Look at Me

David Brooks writes in How to Know a Person,

“Apparently we live in a society in which people don’t get to tell their stories. We work and live around people for years without ever knowing their tales. How did it come to be this way? …We don’t start conversations because we’re bad at predicting how much we’ll enjoy them. We underestimate how much others want to talk; we underestimate how much we will learn; we underestimate how quickly other people will want to go deep and get personal. If you give people a little nudge, they will share their life stories with enthusiasm… people are eager, often desperate, to be seen, heard, and understood. And yet we have built a culture, and a set of manners, in which that doesn’t happen.”

We’ve all heard little children demanding, “Look at me! Look at me!” Somewhere along the way we stop may asking for attention, but we never stop needing it. And for many people, an obsession with the screens in front of us leads us to stop offering attention to others. Brooks writes,

“The question everybody is unconsciously asking themselves when they meet you: ‘Am I a person to you? Do you care about me? Am I a priority for you?’”

All too often, even in the church and Christian organizations, it feels like the answer is No. The isolation of the pandemic accelerated our loss of social skills, including non-verbal communication, but this isn’t exactly a new problem. More than once in Scripture God made Himself known to those who felt invisible, such as Joseph, Moses, and Hannah. God spoke to Hagar in the wilderness, leading her to proclaim, “You are a God of seeing… Truly here I have seen Him who looks after me” (Gen. 16:13). Jesus spoke to the Samaritan woman at the well, and she told her neighbors, “Come, see a man who told me all that I ever did” (John 4:29). In the book of Acts, Peter and John saw a lame man and Peter said, “Look at us,” and then proceeded to heal the man. Truly seeing the man and his need resulted in a gift far greater than merely giving him alms.

The book of Proverbs has much to say about friendship and our words, such as:

• “A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends” (16:28).
• “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (17:17).
• “He who loves purity of heart, and whose speech is gracious, will have the king as his friend” (22:11).
• “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy” (27:6).
• “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest council” (27:9).

Brooks notes that many people think they are better conversationalists than they really are. And many more feel inadequate in conversation. While we can learn from books and blogs, perhaps the best teacher is experience. If we are more intentional in engaging in conversations and asking questions, we can learn a lot from one another.

May we be those who seek to let others know that they are seen and heard, and that they are loved by God and by us.

“Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body” (Prov. 16:24).

Related resources:

Gavin Ortlund teaching on good listening

Russell Moore interviews David Brooks

Russell Moore and Andy Crouch on tech obsession

© 2024 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Wrong Way

“There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Prov. 12:18).

I screwed up. I used rash, sarcastic words instead of loving, gracious words. I expressed my hurt and frustration in ways that hurt others. What I might have said instead in this particular situation— “I miss seeing the people I love and talking to them on a regular basis… I don’t like feeling invisible to those around me… I’m tired of feeling lonely but I don’t know how to connect with busy people…”

Feeling distant and unseen, my words only created greater distance. Feeling insecure, my words created greater insecurity. Feeling like I was on the outside looking in, my words only built the wall higher. Feeling confused about the state of the relationship, my words only made it more unclear.

Being Christian doesn’t mean we don’t make mistakes or that we don’t need to keep learning. But it does mean we need to face our mistakes and reconcile relationships. As this TGC article, “Battling Sinful Sarcasm” points out, our words can either hurt or heal, and we need to learn to evaluate them before they come out of our mouths or fingertips. Perhaps if I’d read this article when it came out 10 years ago, I wouldn’t have had to learn the lesson the hard way.

In a world of instant communication, where the rule is “post while it’s hot,” and where snark reigns supreme, it’s easy to forget that other people may not perceive things the way they are intended. And that kind of lazy communication has infiltrated verbal interactions as well. I’ll admit I’m not good at figuring out what other people are thinking, but now I see better that I can’t assume that they can read me either. It seems to me that most everyone needs training in interpersonal communication, and perhaps especially so in the church where we are to follow Scriptural commands such as:

“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person” (Col. 4:6).

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Eph. 4:29).

On the Ephesians verse, in the past I always thought of “corrupting talk” as referring to language that uses God’s name in vain or intentionally leads others into sin and condemnation. The Greek word can also be translated rotten, worthless, or useless. Most of the other places where it is used in the New Testament are Jesus’ references to bad fruit (Matt. 7:17-18 et al). Anything that bears bad fruit is corrupting God’s design for His world and His people. Our words are to build up, not tear down. They are to be full of grace and truth, not barbs and innuendo. They are to reflect how much we love one another.

In the devotional book Take Heart by David Powlison, the reading for April 20 includes this prayer:

“Our Father, please have mercy on us. We live so carelessly… Let us take seriously the delightful call of Christ, calling us out of darkness into light. Let us embrace your call in ways that are life rearranging, the call that we would become men and women who contribute to the quantum of light in the dark world, and don’t just bumble along as one more person stumbling through the darkness.”

“He who loves purity of heart, and whose speech is gracious, will have the king as his friend” (Prov. 22:11).

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Here’s a related post I wrote last year: https://mental3degree.blogspot.com/2022/08/fully-present.html

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© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Words of Caution

Reading through the one-chapter book of Obadiah recently, I was struck by this verse: “Do not gloat over the day of your brother in the day of his misfortune; do not rejoice over the people of Judah in the day of their ruin; do not boast in the day of distress” (v. 12). Edom was facing judgment for their sin, which included standing by and watching Judah be destroyed and delighting in their downfall.

Though that specific context may seem remote for us, we can all think of examples of people or groups gloating over the downfall of others. New phrases have been coined to describe “cancel culture” and “social media shaming.” Sadly, such behaviors infect the church as well:

• The political opponent said something wrong? “Why would anyone vote for him?”
• The promiscuous celebrity gets a terminal illness? “They had it coming.”
• The liberal denomination fractures? “It serves them right.”
• The pastor you disagreed with has run into trouble at another church? “It’s about time.”

We’re all guilty to one degree or another, because we’re all infected with sin. We may not say or do anything publicly, but we have all had those thoughts of “I know I’m right and they are just plain wrong. They deserve to be brought down a peg.”

Jesus said in Matthew 12:36, “I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak [or type].” Why does it matter? “For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil” (12:34b-35). Our words reveal our hearts, and yet many of us don’t realize how dark our hearts can be.

Consider just a few verses from the book of Proverbs:

• “When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent” (10:19).
• “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (12:28).
• “The thoughts of the wicked are an abomination to the Lord, but gracious words are pure” (15:26).
• “Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body” (16:24).
• “Whoever restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding” (17:27).
• “Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him” (29:20).

Our words can reveal if we are wise or foolish, loving or vengeful, humble or arrogant. Social media has made it far too easy for us to speak without thinking—jumping on the bandwagon of whoever we agree with and degrading those who disagree, regardless of what that may say to the watching world. Are we being lights in a dark world, or are we adding to the darkness by cutting down anyone who doesn’t agree with us on everything? People may stop listening long before we ever talk about Jesus if all they see in our lives is judgmentalism and condemnation. “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:1-3).

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth” (1 Cor. 13:4-6).

© 2021 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

A Few Words

There are parts of The Imitation of Christ, by Thomas a Kempis, that read almost like a Social Media User’s Guide for 2020:

Section 1 chapter 3- “If men used as much care in uprooting vices and implanting virtues as they do in discussing problems, where would not be so much evil and scandal in the world, or such laxity in religious organizations.”

1-4- “Not to act rashly or to cling obstinately to one’s opinion, not to believe everything people say or to spread abroad the gossip on has heard, is great wisdom.”

1-6- “A proud and avaricious man never rests, whereas he who is poor and humble of heart lives in a world of peace.”

1-9- “Everyone, it is true, wishes to do as he pleases and is attracted to those who agree with him. But if God be among us, we must at times give up our opinions for the blessing of peace.”

1-11- “We should enjoy much peace if we did not concern ourselves with what others say and do, for these are no concern of ours. How can a man who meddles in affairs not his own, who seeks strange distractions, and who is little or seldom inwardly recollected, live long in peace?”

1-12- “It is good for us sometimes to suffer contradiction, to be misjudged by men even though we do well and mean well. These things help us to be humble and shield us from vainglory. When to all outward appearances men give us no credit, when they do not think well of us, then we are more inclined to seek God Who sees our hearts.”

1-14- “Differences of feeling and opinion often divide friends and acquaintances, even those who are religious and devout.”

1-16- “Try to bear patiently with the defects and infirmities of others, whatever they may be, because you also have many a fault which others must endure.”

1-20- “If you withdraw yourself from unnecessary talking and idle running about, from listening to gossip and rumors, you will find enough time that is suitable for holy meditation…

“No man appears in safety before the public eye unless he first relishes obscurity. No men is safe in speaking unless he loves to be silent. No man rules safely unless he is willing to be ruled. No man commands safely unless he has learned well how to obey.”

1-23- “If you had a good conscience you would not fear death very much. It is better to avoid sin than to fear death. If you are not prepared today, how will you be prepared tomorrow? Tomorrow is an uncertain day; how do you know you will have a tomorrow?”

2-7- “You will quickly be deceived if you look only to the outward appearance of men, and you will often be disappointed if you seek comfort and gain in them. If, however, you seek Jesus in all things, you will surely find Him.”

2-11- “Jesus has always many who love His heavenly kingdom, but few who bear His cross… All desire to be happy with Him; few wish to suffer anything for Him.”

“When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips [and fingers] is prudent” (Proverbs 10:19).

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(Disclaimer- there are other parts of the book that have serious theological issues, and therefore I do not recommend it as devotional reading.)

 © 2020 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

War of Words

Thousands of new words and new definitions are added to English dictionaries each year. The Oxford English Dictionary online has over 600,000 words. There are reported to be over 7,000 languages in the world, not including dialects. Our understanding of words is influenced by our own background and beliefs. Many probably remember the presidential discussion, “What does ‘is’ mean?”

It’s little wonder that we have trouble understanding one another. In the Tower of Babel incident in Genesis 11, God said, “Come, let us go down and there confuse their language, so that they may not understand one another’s speech” (v. 7 ESV) We may think we’ve overcome that problem by creating dictionaries and training translators, but we still have difficulties. A recent Supreme Court ruling attempted to define what “sex” means in Title VII. Public opinion is divided as to whether they defined it correctly. That’s just one of myriads of words that get redefined based on what point one wants to make.

We all agree that words matter, and most of us want to use our words carefully in order to convey truth. But then we face Pilate’s question in John 18:38, “What is truth?” Paul told Timothy, “Charge them before God not to quarrel about words, which does no good, but only ruins the hearers” (2 Timothy 2:14). Yet it seems like that is a battle we are constantly facing even within the Church. Individual churches and denominations have split over the interpretation of words (and specifically the Word), and the Church is always in tension with culture because of our application of what we believe to be the Word of God.

In the turmoil of recent days, I’ve often been reminded of Ephesians 6:12, “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” What I hadn’t really noticed before is that the following verses have a lot to do with words. The armor of God includes the belt of truth, that shoes of the gospel of peace, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. That is followed by a reminder to persevere in prayer and Paul’s prayer request “that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel.” The truth of Scripture is both our protection and our message.

While we know that not everyone will listen or accept Scripture as having any authority, that does not negate our responsibility to proclaim God’s truth.

“For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God” (1 Corinthians 1:18).

“Therefore, having this ministry by the mercy of God, we do not lose heart… [By] the open statement of the truth we would commend ourselves to everyone’s conscience in the sight of God. And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. In their case the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of God. For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord” (2 Corinthians 4:1-5).

Until Jesus—the incarnate Word of God—returns, we must abide in His Word so that we will know the truth that sets us free (John 8:31), and we must share the truth with others so that they may find that same freedom in Christ. “For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart” (Hebrews 4:12).

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer” (Psalm 19:14).

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*I started reading Paul David Tripp’s book War on Words several days after writing this post, and found that he said some of the same things. No plagiarism was intended. 

Here’s something else I wrote on the armor of God.

© 2020 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Watch Out!

I can’t help but write what’s on my mind, and at the moment that the problem of anger. A few miles away a teen shot and killed another teen at school last week. I recently thought I might have to break up a fight between two women in the Walmart checkout line. I’ve gotten to where I hate to drive, because either I’m angering other drivers or they are angering me. Anger is not just a problem in the world but in the church too. People say or do things that cause conflict, perhaps intentionally, but often unintentionally—failing to talk to someone, assuming too much, pushing a person out of a job, etc. The color of the carpet, the music, and budget allocations have been known to cause church splits. James wrote,

“What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions” (James 4:1-3 ESV).

I had always read James 4:2-3 as instruction on prayer, but nowhere does James say that. Rather, might he be saying that if you would talk to the other person you would find no reason to covet and quarrel? So many conflicts could be avoided simply by communicating better. Most of us probably don’t murder or fight, but we’re experts at snide remarks and angry thoughts. Jesus said that “everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the fire of hell” (Matthew 5:22). I doubt that anyone is innocent under those criteria.

The Apostle Paul wrote,

“Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these... Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another” (Galatians 5:19-21a, 26).

I find it interesting that his list can almost be divided into two categories: lust and anger. I suspect that most pastors would also identify those as the two biggest areas of sin in their churches. The Apostle John summarized it this way, “For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from that Father but is from the world” (1 John 2:16).

Anger doesn’t occur in a vacuum. There is always some underlying cause, and often there are related emotional triggers—pride or shame, fear, jealousy, desire, prejudice, or some combination of those. David Powlison said “sinful anger is an expression of your playing God according to James 4:12. Who are you if you judge your brother? Who are you if you speak evil of him? Well, you are God. You are acting as though you are lawgiver and judge.” We believe we are god of something, so we balk at being dethroned.

Thinking of a recent situation that angered me, I realize it was a result of 1) lack of clear communication of purpose and expectations, and 2) jealousy over losing control of something that I once believed to be my domain (along with some other tangential issues). Some explanation helped, but more necessary is an ongoing surrender of my rights to rule or to judge others who do things differently. I know the world would be better if everyone would just do things my way! God must say the same thing every day about the choices that we make and the ways we try to take over His throne. One day the King will come and remind us all Who is really in charge.

“Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom... But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace” (James 3:13, 17-18).

© 2018 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

A Seasoned Word

In the midst of a tiring and frustrating week, month, and year, I was reminded of the power of the Word in our lives. The Apostle Paul wrote, “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God… Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person” (Colossians 3:16, 4:6 ESV). I started thinking about what I would like to hear from someone right now, so I reviewed some of my favorite verses and heard them as an encouraging word from a friend. I thought perhaps some other folks might be encouraged by these reminders as well.

“Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain” (1 Corinthians 15:58).

“For God is not unjust so as to overlook your work and the love that you have shown for His name in serving the saints, as you still do” (Hebrews 6:10).

“We give thanks to God always for all of you, constantly mentioning you in our prayers, remembering before our God and Father your work of faith and labor of love and steadfastness of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ” (1 Thessalonians 1:2-3).

“Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do His will, working in us that which is pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever” (Hebrews 13:20-21).

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever” (Psalm 73:26).

“[It] is God who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure” (Philippians 2:13).

“[I pray] that according to the riches of His glory He may grant you to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in your inner being” (Ephesians 3:16).

“Now may the Lord of peace Himself give you peace at all times in every way. The Lord be with you all” (2 Thessalonians 3:16).

“Now may our Lord Jesus Christ Himself, and God our Father, who loved us and gave us eternal comfort and good hope through grace, comfort your hearts and establish them in every good work and word” (2 Thessalonians 2:16-17).

We would all do well to let our words to one another be shaped by the Word of God.

© 2017 Dawn Rutan. 

Speak No Evil

A couple items I’ve encountered recently have focused my attention on how we use social media. The first was this cautionary article by Thom Rainer: http://thomrainer.com/2014/08/04/seven-warnings-church-leaders-use-social-media/ and the second was last Sunday’s sermon on church unity from 1 Corinthians 1:10-17. It’s made me reconsider some of the things I see on Facebook and particularly whether I should respond to someone else’s post or not. Here are some of the difficulties that I see:

Christians are by no means united in their beliefs, not just about basic theology, but about politics and all kinds of social issues. Is Facebook the best place to “discuss” such issues, by which I mean, is it the best place to state your personal opinion on a controversial issue and seek popular approval?

In addition, non-Christians (and many Christians) often don’t have a solid grasp of the differences between churches, denominations, parachurch organizations, or heretical teachers. As a result, a wide variety of people get lumped together. For some Franklin Graham may appear to be in the same boat with Creflo Dollar. Whether you agree with a nationally known person or not, taking sides either way may give false impressions to those who don’t understand the differences. A brief comment on social media is not adequate to clarify the underlying issues.

It’s tempting at times to share some celebrity’s public comment and criticize them for being too judgmental, but it appears to me that doing so only increases the judgmentalism being passed around. For example, you may not like their stance on homosexuality, but is it necessary to be publicly critical of them in order to state your own opinion? Jesus said, “By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35 ESV). Is it a good witness to publicly criticize fellow believers whether you agree with them or not?

Paul wrote:

• “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person” (Colossians 4:6).
• “Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity” (1 Timothy 4:12).
• “‘All things are lawful,’ but not all things are helpful. ‘All things are lawful,’ but not all things build up. Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor” (1 Corinthians 10:23-24).

The book of Proverbs is also full of wisdom about how we should use our words. I’m sure I’m not the only one who is disturbed by the frequency with which we publicly tear people down rather than building them up and seeking their good. This isn’t anything new, but social media has made it a lot more visible to a lot more people. But on the plus side, we also have a lot more opportunities to encourage one another, pray for one another, share the Good News, and spur one another on to love and good deeds.

I would suggest that believers should endeavor to maximize the benefits of social media rather than contributing to the divisive issues that are becoming our “trademark” in the world. May the world say of us, “See how they love one another!”