Most folks are probably aware of Gary Chapman’s 1992 book, The Five Love Languages and its sequels. He lists five primary ways in which people give and receive expressions of love: 1) words of affirmation, 2) acts of service, 3) gifts, 4) quality time, and 5) physical touch. I ran across a couple articles recently that got me thinking about that again.
The author of the first article had done an informal survey which showed that most people receive or experience love most through quality time, but give mostly through acts of service. I’d say that is true for me as well. But it made me wonder—if most of us want quality time with the people we love, why is it that we don’t actually do that very well or very frequently? The answer, of course, is busyness. We are either too busy, or we think that others are too busy, so we don’t make the effort to find that time together that we desire. And I think that also points to why we offer love through acts of service as well, because at some level we think “Maybe I can’t spend time with that person right now, but I can do something for them. And if I do something for them, maybe it will allow time and opportunity for quality time together.” The other languages of gifts, touch, and words of affirmation seem more fleeting, and therefore less valuable.
That brings me to the second article, David Powlison’s critique of the book. He raises several good points, but perhaps the biggest problem we all deal with is that we can become entirely self-centered in pursuit of what we think we need from others. I can certainly attest to that. When I don’t get the personal interaction I think I need, I can become snarky, suspicious of others, and judgmental. It irritates me when the only conversations I have some days consist almost entirely of “Good morning” and “See you tomorrow.” I forget about endeavoring to love others regardless of whether I feel loved or not. Powlison points out,
“Chapman… exalts the observation that ‘even tax collectors, gentiles, and sinners love those who love them’ (Matt. 5:46f; Luke 6:32ff) into his guiding principle for human relationships… Fallenness not only brings ignorance about how best to love others; it brings a perverse unwillingness and inability to love. It ingrains the perception that our lusts are in fact needs, empty places inside where others have disappointed us… Chapman never deals with the fact that even desires for good things can still be evil desires in God’s analysis of what makes us tick.”
Ouch! How often are our desires sinfully motivated? How often do our words and actions try to manipulate others for our own benefit? Even something good like writing sermons (or blog posts!) can become opportunities to exalt self and to point the finger at those who don’t measure up to our standards.
While it can be helpful to understand human perceptions and desires so that we can communicate love in ways that others will appreciate, our efforts need to be shaped first and foremost by Scripture. Love includes giving sacrificially to those in need, extending hospitality, embracing others, and encouraging the weak and weary. But it also includes confronting sin, saying no to lesser gods, and sometimes disfellowshipping the unrepentant. We are even called to “love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return” (Luke 6:35), knowing that our reward comes not from mankind but from our Father in heaven.
“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:34-35).
© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.
