Just Me

When you imagine the Apostle Paul, what sort of man do you see? A bold, fiery evangelist, unconcerned about what people think of him and unafraid of confronting sin? Certainly there are some examples of that in Scripture, such as when he opposed Peter for acting hypocritically (Gal. 2:11-14), and when Elymas the magician was deceiving the proconsul (Acts 13:6-12). However, there are other verses that paint a different picture:

“And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling” (1 Cor. 2:3).

“I, Paul, myself entreat you, by the meekness and gentleness of Christ—I who am humble when face to face with you, but bold toward you when I am away!” (2 Cor. 10:1).

“[Pray] also for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak” (Eph. 6:19-20).

If those were the only descriptions you had of Paul, you might imagine him as a rather timid fellow, perhaps the way Timothy is often pictured. It can be easy to overlook a few verses when they don’t fit with our preconceived ideas. MacLaren’s Exposition of Acts 7 says this about Paul’s conversion experience:

“An overwhelming conviction flooded his soul that He whom he had taken to be an impostor, richly deserving the Cross that He endured, was living in glory, and was revealing Himself to Saul then and there. That truth crumbled his whole past into nothing; and he stood there trembling and astonished, like a man the ruins of whose house have fallen about his ears.”

No doubt Paul ended up questioning all that he thought was true, including how he needed to relate to these Christians he had despised. What he had previously considered as strengths were now his weaknesses (Phil 3:3-11).

Even those of us who have grown up in church may trust in the wrong things. We may rely on our natural abilities rather than God’s strength. Or we may assume that we are supposed to fit a particular stereotype if we are “good Christians” fulfilling God’s commands to evangelize and make disciples. If that were the case, God sure wasted a lot of creativity on humanity.

As some have said, we are uniquely created on purpose and for a purpose. There are a lot of people in the world and in church that I don’t understand, and I can’t imagine what it’s like to live their lives. They are probably just as baffled by me. We have different personalities, interests, abilities, and communication styles. God can use all of those things for His purposes if we submit them to His lordship. If we don’t, they are likely to trip us up and may cause us to glorify ourselves rather than God.

I’m probably more like Timothy than Paul, but mostly I’m just me, as God created me, redeemed me, and is sanctifying me. And that’s okay.

“If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness” (2 Cor. 11:30).

© 2024 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Going Deeper

In the book Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture, by Adam McHugh, the author makes a good case for the idea that:

“The perception of an extroverted Jesus might reflect a tendency within American culture to value extroversion over introversion… [In] most evangelical circles, three theological anchors—an intimate relationship with God through Jesus, the centrality of the written Word of God, and active personal evangelism—are often expressed in strikingly extroverted ways.”

Even though one-third to one-half of all people are introverts, it’s interesting (and perhaps alarming) how many of us feel marginalized because we don’t measure up to someone else’s extroverted standards for what a good Christian looks like. Here are just a few common characteristics of introverts from McHugh’s book:

• Prefer to relax alone or with a few close friends 
• Consider only deep relationships as friends 
• Tend to think before we speak or act 
• May prefer a quiet atmosphere 
• Dislike small talk 
• Prefer to work on own rather than with a group 
• May prefer written communication

Consider how that list compares to many church gatherings where: high attendance is the measure of effectiveness; socializing before and after is practically mandatory; discussion often stops at the level of the least knowledgeable person in the group and is dominated by a few vocal members. “The mark of a progressing faith becomes participation in an increasing number of activities and familiarity with an increasing number of people.” For an introvert, just imagining that scenario can be exhausting.

I was halfway through writing this when I discovered that Christianity Today had just posted an article on a similar theme, “The Gospel Doesn’t Always Have to Come with a Housekey.” Sara Kyoungah White makes the point that hospitality doesn’t have to look the same for every person or family, and it may also change with different seasons of life.

Kelly Kapic wrote in You’re Only Human in regards to the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23, “all [are] the Spirit’s fruit, but they often look and taste a bit different among the variety of particular trees that inhabit the Lord’s land.” Although every human is created in the image of God, we each reflect that image a little differently. The diversity of humanity reveals God’s creativity.

In the various things I’ve been reading and studying the past few weeks, I’ve realized how often I’ve judged myself by someone else’s style and personality and then felt inferior and deficient. A lot of the things that I tried in college were proof of what I definitely did not want to do in life. I attempted them mostly because of peer pressure and the misguided assumption that “This is what good Christians are supposed to do.” I still don’t know how I survived two years on summer ministry teams with week after week of camps and VBS programs when I felt overwhelmed and exhausted by trying to be someone I’m not.

Our culture, for all its emphasis on tolerance, has a pretty narrow definition of “normal,” and ends up alienating and dividing humanity into numerous subcultures where we each hope to find love and acceptance. The church has not been immune to this problem, as we’ve tried to fit others into whatever mold we think is good. It might help if we took the time to get to know one another on a deeper level and realize how diverse we really are. McHugh comments:

“In an increasingly fragmented, fast-paced, chatter-filled world, I consider the great gift introverts bring to the world and the church to be a longing for depth. Spiritually mature introverts offer an alternative to our contemporary lifestyle, one that is thoughtful, imaginative, and slower.”

That paragraph describes what I long to experience more often—in worship, in learning, and in relationships. The difficulty is in making space in the conversation for introverts to contribute our perspectives. (That’s why many of us prefer writing!) What might that look like in your church, class, or group? What influence could that have on your perceptions of hospitality, youth ministry, and evangelism?

“But [Jesus] would withdraw to desolate places and pray” (Luke 5:15).

“Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matt. 11:28).

© 2022 Dawn Rutan text and picture. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

My Weird-Wired Brain

I found this video online of research from Dr. Russell Hurlburt on the topic of inner monologue. He lists five general ways that people think—inner speaking, seeing, feeling, sensory, and unsymbolized—but there is a lot of overlap and variation. It would be interesting to see if there are patterns related to learning styles, career choices, mental illness, and developmental challenges.

I’m becoming increasingly aware that human brains do not function exactly the same for all people. Following are a few examples of the way my brain works. I have no idea if these are unique or common, and I’d be curious to find out.

Images

In recent years there have been articles popping up on the internet about aphantasia, an inability to see mental pictures. Some people see no pictures, others see variations from simple black and white to full color, lifelike images. In my case, I see everything in full detail; however, I tend to see things from a certain perspective. I do a lot of drawing and when I want to draw, say, a hummingbird* I search for images online so I can make sure I get my dimensions correct. But I can only use images that match my mental picture. It has to be facing the right direction. (Animals usually have to be facing the left side of my paper.) I can’t simply turn my mental image or my drawing around. Oddly, saving the computer image and reversing it doesn’t help much because I remember the original and then it looks wrong reversed.

I have the same perspective limitations when thinking of rooms. If someone asked me to describe my bedroom, I’d describe it as seen from the doorway. This would be true even if I were laying on my bed at the time. This may be similar to my memory of where certain images or concepts appear on the pages of books. Although I read some eBooks, I find it harder to read when things aren’t always in the same place and I can’t see the surrounding context. (This is a good argument for using a physical Bible and using the same Bible for as long as possible.)

When going someplace new, I like to have a mental map of the area. If I use my phone app to give me directions, I don’t know where I am in relation to other roads. More than once I’ve gone the wrong direction because I wasn’t paying enough attention to my phone and didn’t know where I was even in my own city.

Numbers

Even though I work in accounting and love numbers, I am bad at mental math. Someone may ask “What’s 36 * 9?” and I would turn on my adding machine. For as long as I can remember I’ve used touch point math, even before I knew there was such a thing. I don’t recall ever being taught that, but I happened to find a method that worked for me. I’ve recently started playing the Nerdle game online, and I struggle to do some of the math without writing it down or using a calculator.

Conversations

In social settings, I’m always trying to figure out what to say and exactly how to say it. I have to think things through before I’ll open my mouth. Unfortunately, this often means that the subject changes before I have found the right words, so I won’t say anything at all. Some people seem to be able to think while they speak, which I find difficult.

If I have to explain something and I start mentally rehearsing it, I have to go through it from beginning to end before my brain will let me move on to something else. I can’t skip from A to D, no matter how simple B and C are. If I do try to fast forward, I’ll have to start over at A.

Following certain conversations or meetings, I will often rehearse what was said almost verbatim. This is definitely not because I want to, but because my brain won’t stop. This tends to happen more if the conversation was emotionally charged.

Concluding Thoughts

God has created widely diverse people, and I don’t think I’ve always fully appreciated this. We’re so quick to put labels on people to categorize and segregate them. But people don’t fit in nice little boxes, and we were never meant to. We should be slow to label variations of human development and processing as “right” or “wrong” even if something is statistically far more common. Different is not necessarily bad.

“For who knows a person’s thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God” (1 Cor. 2:11).

*When I write my pastor’s paychecks, I usually decorate the envelope. This was the most recent one.

© 2022 Dawn Rutan text and picture. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Don't Make Yourself at Home

When the Israelites entered the Promised Land, they were commanded,

“In the cities of these peoples that the Lord your God is giving you for an inheritance, you shall save alive nothing that breathes, but you shall devote them to complete destruction, the Hittites and the Amorites, the Canaanites and the Perizzites, the Hivites and the Jebusites, as the Lord your God has commanded, that they may not teach you to do according to all their abominable practices that they have done for their gods, and so you sin against the Lord your God” (Deut. 20:16-18).

God had promised to drive out the nations as long as Israel obeyed His commands, but they gave up too quickly. Right after Joshua died we read,

“But the People of Israel made themselves at home among the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites. They married their daughters and gave their own daughters to their sons in marriage. And they worshiped their gods” (Jud. 3:5-6 MSG).

They didn’t just tolerate these other nations and their beliefs, they actually welcomed them and joined them. This led to repeated cycles of idolatry, judgment, captivity, and restoration.

In our world today, toleration of every belief (except Christianity) is the new “gospel.” But simple tolerance is never seen as enough. We are expected to conform to the beliefs of those around us. In far too many cases, Christians have capitulated, to our own detriment. Often times Christians are indistinguishable from the culture around us. Our priorities look the same—work, entertainment, social media, family, etc. Even our fears and anxieties often look the same. Not many are asking for “a reason for the hope that is in you” (1 Pet. 3:15), because they don’t see anything different in us.

We’ve made ourselves at home in this world, but as the old gospel song says, “This world is not my home.” We weren’t meant to blend in, but to be set apart as representatives of the heavenly kingdom. We are God’s ambassadors on earth (2 Cor. 5:20) with the job of bringing people into His kingdom, not living like the natives here.

May we each examine our lives and our priorities and make sure we haven’t made our homes in the wrong place, “but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven… For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matt. 6:20-21). Our Father’s house is so much better than anything we can ever hope to build here!

“For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens… So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please Him” (2 Cor. 5:1, 9).

© 2022 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Just Be You

Some time back I read Rosaria Butterfield’s book The Gospel Comes with a House Key. It is one I would recommend as food for thought. However, from my own observations and from conversations I’ve had with others, it can come across as very guilt-inducing. Besides pastoring a church, she and her husband are foster parents, she homeschools, and their door is open basically 24-7 for anyone to drop by for a meal or conversation. If I were to do even a fraction of what she does, I would soon be hiding under my bed or moving to the most remote location I could find. Her gifts and methods are commendable—but they aren’t mine. That’s why I was encouraged when I read the following in Christine Hoover’s book From Good to Grace:

“I mentioned that I’m a pastor’s wife, and not just a pastor’s wife but a church-planting pastor’s wife. Who let her husband start a church in her living room. Who has people over for dinner. Who plans a menu ahead of time. Who karate-chops pillows. Perhaps you got stuck on that part because you’re not a person who has people in your home and you started imagining a meal far greater than anything I actually make, and you started feeling pretty unspiritual in comparison, which led to you beating yourself up or immediately making a list of people whom you should invite over.

“Or you’re on the other extreme, and you’ve already figured you’re going to stop reading because you don’t want to hear a list of things you should be doing from another goody-two-shoes pastor’s wife. But this is my point exactly. We are way too concerned with what other people are doing and trying to match or judge what they are doing. We are jumping ahead to a great question (What does God want from me?) but asking it of the wrong audience (other people) and skipping the gospel question entirely.

“The most important and life-giving thing we can do as followers of Christ is to consider what God wants for us as presented in the gospel and to ask the right questions of the right Person…”

God didn’t call me to be another Rosaria Butterfield or Christine Hoover. He called me to be His child, with the gifts and abilities and personality that He gave me. There are a lot of things people think I should do that I have no trouble declining. But the enemy can creep in with a vague sense of guilt about not doing enough or not doing the “right things,” whatever those may be. When I prayerfully seek God’s will, I don’t believe that He’s telling me to do more or different things, but rather to rest in His goodness and grace. Hoover comments,

“The gospel quiets the clamor and comparisons, the swirling online world, and the self-accusations. The gospel tells us to rest because Christ is enough, but it also leads us to respond in obedience when God asks things of us that are counter to what others and our own hearts tell us are important. The gospel shows us how to receive from God what we need in order to truly live and what we need to serve others with joy, sacrificial love, and power.”

Peer pressure never dies, it just takes new forms. We in the church can be very good at guilting people into doing things they aren’t gifted for. We could all try to exercise the gifts we admire in others, but we’d end up neglecting the very things God has called us to do. I don’t have to teach Sunday school or help with nursery or open my home to strangers, and I would not be happy trying to do those things. But I do have to write, and that is the most enjoyable and fulfilling thing I can imagine. Let’s stop feeling guilty for not being Super-Christians who can do everything that everyone wants. God made us different for His own perfect purposes.

“For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ and individually members one of another. Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them…” (Romans 12:4-6 ESV).

© 2019 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Be Who You Is

I remember hearing Brennan Manning speak when I was in college, and one of the things he shared was advice that he received from a woman: “Be who you is, ‘cause if you ain’t who you is, then you is who you ain’t.” That’s good advice, but it’s harder to put into practice than we often admit. It’s not just teens who cave in to peer pressure. Nor is it just the world that is trying to fit us into its mold. The church can be just as tough some times.

Last year I started reading Hugh Halter’s book Sacrilege, but I couldn’t finish it. I still remember one illustration he used of a couple that started coming to his church. He said in essence, “They were sitting alone in the sanctuary waiting for ‘church’ to start, not realizing that church was what was happening in the hallway and fellowship hall.” While I agree that fellowship is important, so are worship, prayer, and teaching. However, I also have to point out that fellowship happens in different ways for different people. Not everyone enjoys crowded, noisy rooms. In fact, I’d say that true fellowship is minimal when you have to struggle just to hear one another. Smaller groups are more congenial in many ways.

There is a tendency within the church to pursue a one-size-fits-all approach to programming. Although it varies from church to church, many leaders think, “If this program works for 33% of the people, then all we need is to repeat this three more times.” So when we think about how to get more of the church members actively involved, the discussion goes one of two ways: either do more of the same, or slightly tweak what we’ve got to make it more appealing to a larger number of people.

There is often a lack of understanding of the huge diversity of people in the Body of Christ. I think some part of this is due to the negative attitude that many Christians have toward psychology, and thus they decline to accept the observations that psychologists and sociologists have accumulated about individuals and social interactions. Being an introvert and highly sensitive person, I’ve experienced firsthand how often events are planned for the most social people in the gathering. I’ve been made to feel not only like a minority, but like a “defective” person because I don’t enjoy the same things that others do.

When people come to Christ, they aren’t shoved into a cookie cutter to make them all look, sound, and act alike. Timothy had to be reminded not to let people look down on him because of his youth (1 Timothy 4:10). And when Saul was confronted by Christ and became Paul, he didn’t lose any of the fire or zeal that he’d had when persecuting Christians. When he said in 1 Corinthians 9:22 (ESV) “I have become all things to all people,” he didn’t mean that he abandoned his personality or his unique giftedness, but that he didn’t want anything to stand in the way of the Gospel. It seems like many churches take the opposite approach: if you’re like us you’re welcome, but if not, find somewhere else to go. (I think this is the point Halter was trying to make in his book, but he seemed to go about it by bashing all that the traditional church holds dear.)

There are certainly times when we all have to go out of our comfort zones, try new things, and perhaps find a new interest. (I wonder though whether the majority would be as anxious to try silence and solitude as they are to convince the introverts to be more social.) It’s easy to make excuses not to do things, but God sees through every excuse to the heart beneath.

I would suggest a few things that might help us all:

1) To the social butterflies and extraverts who make up the majority of our church membership and leadership, seek the opinions of the minorities among you. If a particular segment of the body is not involved in the planned activities, ask them why that is. Doing more of the same old thing is not going to suddenly change their minds.

2) To the quieter, less social people among us, remember that no one is going to read your mind and know what you’d like. Make your opinions known when you can. Just be aware that as a minority, sometimes you have to go along with the majority opinion even when you’d rather not.

3) To all of us, make the effort to establish and develop close relationships with individuals. Evangelism and discipleship generally happen one-on-one or in small groups, not in large groups or church socials.

We need the unique contributions of each member.

“God arranged the members in the Body, each one of them, as He chose. If all were a single member, where would the Body be?” (1 Corinthians 12:18-19).

© 2015 Dawn Rutan