Look at Me

David Brooks writes in How to Know a Person,

“Apparently we live in a society in which people don’t get to tell their stories. We work and live around people for years without ever knowing their tales. How did it come to be this way? …We don’t start conversations because we’re bad at predicting how much we’ll enjoy them. We underestimate how much others want to talk; we underestimate how much we will learn; we underestimate how quickly other people will want to go deep and get personal. If you give people a little nudge, they will share their life stories with enthusiasm… people are eager, often desperate, to be seen, heard, and understood. And yet we have built a culture, and a set of manners, in which that doesn’t happen.”

We’ve all heard little children demanding, “Look at me! Look at me!” Somewhere along the way we stop may asking for attention, but we never stop needing it. And for many people, an obsession with the screens in front of us leads us to stop offering attention to others. Brooks writes,

“The question everybody is unconsciously asking themselves when they meet you: ‘Am I a person to you? Do you care about me? Am I a priority for you?’”

All too often, even in the church and Christian organizations, it feels like the answer is No. The isolation of the pandemic accelerated our loss of social skills, including non-verbal communication, but this isn’t exactly a new problem. More than once in Scripture God made Himself known to those who felt invisible, such as Joseph, Moses, and Hannah. God spoke to Hagar in the wilderness, leading her to proclaim, “You are a God of seeing… Truly here I have seen Him who looks after me” (Gen. 16:13). Jesus spoke to the Samaritan woman at the well, and she told her neighbors, “Come, see a man who told me all that I ever did” (John 4:29). In the book of Acts, Peter and John saw a lame man and Peter said, “Look at us,” and then proceeded to heal the man. Truly seeing the man and his need resulted in a gift far greater than merely giving him alms.

The book of Proverbs has much to say about friendship and our words, such as:

• “A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends” (16:28).
• “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (17:17).
• “He who loves purity of heart, and whose speech is gracious, will have the king as his friend” (22:11).
• “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy” (27:6).
• “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest council” (27:9).

Brooks notes that many people think they are better conversationalists than they really are. And many more feel inadequate in conversation. While we can learn from books and blogs, perhaps the best teacher is experience. If we are more intentional in engaging in conversations and asking questions, we can learn a lot from one another.

May we be those who seek to let others know that they are seen and heard, and that they are loved by God and by us.

“Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body” (Prov. 16:24).

Related resources:

Gavin Ortlund teaching on good listening

Russell Moore interviews David Brooks

Russell Moore and Andy Crouch on tech obsession

© 2024 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Words of Caution

Reading through the one-chapter book of Obadiah recently, I was struck by this verse: “Do not gloat over the day of your brother in the day of his misfortune; do not rejoice over the people of Judah in the day of their ruin; do not boast in the day of distress” (v. 12). Edom was facing judgment for their sin, which included standing by and watching Judah be destroyed and delighting in their downfall.

Though that specific context may seem remote for us, we can all think of examples of people or groups gloating over the downfall of others. New phrases have been coined to describe “cancel culture” and “social media shaming.” Sadly, such behaviors infect the church as well:

• The political opponent said something wrong? “Why would anyone vote for him?”
• The promiscuous celebrity gets a terminal illness? “They had it coming.”
• The liberal denomination fractures? “It serves them right.”
• The pastor you disagreed with has run into trouble at another church? “It’s about time.”

We’re all guilty to one degree or another, because we’re all infected with sin. We may not say or do anything publicly, but we have all had those thoughts of “I know I’m right and they are just plain wrong. They deserve to be brought down a peg.”

Jesus said in Matthew 12:36, “I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak [or type].” Why does it matter? “For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil” (12:34b-35). Our words reveal our hearts, and yet many of us don’t realize how dark our hearts can be.

Consider just a few verses from the book of Proverbs:

• “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent” (10:19).
• “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (12:28).
• “The thoughts of the wicked are an abomination to the Lord, but gracious words are pure” (15:26).
• “Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body” (16:24).
• “Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding” (17:27).
• “Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him” (29:20).

Our words can reveal if we are wise or foolish, loving or vengeful, humble or arrogant. Social media has made it far too easy for us to speak without thinking—jumping on the bandwagon of whoever we agree with and degrading those who disagree, regardless of what that may say to the watching world. Are we being lights in a dark world, or are we adding to the darkness by cutting down anyone who doesn’t agree with us on everything? People may stop listening long before we ever talk about Jesus if all they see in our lives is judgmentalism and condemnation. “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:1-3).

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth” (1 Cor. 13:4-6).

© 2021 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Insert Foot

The Christian news lately seems full of examples of questionable comments made by big-name pastors and leaders. (Here’s just one example.) Whether you agree with their theology or not, I have a problem with the forum and manner in which such comments have been made. In the pastoral epistles, Paul gave several instructions regarding the conduct of pastors/elders, deacons, and other leaders. Here are just a few:

• “The aim of our charge is love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith” (1 Timothy 1:5 ESV).
• “I desire then that in every place the men should pray, lifting holy hands without anger or quarreling” (1 Tim. 2:8).
• “Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wide, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach… Moreover, he must be well thought of by outsiders, so that he may not fall into disgrace” (2 Tim. 3:2, 7a).
• “Set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity” (1 Tim. 4:12b).
• “Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, young women as sisters, in all purity” (1 Tim. 5:1).
• “And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness” (2 Tim. 2:24-25a).
• “Remind them… to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people” (Titus 3:1-2).

Although we all make mistakes, those in the news lately have repeatedly failed to treat other Christians with courtesy and respect, and have offered no apologies. Those who are in the public eye should realize that every word they say will be scrutinized, but every Christian should be “quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:19b-20).

What does it say to Christians when leaders publicly attack other Christians? 

I have no respect for you or your position… You aren’t worthy of respect… You are not my sister or brother in Christ… I don’t love you and I refuse to have a civil dialogue with you… You have no value in God’s kingdom…

What does it communicate to non-Christians? 

God may love you, but look out for everyone else… 

Why would someone want to align themselves with Christianity when the leaders who are thought to represent us are more interested in bickering over non-essentials and joking around in the “good ol’ boys” club?

Thankfully, there are a lot more Christians who are loving, kind, and gentle in their words and actions. They just aren’t the ones who make the news on a regular basis. My theology has been shaped—and even changed—by people who lovingly dialogue with me, but those who are harsh in their language only strengthen my resolve to disagree.

Gentleness and humility are perhaps the most ignored traits that Christians are supposed to exhibit. We’re far more adept at pride, dissension, and judgmental attitudes. The Apostle Paul reminded the believers in Ephesus:

“I urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the body of peace” (Ephesians 4:1-2).

If we would all heed that instruction, imagine what it would do to our witness to a broken and hurting world. It might not make the news, but such love would draw people in like never before.

   

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly… A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit” (Proverbs 15:1-2, 4).

© 2019 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Watch Your Mouth

I observed something the other day about the way people tend to interact with one another. Since then I’ve come to see that it’s much more widespread than I had originally thought, and I’m as guilty as anyone else. What I observed is that people often don’t say what they are really thinking if there’s any chance it will create conflict. However, many of those same people will then tell someone else about it in the form of a complaint. It may be something like,

• “Yes, I’d be glad to keep the nursery today…” “Why am I always stuck with the nursery?!”
• “I’ll do whatever I can to help…” “This sure is a dumb plan!”

Such superficial agreement, while intended as a peacekeeping measure, often becomes a front for grumbling and gossip. How many marriages have been broken when wives are outwardly compliant but inwardly resentful? Certainly there are times when we have to do things we’d rather not do, and times that we need to keep our opinions to ourselves, but if we’re doing it simply to avoid having a real conversation we’ve got a bigger problem. Jesus reminded His listeners, “Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil” (Matthew 5:37 ESV; see also James 5:12).

Sharon Hodde Miller commented in “Why Niceness Weakens Our Witness,”

“Niceness is concerned with the appearance of goodness and not the reality of it. It gives the facade of serving others but exists primarily to serve ourselves. In the end, niceness only makes us into ‘whitewashed tombs’ (Matt. 23:27)—pristine on the outside but empty within.”

Niceness keeps us from telling others the truth, confronting sin, or proclaiming the gospel to a lost and dying world. Miller refers to this as idolatry. It could also be called the fear of man. Somehow we’ve equated our Christian witness with always telling people what they want to hear. Elliot Clark wrote,

“For some time now, American Christians have conceived of their witness in terms of ‘sharing the gospel’… However, if by ‘sharing’ we imply a kind of charity where we only give the gospel to willing recipients, then our Christian vernacular has become a problem… Throughout the Book of Acts, we find repeated examples of authoritative witness—even in the face of suffering—from the apostles and early church. We find them proclaiming the gospel and speaking boldly.”

Although the Apostle Paul wrote that we are to be “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15), it seems like most of us prefer “veiling the truth for love.” We choose not to say something even when we know we should, just because it is easier to keep silent. There are plenty of biblical examples of people who had to say things they would rather not. In 2 Samuel 7, Nathan had to tell King David that he couldn’t build the Temple. If he had kept his mouth shut, David would have disobeyed God’s command. Then in chapter 12 Nathan had to confront David for his sin with Bathsheba. I’m sure that he did so with great trepidation. Jonah used all his ingenuity to try to avoid telling Ninevah that judgment was coming, and he suffered greatly for his choices. Peter and John had the option of keeping silent about Jesus as they had been commanded, but their response was “Whether it is right in the sight of God to listen to you rather than to God, you must judge, for we cannot but speak of what we have seen and heard” (Acts 4:19-20).

It may be that you’ve been reminded of times when your words haven’t agreed with your thoughts and beliefs. I know I have. We should ask ourselves why that is the case. Was it truly out of love or was it some form of niceness to avoid ruffling any feathers? Was it displaying God’s image or preserving our own image? Was it intended to build up the Body of Christ and promote peace with God, or to maintain a superficial peace among men?

“Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members of one another” (Ephesians 4:25).

For our appeal does not spring from error or impurity or any attempt to deceive, but just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not to please man, but to please God who tests our hearts” (1 Thessalonians 2:3-4).

© 2019 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Speak No Evil

A couple items I’ve encountered recently have focused my attention on how we use social media. The first was this cautionary article by Thom Rainer: http://thomrainer.com/2014/08/04/seven-warnings-church-leaders-use-social-media/ and the second was last Sunday’s sermon on church unity from 1 Corinthians 1:10-17. It’s made me reconsider some of the things I see on Facebook and particularly whether I should respond to someone else’s post or not. Here are some of the difficulties that I see:

Christians are by no means united in their beliefs, not just about basic theology, but about politics and all kinds of social issues. Is Facebook the best place to “discuss” such issues, by which I mean, is it the best place to state your personal opinion on a controversial issue and seek popular approval?

In addition, non-Christians (and many Christians) often don’t have a solid grasp of the differences between churches, denominations, parachurch organizations, or heretical teachers. As a result, a wide variety of people get lumped together. For some Franklin Graham may appear to be in the same boat with Creflo Dollar. Whether you agree with a nationally known person or not, taking sides either way may give false impressions to those who don’t understand the differences. A brief comment on social media is not adequate to clarify the underlying issues.

It’s tempting at times to share some celebrity’s public comment and criticize them for being too judgmental, but it appears to me that doing so only increases the judgmentalism being passed around. For example, you may not like their stance on homosexuality, but is it necessary to be publicly critical of them in order to state your own opinion? Jesus said, “By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35 ESV). Is it a good witness to publicly criticize fellow believers whether you agree with them or not?

Paul wrote:

• “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person” (Colossians 4:6).
• “Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity” (1 Timothy 4:12).
• “‘All things are lawful,’ but not all things are helpful. ‘All things are lawful,’ but not all things build up. Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor” (1 Corinthians 10:23-24).

The book of Proverbs is also full of wisdom about how we should use our words. I’m sure I’m not the only one who is disturbed by the frequency with which we publicly tear people down rather than building them up and seeking their good. This isn’t anything new, but social media has made it a lot more visible to a lot more people. But on the plus side, we also have a lot more opportunities to encourage one another, pray for one another, share the Good News, and spur one another on to love and good deeds.

I would suggest that believers should endeavor to maximize the benefits of social media rather than contributing to the divisive issues that are becoming our “trademark” in the world. May the world say of us, “See how they love one another!”