How Do I Love Thee?

Most folks are probably aware of Gary Chapman’s 1992 book, The Five Love Languages and its sequels. He lists five primary ways in which people give and receive expressions of love: 1) words of affirmation, 2) acts of service, 3) gifts, 4) quality time, and 5) physical touch. I ran across a couple articles recently that got me thinking about that again.

The author of the first article had done an informal survey which showed that most people receive or experience love most through quality time, but give mostly through acts of service. I’d say that is true for me as well. But it made me wonder—if most of us want quality time with the people we love, why is it that we don’t actually do that very well or very frequently? The answer, of course, is busyness. We are either too busy, or we think that others are too busy, so we don’t make the effort to find that time together that we desire. And I think that also points to why we offer love through acts of service as well, because at some level we think “Maybe I can’t spend time with that person right now, but I can do something for them. And if I do something for them, maybe it will allow time and opportunity for quality time together.” The other languages of gifts, touch, and words of affirmation seem more fleeting, and therefore less valuable.

That brings me to the second article, David Powlison’s critique of the book. He raises several good points, but perhaps the biggest problem we all deal with is that we can become entirely self-centered in pursuit of what we think we need from others. I can certainly attest to that. When I don’t get the personal interaction I think I need, I can become snarky, suspicious of others, and judgmental. It irritates me when the only conversations I have some days consist almost entirely of “Good morning” and “See you tomorrow.” I forget about endeavoring to love others regardless of whether I feel loved or not. Powlison points out,

“Chapman… exalts the observation that ‘even tax collectors, gentiles, and sinners love those who love them’ (Matt. 5:46f; Luke 6:32ff) into his guiding principle for human relationships… Fallenness not only brings ignorance about how best to love others; it brings a perverse unwillingness and inability to love. It ingrains the perception that our lusts are in fact needs, empty places inside where others have disappointed us… Chapman never deals with the fact that even desires for good things can still be evil desires in God’s analysis of what makes us tick.”

Ouch! How often are our desires sinfully motivated? How often do our words and actions try to manipulate others for our own benefit? Even something good like writing sermons (or blog posts!) can become opportunities to exalt self and to point the finger at those who don’t measure up to our standards.

While it can be helpful to understand human perceptions and desires so that we can communicate love in ways that others will appreciate, our efforts need to be shaped first and foremost by Scripture. Love includes giving sacrificially to those in need, extending hospitality, embracing others, and encouraging the weak and weary. But it also includes confronting sin, saying no to lesser gods, and sometimes disfellowshipping the unrepentant. We are even called to “love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return” (Luke 6:35), knowing that our reward comes not from mankind but from our Father in heaven.

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:34-35).

© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

One Life to Live

“The years of our life are seventy, or even by reason of strength eighty; yet their span is but toil and trouble; they are soon gone, and we fly away” (Psalm 90:10).

There is a deleted scene from the Star Trek Enterprise third season episode “Similitude” that says:

“If you had five days left, would you spend them sleeping? …Did you know that at one time in history human beings lived an average of only 35 years? The average Vulcan lifespan was only 40? … [Both] species expend a lot of effort to change those statistics. I guess it’s just natural for people to want to stick around for as long as possible.”

According to Wikipedia, the life expectancy at birth in the bronze age and iron age was 26 years, and in 2010 was 67 years, with some regions of the world around 80 years. But how well do we use the time we have? If life expectancy were only 40 years, what might we do differently? Would we want to spend 16-20 years getting an education for a relatively short career? Would we spend 40+ hours per week in the office trying to earn enough to pay for the big house, second car, dream vacation, retirement, etc.? Would we invest thousands every month in healthcare and insurance, if it can’t significantly extend our lives? 

Those things aren’t necessarily bad if we assume we’re going to live 80 years, but maybe they aren’t the best things. What would you do differently if you knew your time was short? Declutter and simplify your life? Leave work early? Turn off the TV? Spend time with family and friends? Enjoy nature? Make sure you understand the Bible and have a right relationship with God? Share the gospel with those you love? 

If we think we have many years ahead, we get lackadaisical about setting priorities. Things don’t matter very much if there’s always tomorrow. There is a benefit to living with a sense of urgency to accomplish things that really matter in whatever time we’re given. Although the early Adventists were mistaken in setting a date for Christ’s return and they ended up looking foolish (twice!), at least they were willing to take a stand for what they said they believed. If you know the end is near, it is perfectly rational to give away all your possessions, warn people of the coming judgment, and say your goodbyes. 

Jesus urged readiness in His parables in Luke 12, “You also must be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect” (v. 40). He repeated, “Blessed is that servant whom his master will find so doing when he comes” (37, 43). It is in this context that Jesus said, “Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more” (v. 48). How often do we consider that length of life is a gift entrusted to us, that we are to invest and not squander our time? Whether our years are 20, 40, or 80, have we done more than just try to stick around as long as possible and build bigger barns for our stuff? 

With each new day we have a chance to decide what matters most to us and invest accordingly. How many days are left on the calendar for you, for me, for this world? 

“So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom” (Psalm 90:12). 

© 2020 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

The Mundane Middle

I used to think that “midlife crisis” was simply a made-up term, but I’m changing my mind as I find myself there. It may be different for other people, but here are some things I’ve been wrestling with lately. There are no new milestones ahead. We grow up anticipating birthdays, school terms, graduations, marriage, career, etc., but we reach a point where things are settled into a fairly unchanging routine. Those who have children have an extra set of milestones to plan for, but the rest of us do not. There are slight variations in the routine from month to month, but the years ahead look very much like the years just past. And they stretch out like an unending parade into the future.

Routine can be comfortable, but it can also be boring. I can see why people might quit their jobs, buy cars, or do something else to shake things up. The options are more limited for those of us who are committed to a particular ministry, church, or location. There may be new hobbies to try (if you are so inspired) or places to go (if you have money and desire to travel), but what else? You can only read so many books or watch so much TV.

As I was thinking about these things, it occurred to me that there are a lot of time gaps in Scripture. Consider the time Israel spent wandering in the wilderness before entering the Promised Land. We know it was forty years and we know a few of the events during that time, but all the stops of their journey are summarized very briefly in Numbers 33. What occupied their time all the rest of the days? They had forty years of collecting manna six days a week. Forty years of feeding their families and caring for their herds. Forty years of checking to see if the pillar of fire or the cloud was going to move. Forty years of gathering together for worship or for funerals. In short, forty years of routine activities.

There are many other silent periods as well. More than 900 years of Adam’s life. Moses’s years tending sheep. Almost thirty years of the life of Christ. We probably have more detail about the life and travels of the Apostle Paul than anyone else in Scripture. But what were Peter and John doing during that same time? Life is usually pretty routine for most people most of the time.

“So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom” (Psalm 90:12 ESV). Alistair Begg commented on this verse,

“You see, this is not a mathematical request. This is not the psalmist saying, ‘Help me to count.’ You know, ‘Help me to know that Tuesday comes after Monday… and to multiply it by the number of years I’ve lived,’ and so on. No, he’s not saying that. It’s not even an actuarial request. He’s not suggesting here that somehow or another he might be brought to understand and calculate the statistics of survival. No, the key word is ‘aright’… What he is saying, when you read the whole psalm, is this: ‘Teach me to go through my life estimating time in light of eternity.’ ”

It seems in our culture that we measure the value of our lives by our accomplishments. And when there are no major achievements to record, life can feel monotonous and even purposeless. We don’t handle boredom well, and silence is practically unheard of. (No pun intended.) Kids grow up thinking that life will be full of constant entertainment and excitement, and they are unprepared for the realities of a working life. Job-hopping is becoming more common and more frequent, with the average tenure at a job being less than five years.

So what do we do when life becomes mundane? We can start with the prayer from Psalm 90:12, “Teach us to number our days,” asking God to help us evaluate our daily lives from an eternal perspective. It may be that some change is needed if our current priorities don’t align with His. But assuming that is not the case, we can move on to verse 14, “Satisfy us in the morning with Your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.” Perhaps we need to cultivate a heart of gratitude by taking time each day to remember some of the ways God has blessed us. Or maybe we can challenge ourselves and others to dig deeper in God’s Word, to memorize Scripture, and to invest more time in prayer. Setting new goals is one way to press forward and not to settle for the status quo. We can also look for small ways that we can serve and bless others in our church or community. If we’re going to spend eternity relating to God and to those who are members of His Body, we might as well practice that now.

“For a thousand years in Your sight are but as yesterday when it is past, or as a watch in the night… The years of our life are seventy, or even by reason of strength eighty; yet their span is but toil and trouble; they are soon gone as we fly away… Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands upon us; yes, establish the work of our hands!” (Psalm 90:4, 10, 17).

© 2019 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

24 / 6

During our regional Family Camp last week, we had a class discussing Matthew Sleeth’s book 24/6: A Prescription for Healthier, Happier Life, regarding our need for a regular Sabbath rest. It was interesting to hear the different perspectives on the feasibility of resting one day each week. Most of us in the world of employment, whether secular or church, find it hard to stop for a day each week. We spend 40+ hours in the office and the remainder of our time is spent catching up on the chores of home and family. But that was not God’s plan for us.

“The Ten Commandments were not a curse; rather, they gave freedom to those who possessed them. They defined the borders of the Hebrew world. Within those borders there was freedom—freedom under the law. We have a tendency to circumvent the intent of good laws, resulting in more rules being added. Sabbath was meant to protect the worker and to set the stage for a celebration of God. If our day of rest becomes a set of rules, then the celebration and the joy are easily subtracted” (39).

As I was thinking about our modern loss of Sabbath rest, I observed a few things from Scripture, some of which were mentioned in Sleeth’s book. God set the pattern for the Sabbath (Genesis 2:2) and reiterated it in the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:11). He did not rest because He was tired but because He is holy. In the wilderness God sent manna only six days a week (Exodus 16:23-29). God provided for His people so that they could rest on the seventh day. God hasn’t changed. Will He not provide for us as well?

In the New Testament Jesus declared, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath. So the Son of Man is lord even of the Sabbath” (Mark 2:27-28 ESV). Although Jesus ignored the Pharisaical additions to the law, He did not ignore the Sabbath. “As was His custom, He went to the synagogue on the Sabbath day” (Luke 4:16). Even many non-Christians will agree that Jesus was a good person and moral example, and yet those who are called by His name are often quick to ignore His example when it comes to the Sabbath.

But what came to mind and convicted me were a couple Scriptures from the early church:

“And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need” (Acts 2:44-45).

“He who supplies seed to the sower and bread for food will supply and multiply your seed for sowing and increase the harvest of your righteousness. You will be enriched in every way to be generous in every way, which through us will produce thanksgiving to God. For the ministry of this service is not only supplying the needs of the saints but is also overflowing in many thanksgivings to God” (2 Corinthians 9:10-12).

Like most people probably do, I had always thought about these verses in terms of financial support and physical resources, but what if we expand it to include the resource of time? We each have 168 hours in every week, but how we use those hours varies tremendously from person to person. Some are frantically rushing from task to task, while others enjoy a leisurely pace. We may all be familiar with the 90/10 rule in churches and other organizations—that 90% of the work is done by 10% of the people. If Christians are all members of one body and “To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good” (1 Corinthians 12:7ff), then shouldn’t we each be contributing our fair share of time? (Note that I did not say “equally,” because each member is unique.) If I have more flexibility in my time, are there ways I can help someone else who is struggling to keep up? Conversely, if I am falling behind in my commitments, who can I ask for help? What tasks am I doing that I’m not gifted for?

I’ve talked with people who work in their church’s nursery out of a sense of obligation, not joy, and it makes them miserable. I’ve also talked to pastors whose church members get offended if they aren’t present for every life event or if they try to share the load with their deacons or elders. It seems to me that if the Body of Christ were functioning as it is supposed to, we would all be able to take a weekly Sabbath rest. We’ve fallen into the trap of believing that ministry is the job of a few paid people, that what I do outside of the church building is my own business, and that my time is my own to do with as I please. We are all ministers (2 Corinthians 5:18-20). We are to love one another (Romans 12:10-11), serve one another (Galatians 5:13-14), and bear one another’s burdens (Gal. 6:2). We are to be good stewards of the short time God has placed us on this earth, and He’s the one who told us that Sabbath rest is not only good but holy. How can we work together to make that possible for every member of our local body?

“As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace: whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies—in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ” (1 Peter 4:10-11a).

“So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom” (Psalm 90:12).

© 2019 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

It'll Be Okay

I ran across this quote from John Lennon today:

“Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”

Lennon’s views on religion are questionable, but this quote is particularly apropos for Christians. We know this world is broken, and we all suffer in various ways, but one day it will be made right. After Christ returns, those who belong to Him will get to experience the “new heavens and a new earth in which righteousness dwell” (2 Peter 3:13 ESV). But until that day, things are not okay because it’s not the end.

Today’s reading in Daily Light on the Daily Path goes along well with that thought:

“Ye are not as yet come to the rest and to the inheritance, which the Lord your God giveth you. This is not your rest. There remaineth therefore a rest to the people of God. Within the veil; whither the forerunner is for us entered, even Jesus.

“In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also. With Christ; which is far better.

“God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are passed away. There the wicked cease from troubling: and there the weary be at rest.

“Lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven. For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth. (Deut. 12:9,   Mic. 2:10, Heb. 4:9, Heb. 6:19-20, John 14:2-3, Phil. 1:23, Rev. 21:4, Job 3:17, Matt. 6:20-21, Col. 3:2)” -Public domain

As we start a new year, some people may be optimistic about the days ahead, others (like me) may be cynical, and many will be somewhere in between. The older I get, the more I hope that Christ’s return is soon. I’ve never exactly had any “youthful optimism,” and I’m ready for that final day to come. There is nothing about this life that I will miss, because the things I most enjoy here will be even better in eternity.

However, assuming that there is at least another year of life ahead, Peter reminds us that we are to be people of holiness and godliness as we wait (2 Pet. 3:11-12). We should proclaim Jesus Christ as Lord and let our lights shine before men (2 Cor. 4:5-6) as we love and serve one another. We can remind one another and share the good news that for all those who follow Jesus as Lord and Savior there is coming a day when everything will be okay.

“We look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal” (2 Cor. 4:18).

 © 2019 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Family Camp 2018 and Other Thoughts

Last week at Family Camp Pam Buchanan was teaching from two books—One Month to Live, and The Four Things that Matter Most. The discussion centered around Psalm 90:12, “So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom” (ESV). What would you make sure to do or say if you knew you only had a month to live? We often live as if we have unlimited tomorrows. Early in the week I happened to read the following from Liturgy of the Ordinary by Tish Harrison Warren:

“Christians are people who wait. We live in liminal time, in the already and not yet. Christ has come, and he will come again. We dwell in the meantime. We wait. But in my daily life I’ve developed habits of impatience—of speeding ahead, of trying to squeeze more into my cluttered day. How can I live as one who watches and waits for the coming kingdom when I can barely wait for water to boil? …Time is a gift from God, a means of worship. I need the church to remind me of reality: time is not a commodity that I control, manage, or consume” (104, 108).

Our priorities get distorted and we often fail to do the things that matter most—seeking God, mending and tending our relationships with others, and making disciples of all nations (starting at home).

Ron Thomas was the Bible teacher at camp, and part of our discussion was on the relevance of the Church in today’s culture. Once again I stumbled across a couple quotes in Liturgy that directly related. (God does that to me frequently.)

“If we believe that church is merely a voluntary society of people with shared values, then it is entirely optional... Our relationship with God is never less than an intimate relationship with Christ, but it is always more than that. Christians throughout history—Protestants, Catholics, and Orthodox alike—have confessed that it is impossible to have a relationship with Christ outside of a vital relationship with the church, Christ’s body and bride” (118).

“We profoundly need each other. We are immersed in the Christian life together. There is no merely private faith—everything we are and do as individuals affects the church community. Yet many believers of my generation are not sure what the church is for. Some have denigrated the need for it all together. We have produced a me-centered faith that would be foreign to most Christians throughout history... But if Christianity is not only about my individual connection with God, but is instead about God calling, forming, saving, and redeeming a people, then the church can never be relegated to ‘elective’ status... The preservation of our faith and the endurance of the saints is not an individual promise; it is a promise that God will redeem and preserve his church—a people, a community, an organism, an institution—generation after generation, and that even the gates of hell will not prevail against it” (120).

This dovetails nicely with discussions we’ve been having at our church on what the church is and what it means to be a church member. Church membership is about more than having your name on a list somewhere, or showing up for an occasional service. It is a commitment to a group of people who love Christ and desire to encourage, equip, build up, serve, help, and hold one another accountable. We are to be partners in spreading the good news of salvation and teaching new believers how to follow Christ. We are brothers and sisters in Christ with a bond closer than that of blood.

“The eye cannot say to the hand, ‘I have no need of you,’ nor again the head to the feet, ‘I have no need of you’” (1 Cor. 12:21).

© 2018 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com.