throughout? It is “our Father,” not “my Father,” yet it is easy to forget that. It’s not wrong to personalize the prayer, but that is not how Jesus gave it to His disciples.

“Our Father in heaven” is a reminder that we are all part of the same family for eternity, and we have responsibility for one another’s spiritual growth and wellbeing. Together we are to be pursuing God’s will “on earth as it is in heaven” so that the Church will bring honor to His holy name. We need to pray for, encourage, equip, edify, and “exhort one another every day… that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin” (Heb. 3:13).

“Give us this day our daily bread” is a reminder that we are to help provide for one another’s physical needs. As Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 8:14, “Your abundance at the present time should supply their need, so that their abundance may supply your need, that there may be fairness.” And beyond our physical needs, we have relational needs for fellowship with one another. Jennie Allen has made the comment that throughout history and still in much of the world today, meals are a communal affair, where villages gather together around the same cooking fire. In Western culture, we may struggle just to get a small family to sit down together for one meal per day, and then we wonder why we all feel so disconnected and alone. We were meant to live as “we,” not as “me.”

“Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors” is a challenge both individually and collectively. We see in the news how church leaders have abused their authority in various ways. That puts great strain on the church body that has to be worked through. (And for the record, forgiveness of serious abuses does not mean those people should be restored to positions of authority in any church!) At the same time, there are many smaller transgressions between members of the body that can create hard feelings. Whether it is gossip, criticism, lack of support during a time of need, conflicting priorities, or simply differing personalities, we are called to work together “with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Eph. 4:2-3).

“And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.” Besides the ‘one anothers’ already mentioned, we also need to be praying regularly for God’s direction and protection for our local church. It is easy for churches to get sidetracked with lesser things and forget about our commission to “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you” (Matt. 28:19-20). We have an enemy who loves to tempt us off the narrow road so that we become ineffective for the Kingdom of God.

We were challenged Sunday to pray the Lord’s Prayer each evening as one step toward unity in our body. May this be a reminder that we aren’t simply seeking the individual blessings of provision, protection, and forgiveness, but that we are all in this together as children of the same Father, working together for the same purpose, and helping one another along the way.

“May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ” (Rom. 15:5-6).

 

© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Belonging

Recently I was listening to a podcast from a Christian source talking about LGBTQ labels and identities. Although I disagreed with some of what was said, it did make me think more broadly about the desire of every human being to find a sense of belonging. We all want to feel that we are loved, accepted, and appreciated, but sometimes we look in the wrong places for that community. Our children and youth are subjected to an increasing number of identity “options,” as well as peer pressure to declare their chosen labels (although some change frequently!). Things were a bit simpler back in my school days when there were just a few cliques based on activities and not usually based on personalities, preferences, and attractions. We all knew that once we graduated most of those groups would disappear.

As Christians, we should be the people who are most comfortable with our identities and community—after all, we belong to the God who created the universe, who made us in His image and adopted us into His eternal family through faith in Jesus Christ. Our core identity as children of God doesn’t change. “You also have died to the law through the body of Christ, so that you may belong to another, to Him who has been raised from the death, in order that we may bear fruit for God” (Rom. 7:4).

In practice, however, many Christians still struggle with feelings of alienation, shame, and rejection. Churches tend to adopt certain standards of what a good Christian or a godly man or woman should look like, and whether we realize it or not, often those standards are based more on conservative culture than on biblical definitions. Some of us may feel like we don’t quite fit in if we look a little different, have different interests, or struggle with certain temptations that are deemed taboo to even talk about. We’re all sinners covered by the mercy and grace of God.

It’s often been said that Sunday morning is the most segregated time of the week. This isn’t just true of race, but of other characteristics as well. Some folks church-hop until they find one where everyone is just like them. Some churches segregate the ages into different groups. Churches separate themselves theologically based doctrinal distinctives. There’s a cowboy church down the road. You name it, there’s probably a church for it.

And yet every true believer is part of the same family, united under the headship of Christ and supposedly pursuing the same mission. What would it take for us to focus more on what we have in common in Christ than on the traits that separate us from other believers? How might we remind one another that we do belong together, even though we are each unique in many ways? I don’t have the answers, but I know that we adults need assurance that we are loved and accepted just as much as our kids do.

“In every nation anyone who fears Him and does what is right is acceptable to Him” (Acts 10:35). “I… urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called… eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Eph. 4:1-2).

© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Fully Present

In one of his letters from prison (1944), Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote to his friend Eberhard Bethge:

“You must be especially homesick… But isn’t it an essential part of human maturity, as opposed to immaturity, that your center of gravity is always wherever you happen to be at the moment, and that even longing for the fulfillment of your wishes can’t pull you off balance, away from being your complete self, wherever you are? In youth we are never entirely present, no matter where; that’s part of the essential nature of youth; otherwise they would be dullards. A [mature] man is always a whole person and wholly present, holding back nothing. He may have his longings but somehow masters them and keeps them out of sight, and the more he must overcome in order to live fully in the present, the more he will keep his own counsel and have, fundamentally, the trust of the people around him, especially younger ones who are still on the road that he has already traveled. Wishes, when we cling to them too tightly, can easily rob us of what we ought to be and can be.”

Reading that, my first thought was that he obviously didn’t live in the 21st century. It seems like everything in our world today works against us being fully present in any moment or place. Social media, and media in general, pull our attention in a million different directions. Just having a smartphone in hand distracts us from conversation. Each ding of a text or email coming in pulls your mind away from the person sitting in front of you or the task that you’re supposed to be completing. In one of the TGC Social Sanity Book Club videos, the comment was made that scrolling through Facebook you’re likely to move from one person’s emergency prayer request to another person’s praise for a new job, and you don’t have the time or mental energy to assimilate all the varying thoughts and emotions related to any of it.

We can’t live well in such a disintegrating environment. In Bonhoeffer’s words, we are no longer whole or mature people, but immature and fragmented. We no longer master our longings, but we are mastered by the programming of technology’s algorithms. Our culture is discipling us and our children. Are we alert to how we are being indoctrinated?

As much as we like the convenience and entertainment of our various devices, they are often detrimental to our real presence to the people right around us. We hit the Send button rather than talking to someone face to face. We feign omnipresence by trying to respond to friends around the world while only half-listening to the person in the same room.

I admit I love certain features of my phone. I love having quick access to books, Bible translations, and email or texts without waiting for my laptop to boot. But I have mixed feelings about the games and social media apps that entice me to waste time on things that have little or no value. And even email and text messaging are frustrating when I find that other people don’t prioritize them in the same way I do—some people demand an immediate answer that I’m not prepared to give, while others don’t respond to my questions for days at a time. It’s hard not to judge people badly for their different expectations and habits.

There are days when I’d love to go back in time to before the invention of the telephone, automobile, and railroad—when most people stayed in the same community for their whole lives and communication either happened in person or took several weeks for letters to travel. As I noted in a previous post, the “ministry of presence” has declined in frequency, but not in value. Whether we know it or not, we need one another in a real and physical way. Most of the “one anothers” can’t be done from a distance, and we need to stop imagining that they can. Let’s slow things down and be fully present with the people closest to us.

“‘All things are lawful,’ but not all things are helpful. ‘All things are lawful,’ but not all things build up. Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor” (1 Cor. 10:23-24).

© 2022 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Who Am I?

In many things I’ve read and listened to recently, I’ve seen a variety of comments about identity. In this helpful video from the ERLC, Katie McCoy described our cultural conflict as being an emphasis that “identity is self-created versus identity is God-given.” Whether we’re discussing gender and sexuality, personality tests, or a myriad of other topics, we’re being told that your identity is defined by how you feel. People are urged to adopt whatever labels fit them at a particular time, and then change them as often as they wish. It’s confusing for all of us to try to keep up.

The deeper issue is that every person is trying to figure out where they fit in the grand scheme of life. Those of us who have been out of school for a while can remember the various cliques that existed in our day. My high school had the jocks, popular kids, band geeks, nerds, and stoners among others. There wasn’t a whole lot of question who was in each group. After graduation most people settled into life-stage categories—college, singles, married, children, middle age, and retirees.

Now it seems like the labels are constantly changing for every age group. That can largely be tied to the increasing individualization of Western culture. No longer are we defined by our place in our local village, but we have infinite choices—where to live, what kind of work we do and who to work for, what entertainment we pursue, where or if we go to church, who we want to associate with, etc. Each choice tends to group us with certain people and segregate us from other people. If we decide we don’t quite fit in one group, we’re free to relocate to another group. So we’re constantly trying to determine what identity label best fits us at any given time. Expressive individualism is the rule of the day.

We’ve lost our sense of belonging to a relatively consistent community. The church ought to be a pillar of light and truth in this darkness and uncertainty. Andrew Walker said in the above video, “We need to recapture the idea that there are universals—universal truths… consistent with our design as human beings.” Our identity needs to be tied to how and why God created us, our role in His eternal family, and how He has gifted us with abilities and relationships.

One of the challenges we face, even while we attempt to preach the truth of God’s Word, is the tendency to adopt stereotypes that are not based in Scripture. There is a saying that “If you’ve met someone on the autism spectrum, you’ve met one person on the spectrum.” In other words, the traits and characteristics are so diverse that stereotypes are often meaningless. The same can be said of many other labels. Yes, there are some binary categories—for example male (XY) and female (XX)—but the interests, abilities, and traits of men or women, married or single, young or old, educated or uneducated, are highly variable and often overlapping. If we focus too much on cultural stereotypes, we may unintentionally alienate people who are looking for their place in our community.

I’ve wrestled with the question of identity in a variety of ways. As a Gen X single woman (among other labels), I often focus more on the things that separate me from other people than on the things that unite us. But I’ve been reminded that if we actually take time to get to know one another deeply and spend unstructured time together, we’ll usually find that we have a lot more in common than we might otherwise assume. One recent highlight for me was several hours in a van with coworkers just chatting and asking goofy questions. Even though most of us have worked together for years, it made me feel more connected to our little community.

We in the church need to remember that relationships are not built by sitting together through a worship service, but by sharing life together in a wide variety of circumstances. Our identity is not simply as children of God, but as brothers and sisters walking together through life. We can’t have the Father without also connecting to our siblings. If we find our place in the “village” of our local church, it will go a long way toward helping us feel secure, loved, and accepted in our unchanging identity in Christ and in this world.

“For in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith. For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Gal. 3:27-28).

© 2022 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

The Ministry of Presence

The industrial age began around 1760 and brought with it increasingly faster modes of transportation. The steam engine was patented in 1769. The Wright brothers took flight in 1903. Cars became increasingly common through the twentieth century. Now you can be anywhere in the world in a matter of hours. As speed has increased and the population has become more mobile, the connectedness of communities has waned. Front porches have been replaced by fenced back yards. Now with the information age, physical presence has been replaced by screens. Community dances and picnics have been replaced by home entertainment systems and Netflix. Sharing a meal with friends has been replaced by Facebook pictures of your meal (a trend that I will never understand!).

Through COVID shutdowns many workers found they can do their work remotely, but even tech businesses have discovered that being in the same building matters. “Management by walking around” is a necessary part of working together as a team for a common purpose.

Although church livestreaming was helpful during the pandemic, many Christians (but not all) have discovered that physical presence matters to the Body of Christ. We need real eye contact, handshakes, and hugs. We need to hear others singing in worship with us and to hear the pages of Bibles turning. We need to join together in communion and bow together in prayer at the altar.

But even with all the regularly scheduled gatherings of the church, I’m not sure that is enough for deep discipleship and spiritual intimacy between members of the Body. Jesus spent three years with His disciples doing nearly everything together 24-7. Paul, Silas, Timothy, and Luke went on a variety of long trips in pairs or trios. Acts 2:46 says the early believers were “day by day attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes.” Does that kind of time investment only apply to people who have nowhere else to go and no way to get there? Can a phone call or Zoom meeting take the place of walking with one another and observing one another in action day by day? Can a couple hours per week at church suffice? We need extended, unstructured times to converse and find out what is happening behind the scenes of our carefully cultivated appearances.

In the midst of writing this, I paused and read a few pages of the closest book on my desk, which happened to be Erik Reynold’s book Discover: Ancient Truths for Today. He wrote:

“How great and gracious is our God? He gives us one another to spur us on in the faith. He knows that the life to which He has called us is difficult… What’s God’s plan when we start acting sideways? He’s given us brothers in Christ to tenderly reveal our sin and lovingly point us to the Gospel. What’s God’s plan when we are discouraged because of a tragic life circumstance? He’s given us sisters in Christ to pray with and point us to the hope we have in Christ Jesus. What’s God’s plan when we realize how weak we are? He’s given us brothers in Christ to remind us that our weakness is a gift so that we will be more apt to rely upon the Holy Spirit who indwells us” (39).

God has given us one another for a purpose, and yet our relationships within the church are often one of the most neglected blessings He’s given. I can’t count how many times my spirits have been lifted by a brief conversation with a brother in Christ when we cross paths at the end of my daily run, or when a coworker pauses at my office door to talk. I’ve been pondering—if I worked in a secular job and didn’t live across the road from my church, where would I find those regular tastes of the ministry of presence? I would be on a starvation diet of Christian relationships from Monday through Saturday every week. Would professional Christian counselors have any clients if the church were living up to all the “one anothers” of Scripture? We were made to live in community, but it seems like we’ve gotten about as far from that as we can and still call ourselves one Body.

May God reunite us so that we might better “encourage one another and build one another up” (1 Thess. 5:11).

“Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind” (1 Pet. 3:8).

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© 2022 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Under Control

I’ve been reading Tony Reinke’s book 12 Ways Your Phone Is Changing You. Ironically, Facebook got knocked out of commission for several hours Monday. Perhaps God was encouraging me (and everyone else) to consider the message of the book even more seriously. My social media use tends to increase over time until I make a conscious effort to pull back, and this is one of those times.

As I was reading about the decline in reading comprehension and the growing determination to catalogue our lives in post-worthy images, I imagined how a few scenes from Jesus’s life on earth might have been different:

“Blessed are the poor in spirit… meek… merciful…” -Yeah, whatever. Keep scrolling.

“Blessed are those who are persecuted…” -Retweet!

Hey, I got 136 likes on my post! Who’s the greatest now? LOL -“The greatest among you shall be your servant.”

Who are we missing on this Zoom meeting? -Well, Andrew went fishing, Peter’s mother-in-law is sick again, and no one knows where Judas is tonight.

“One of you will betray Me.” -Wait, what did He say? I was checking my messages.

OK, so maybe we aren’t much different from the disciples. We all wrestle in varying degrees with pride, distraction, and desire for attention and approval. Smartphones and social media connections just give us a quick and easy way to do so.

Reinke writes about a theology of remembering:

“Whatever else is at play in the digital age, Christians are commanded over and over to remember. We must not lose our past and our future for moment-by-moment tweets and texts on our phones… All spiritual growth is rooted in remembering what Christ has done in me… Remembering is one of the key spiritual disciplines we must guard with vigilance amid the mind-fragmenting and past-forgetting temptations of the digital age” (187-188).

I would add to that a different sense of the word remember. We need to re-member who we are created to be as the Body of Christ. Social media is great at fragmenting us into camps that are at odds with one another over all kinds of issues. We interpret likes and follows as affirmation that we are in the “right” crowd, even as we’ve simultaneously alienated friends and neighbors that we go to church with. We essentially dismember one set of relationships that’s based on eternal principles for another set based on the illusion of superficial agreement.

“Jesus boils down the purpose and aim of our lives into two goals: treasure God with your whole being, and then pour out your God-centered joy in love for others. On these two commands all other smartphone laws depend: (190).

Reinke asks some good questions, including: “Do my smartphone behaviors move me toward God or away from him? …Do my smartphone behaviors edify me and others, or do they build nothing of lasting value?” (194). I’m sure we could all find areas where we could improve our words and actions to better love God and our neighbors.

“I am not my own. I am owned by my Lord. I have been bought with a price, which means I must glorify Christ with my thumbs, my ears, my eyes, and my time… I do not have ‘time to kill’—I have time to redeem” (180).

“Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil” (Eph. 5:15-16).

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© 2021 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV. Image courtesy of Amazon. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Mediated Presence

Much of the world is practicing social isolation as we await the end of the COVID-19 pandemic. That’s probably easier for those of us who are introverts to begin with, but it is detrimental to all of our relationships. Until about a decade ago I practiced social isolation as a way of life. Over the past several years I’ve learned that I not only need relationships, but I want them too. So when the country started shutting down, I felt the loss like everyone else. But now that we’re a few weeks in, I find myself reverting to the old habits—don’t talk to anyone, don’t make any effort to connect with people, accept the fact that relationships cause pain and just avoid them altogether. Why wish for a real conversation with a real person when that is so difficult to do right now?

But I don’t want to go back down that path. I’m discouraged and frustrated with isolation. The longer the church goes without meeting in person, the harder it will be to convince people that this is not supposed to be the “new normal.” It may be a good time for trying new things, but we can’t assume that new is necessarily better.

Think about all the forms of communication that pastors need to monitor if they want to connect with all their church members. Recently I was listening to a podcast about technology for church leaders and one of the speakers made the comment that “email is dead.” That may be true for younger generations, but not for everyone. I choose email to communicate 95% of the time. Generational differences in communication are well documented. That can add to the feeling of disconnection and isolation for many of us. (Sometimes I wonder if all my emails are vanishing in cyberspace.)

Although we may be reaching a different niche of people with livestreaming services on various social media, there are a significant number of church members who are completely disconnected. The tech gurus hopefully will tell you that you need to show people how to use new methods, but they ignore the fact that some people don’t even turn their computers on for days or weeks at a time, if they even have computers. My fear is that the church will become further fragmented if stay-at-home orders remain in effect much longer. It’s easy to “do church” if all it requires is opening your internet browser. Some churches will continue to livestream even when regular services resume, and a percentage of Christians will think that means that the assembly of the church doesn’t really matter. Some churches have already alienated older members by the way they’ve pushed technology “solutions,” and those members will find churches that feel more traditional and accepting of their preferences. Generational divides may become even stronger.

I was in the midst of writing this when I read Colossians 4:6 (ESV): “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” It hit me that “how you ought to answer” nowadays is not just the words you use but the technology you use. We’ve gotten creative out of necessity, but are we too quick to adopt the “easy” way? Have we weighed the costs of the potential collateral damage?

As I listened to multiple podcasts this week on technology options, it became increasingly clear to me that if church leaders invest all their time in utilizing all the “must-have” technologies, there won’t be any time left to actually minister to the people they are called to shepherd. “If we speak eloquently to the webcam, but have not love, we are noisy gongs or clanging cymbals. If our website is polished to perfection and has every possible tool, but have not love, we are nothing. If we enable text-to-give and meet our budget every week, but have not love, we gain nothing.”

Are the things we’re doing actually contributing to loving one another or are they just filling the web with an overabundance of words? We all need wisdom in these strange and unsettling times.

“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him” (James 1:5).

© 2020 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Not Just the Facts

James Clear wrote, “In many circumstances, social connection is actually more helpful to your daily life than understanding the truth of a particular fact or idea… We don't always believe things because they are correct. Sometimes we believe things because they make us look good to the people we care about… The way to change people’s minds is to become friends with them, to integrate them into your tribe, to bring them into your circle. Now, they can change their beliefs without the risk of being abandoned socially.”

Whether he intended so or not, his observations have profound implications for the Church. How often have we heard, “People don’t care what you know until they know that you care”? And yet we often don’t practice what we preach. We think that people will be won to our point of view simply because we rehearse the facts with increasing frequency and volume. For some people, this seems to be their only purpose for using social media. (Those are the ones I hide from my Facebook feed.) It doesn’t matter if the subject is politics, education, abortion, or the gospel, we’ve forgotten that relationships trump truth almost every time.

Jesus said, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets” (Matt. 12:37-40 ESV). He didn’t say, “Love God and preach the truth.” As important as the truth of God is, “teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you” (Matt. 28:18-20) is subordinate to loving others. Making disciples has to flow from a heart of love for others. The Apostle Paul wrote, “So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us” (1 Thess. 2:8).

If we were to focus more effort on loving others well, more people might be drawn to believe what we believe. That’s not to say that we never state the truth, but that there’s rarely anything to be gained by hammering someone over the head with it. More hearts are changed by walking alongside others than by getting in their faces. Recently I was reading part of Jesus’ teaching, and it made a big difference when I imagined it not as a lecture, but as a friend drawing close and giving counsel to His friends. A lecture is either information that can be ignored or condemnation that puts us on the defensive. But loving counsel is something to be seriously considered and heeded.

Rosaria Butterfield has shared in her books and this video how it was “radically ordinary hospitality” from a Christian couple that led her to leave the LGBT community and become a Christian. “They didn’t see me as a project, but they saw me as a neighbor… It’s God who saves. It’s not about us being perfect, or our words being perfect. But show up, we must, in the lives of unbelievers… Hospitality, biblically speaking, takes strangers and makes them neighbors. It takes neighbors and makes them family of God.”

I think churches tend to overestimate their friendliness and underestimate the amount of time it takes to build strong relationships with people. If young adults truly felt loved and valued in their churches, they wouldn’t be nearly so quick to drift away. It really was different when the church was the center of the community and everyone knew their neighbors because they saw each other almost every day. Those relationships were a natural outgrowth of time spent together. Today we spend an hour together once or twice a week and think that is sufficient to build a strong community bond. We settle for “friending” people on Facebook rather than loving them as our neighbors, and then we wonder why no one wants to become a Christian or to join the church. Have they truly experienced the love of God through us? Have we offered them our very lives, or just the facts?

“By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35).

© 2019 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Dismembered

I’ve been reading an interesting fiction book Daughter of Time, by Sarah Woodbury, about a twentieth century woman who finds herself in thirteenth century Wales. At one point she is comparing social interactions between the two cultures, and she says of the twentieth century:

“As a rule, you’d never look at or talk to a person you didn’t already know—whether on the street, at a meal, or in a shop. Everybody behaves as if they are completely alone, even when—or especially when—surrounded by a crowd… Because chances are, you’ll never see any of those people again. It isn’t worth the time and effort invested… It’s because we don’t depend on each other anymore” (204).

That seems to me to be an apt description of our culture and, unfortunately, even many of our churches today. I was reminded of what we’ve been discussing in Sunday school about the Israelites preparing to enter the Promised Land. Obviously they had to work together to conquer the land, but there was more to it than that. From the time of the Exodus and the giving of the law at Mt. Sinai, the people had to gather together regularly to hear the word of the Lord and hear the law explained. They didn’t have written copies of the Scriptures in every household. Worship and sacrifices had scheduled times and places. Their religious experience was communal, not individual.

Western culture today has made everything individualized. We all have access to multiple Bibles, commentaries, studies, sermons, podcasts, and other media that make it easy to “do religion” without ever interacting with another person. Yet that was never God’s intent for the Body of Christ. We can tend to resemble a bunch of scattered parts rather than an assembled body.

One of my jobs for the denomination is to compile the statistics submitted on church reports. It has long been the case that out of all the church members reported in our denomination, only about 64% are considered active members, and only about 60% are attending regularly. (However, I will say that we don’t have consistent definitions of member, active member, or attendance.) In some churches, only 20-30% of those listed as members are actually attending. Our denomination is not alone in this. An article on Christianity Today comments “Today, if ten people become church members, average attendance grows by five or six.” That article refers to an article by Thom Rainer that is both compelling and convicting. He offers five reasons church attendance is declining:

1) We are minimizing the importance of the local church.
2) We worship the idols of [personal and family] activities.
3) We take a lot of vacations from church.
4) We do not have high expectations of our members.
5) We make infrequent attendees leaders in our churches.

It can be depressing to see the trends and wonder what we can do to change them. It has become apparent to many leaders in many churches that our first responsibility is to pray. We must pray for God to work in the hearts of those who have walked away from the church (or even from the faith). We must pray about our own priorities and submit them to God’s will. We must pray about who we will put into leadership positions, and then continue to pray for them once they are there. We must pray for our church leadership to put God’s glory above all others things and to seek His will in all decisions. “You can do more than pray after you have prayed, but you cannot do more than pray until you have prayed” (John Bunyan).

“To this end we always pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of His calling and may fulfill every resolve for good and every work of faith by His power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ” (2 Thessalonians 1:11-12 ESV).

© 2019 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

One Body

Lately our church has been discussing the biblical basis for church membership and what that should look like. As Sam Allberry points out in this video clip, in Hebrews 10:25 the “opposite of not going to church is encouraging one another.” How can we encourage one another when we have no relationship? How can we obey all the “one anothers” of Scripture if we aren’t actually with one another on a regular basis?

Along those lines, it struck me that the Lord’s Prayer in Matthew 6:9-13 says, “Forgive us our debts…” It’s not “Forgive me as I have forgiven others,” but is rather a corporate statement of our need for forgiveness as a Body. (Not that we can’t pray it individually, but that shouldn’t be the only way we pray.) I think inherent within the prayer to “forgive us” is the need for forgiveness between members of the Body of Christ. Just prior to these verses Jesus had said, “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift” (5:23-24 ESV). I don’t think it is inconsequential that the order in Jesus’ teaching is: 1) reconcile to your brother, 2) go make your offering, 3) worship together as the body and confess your need for forgiveness. It is similar to Matthew 18 in confronting a brother for sin first privately and then increasingly publicly if he refuses to listen.

The point is that our actions as individuals do not just impact our own lives but also the Body of Christ. God has joined us together through the blood of Christ, and “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Matthew 19:6). The sin of one member of the Body effects the rest of the Body, and we need other members of the Body to help us walk in the forgiveness and newness of life that we have in Christ (Romans 6:4). As Paul pointed out in 1 Corinthians 5, one person’s sin was a bad influence on all of them, “Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump?” (5:6). Those in the church were told “not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty… Purge the evil person from among you” (5:11, 13).

Obviously some sins are much more visible than others, and some sinners require much more rebuke than others because of their hardness of heart. One person might need to be publicly disciplined while another needs only a quiet word from a brother. It is true that each of us individually can confess to God and receive His forgiveness, but it’s also true that God designed us to live in community. As such, we are meant to be exhorting and encouraging one another in our fight against sin. There is strength in numbers (Ecclesiastes 4:12).

After studying Greek in college, I realized that we need to read the epistles from a corporate mindset. The vast majority are written in the plural, which does not come through in English, and we can miss a lot by reading from a singular, independent viewpoint. First Corinthians 6:19 could more accurately be translated (in Southernese), “Do y’all not know that the body of y’all is the temple of the Holy Spirit in y’all, whom y’all have from God? Y’all are not your own.” Paul isn’t just saying that each of us individually belong to God, though that is true, but that we belong to Him together and we belong to one another as well (1 Corinthians 12:14-20).

I know Christians who see no need to be involved in a church, and there have been times I’ve wanted to disengage as well. But I don’t think that is really an option for anyone who loves God wholeheartedly. He didn’t just adopt us into relationship with Him as our Father, but into a family with one another as brothers and sisters. Jesus said, “If you love Me, you will keep My commandments” (John 14:15), and many of the commands in Scripture are to be carried out in relationship with one another in His Body. How can we choose to ignore those commands and still claim that we love Jesus?

In Ephesians 5, Paul writes about how we are to relate to one another. He didn’t totally change subjects when he hit verse 22 and started talking about marriage, he simply zeroed in on one type of relationship within the larger context of the Body of Christ. The marriage relationship is intended to reflect the relationship that Christ has with the Church (5:32). Being part of the Body of Christ is not always easy, just as marriage is not easy. It requires sacrifice of time, energy, and personal priorities, “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ” (5:21), nourishing and cherishing one another “because we are members of His Body” (5:30).

If we think that church is something we can simply add on like a new hobby, we are missing the point. We cannot function as individual parts if we are not connected to the Body. We cannot grow in Christ if we are not involved in the life of His Body. As Pastor Matt said, “We grow together or we don’t grow at all.”

“So as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another” (Romans 12:4-5).

© 2018 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

In the Light

I’ve been thinking about sin lately, and I’m not the only one. It so “happens” that the sermon at our church this week was on 1 Corinthians 10:1-13. Just a few days ago, Desiring God posted this article by Garrett Kell, If They Fell,So Can You, which is well worth reading.

What factors may cause us to give in to temptation?

• We don’t recognize something as sin, such as the more subtle sins of pride, gossip, or envy.
• We may have adopted the world’s standards in regards to sexuality, relationships, and money.
• We let ourselves become vulnerable through fatigue, stress, and busyness.
• We have slacked off in pursuing God through Scripture, prayer, and worship.
• We have become relationally isolated from fellow believers.
• We keep our sin secret due to fear and shame.
• We feel unique because we can’t see the sins that others struggle with.
• We judge our private sins to be less of a problem than someone else’s visible sin.

The solution to all of those is abiding in community with the Body of Christ to keep one another accountable. Together we pursue God and bring truth to light—the truth about God and about ourselves.

Another recent article by Jared Wilson on The Gospel Coalition quotes Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s Life Together:

“He who is alone with his sin is utterly alone. It may be that Christians, notwithstanding corporate worship, common prayer, and all their fellowship in service, may still be left to their loneliness. The final break-through to fellowship does not occur, because, though they have fellowship with one another as believers and as devout people, they do not have fellowship as the undevout, as sinners. The pious fellowship permits no one to be a sinner. So everybody must conceal his sin from himself and from the fellowship. We dare not be sinners. Many Christians are unthinkably horrified when a real sinner is suddenly discovered among the righteous. So we remain alone with our sin, living in lies and hypocrisy. The fact is that we are sinners!”

Wilson goes on to say, “I know people are mean, I know people are judgmental, I know people act weird and get messy and cause problems and are really inefficient for the ways we normally like to do church—but if we believe in the gospel, we don’t have a choice any longer to live in the dark. How about we stop being shocked to find sinners among the ‘pious’ and start shocking the fearful with grace?”

I wonder what the church would look like if this were the common experience? I’ve seen it happen on a small scale among a few friends, and it always makes me long for more. It’s hard to live in true Christian community if we’re all hiding secrets from one another. Dare we risk walking in the light?

“But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin” (1 John 1:7 ESV).

© 2018 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com.

Unhidden

Every now and then I wish that the Protestant church had not abandoned the sacrament of confession. While I understand that that was a byproduct of acknowledging the priesthood of all believers, I think that for many Christians today it has become the “priesthood of no believers” or perhaps the “priesthood of me.” No, we don’t require a priest to serve as an intermediary between us and God, but there is something sacred that happens in fellowship when one believer is able to remind another based on Scripture, “God has forgiven you and He loves you.” Those words draw us closer to one another and to God as we look toward the cross of Jesus Christ.

Certainly there were abuses in the Catholic Church in the use of the confessional, penance, and the selling of indulgences. And there were those like Martin Luther who felt so burdened by his own sinfulness that he spent excessive amounts of time trying to remember and confess every sin that might possibly separate him from God. He hadn’t yet learned the freedom of grace and mercy in Christ. Those abuses and errors required correction and the Reformation was greatly needed. Unfortunately, I think many modern Christians may have taken things too far. There are many who see no need for the local church at all. They believe they can live out their faith without any input from anyone else. They refuse to accept that gathering together is a spiritual discipline that is necessary not only for their own growth in sanctification, but also for the growth of others. We are all weakened when some try to go it alone.

Specifically as it relates to confession, participating in close fellowship with others provides opportunity for accountability, encouragement, and reminders of the truth of God’s Word. I know there have been times when I’ve needed someone keeping me accountable for my actions, not so that they could enforce penance but so that I remember that there is someone who cares whether I stand or fall. (There is such a thing as beneficial shame that provides an extra incentive to endure.) There have also been times when I’ve needed such a person but I’ve opted not to find someone, and that is always a recipe for failure sooner or later.

Accountability to another person also serves as a reminder of the seriousness of sin. Without accountability, we can easily dismiss or rationalize our pet sins. With accountability, we see more of the eternal and relational consequences of sin, but also the abundance of grace that comes through Jesus’s death on the cross.

James wrote, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working” (5:16 ESV). Yet that seems to be the last thing many of us would choose to do. Confessing to one another is a way of agreeing with God that sin matters, grace abounds, God’s love endures, and we matter to Him and to one another.

Charles E. Moore wrote in Called to Community: The Life Jesus Wants for His People:

“Confession means far more than unloading one’s problems on someone else or striving for personal betterment. We bare our souls before our brothers and sisters for the sake of building up the body of Christ. Only by sharing life to this degree can we show the world that Jesus really does have the power to forgive sins, set burdened people free, and restore broken relationships.”

Paul David Tripp wrote:

“Confession shouldn’t be this scary thing we do our best to avoid. Sin, weakness, and failure shouldn’t be the constant elephant in the room that we all know is there but can’t (or won’t) talk about… It should be liberating, not understood as a moment of personal and relational loss. Our confession should be propelled by deep appreciation and gratitude toward God, who has made it possible for us to no longer fear being exposed.”

Olan Stubbs put it this way:

“Sometimes being honest with another person eye to eye about our sin forces us to be more honest with ourselves about our sin and ultimately more honest with the Lord… Whether it’s a small group, or an accountability group, or some other arrangement, we all need the help of other Christians in the church to assess, call out, and rebuke our sins, and to encourage us in holy living. Take advantage of the great gift God has given in providing not only forgiveness (Romans 8:1) and sin-killing power (Romans 8:4) by faith, but also other believers (Romans 12:5–8) to whom we can confess our sins and have them speak truth and grace back to us.”

I challenge all of us, myself included, to consider how we can better facilitate true community through the vulnerability of confession.

“Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy” (Proverbs 28:13).

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On a related note, Sam Storms had a couple recent blog posts that are worth reading on the importance of church membership:

http://www.samstorms.com/enjoying-god-blog/post/10-things-you-should-know-about-church-membership

http://www.samstorms.com/enjoying-god-blog/post/why-do-people-object-to-the-concept-of-membership-in-a-local-church

© 2018 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com.

Among Friends

I read the following quote from Dietrich Bonhoeffer (originally from Life Together) in a compilation of writings titled Called to Community: The Life Jesus Wants for His People.

“If we do not give thanks daily for the Christian fellowship in which we have been placed, even where there is no great experience, no discoverable riches, but much weakness, small faith, and difficulty; if on the contrary, we only keep complaining to God that everything is to paltry and petty, so far from what we expected, then we hinder God from letting our fellowship grow according to the measure and riches which are there for us all in Jesus Christ… The more thankfully we daily receive what is given to us, the more surely and steadily will fellowship increase and grow from day to day as God pleases.”

Moments after reading that, I read another part of the same Bonhoeffer quote in Messy Beautiful Friendship, by Christine Hoover (a book I would recommend):

“The man who fashions a visionary ideal of community demands that it be realized by God, by others, and by himself. He enters the community of Christians with his demands, sets up his own law, and judges the brethren and God Himself accordingly… When things do not go his way, he calls the effort a failure… So he becomes, first an accuser of his brethren, then an accuser of God, and finally the despairing accuser of himself.”

I find that to be both convicting and frustrating. As Hoover spells out in her book, we all make assumptions about friendship and fellowship, and more often than not our assumptions are based on what we want and need for ourselves. Some of our assumptions may be biblical, but many are not. I sometimes find myself thinking things like:

• If people were really committed to our church, so many would show up for Bible study that we’d have groups meeting every night of the week.
• If we were pursuing real fellowship, we wouldn’t have so many people who feel alone and isolated.
• If people really cared about one another, it wouldn’t be so hard to get real conversations going.

I wrestle with finding a balance somewhere between selfishly expecting too much from people and apathetically expecting nothing from anyone. As I read the scriptural “one another” admonitions, I still believe that the modern church ought to raise the bar for what we expect in relationships—love one another, outdo one another in showing honor, live in harmony with one another, welcome one another, instruct one another, comfort one another, serve one another, bear one another’s burdens, be kind to one another, encourage one another, exhort one another, confess your sins to one another, pray for one another, show hospitality to one another, abound in love for one another… 

But at the same time, I realize that my needs and desires may differ from others in both type and intensity because we have different types of responsibilities, homes, and interests. And if we are building relationships based on our commonalities, rather than our differences, it will likely take more intense effort in more condensed periods of time. Tim Keller said, “In a busy culture like ours, all our other loves will push themselves upon us. Friendship takes incredibly deliberate time.”

It is not always easy to be thankful for what we do have rather than bemoan what we don’t. We also need to consider whether we are expecting from people what only God can give. I completely agree with Hoover that:

“In our wish-dreams, we tend to make people our gods. We look to them—at least I have—to know us intimately at all times, to meet our every need, to be there when we want them near, and to love us unconditionally and perfectly, when the map points only to God as having these abilities” (37-38).

I think we probably all have some learning and growing to do in our relationships with one another in the Body of Christ.

“Gracious Lord Jesus, I need to know You as my friend. It is not for some specific blessing I ask, but for the greatest of all blessings, the one from which all others flow. I dare to ask You for a renewal of the wonderful friendship that makes the conversation called prayer a natural give-and-take divine dialogue… Open my mind so I may see myself and my relationships from Your perspective” (Lloyd John Ogilvie, Praying Through the Tough Times, 222).

© 2018 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com.