Unresolved and Resolved

First, a side note—while it's true that my writing can sound a bit like preaching, the fact is I'm preaching to myself first and foremost. I just hope that others may also benefit from what I need to learn.

I've mentioned before that I don't make New Year's resolutions. It isn't that I don't have things I'd like to change, but I've been disappointed by the futility of trying to discipline the flesh apart from the intervening work of God. Jesus didn't come to reform us in the flesh, but to transform us into new creations. Having said that, I realize that we have to spend a lifetime in this fallen, fleshly body before we get to enjoy the full benefits of the new creation. And while we’re here we’d like to make the best of it. So here are Scriptures things I’ve been thinking about that have helped me to reframe my thoughts about resolutions. While I’m focusing on sinful actions, the same principles apply to anything that is unwise or unhealthy.

“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately corrupt; who can understand it?” (Jer. 17:9).  “For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, fornication, theft, false witness, slander” (Matt. 15:19). Our lives are basically controlled by our mind/heart, and everything we do, both good and bad, starts with our thought processes. A sex addict doesn’t suddenly find himself in a hotel room with a strange woman and not remember how he got there. A woman on a diet doesn’t eat a pint of ice cream and not remember picking up the carton. Every wrong action begins with a first thought, a second glance, or a few steps on the familiar path.

“Put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh to gratify its desires” (Rom. 13:14). Just as wrong actions initiate from our thoughts, the solution also has to start in our thoughts. It’s easy to think, “I can handle that little temptation without giving in.” We’re wrong more often than not. Resisting temptation and changing habits may require some significant changes in our routines—avoiding certain places or situations that tend to trip us up, finding people to keep us accountable, and fixing our attention on things that will lift us up instead of pulling us down. “Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious, excellent, worthy of praise—think about these things” (Phil. 4:8).

I am reminded of a time many years ago when I was frustrated and fed up with a lot of things. I decided in my mind that I was going to go buy some alcohol as a way to cope with the issues. (I’m not saying that drinking is necessarily bad, but my motives were certainly wrong.) So I went to a grocery store I didn’t normally frequent, to try to remain anonymous. As I was scanning the aisles, who should I run into but someone from church. That scuttled my plans pretty quickly!

Sometimes God intervenes when we plan to sin, but sometimes He lets us sin and then face the consequences. “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and He will not let you be tempted beyond your strength, but with the temptation will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it” (1 Cor. 10:13). We don’t always want to look for the way out, but we need to learn to do so if we are really going to change.

“Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind…” (Rom. 12:2a). Personally, I know that I need to be more intent upon filling my mind and my life with good things so that I’m not consumed with the bad things. I want and need to spend more time in Scripture and in conversation with God. Writing is one way for me to focus on Scripture and apply it to my life, and journaling helps me to pray coherently and not drift off into random thoughts (or to sleep!). So while I’m not making specific resolutions, I am taking steps that will initiate change in my life and by God’s grace I hope to continue on this path.

Un-Merry Christmas

The more pop Christmas music I hear (and it’s unavoidable), the more I realize how disconnected most of it is from real life. “Tis the season to be jolly;” “Have a holly, jolly Christmas, it’s the best time of the year;” “There’s no place like home for the holidays;” and “Have yourself a merry little Christmas, let your heart be light, from now on our troubles will be out of sight.”

Let’s get real! A lot of us aren’t going to have a jolly Christmas for various reasons—depression, death, national tragedies, unemployment, terminal illness, divorce, family discord, etc. Even saying “Merry Christmas” is a bit of a stretch, though that is somewhat better than “Happy Holidays.” If you don’t know what someone is going through, don’t tell them how to feel about this time of year! Many folks are just biding their time until the shopping frenzy dies down and life can get back to a regular routine. (I purposely did not say “normal routine” because, as Patsy Clairmont said, “Normal is just a setting on your dryer.”) Of the secular songs, my favorite is “If We Make It Through December.”

I can accept most of the more Christian Christmas carols (except for Little Drummer Boy). At least they have some link to our faith in a Savior born in Bethlehem. As some have pointed out, the first Christmas wasn’t all that merry either—registering for taxation, a stable for a delivery room, babies and toddlers killed by a paranoid king… There’s nothing that would make me want to live in that era, not even for a chance to see Jesus in the flesh.

Jesus told the disciples, “I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy” (John 16:20). As we are getting closer to the Second Coming, and we may hope these are the end times, there will be increased mourning, strife, and hardship. Things are going to get worse, not better. Jesus continued by saying, “I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). So even though this season may not be filled with happiness, you can still have peace in Christ, hope for eternity, and joy in knowing you’re not alone.

As I shared on Facebook, here are a few of the true gifts that are available in Christ and they cannot be taken away from us:
Joy unspeakable - 1 Pet. 1:8
Grace unending - 2 Cor. 4:15
Love unfathomable - Eph. 3:19
Peace incomprehensible - Phil. 4:7
Wisdom unsearchable - Rom. 11:33
Power incomparable - Eph. 1:19
Patience immeasurable - Rom. 2:4

May your Christmas be blessed with the knowledge of our Savior’s love!

Abundant Life

“I have come that they may have life, and have it abundantly” (John 10:10b).
 

What is this full, abundant life? I’m not sure I have it all figured out yet, but here are a few thoughts. The word used here is the same root word used in Matthew 14:20 and 15:37 referring to the abundant leftovers from feeding the 5000 and the 4000. It is also used in Romans 5:15 referring to the grace of God “super-abounding” through Jesus. It is more than enough, overflowing, extraordinary, profuse, and superfluous.

 

The context of John 10:10 is Jesus’ teaching that He is the Good Shepherd. He knows His sheep and they know Him and follow Him; He lays down His life for the sheep; He protects His sheep and cares for them. He is not simply a caretaker, but the owner and master of the sheep. He has a vested interest in the flock. Psalm 23 is a beautiful picture of our relationship with the Shepherd.

 

I should note that some have used John 10:10 as a basis for their “health & wealth” doctrine, claiming that God wants to give us abundant physical blessings. I won’t take the time to refute that here as many learned men have already tackled that subject. There are plenty of Scriptures that could be cited against that teaching.

 

So what is this abundance? Second Peter 1:3 says, “His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness.” Ephesians 1:3 puts it this way, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.” Paul goes on to list some of those blessings in the next several verses: chosen, adopted, grace, redemption, forgiveness, wisdom and understanding...

 

We have the Creator and Lord of the Universe as our Father— we are heirs together with Christ. “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights” (James 1:17). This page lists just a few of the promises we can claim in Christ:
http://ficm.org/index.php?command=textwhoamiinchrist

 

If we believed all that the Bible says is true about us, perhaps we would come closer to experiencing this abundance in our daily life. But the fact is that our life on earth is marred by sin—both our own and others. The creation itself is damaged by the effects of sin. We live in bodies subject to disease and death. Governments, societies, and churches are full of flawed people with limited understanding. So this life often seems far from abundant. In 2 Corinthians 1:4-5 Paul writes that God “consoles us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to console those who are in any affliction with the consolation with which we ourselves are consoled by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ are abundant for us, so also our consolation is abundant through Christ.” The sufferings of this age are tempered with the grace of God, and are used not only for our growth but for the growth of others.

 

Abundant life overflows to others. “Out of the believer’s heart shall flow rivers of living water” (John 7:38). We reflect God’s light and life to those around (Phil. 2:15). We are conduits of God’s grace.

 

A final thought comes from Matthew 28:20, “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” No matter what we go through, the good, the bad and the ugly, Jesus is with us. We don’t have to ask Him to show up or plead for His attention. He is there whether we acknowledge Him or not. And not only is He present, He knows from personal experience what it is like to suffer in this life (Heb. 2:14-18), and He “knows what you need before you ask Him” (Matt. 6:8). When life is hard and we feel like we’re just barely getting by, we can take comfort in knowing that God knows our needs, hears our prayers, and is always present. The abundant life doesn’t depend on our feelings—it is already ours in Christ. May we all be encouraged by this truth!

 

 

Thoughts on Discipleship

The following thoughts are based on recent discussions at church, books I’ve read, as well as my personal experience. I don’t claim to be any kind of authority on the subject of discipleship, so I’ll just say these are my own opinions and should be run through the filter of Scripture for validation. These are in no particular order.

Small Group Discipleship

There seems to be a tendency in certain groups or authors to imply that discipleship is necessarily one-on-one. While there are instances where that is the case, I don’t think that is definitive. Jesus spent most of his time with a small group of twelve. Certainly He was closer to some than others, but there are few places in the Gospels where He speaks just to one person, and even then they appear to be single conversations, not ongoing relationships. The Apostle Paul may have spent more time with individuals such as Timothy, but most of his teaching letters are to groups of believers. So small group Bible studies, Sunday school classes, youth groups, and so on can certainly be settings for discipleship to take place.

This is encouraging to me when I start feeling like I’m not doing everything I should because I don’t currently have a one-on-one relationship in which I am intentionally discipling someone. As I participate in some groups there are still opportunities for discipleship to take place, and I don’t have to chastise myself for my perceived failures.

A Two-Way Street

From my own experiences I’ve learned that discipleship is not necessarily one-way either. As we love one another, encourage one another, and spur one another, that is often a reciprocal relationship. So as I interact with other believers, I don’t have to act like I’m the teacher and they are the student or vice versa. We can all learn from one another. I think perhaps these types of relationships are the most enjoyable—walking the road together and discussing what we see and what we can learn from it.

Since my job is in a Christian organization and my outside activities are lately all church related, I wonder how I’m supposed to make time to build relationships with non-believers for the purpose of discipling them. This takes some of the pressure off with the realization that the majority of discipleship takes place after conversion. And we all have different seasons in life when our community activities and relationships will change.

I signed up for a class in discipleship when I was in graduate school, and in the first session the instructor said, “By next class you each need to go out and find a non-believer and you’re going to disciple them this semester.” I immediately went to the registrar and dropped the class. That kind of pressure was way too much for that setting. Some instruction in discipleship was needed before laying that burden on us. (I’ve often wondered if others dropped the class as well.)

Relational

Some authors suggest, if not state outright, that discipleship needs to be a prescribed program of Bible study, reading books, and scheduled meetings. That idea really frustrates me. Outside of seminary, there are few times and places where you can follow a set curriculum and schedule.

My own experience in being discipled through college and graduate school was much more relaxed and almost entirely related to what was going on in my life at the time. It was all about a relationship with one another and with God. There were some times when we shared books, and we frequently discussed Scripture, but it was by no means a regimented plan. As I said earlier, it was walking through life together as friends, not as teacher instructing student.

God’s Work

Ultimately, spiritual growth is God’s work, not ours. Paul said, “I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the increase.” Paul and Apollos served to exhort, encourage, and edify many people, but the final result was the work of God. What a relief to know that it doesn’t rest on my shoulders! I’ll do what I can as God leads, but God is the one who will cause growth in my life and in the lives of those I interact with.

As I look back on some relationships, I see that the people have grown far beyond anything I ever imparted to them because they’ve gotten connected with other believers and God has done great things in their lives. But other relationships have stagnated and the people seem to have lost their original zeal for God. I don’t blame myself for that (at least not most of the time). I pray that I planted a seed that at some point will be watered and start growing again. Only God knows what is needed and when that should happen.

We’re Unique

I’ll just close by reaffirming that God has called us each to make disciples as we are going through life, but that process may look different for each of us, and it may look different in the various phases of our lives. It is unfair to try to fit any believer into a particular mold, because God has made us each unique. He works differently in and through each of us depending on the gifts He has given us and the path He has laid out for us. I’m encouraged by these thoughts and I hope they help someone else too.

© 2012 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

In Everything Give Thanks

Yesterday as I was driving home I was listening to Jan Karon’s book In This Mountain. I’ve read the book a few times before, but needed to be reminded of the sermon Father Tim shares in chapter 19 on 1 Thessalonians 5:18. Here’s a brief excerpt:

“In everything, give thanks… Generally, Christians understand that giving thanks is good and right. Though we don’t do it often enough, it’s easy to have a grateful heart for food and shelter, love and hope, health and peace. But what about the hard stuff, the stuff that darkens your world and wounds you to the quick? … A deeper spiritual truth, I believe, lies in giving thanks… in everything. In loss of all kinds. In illness. In depression. In grief. In failure. And, of course, in health and peace, success and happiness. In everything. There’ll be times when you wonder how you can possibly thank Him for something that turns your life upside down; certainly there will be such times for me. Let us, then, at times like these, give thanks on faith alone… obedient, trusting, hoping, believing… Whether God caused it or permitted it, we can rest assured--there is great good in it.”

So with that reminder yesterday, along with a similar sermon on Psalm 107 this morning, I’m giving thanks for this season of depression in my life, and endeavoring to find the good in it-- strengthening relationships with some friends; new relationships with others in my church family; opportunities to encourage those in similar situations; a job that allows me the time I need for rest and recuperation; reminders of God’s presence in good times and in bad; learning to pray more frequently and faithfully; and most of all a Savior who knows me better than I know myself and loves me more than I can yet imagine.

For a variety of reasons, I’m not inclined to believe that I’ll ever be completely free from depression, one of which is that God has to keep reminding me that I need Him as well as His people. Otherwise I’m quick to become self-reliant. Only when I am weak can His strength show through. I found the following poem by Benjamin Malachi Franklin that my grandmother had copied into the back of a book:

“My life is but a weaving, between my God and me.
I do not choose the colors, He worketh steadily.
Oft’ times He weaveth sorrow; and I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper and I the underside.
Not ‘til the loom is silent, and shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas and reveal the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful in the weaver’s skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned
He knows, He loves, He cares; nothing this truth can dim.
He gives the very best to those who leave the choice to Him.”

Why me, Lord?

With a title like that you may be expecting a whining complaint, and I’ll admit I’ve had some days like that (okay, a lot). But today’s thought is a bit different-- “Why do You love me, Lord?” I can understand “God is love,” and “God so loved the world,” but “God loves me”? That is a bit harder to grasp. I am quick to tell myself that there is nothing within me that makes me worthy of God’s love. I certainly can’t earn His love. But I think there are a few things I can latch onto.

1. God created me. Sure, the fallen world has messed up this particular creation quite a bit. But God does love His creations. I can understand a little about the pride and joy of creating something, even if it is not perfect at this moment.

2. God decided in advance that I would be His child. He adopted me in spite of the fact that I am often a poor reflection of my Father. He loves me as His child even though I don’t always act like part of His family.

3. God is working on me, in me, and through me. He is conforming me to the image of Jesus, though this is a lifelong process. He has promised to complete that work. His love is transforming my heart and mind slowly but surely. And He has arranged good works for me to do, even though I’m not always sure what I am doing or why.

So God loves me because He created me to be His child and is making me into what He deems best for me. But to complicate matters, God loves me just as I am and not as I should be. In this life I will never be quite what I should be, but God will complete the work in the resurrection.

I still don’t quite understand “why me,” but maybe the question should be “why not me?” I’m not all that different from the many other individuals God has chosen and adopted as His children. We’re all far from perfect and not all that lovable. But as St. Augustine said, “In loving me, You made me lovable.”

God’s ways are not mine, and I am not going to figure out His master plan. Somehow I just have to trust that I am part of that plan and He will make it happen. Even though I don’t understand it, I believe: “Yes, Jesus loves me, the Bible tells me so.”

 

Who's In Control Here

There are two things I’ve been thinking about for the past week or so, and it turns out they are related.

The first is the idea of relinquishing all authority, decisions, and control—as if returning to childhood, when someone else had all the responsibility for taking care of my needs. (At least that is one example. I have others I can’t share.) While I was wishing that could be the case, God reminded me, “What do you think I am here for?” He is the one who is in control of all things, so why can’t I let Him do His job? One reason is that I’m not quite sure how to let go of the big stuff, much less the small stuff. Heck, I can’t even let go of jobs that other people can or should be doing. I live by the motto, “If you want it done right, do it yourself.” So what can I do to let God be God? I guess the first, and perhaps biggest thing, is to accept His promises on faith. Of course, that assumes that I know what He has promised through His Word. He says He’ll provide, taking care of everything from clothing the lilies to giving us daily bread. He says He is always there, always aware of what is going on, and will never give us more than we can bear. But most of the time I don’t believe that He cares or will provide, and it seems like it’s up to me to get it done.

The second thought is wondering what the future holds and whether it is worth waiting for. As a child, you can’t wait to get old enough to drive, then to graduate from high school. Then maybe you can’t wait to graduate from college and get out in the “real world.” And then you get a job and find out that it doesn’t fulfill all your expectations either, no matter how many different jobs you try. And for some, marriage and family are goals that you can’t wait to reach, then maybe empty nesting and grandkids. But at some point, at least I think this is true for most people, you start asking, “Is this all there is?” Maybe that’s what a midlife crisis is all about. I’ve been wondering whether I’m just biding my time until either something new happens or the end comes (whether through death or the Second Coming of Jesus). Doesn’t God have something better in mind than for me to do my job, collect my paycheck and go home? So with those thoughts in mind I have tried to make some small changes in my life that might make me at least feel more productive. (In psychology terms, they call this stage Generativity vs. Stagnation.)

Then last night I started reading John Ortberg’s book The Me I Want to Be. And he hits on the same topics. I’m just a couple chapters in, but what I’ve learned from it so far is that there is nothing I can do to make myself better. God made me, He knows me best, and He has plans to use me in ways that I can’t foresee. I can’t fulfill my own expectations, or anyone else’s for that matter. But God can fulfill His expectations to make me who He wants me to be. Ortberg writes, “Languishing is the condition of someone who may be able to function but has lost a sense of hope and meaning.”  And, “To be spiritually alive means to receive power from God to have a positive impact on your world.” (Sorry I don’t have page numbers, but I’m working from the Kindle version.)

I’m still pondering what this all means, and how to get to the point of letting God get on with what He’s already begun in me (Philippians 1:6). I know I can’t do it myself because I’ve tried for years and it has only made me miserable. I’m hoping Ortberg will have a few clues on how to let go. Meanwhile I’m trying to immerse myself in the promises of God and let them saturate my brain and my spirit. I need a bigger bulletin board for all the index cards of Scripture I’m accumulating!

When Tears Are Worship

We’ve probably all heard the definition of worship as “ascribing worth to God” or something similar. We tend to think of worship as what we do on Sunday morning, gathering together in joyous (or perhaps tedious) songs of praise and in prayer. Reading the chapter on worship in John Piper’s book Desiring God I got a new picture of what worship can be.

As I’ve been struggling with depression and frequent bouts of crying for no discernable reason, there are two thoughts that often come to mind. First, “Why is this happening?” And second, “Help me Lord!” At those times, I am realizing again how small I am and that I have no control over anything in this world. But I also realize how big our God is, not only in control of the universe but of each of His children as well. Nothing escapes His notice. And when I come to Him with empty hands and broken heart, I am worshipping Him by acknowledging that He is the only One who can heal me, and fill me with joy and peace.

How many times did the psalmist cry out to God for help and deliverance? Psalm 42:3 says, “My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me continually, ‘Where is your God?’” What about Peter in his time of failure by denying his Lord and then being forgiven on the seashore? How about Paul in prison, shipwrecks, and everything else he faced? Through it all our heroes of the faith worshipped God with their tears.

 

What an amazing thing it is that we have a God that not only loves people in general, but He loves me specifically. He not only loves me, but He likes me and wants to spend time with me (Zephaniah 3:17). So I’m reminding myself that even though I don’t understand what’s going on, my God is still worthy of worship because He is God and I’m not. What does the Father desire but for us come to Him and be swept up in His loving arms? And whether we come running in joy or in pain He still delights in being Abba Father. “Little ones to Him belong, we are weak but He is strong!”

Why Obey God?

In college one of my favorite classes as psychology, and my favorite section of the class was the study of Lawrence Kohlberg’s theory of moral development. It came to mind again this week after the revival services at church, which coincided with me reading John Piper’s book Future Grace. So in an effort to combine all three trains of thought, the following is one theory as to what motivates us to obey God. The rationale varies from person to person, as does the level of obedience. To paraphrase Kohlberg, the stages are:

1) Fear of punishment

2) Seeking reward (what’s in it for me)

3) Seeking approval (good boy; social norms)

4) Maintaining social order (law and order)

5) Social contract (what’s best for society, even if it is not legal)

6) Universal ethical principles

I would suggest that a lot of “evangelistic” preaching is focused at the first level-- forcing people to obey God out of fear of future punishment-- trying to “scare the hell” out of people. This approach may work on a superficial level for a period of time, but it fails to address the issues of the heart. The second level isn’t much better-- I’ll obey just enough to get into heaven (hopefully).

The third level seems more “Christian” at least superficially. I’ll be good and go to Sunday school and try to keep my parents and teachers happy. If I’m good enough then maybe God will accept me. One problem is determining what is “good enough.” Depending on who we compare ourselves to, we may feel we’re doing well. But compared to the holiness of the perfect God, we’ve totally missed the point.

The fourth level focuses on the fact that if people obey the law, then the world will be a better place. Those who disobey the law deserve whatever punishment they may receive, both now and in the hereafter. But whose law are we obeying? Is it the law of whatever country we reside in, or the law of the Lord of the Universe?

At the fifth level comes the realization that some things need to be done even if they are outside the laws of men. You might think of those who have chosen to proclaim their faith even in the face of death. Civil disobedience is an effort to bring a greater good to the world, and perhaps to get the laws changed at the same time.

And finally, the universal ethical principles-- and I would say “godly principles.” Those who have truly understood the grace of God are anxious to obey Him, not to gain His approval, to win a place in heaven, or even to express our thankfulness, but because “Christ’s love compels us” (2 Corinthians 5:14). We obey because He loved us and therefore we are enabled to love Him. Even when we fail to obey, we know that we have forgiveness in Christ and are fully accepted by Him (Romans 5:1, Colossians 1:21-22).

I would argue that few Christians (perhaps nominal Christians) ever reach the upper levels of development. Many do the “Christian thing” out of habit, perhaps trying to please a parent or spouse, and hoping to tip the scales of judgment in their favor. But God desires an obedience that comes from a heart motivated by love. “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength” (Deuteronomy 6:5). In Matthew 22 Jesus emphasizes this motivation as the only way to fulfill the law and prophets. Even the Scribes and Pharisees missed the point, so it’s little wonder that so many Christians are in the same boat.

“I pray that you being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God” (Ephesians 3:17-19).

Introverts

I was recently reminded of the Myers-Briggs personality inventory. A year or so ago I tested as “ISTJ,” and I found some good descriptions online. I guess I’d summarize it as being conscientious to a fault-- even to the detriment of my physical and mental health. I don’t know if it’s part of being an introvert, or one of my other clinical diagnoses, but I’ve always found it much easier to write than to interact verbally in nearly all situations. I hate the telephone because there’s no way to plan for the conversation. Face to face meetings are somewhat easier if I can kind of read the situation. But the larger the group the harder it is to form any coherent statement that will contribute to the discussion.

The difficulty in conversations is that I have too many thoughts going through my mind to decide how to put them into a coherent sentence that is relevant to the subject at hand. I’m constantly thinking-- What do they mean by that question? What answer are they expecting? What answer will satisfy them? What do I believe about the subject? Does this person believe the same way I do? Can I safely say what I believe without offending them or making them categorize me? If I say this, what is the next question going to be and am I ready to answer that one? Is this a 5-minute conversation or 15?

It was brought to my consciousness in a counseling session a few weeks ago (and is part of the reason I quit going). She gave me the standard, “You can say anything to me.. You can even tell me you think I’m missing the point.” But then I made a comment simply in order to be honest, knowing that if I didn’t say it up front, she’d later want to know why I was hiding it. Anyway, my comment came out, and from that moment on that was the whole focus of her attention. It ticked me off because that particular issue was not the reason I was in her office. So I went back to my routine of carefully measuring the safety of every sentence.

Besides the difficulty of maintaining conversations, I have to mentally rehearse nearly every conversation I’ve had during the day. And if I know I have a meeting coming up, I try to rehearse every possibly contingency of what I need to say, what I can’t say, and where the discussion will lead. Sometimes my brain gets stuck on a relatively simple explanation. It’s as if I’m stuck in the middle of a geometry proof-- I can’t just say to myself “a triangle has three sides,” but I have to explain to myself that the sum of the angles is 180 degrees, the Pythagorean theorem, sine, cosine, and tangent formulas… Maybe it’s the mental equivalent of OCD-- if I don’t complete the thought I can’t move on to the next thought.

Anyway, the reason I’m going through all this right now is that I know many businesses discourage the use of email because of its impersonal nature and is often misinterpreted. But they don’t understand that some of us communicate much better by email than in person. It is less frightening and a lot faster in most cases. Going back to the introvert label, it is draining to be around people to listen to all that they have to say, especially if they are the type of person who thinks out loud and never gets to a point. I like to avoid all such interactions, even if I know that I have something valuable to contribute. Even people who work in the same field, and should have about the same knowledge that I have, can be an irritant if they can’t get to the conclusion as fast as I can or in the same way I do. If it’s clear that A+B=C, then why do they complicate things by explaining that C-B=A?

As an introvert, I’ve constantly been challenged by any kind of competitive activity, from card games to basketball. I remember in grade school I would “cheat” at Bingo to make sure someone else would win before me. I had no desire to draw attention to myself by winning. Then there was the ubiquitous Sunday school activity of “who can find the Bible verse first?” I knew perfectly well that I could find them first, but I wasn’t about to try. Team sports have always intimidated me with the worry that I might somehow embarrass myself. At least in track I had a place where I quickly learned I could excel without worry (though I did feel bad about beating a girl who was two or three grades ahead of me).

It’s also tough to have an IQ that’s higher than 98% of the world. (Yes, I’m a Mensa member, at least until the next time my dues are up.) Even if I have a good idea that could benefit others, I’m afraid I’ll have to explain it to someone who just doesn’t get it.

So what do I take away from these ramblings? I know that God has made me unique, and it’s okay to be different, but sometimes I wish I weren’t quite so different. And while I know that He will help me do whatever He requires of me, that doesn’t make it much less scary. Some things have gotten easier over time, but He keeps stretching my comfort zone.

One Person's Story

In some respects it started in 1999 when I was diagnosed with depression and put on medication. But in reality it started many years earlier, before I was old enough to know what depression was. Being a shy child and moving from one state to another every few years, I was usually lonely and isolated. It’s hard to be happy when you have no close friends, and move just as soon as you start to fit in. I remember being quite young and crying to my mom, “I feel like nobody loves me.” Of course I was loved, and I knew that, but there was some unexplainable unhappiness within me. I suppose if I’d been born a few years later I would have been medicated as a child. 

Junior high and high school brought new tortures. Anyone who was quiet, smart, or a little different was victim to numerous bullies. The school bus was the worst. Since mine was the last stop, the seats were mostly filled and the few that remained were obstinately refused to be yielded. Even kids several years younger than me would take the opportunity to prove they were too cool for someone like me. I begged to go to a Christian school or to be home schooled, but that was not allowed. It didn’t help that I skipped 7^th grade and thus ended up a grade higher than the kids who had been my friends, and a year younger than all my classmates. The blessing was that it meant I could get out of that atmosphere a year sooner. I'm glad that was before the days of school shootings, because some of my classmates would have followed the trends.

Attending a Christian college was a little better in that I found many people with similar interests and beliefs. But there were some difficulties there too. My junior year I was selected to be an Resident Assistant, but the experience was so overwhelming for me that I was forced to resign due to my depression. I was also forced to see a counselor for a few sessions, but I didn’t get much out of it because I was so resentful at being there. I did manage to survive as an RA for my senior year however. One of the memories that still makes me cringe is that at the end of the year, my Resident Director, who had known me for four years, told me that she’d always thought of me as “just another student” even though I had thought we were closer than that. After all, I had even worked one summer with her at a Pioneer Girls camp. She also told me that she felt our relationship was like rough sandpaper. Reflecting on it now, I truly believe she was dealing with some emotional problems of her own, and probably didn’t realize the wounding power of her words.

Whether from coincidence or intuition, my senior research project was on the biological function of antidepressants (long since outdated). Now that I’ve had some personal experience with several different antidepressants, I realize how variable they are from one person to another, and even variable at different times for the same person. I’ve been on at least 6 different meds over the years, often two at the same time. I’ve also had a couple different anti-anxiety meds. In my own case, I think the major cause is chemical insufficiencies in my brain; however, I know that circumstances, events, and beliefs can also play a roll in feelings of wellbeing.

I’ve been through some counseling in years past that has helped me to look at things a little differently. Sometimes I know I should reconsider my perspective on issues, but I don’t always want to do that. At times it feels easier to live with depression than to take steps to resolve the issues that may be contributing to it. It’s especially hard when there are other people involved--people I don’t want to confront about their lack of cooperation and communication, or people I don’t want to hurt by questioning whether they are doing the right thing in the right way. And I also don’t want to be seen as an irritant by complaining too often about things that don’t seem quite right to me. I don’t know if it is related to my job and/or gifts of wisdom and discernment, but I frequently feel like I have a unique perspective on things that are happening. I always hope that someone else sees the same picture so that I don’t have to be the one to defend my perspective. I’ve been shot down in groups a couple times for voicing my opinion, so I usually just keep it to myself. Ironically, in the two instances that come to mind, the group leader specifically asked me for my opinion and then turned it around to make me sound like a heretic.

Those are just a few of the factors that have made me who I am today. In general I would say that I am content with who I am, where I am, and what I am doing. My only desire is that I would be more conscious of dwelling in Christ and that His joy may complete in me.