Soft Hearts

As often happens to me, multiple information streams have converged on a unified theme this week, so this is kind of a compilation of those inputs and an extension of what I wrote last week. I was sharing this quote from C.S. Lewis with a friend:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable” (The Four Loves).

While I was typing that, this passage from Ezekiel came to mind:

“And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh, that they may walk in My statutes and keep My rules and obey them. And they shall be My people, and I will be their God” (Ezek. 11:19-20).

So my immediate thought was that the goal of the Christian life is to have increasingly soft hearts, which means we are increasingly vulnerable, not impenetrable. Jesus fleshed this out (literally and metaphorically) to say that the heart of flesh that results in obedience is revealed by our love:

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind... You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets” (Matt. 22:37-40). “By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35).

And while I was pondering that, I listened to the latest sermon podcast from Immanuel Nashville, where Sam Allberry was preaching on Romans 15:7: “Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God.” He commented:

“What makes the church different isn’t that we’re committed to meeting together—lots of people are committed to meeting together. What is meant to be different is that there’s meant to be a uniqueness to the way we are with each other—for the glory of God... The word Paul is using for ‘welcome’ in the original text is a strong word. Other translations translate ‘Accept one another as Christ has accepted you.’ But ‘acceptance’ sounds like merely tolerating. We’re not to tolerate each other, because Christ hasn’t merely tolerated us. He’s welcomed us. So the kind of welcome Paul is speaking of here is a welcome of deep belonging, because Christ, through His death on the cross for us, has pulled us deep into His heart. That is what it means for Him to welcome us.”

He went on to illustrate what that looks like from various “one another” passages in the New Testament. I think many churches have settled for a rather anemic view of community and fellowship. I’ve heard somewhere that most churches think they are more welcoming of newcomers than they really are. And even people who have been in the church for years may not really be known by the people in the next pew. As Allberry noted, these days everyone needs encouragement, yet we assume that everyone else is fine because we never get close enough to find out. Are we truly welcoming people into the depths of our hearts, or are we just meeting together once or twice a week?

“And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near” (Heb. 10:24-25).

***

Related resource:

This was a thought-provoking article on the difficulty of finding community:

https://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2024/july-august/confessions-loner-community-loneliness.html

© 2024 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Look at Me

David Brooks writes in How to Know a Person,

“Apparently we live in a society in which people don’t get to tell their stories. We work and live around people for years without ever knowing their tales. How did it come to be this way? …We don’t start conversations because we’re bad at predicting how much we’ll enjoy them. We underestimate how much others want to talk; we underestimate how much we will learn; we underestimate how quickly other people will want to go deep and get personal. If you give people a little nudge, they will share their life stories with enthusiasm… people are eager, often desperate, to be seen, heard, and understood. And yet we have built a culture, and a set of manners, in which that doesn’t happen.”

We’ve all heard little children demanding, “Look at me! Look at me!” Somewhere along the way we stop may asking for attention, but we never stop needing it. And for many people, an obsession with the screens in front of us leads us to stop offering attention to others. Brooks writes,

“The question everybody is unconsciously asking themselves when they meet you: ‘Am I a person to you? Do you care about me? Am I a priority for you?’”

All too often, even in the church and Christian organizations, it feels like the answer is No. The isolation of the pandemic accelerated our loss of social skills, including non-verbal communication, but this isn’t exactly a new problem. More than once in Scripture God made Himself known to those who felt invisible, such as Joseph, Moses, and Hannah. God spoke to Hagar in the wilderness, leading her to proclaim, “You are a God of seeing… Truly here I have seen Him who looks after me” (Gen. 16:13). Jesus spoke to the Samaritan woman at the well, and she told her neighbors, “Come, see a man who told me all that I ever did” (John 4:29). In the book of Acts, Peter and John saw a lame man and Peter said, “Look at us,” and then proceeded to heal the man. Truly seeing the man and his need resulted in a gift far greater than merely giving him alms.

The book of Proverbs has much to say about friendship and our words, such as:

• “A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends” (16:28).
• “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (17:17).
• “He who loves purity of heart, and whose speech is gracious, will have the king as his friend” (22:11).
• “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy” (27:6).
• “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest council” (27:9).

Brooks notes that many people think they are better conversationalists than they really are. And many more feel inadequate in conversation. While we can learn from books and blogs, perhaps the best teacher is experience. If we are more intentional in engaging in conversations and asking questions, we can learn a lot from one another.

May we be those who seek to let others know that they are seen and heard, and that they are loved by God and by us.

“Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body” (Prov. 16:24).

Related resources:

Gavin Ortlund teaching on good listening

Russell Moore interviews David Brooks

Russell Moore and Andy Crouch on tech obsession

© 2024 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

It All Adds Up

I keep a list of possible topics for my blog though I don’t often go back and use them. However, one caught my eye today— “Relationships are our greatest asset.” I think we can all agree that there are few blessings in life that are quite as valuable as our close relationships with friends and family. But from an accounting perspective, our greatest assets are also our greatest liabilities. Nothing hurts nearly as much as broken or wounded relationships. It’s also true that every relationship is unique. So when one relationship is hurt, although others can help to compensate for the loss, they never really replace the damaged one.

To toss in another accounting idea, we often forget about the return on investment for relationships. Close relationships require a significant investment of time and energy, especially at the beginning. Once that investment has been made then there is greater benefit experienced, and even small amounts of time with those we love are more valuable than longer periods with those we don’t yet know well. Oftentimes in the church it seems like we are unwilling to make the initial investment in relationships, so we never get the full benefit from our brothers and sisters in Christ that we could.

We also need to remember that all relationships require an ongoing investment of time. You can’t stop paying your insurance premiums and expect to keep the same level of benefit forever, and you can’t stop talking to your friends and expect the relationships to remain intact.

In a recent XPastor webinar, Warren Bird commented that “Trust is built in drops, but lost in buckets.” Although he was talking about organizational leadership, the same applies to individuals. We build trust in relationships slowly, but it can be lost very quickly by careless words, disagreements, and other challenges. When those buckets fall, it takes a new investment to rebuild what has been lost.

When it comes to relationships, I tend think of Job. It’s often been said that his friends did a good job before they started talking.

“Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this… they raised their voices and wept... and they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great” (2:11,13).

But once they started speculating on the reasons for his suffering, Job said,

“My relatives have failed me, my close friends have forgotten me… Have mercy on me, have mercy on me, O you my friends, for the hand of God has touched me!” (19:14, 21).

Having been through a variety of pains in relationships lately, it’s tempting to just quit on people. It’s hard to keep expending effort on those who never seem to respond. (I suppose many of those who are parents feel the same way.) Current culture tends to favor looking out for yourself and giving up on difficult relationships. But for Christians, since we’re commanded to love even our enemies (Matt. 5:44), pulling away from our Christian brothers and sisters is usually not an option. The only exception given in Scripture is for those who claim to be Christians but are living in ongoing, unrepentant sin (1 Cor. 5:11). It is far too easy in our “pick-a-church” culture to walk away when things get hard rather than enduring with one another and working through the hard times together. We are called to a higher standard of loving others as God loved us (1 John 4:9-11). May we all make the effort to do so!

“Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection... Live in harmony with one another... If possible so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Rom. 12:9-10, 16, 18).

© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Friends in Hard Times

I wrote the following for my denomination’s women’s ministry email for June.

When I was growing up, due to frequent relocations (8 schools in 12 years) I was always the new kid on the block. That, along with being extremely shy, meant that I rarely had more than one person I would consider a close friend. I never went to a church that had a youth group, and I probably wouldn’t have attended if they did. Then I went off to a Christian college that had about 2000 students. Once I adjusted to dorm life, I discovered a whole new world of Christian friendships. I realize now what a blessing it was to have a close community of people to live, learn, and worship with every day. Even though I went through some difficult struggles during those years, including major depression that caused me to lose my job as a resident assistant my junior year, I knew there were people just down the hall who cared about me and were looking out for me.

Fast forward to 1997 and moving to Charlotte, living alone, a new job, and a new church. There have been many times over the years that I’ve felt isolated and lonely. Then along came the pandemic, a pastoral transition at my church, even more isolation and an extended season of depression, and the opportunities for close friendships often seem few and far between.

May was Mental Health Awareness month, and I’ve been listening to some podcasts on mental illness from Christian sources. One series in particular, “Things You Won’t Hear on Sunday,” has been an encouraging reminder that other Christians struggle with these issues too. In one episode they mention a person who came over and lay down on the floor beside his severely depressed friend and kept speaking words of hope to him. That is a beautiful picture of the Body of Christ at its best—coming alongside, stooping low, lifting up those who are wounded, weary, and weak. I know when I’m burdened with clinical depression I don’t have the energy or willpower even to think of who I could call to come over, much less the desire to actually pick up the phone and do it. That’s when I wonder whether the church knows what it means to be one Body in Christ (Eph. 4:4), loving one another (1 Jn. 4:7), and weeping with those who weep (Rom. 12:15).

All too often we’ve allowed culture to influence our choices. A “friend” is now someone who has your social media contact info. Remote work is seen as a “necessity” because it is more efficient and productive. “Faith” is between you and God and the church is irrelevant. Really? Last I checked, Jesus reaffirmed that the first two commandments were to love God and to love others (Luke 10:27-28). As an email from Women of Joy commented, “loving others is pretty difficult when you’re not around others.” It’s impossible to fulfill all the “one another” commands in isolation.

There is a lot of stigma surrounding mental illness. Many of us work hard to hide our struggles out of fear of being rejected, judged for our “weakness” and “lack of faith,” and shame because it seems like no one else has this difficulty. Just because someone can make it to work and smile at people doesn’t mean they aren’t dealing with serious depression, anxiety, or other issues. It can be hard to know who is struggling if you don’t take the time to build deep friendships first. I would challenge everyone to look around and see who might be feeling extra weary and burdened, and do whatever you can to come alongside them. Those who most need encouragement and support may be unable or afraid to ask for it.

© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Look Up

When Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment is, He did not say, “Love God and love the people who live in your house.” Nor did He say, “Love God, complete this to-do list, and then if there’s time left over love the people around you.” Instead, He said:

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets” (Matt. 22:37-40).

Most of us in the church understand that we’re supposed to love God first and foremost (though we may not know how to do that very well). But I think many get their priorities confused when it comes to the second commandment of loving others. In our modern American culture, we place a lot of value on the individual and then on the nuclear family. Other cultures and eras would find this totally bizarre, because they focus on the needs of the community first. We also tend to prioritize productivity over people. I’ve seen this happen even in churches and ministries, where accomplishing a task or mission consumes everyone’s attention while people are left to struggle and suffer alone.

In Romans 1 the Apostle Paul wrote, “I long to see you, that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to strengthen you—that is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith, both yours and mine” (11-12). He wrote to the Thessalonians, “So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us... For you know how, like a father with his children, we exhorted each one of you and encouraged you and charged you to walk in a manner worthy of God, who calls you into His own kingdom and glory” (1 Thess. 2:8, 11-12). Paul exemplified loving God and loving others wholeheartedly.

There seems to be a mindset that says church is what we do on Sunday mornings and maybe Wednesday nights, and the rest of the time you’re on your own. But I don’t see that reflected in Scripture, where the Church is described as the Body of Christ (1 Cor. 12:27) and brothers and sisters in Christ (Mark 3:33-35), nor is that individualism illustrated in the description of the early fellowship in Acts 2:42-47.

We don’t have to live in a commune to invest in the lives of those around us, but we do need to look up from our phones and laptops and to-do lists, and actually (and frequently) interact with one another in person. Screens are not sufficient for the purpose. Mark Mayfield commented in the introduction to his book The Path Out of Loneliness:

“We are relational beings who need eye-to-eye, face-to-face contact and proximity on a regular basis. As a society, we are operating out of significant deficits... [Many have] questioned when [was] the last time you were truly seen as a person, loved for who you are, and valued as a unique human soul.”

The more our technology draws us in, the more often we need to be reminded to look up and see one another for who God has made us to be and how He has created us to be interdependent.

“This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you” (John 15:12).

© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

How Do I Love Thee?

Most folks are probably aware of Gary Chapman’s 1992 book, The Five Love Languages and its sequels. He lists five primary ways in which people give and receive expressions of love: 1) words of affirmation, 2) acts of service, 3) gifts, 4) quality time, and 5) physical touch. I ran across a couple articles recently that got me thinking about that again.

The author of the first article had done an informal survey which showed that most people receive or experience love most through quality time, but give mostly through acts of service. I’d say that is true for me as well. But it made me wonder—if most of us want quality time with the people we love, why is it that we don’t actually do that very well or very frequently? The answer, of course, is busyness. We are either too busy, or we think that others are too busy, so we don’t make the effort to find that time together that we desire. And I think that also points to why we offer love through acts of service as well, because at some level we think “Maybe I can’t spend time with that person right now, but I can do something for them. And if I do something for them, maybe it will allow time and opportunity for quality time together.” The other languages of gifts, touch, and words of affirmation seem more fleeting, and therefore less valuable.

That brings me to the second article, David Powlison’s critique of the book. He raises several good points, but perhaps the biggest problem we all deal with is that we can become entirely self-centered in pursuit of what we think we need from others. I can certainly attest to that. When I don’t get the personal interaction I think I need, I can become snarky, suspicious of others, and judgmental. It irritates me when the only conversations I have some days consist almost entirely of “Good morning” and “See you tomorrow.” I forget about endeavoring to love others regardless of whether I feel loved or not. Powlison points out,

“Chapman… exalts the observation that ‘even tax collectors, gentiles, and sinners love those who love them’ (Matt. 5:46f; Luke 6:32ff) into his guiding principle for human relationships… Fallenness not only brings ignorance about how best to love others; it brings a perverse unwillingness and inability to love. It ingrains the perception that our lusts are in fact needs, empty places inside where others have disappointed us… Chapman never deals with the fact that even desires for good things can still be evil desires in God’s analysis of what makes us tick.”

Ouch! How often are our desires sinfully motivated? How often do our words and actions try to manipulate others for our own benefit? Even something good like writing sermons (or blog posts!) can become opportunities to exalt self and to point the finger at those who don’t measure up to our standards.

While it can be helpful to understand human perceptions and desires so that we can communicate love in ways that others will appreciate, our efforts need to be shaped first and foremost by Scripture. Love includes giving sacrificially to those in need, extending hospitality, embracing others, and encouraging the weak and weary. But it also includes confronting sin, saying no to lesser gods, and sometimes disfellowshipping the unrepentant. We are even called to “love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return” (Luke 6:35), knowing that our reward comes not from mankind but from our Father in heaven.

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:34-35).

© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

What’s Love Got to Do With It?

It is not uncommon these days to hear calls for tolerance and acceptance that say, in essence, “If you love me, you’ll let me do whatever makes me happy.” Although this isn’t a new idea, the voices are much louder than they used to be. Often this comes from a misconception of the biblical idea that “God is love.” C.S. Lewis wrote in The Problem of Pain:

“By the goodness of God we mean nowadays almost exclusively His lovingness… And by Love, in this context, most of us mean kindness… What would really satisfy us would be a God who said of anything we happened to like doing, ‘What does it matter so long as they are contented?’ …whose plan for the universe was simply that it might be truly said at the end of each day, ‘a good time was had by all’ …I should very much like to live in a universe which was governed on such lines. But since it is abundantly clear that I don’t, and since I have reason to believe, nevertheless, that God is Love, I conclude that my conception of love needs correction… If God is Love, He is, by definition, something more than mere kindness. And it appears, from all the records, that though He has often rebuked us and condemned us, He has never regarded us with contempt” (35-37).

David Powlison wrote something similar in Good and Angry:

“[God’s] mercy is not niceness. His mercy is not blanket acceptance of any and all. Mercy to us costs him—the blood of the Lamb. And mercy comes to us at the cost of our sins and pride. His kindness is an open invitation to turn to him in repentance and faith, to come to him in our need for mercies freely offered, and our trust in mercies freely given” (as quoted in Take Heart, Jan. 13).

God’s love is not benign approval of whatever we may love and enjoy. His perfect love means He puts divine boundaries on what is acceptable, because He knows what is best for us. We, in our sinful nature, often choose what is less than best—what is convenient, comfortable, and even corrupt. It is for this reason that we have His written Word to guide us, to help us understand what has been true from eternity, as opposed to what may appear true in our culture today.

The Apostle John wrote, “Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent His only Son into the world, so that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins” (1 John 4:8-10).

God didn’t create the world so He could just smile down on whatever His creation wanted to do. He created us to be brought into relationship with Him. Because of our sin that relationship was broken, and so God sent Jesus to pay our debts, redeem us from sin, and make us right with God again. God’s love for us meant that He gave the ultimate sacrifice, not to simply make us happy, but to make us more like Himself, in the perfect righteousness that we’ll experience for eternity if we follow Him as Lord in this life.

So when we look to God’s model of love to guide us, we don’t choose indiscriminate niceness and acceptance of anything and everything our culture comes up with. It doesn’t matter whether the demand is from a child asking for unlimited cookies, or an adult wanting unlimited sex, or anything in between. In love, we should recognize that many things are off limits if we truly want what is best for one another. And we need to look at it from an eternal perspective—will today’s choices lead to ‘fullness of joy and pleasures forevermore at God’s right hand’ (Psalm 16:11), or will they lead to “weeping and gnashing of teeth” (Matt. 13:42 & 50)? True love should make us do all that we can to point people to eternal life, not eternal death.

“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life” (John 3:16).

 

© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Out of the Depths

As I write this, I’m in an emotional pit created by a combination of sleepless nights, chronic depression, seasonal depression, and situational depression. In the midst of this, I started reading Embodied Hope: A Theological Meditation on Pain and Suffering, by Kelly Kapic. Although he writes from the perspective of those dealing with physical suffering, much of what he says can be applied to almost any situation. From the back cover, “Too often the Christian attitude toward suffering is characterized by a detached academic appeal to God’s sovereignty, as if suffering were a game or a math problem.” I would describe the book as an appeal to Christians to comfort those who mourn, not with theological treatises or vague platitudes, but by coming alongside the sufferer and entering into their pain. Following are some quotes:

“Even if we had in hand a theodicy [theology reconciling God’s goodness and our pain] that made sense, such dispassionate philosophical explanations leave us empty when we walk in the fire and ashes of genuine suffering. While there is a time to carefully dissect these philosophical problems, that time is not normally with those who are suffering” (ch. 2).

“Claims to provide the reason for a specific experience of suffering abound: divine discipline, for the purpose of church renewal, to bring a watching nurse or neighbor to salvation, or to foster personal humility. Unfortunately, all these claims are made without the true knowledge of exactly why something is happening. Even if these suggestions contain an element of truth, we are not in a position to unpack the mind of God regarding such mysteries… Such explanations assume that some good outcome can nullify or justify the pain, but this is not so. A tragedy is still a tragedy; pain is still pain, even if some insight is gained in the process” (ch. 2).

“Each person is coming from a different circumstance, with specific challenges and needs, with individual strengths and temptations. Part of loving well is figuring out what response is needed and appropriate in a given circumstance (see Jude 22-23). This is where theological instincts and pastoral wisdom come together. To be pastoral does not mean earning money for working in a church… Pastoral in this sense refers to the ability to give wise counsel, to know how to love well, provide necessary guidance, and in the end to help a fellow believer flourish under God’s grace and love” (ch. 2).

Even as our hearts can be prone to question, filled with dread and doubt, let us take confidence that our God personally understands us, not hypothetically but concretely in Christ. Jesus wept tears, for in and through his incarnate life he had fully entered into the drama of fallen human experience. His ache and struggle give new meaning to our tears and suffering: God cares about our sin and distress so much that he enters into it himself” (ch. 7).

“Living within this story means that we strengthen our weakened sisters and brothers by drawing them to and reminding them of the word, presence, and action of the triune God, becoming avenues of God’s grace and mercy… The Christian life requires not an individual but a people—the people of God. Only together can we believe, hope, and love amid our struggles” (ch. 9).

“Amid such difficult seasons of life, [Martin] Luther understood that the fog of doubt often obscures the believer’s vision: accordingly, the taunts of hell often grow louder during those periods. He recognized this because he lived it himself… He wrote, ‘I almost lost Christ in the waves and blasts of despair and blasphemy against God, but God was moved by the prayers of saints and began to take pity on me and rescued my soul from the lowest hell.’ Luther knew that in times of physical and emotional distress saints often struggle to believe and are afflicted with confused images of God and his work in the world. During such seasons the Christian leans heavily on the faith and prayers of other saints, for by them one is sustained or even ‘rescued’” (ch. 9).

“[Martin Lloyd-Jones and others] counseled their followers to preach to themselves and embrace the good news of Jesus and his kingdom. Still, the weakness of this prescription, taken by itself, is that it is overly individualistic, ignoring our nature as members of a larger body, and thus also inherently unstable when isolated. Lloyd-Jones’s assertion that ‘the main art in the matter of spiritual living is to know how to handle yourself’ ignores the problem that we don’t always know how to handle ourselves, nor can we be trusted to handle ourselves. We need others” (ch. 10).

“Each case has its own distinct shape and needs its own response. But each of them brings its own real trauma. Each person will deal with it differently: some in silence, some in outbursts of rage, some with an athletic commitment to beat the grief, some with a sense of shame, and still others trying to discover a stoic detachment. What those who are trying to help do not always appreciate is that there is real power in simply walking with another person through that particular experience, bearing witness to the real challenges” (ch. 11).

“Witnessing one another’s pain also offers us the ability to find rest… When a friend shares my outrage I am actually quieted; I am allowed to rest, for someone else has taken up the concern. But if their response is ‘That is no big deal,’ and I am sure it actually is a big deal, then my irritation and frustrations grow rather than diminish. What I need is not for someone to tell me everything is okay; I need them to acknowledge that something is wrong—that I am not insane, but a real problem is at hand… The witness doesn’t actually make the pain go away, doesn’t actually fix everything, but I no longer feel isolated” (ch. 11).

“Christians with similar pains may have good things to say to their fellow sufferers. However, often what ends up happening is one person’s suffering trumps another’s, undermining the loss instead of offering true comfort… Why did such well-meaning offerings trigger in me a nasty train of thought? They were only trying to help… What I discovered was that suffering isn’t a contest, and comparing can often leave one person feeling guilty and the other bitter… However, even in our very similar circumstances, we must carry our sufferings to Christ” (ch. 11).

***

At various times I’ve experienced people theologizing, minimizing, avoiding, or giving the “Everything’s gonna be alright” speech. Those are the people I generally want to avoid. I’ve also experienced those who pray for me, ask genuine questions about my wellbeing, and quietly point to God’s loving care even while I express my doubts and fears. They may not be able to fully enter into the valley with me, but they aren’t just shouting at me from the mountaintop. As Kapic concludes chapter 10:

“May we, as the people of God, care for one another in love. May we truly be the body of Christ. May we confess our sins to one another, offering honesty, grace, and transformed lives. Let us love one another in grace and truth. We are sinners. We are under the cross. Here is our hope. May it be so.”

***

Listen to I Will Wait for You (Psalm 130) by Keith and Kristyn Getty.

© 2022 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV. Book cover courtesy of Amazon.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Mental Health and the Church

I recently Not Quite Fine: Mental Health, Faith, and Showing Up for One Another, by Carlene Hill Byron, and following are several quotes worth considering:

22- Our conversation in the United states today suggests that we are living through a growing mental health crisis. But what if the crisis is less about our health and more about how we think about it? What if we’ve so dramatically changed our expectations about mental health that most of us can’t meet the new norm?

26- We understand that to be “mentally ill” is to vary from some standard of mental health. Easy enough. But what is an appropriate standard of mental health? …Ordinary is always whatever is expected or allowable in a given time or place. That means that changing cultural norms can redefine what was once normal as mental illness.

54- People with mental health problems seek help among the faithful for several reasons:

We hope someone can convince us that our suffering has meaning.

We want assurance that our difficult lives have purpose.

We want to experience ourselves as persons who have value—persons who have been assigned an importance that often feels intangible by a God we cannot see, and who desperately crave recognition as valued individuals within the physically present body of Christ.

We are looking for a place where we can belong, even when our mental health problems make us prickly and painful to be with.

We are, with all the faithful, looking for “confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see” (Hebrews 11:1).

89- Mental health problems also tend to isolate people. Many of us, including those with mental health diagnoses, are more likely to draw inward than reach out in our most difficult moments. Stanley Hauerwas writes, “The dangerous thing about mental illness is how it tempts those so afflicted to think they are completely on their own, isolated in their distress.” But we are also likely to be, in fact, more alone than many others.

98- People who can suffer silently and invisibly are welcome in any congregation… We’re even more happy to honor pain once it has been healed. Those of us whose long-lasting suffering limits our lives often have a different experience, in church as elsewhere. This is unfortunate, because when the body behaves as it is designed and called to function, our mental health problems can diminish to some degree. When people feel loved, cared for, and safe, our mental health symptoms may become less challenging. Sometimes the symptoms diminish. Sometimes they are just less overwhelming when we live in a warm community of people who care.

99- When we select as “high potential” members only those who could help quickly multiply the congregation, we risk filling the community with what pediatric epidemiologist W. Thomas Boyce describes as “dandelions”—the kind of people who, like the bright summer flower, do all right under almost any conditions. But we’re likely to miss what he calls “orchid” people—those whose lives are marked by extremely high potential for both outstanding contributions and catastrophic failure because of their extreme reactivity to their surroundings.

100- William Nash said that the people who are most likely to overcome mental health challenges are those who found relationships where “somebody listened to them, really listened… without becoming disgusted, without judging,” and still loved them. For the sufferer to experience that love as genuine, Nash said, “it can’t really be a helping professional like me who’s paid to come in and give you 50 minutes of an hour.” The love that heals is not for sale.

108- When we let ourselves define others by their difficulties, as if these are immutable, we excise God and ourselves from the transforming work God empowers people to do.

123- The quietness and rest that people with mental health problems need is also something we all need… Most of us require more stillness than our cultures are generally willing to give. For us to live according to the pace and drive of contemporary Western culture is for us to burn through our neural circuitry in ways that lead to disruptive and disorderly crises. For us to honor God with our lives, we need to live in ways that may seem out of step with many around us.

129- Successfully managing feelings requires knowing that feelings aren’t less than thoughts; they’re simply different from thoughts. Without feelings, we would miss some of the information God has encoded into our systems of gathering and responding to God’s world… Many feelings are at the core of what allows us to connect and bond in human community.

144-145- For an individual with mental health problems, the special challenge is to discern the useful feelings—those that come in response to a situation and give clues to personal values and purpose—from the feelings that simply come like storm surges. There is rarely any meaning to be found in the latter. All that can be done is to set the feeling aside and do the next thing. But without good discernment, a person risks either ignoring big feelings that have useful information or attending excessively to feelings whose only meaning is to show that one’s body is out of whack right now.

181- What people with mental health problems generally need from churches is not mental health treatment but Christian friendship and the kinds of caring that can emerge only among those committed to each other. Faith communities are designed by God as places where people can belong, find meaning and purpose in life, be recognized as valued persons in the sight of God and other people, and find hope for the days to come. These kinds of caring don’t require professional support. In fact, they happen most effectively when they are provided long term by nonprofessionals.

***

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Gal. 6:2).

© 2022 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV. Image courtesy of Amazon.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

If I Only Had a Heart

One of my Christmas gifts was The Wizard of Oz video. It’s been years since I last saw the movie, and one quote jumped out at me. The Wizard says to the Tin Man:

“A heart is not judged by how much you love but by how much you are loved by others” (1:32).

As much as I like the movie, that’s certainly an unbiblical idea. Jesus told His disciples:

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:34-35).

The Apostle John added this explanation:

“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent His only Son into the world, so that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another” (1 John 4:7-11).

So, in opposition to what the Wizard believed, what matters most is that God first loved us and thus we are both enabled and commanded to love others regardless of what they may think about us. Jesus went on to say,

“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matt. 5:43-44).

“Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you… If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them” (Luke 6:27, 32).

Our culture excels at loving those who love us and agree with us, but don’t let any hint of conflict arise or all bets are off. It doesn’t seem to matter whether there are marriage vows or church membership covenants—love, as we understand it, goes out the window. But that is to ignore God’s command to love even our enemies. Love is not mere tolerance of others, nor approving of sin. It is showing grace and compassion that yearns for others to find reconciliation with God and man through Jesus Christ. In C.S. Lewis’s words, “Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained” (The Problem of Pain).

But if we’re honest, none of us love others as we should. There are people who irritate us, people we hope never to meet in the grocery store, and perhaps even people who would consider us their enemies. We can’t love people by our own strength or willpower, but the solution is not to go looking for a heart or looking for people who already love us. We need to continually turn to God and ask Him to keep growing the fruit of the Spirit in us, “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control” (Gal. 5:22-23).

I realize this has been a recurring theme in many of my blogs, but it’s also a recurring theme in Scripture. Love appears over 200 times in the New Testament alone, so it must be pretty important to God, who is Himself Love. This year “let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works” (Heb. 10:24).

“May the Lord make you increase and abound in love for one another and for all, as we do for you, so that He may establish your hearts blameless in holiness before our God and Father, at the coming of our Lord Jesus with all His saints” (1 Thess. 3:12-13).

© 2022 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Honor Abounding

I’ve been enjoying the TGC podcast “You’re Not Crazy.” The recent episode “Staying Honest, Showing Honor” has stayed on my mind for a couple weeks for multiple reasons.

For much of the episode they reflect on Romans 12:10, “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor,” and they note how rare this is even within the church. “Churches typically live on a starvation diet of encouragement and honor, and being lifted up by one another.” We’re much better at sarcasm and poking fun at people or just remaining silent than in honestly and publicly letting people know what we love and appreciate about them.

There are people living out their faith all around us, and many of them need to be reminded and encouraged that what they are doing matters. We need to let go of our reluctance to say something and start building one another up in love. There’s so much negativity in the world already. Let’s not add to that, but let’s become a refuge for the weary and worn by setting the example of outdoing one another in showing honor.

Another comment Ortlund makes in the episode is this: “One of the most important things right now in my existence is preparing to die well. I want to die honorably.” How often do any of us think about the personal and spiritual legacy we will leave for our family and friends? The Apostle Paul wrote on this theme repeatedly in Philippians:

“It is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death… Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel… that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain… that by any means possible I may attain from the resurrection from the dead… What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you” (1:20, 27; 2:15-16; 3:11; 4:9).

I confess there are many times when I succumb too easily to temptation, when I avoid the good works set before me, when I don’t pursue the means of grace in the spiritual disciplines, when I don’t want to sacrifice comfort and pleasure for the sake of holiness and the growth of the Kingdom of God. I think far too much of my own interests and far too little of living (and eventually dying) honorably in the sight of God and man.

If we all focused more on honoring God in our lives and honoring others with our words, think how much more pleasant the world would be! What if we approached social media each day with the thought “Who can I honor?” instead of “Who do I disagree with?” What if we made our daily decisions in light of what would most honor God instead of our own preferences and desires? How would our work places, churches, and homes be different?

“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Phil. 2:3-4).

***

© 2021 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church

All You Need Is Love

Borrowing an idea from a sermon by Sam Allberry, the world readily agrees that “all you need is love.” What they don’t agree on is what exactly love is. Society might even agree that “love is patient and kind… it is not arrogant or rude” (1 Cor. 10:4-5). But those words mean different things. For the unbeliever, love means:

• I can do whatever I want and you can’t judge me.
• I can pursue whatever and whoever I think will give me pleasure and fulfillment.
• You must benignly accept whatever I believe.
• You must allow me to become whoever and whatever I want to be.

Some non-Christians might be familiar with John 3:16, “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.” And if they heard 3:17 they might applaud the first half of it: “ For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world—” but the passage does not stop there:

“but in order that the world might be saved through Him. Whoever believes in Him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God. And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed” (John 3:17-20).

God didn’t send Jesus into the world simply to say “I love you, so you can do whatever you want and we’ll all celebrate for eternity.” God sent His Son because we all have been walking in the darkness of sin and unbelief. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). God never said “Anything goes.” He set up standards of behavior, and every one of us have failed to meet those standards. Jesus even expanded those standards to include our thought life (Matt. 5:22, 28).

Jesus didn’t come to remove all the measures of morality and holiness. “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them” (Matt. 5:19). He also didn’t come to say, “Can’t we all just get along?” Rather, “Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword” (Matt. 10:34).

Because of God’s love, Jesus proclaimed, “I have come into the world as light, so that whoever believes in Me may not remain in darkness” (John 12:46). The answer to our depravity is not tolerance and acceptance, but repentance. True love is found in turning to the One who bore our sins on the cross so that we might be reconciled with God.

“And you, who were dead in your trespasses… God made alive together with Him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This He set aside, nailing it to the cross” (Colossians 2:13-14).

He didn’t say, “There’s no such thing as sin or evil, so you’re all good.” Sin is so significant to God that the only way it could be dealt with was to offer His own perfect Son on the cross in our place. For us to accept the world’s view that “love means anything goes” is to cheapen Jesus’ sacrifice and the glory of the God who is love.

“In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent His only Son into the world, so that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we have loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another” (1 John 4:10:12).

As we celebrate Easter, may we not make the mistake of embracing love as a kind of mushy sentimentality or an innocuous tolerance. Let us remember the true cost that Love paid to make us part of God’s eternal family, and may that spur us to share the good news of true love with the world.

“See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are… By this we know love, that He laid down His life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers” (1 John 3:1, 16).

© 2021 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Effects of Faith

Faith gives us eternal hope.

For those who trust in Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord, we have the certainty that there is coming a day when God “will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away” (Rev. 21:4).

When life is hard and it seems like things will never change, there is always the hope of eternity. Eternal life means that the trials of this life are temporary and they will one day seem insignificant. “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison” (2 Cor. 4:17).

Faith gives us purpose.

Life is about more than getting an education, earning a living, raising a family, or saving for vacation and retirement. For the believer, every aspect of life is infused with the purpose of loving and serving God by loving and serving those around us. Joseph Hellerman wrote:

“Experiencing God and serving God are not unrelated. God offers a wonderful alternative to an otherwise aimless life that must rely on regular shots of experiential escape—secular or spiritual—to provide a sense of significance. That alternative is to give our lives to a community with a mission—a local church charged with the task of proclaiming the ‘excellencies’ of the God who has called us ‘out of darkness into his marvelous light’ (1 Pet 2:9)” (Why We Need the Church to Become More Like Jesus, ch. 6).

If we expect this life to fulfill all our hopes and dreams, we will be sorely disappointed. “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ” (Col. 3:23-24).

Faith joins us to a family.

Through faith in Christ we are adopted into God’s family. We don’t just have a relationship with the Father, but with all of His children. We have more in common with those in our Christian family than we do with non-Christians in our nuclear family. We may share history with our nuclear family, but we share an eternal future with our Christian family.

Our brother and sisters in Christ are meant to be those with whom we can share both our joys and our struggles. “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor… Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep” (Rom. 12:10, 15). “So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us” (1 Thess. 2:8).

Faith assures us that we are loved by God.

“Hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us… God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Rom. 5:5, 8). By His love and grace our sins are forgiven and we are reconciled to Him. “Your life is hidden with Christ in God” (Col. 3:3), so we are just as beloved as Jesus is. “For we know, brothers loved by God, that He has chosen you” (1 Thess. 1:4).

“So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love” (1 Cor. 13:13).

 © 2020 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

The One That You Love

For a couple days I’ve had a line from Air Supply on my mind: “Here I am, the one that you love, asking for another day. Understand, the one that you love, loves you in so many ways.” I know some people take issue with the “love song” perspective of God, but as I was humming to myself it struck me that God does sometimes say things like that. “Here I am. Are you going to give Me this day? Do you understand how much I love you?”

God can remind us of truth in unexpected ways, including love songs. Mark Buchanan wrote in The Rest of God, “God is always speaking. ‘There is no speech or language / where [his] voice is not heard’ (Ps. 19:3). But we’re not always listening. We don’t make the effort and so fail to go boldly into his throne room to receive what we need: a word that can pierce, and cut, and heal… Are you listening?”

We all need reminders of God’s love. Jesus told His disciples “As the Father has loved Me, so have I loved you. Abide in My love” (John 15:9). The Apostle John referred to himself as “the disciple whom Jesus loved.” We don’t know what it was about their interactions that made John say that, nor do we know what the other disciples thought about it when they read what he’d written.

In Christ, all of us can know we are His beloved children. “But to all who did receive Him, who believed in His name, he gave the right to become children of God” (John 1:12). “See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are” (1 John 3:1). But I think, if we’re honest, most of us have a hard time remembering “I am the one that He loves.” We know that God loves all the people He has created, and He has a special love for all who belong to Him through Jesus Christ. But it’s harder to grasp that God loves me with all my sins and failures and wanderings and unbelief. We sing “Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so,” but we may struggle to comprehend His love.

The Apostle Paul prayed for the believers in Ephesus “that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God” (Eph. 3:17b-19). Paul wasn’t one to waste words, so it seems likely that the Ephesians needed that prayer, and we do too. There are aspects of God’s love that we’ll only understand in eternity.

My prayer today is, “Here I am, the one that You love, asking for another day in Your presence. I don’t love You as I should, but I want to love You with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. Help me to understand that You love me in ways I can’t yet begin to comprehend.”

“Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you” (James 4:8a).

© 2020 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

What Can I Say?

I’ve been debating all week what to write. Given the current tensions in our country, I fear saying the wrong thing. I fear offending someone unintentionally because I use the wrong words or don’t know all the facts and experiences of others. But I also fear saying nothing. I don’t want to be seen as complicit in evil because I don’t speak up. I think a lot of people are in the same boat. We want to support our brothers and sisters of other races because we are all made in the image of God, but we just don’t know what to say or do.

I started reading The Peacemaker by Ken Sande, and he makes some good observations on 1 Corinthians 10:31-11:1 (NIV): “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God—even as I try to please everybody in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved. Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.”

“[The] Bible teaches that we should see conflict neither as an inconvenience nor as an occasion to force our will on others, but rather as an opportunity to demonstrate the love and power of God in our lives… This passage encourages us to look at conflict as an opportunity to glorify God, serve others, and grow to be like Christ” (ch. 1).

“Rights are not something you deserve and possess for your own benefit. Rather, they are privileges given to you by God, and he wants you to use them for his glory and to benefit others, especially by helping them to know Christ… Thus, whenever there is a question about your rights, you should ask yourself questions like these:

“‘Will exercising my rights honor God by showing the power of the gospel in my life?’ ‘Will exercising my rights advance God’s kingdom—or will it advance only my interests at the expense of his kingdom?’ ‘Will exercising my rights benefit others?’ ‘Is exercising my rights essential for my own well-being?’” (ch. 4).

The Declaration of Independence and Constitution provide for certain “unalienable rights,” yet we can all point to examples where people have misused their rights and harmed others. The abuse of authority leads to wrongful death. The abuse of free speech breaks hearts and inflames anger. God calls us to a higher standard: “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor… If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all… Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:10, 18, 21 ESV). “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person by quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:19-20).

What then can I say? I’d start with “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry that people have abused their power and privileges and have caused harm and even death to your family and friends. I’m sorry that many of us have sat back and watched and not lifted a finger to help. I’m sorry that it has taken this long for me and others like me to even try to understand what you’ve gone through your whole life. I’m sorry for the times I have not spoken up when others have said unkind or untrue things or have been rude and inconsiderate to you. And I’m sorry to the young man I offended when I used a wrong term because I didn’t think how it would be heard by someone from a different background, and thank you for being gracious enough not to react to my ignorance.

I hope you know that many of us want to understand and to do a better job of loving you. We need your help to know what we can say and do to help and not to harm.

“For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another” (Galatians 5:13-15).

© 2020 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Insert Foot

The Christian news lately seems full of examples of questionable comments made by big-name pastors and leaders. (Here’s just one example.) Whether you agree with their theology or not, I have a problem with the forum and manner in which such comments have been made. In the pastoral epistles, Paul gave several instructions regarding the conduct of pastors/elders, deacons, and other leaders. Here are just a few:

• “The aim of our charge is love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith” (1 Timothy 1:5 ESV).
• “I desire then that in every place the men should pray, lifting holy hands without anger or quarreling” (1 Tim. 2:8).
• “Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wide, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach… Moreover, he must be well thought of by outsiders, so that he may not fall into disgrace” (2 Tim. 3:2, 7a).
• “Set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity” (1 Tim. 4:12b).
• “Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, young women as sisters, in all purity” (1 Tim. 5:1).
• “And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness” (2 Tim. 2:24-25a).
• “Remind them… to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people” (Titus 3:1-2).

Although we all make mistakes, those in the news lately have repeatedly failed to treat other Christians with courtesy and respect, and have offered no apologies. Those who are in the public eye should realize that every word they say will be scrutinized, but every Christian should be “quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:19b-20).

What does it say to Christians when leaders publicly attack other Christians? 

I have no respect for you or your position… You aren’t worthy of respect… You are not my sister or brother in Christ… I don’t love you and I refuse to have a civil dialogue with you… You have no value in God’s kingdom…

What does it communicate to non-Christians? 

God may love you, but look out for everyone else… 

Why would someone want to align themselves with Christianity when the leaders who are thought to represent us are more interested in bickering over non-essentials and joking around in the “good ol’ boys” club?

Thankfully, there are a lot more Christians who are loving, kind, and gentle in their words and actions. They just aren’t the ones who make the news on a regular basis. My theology has been shaped—and even changed—by people who lovingly dialogue with me, but those who are harsh in their language only strengthen my resolve to disagree.

Gentleness and humility are perhaps the most ignored traits that Christians are supposed to exhibit. We’re far more adept at pride, dissension, and judgmental attitudes. The Apostle Paul reminded the believers in Ephesus:

“I urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the body of peace” (Ephesians 4:1-2).

If we would all heed that instruction, imagine what it would do to our witness to a broken and hurting world. It might not make the news, but such love would draw people in like never before.

   

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly… A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit” (Proverbs 15:1-2, 4).

© 2019 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Not Just the Facts

James Clear wrote, “In many circumstances, social connection is actually more helpful to your daily life than understanding the truth of a particular fact or idea… We don't always believe things because they are correct. Sometimes we believe things because they make us look good to the people we care about… The way to change people’s minds is to become friends with them, to integrate them into your tribe, to bring them into your circle. Now, they can change their beliefs without the risk of being abandoned socially.”

Whether he intended so or not, his observations have profound implications for the Church. How often have we heard, “People don’t care what you know until they know that you care”? And yet we often don’t practice what we preach. We think that people will be won to our point of view simply because we rehearse the facts with increasing frequency and volume. For some people, this seems to be their only purpose for using social media. (Those are the ones I hide from my Facebook feed.) It doesn’t matter if the subject is politics, education, abortion, or the gospel, we’ve forgotten that relationships trump truth almost every time.

Jesus said, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets” (Matt. 12:37-40 ESV). He didn’t say, “Love God and preach the truth.” As important as the truth of God is, “teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you” (Matt. 28:18-20) is subordinate to loving others. Making disciples has to flow from a heart of love for others. The Apostle Paul wrote, “So, being affectionately desirous of you, we were ready to share with you not only the gospel of God but also our own selves, because you had become very dear to us” (1 Thess. 2:8).

If we were to focus more effort on loving others well, more people might be drawn to believe what we believe. That’s not to say that we never state the truth, but that there’s rarely anything to be gained by hammering someone over the head with it. More hearts are changed by walking alongside others than by getting in their faces. Recently I was reading part of Jesus’ teaching, and it made a big difference when I imagined it not as a lecture, but as a friend drawing close and giving counsel to His friends. A lecture is either information that can be ignored or condemnation that puts us on the defensive. But loving counsel is something to be seriously considered and heeded.

Rosaria Butterfield has shared in her books and this video how it was “radically ordinary hospitality” from a Christian couple that led her to leave the LGBT community and become a Christian. “They didn’t see me as a project, but they saw me as a neighbor… It’s God who saves. It’s not about us being perfect, or our words being perfect. But show up, we must, in the lives of unbelievers… Hospitality, biblically speaking, takes strangers and makes them neighbors. It takes neighbors and makes them family of God.”

I think churches tend to overestimate their friendliness and underestimate the amount of time it takes to build strong relationships with people. If young adults truly felt loved and valued in their churches, they wouldn’t be nearly so quick to drift away. It really was different when the church was the center of the community and everyone knew their neighbors because they saw each other almost every day. Those relationships were a natural outgrowth of time spent together. Today we spend an hour together once or twice a week and think that is sufficient to build a strong community bond. We settle for “friending” people on Facebook rather than loving them as our neighbors, and then we wonder why no one wants to become a Christian or to join the church. Have they truly experienced the love of God through us? Have we offered them our very lives, or just the facts?

“By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35).

© 2019 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Joy in Abiding

The third week of Advent is typically associated with the theme of joy. Of the four themes, love, joy, and peace are all listed in the Fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22, and Romans 15:13 ties together hope, joy, and peace: “May the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope” (ESV). The truth is that we cannot manufacture hope, love, joy, or peace out of our own efforts. We are dependent on the work of the Holy Spirit within us.

The world tries and fails to mimic these traits, especially at Christmas. We are told it’s the “most wonderful time of the year,” and yet it is often filled with stress, anxiety, discord, and sorrow. We can wish for and look forward to changes in the New Year, but that is not the same as the hope that is firmly rooted in Christ. We can make an extra effort to be kind to others, but as Paul wrote, “If I give away all I have… but have not love, I gain nothing” (1 Corinthians 13:3). We can pursue activities that make us happy, but true joy is found only because of our relationship with Christ. We can try to create soothing circumstances and relationships, but true peace is out of our control.

• “According to His great mercy, He has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead” (1 Peter 1:3b). “Now may our Lord Jesus Christ Himself, and God our Father, who loved us and gave us eternal comfort and good hope through grace, comfort your hearts and establish them in every good work and word” (2 Thessalonians 2:16-17).
• “In this is love, not that we have loved God but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins… We love because He first loved us” (1 John 4:10, 19).
• “Now may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace at all times in every way” (2 Thessalonians 3:16a). “For He Himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in His flesh the dividing wall of hostility” (Ephesians 2:14).
• “These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full” (John 15:11). “Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask and you will receive, that your joy may be full” (John 16:24).

If this fruit grows out of our relationship with God, we won’t produce it by trying harder but by growing closer to Him. As we spend time in the Word and in prayer, we will be transformed by the renewal of our minds (Romans 12:2), and we will be conformed to the image of His Son (Romans 8:29). As we abide in the vine, in relationship with Christ, then the Fruit of the Spirit will become evident in our lives. “As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me” (John 15:4b).

I can think of nothing that will create greater joy, peace, hope, and love than drawing close to the One who created me, redeemed me, and chose me to be part of His family for eternity.

“Though you have not seen Him, you love Him. Though you do not now see Him, you believe in Him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory” (1 Peter 1:8).

© 2017 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com.