David Brooks writes in How to Know a Person,
“Apparently we live in a society in which people don’t get to tell their stories. We work and live around people for years without ever knowing their tales. How did it come to be this way? …We don’t start conversations because we’re bad at predicting how much we’ll enjoy them. We underestimate how much others want to talk; we underestimate how much we will learn; we underestimate how quickly other people will want to go deep and get personal. If you give people a little nudge, they will share their life stories with enthusiasm… people are eager, often desperate, to be seen, heard, and understood. And yet we have built a culture, and a set of manners, in which that doesn’t happen.”
We’ve all heard little children demanding, “Look at me! Look at me!” Somewhere along the way we stop may asking for attention, but we never stop needing it. And for many people, an obsession with the screens in front of us leads us to stop offering attention to others. Brooks writes,
“The question everybody is unconsciously asking themselves when they meet you: ‘Am I a person to you? Do you care about me? Am I a priority for you?’”
All too often, even in the church and Christian organizations, it feels like the answer is No. The isolation of the pandemic accelerated our loss of social skills, including non-verbal communication, but this isn’t exactly a new problem. More than once in Scripture God made Himself known to those who felt invisible, such as Joseph, Moses, and Hannah. God spoke to Hagar in the wilderness, leading her to proclaim, “You are a God of seeing… Truly here I have seen Him who looks after me” (Gen. 16:13). Jesus spoke to the Samaritan woman at the well, and she told her neighbors, “Come, see a man who told me all that I ever did” (John 4:29). In the book of Acts, Peter and John saw a lame man and Peter said, “Look at us,” and then proceeded to heal the man. Truly seeing the man and his need resulted in a gift far greater than merely giving him alms.
The book of Proverbs has much to say about friendship and our words, such as:
- “A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends” (16:28).
- “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (17:17).
- “He who loves purity of heart, and whose speech is gracious, will have the king as his friend” (22:11).
- “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy” (27:6).
- “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest council” (27:9).
Brooks notes that many people think they are better conversationalists than they really are. And many more feel inadequate in conversation. While we can learn from books and blogs, perhaps the best teacher is experience. If we are more intentional in engaging in conversations and asking questions, we can learn a lot from one another.
May we be those who seek to let others know that they are seen and heard, and that they are loved by God and by us.
“Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body” (Prov. 16:24).
Related resources:
Gavin Ortlund teaching on good listening
Russell Moore interviews David Brooks
Russell Moore and Andy Crouch on tech obsession
© 2024 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.
