It All Adds Up

I keep a list of possible topics for my blog though I don’t often go back and use them. However, one caught my eye today— “Relationships are our greatest asset.” I think we can all agree that there are few blessings in life that are quite as valuable as our close relationships with friends and family. But from an accounting perspective, our greatest assets are also our greatest liabilities. Nothing hurts nearly as much as broken or wounded relationships. It’s also true that every relationship is unique. So when one relationship is hurt, although others can help to compensate for the loss, they never really replace the damaged one.

To toss in another accounting idea, we often forget about the return on investment for relationships. Close relationships require a significant investment of time and energy, especially at the beginning. Once that investment has been made then there is greater benefit experienced, and even small amounts of time with those we love are more valuable than longer periods with those we don’t yet know well. Oftentimes in the church it seems like we are unwilling to make the initial investment in relationships, so we never get the full benefit from our brothers and sisters in Christ that we could.

We also need to remember that all relationships require an ongoing investment of time. You can’t stop paying your insurance premiums and expect to keep the same level of benefit forever, and you can’t stop talking to your friends and expect the relationships to remain intact.

In a recent XPastor webinar, Warren Bird commented that “Trust is built in drops, but lost in buckets.” Although he was talking about organizational leadership, the same applies to individuals. We build trust in relationships slowly, but it can be lost very quickly by careless words, disagreements, and other challenges. When those buckets fall, it takes a new investment to rebuild what has been lost.

When it comes to relationships, I tend think of Job. It’s often been said that his friends did a good job before they started talking.

“Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this… they raised their voices and wept... and they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great” (2:11,13).

But once they started speculating on the reasons for his suffering, Job said,

“My relatives have failed me, my close friends have forgotten me… Have mercy on me, have mercy on me, O you my friends, for the hand of God has touched me!” (19:14, 21).

Having been through a variety of pains in relationships lately, it’s tempting to just quit on people. It’s hard to keep expending effort on those who never seem to respond. (I suppose many of those who are parents feel the same way.) Current culture tends to favor looking out for yourself and giving up on difficult relationships. But for Christians, since we’re commanded to love even our enemies (Matt. 5:44), pulling away from our Christian brothers and sisters is usually not an option. The only exception given in Scripture is for those who claim to be Christians but are living in ongoing, unrepentant sin (1 Cor. 5:11). It is far too easy in our “pick-a-church” culture to walk away when things get hard rather than enduring with one another and working through the hard times together. We are called to a higher standard of loving others as God loved us (1 John 4:9-11). May we all make the effort to do so!

“Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection... Live in harmony with one another... If possible so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Rom. 12:9-10, 16, 18).

© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Wrong Way

“There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Prov. 12:18).

I screwed up. I used rash, sarcastic words instead of loving, gracious words. I expressed my hurt and frustration in ways that hurt others. What I might have said instead in this particular situation— “I miss seeing the people I love and talking to them on a regular basis… I don’t like feeling invisible to those around me… I’m tired of feeling lonely but I don’t know how to connect with busy people…”

Feeling distant and unseen, my words only created greater distance. Feeling insecure, my words created greater insecurity. Feeling like I was on the outside looking in, my words only built the wall higher. Feeling confused about the state of the relationship, my words only made it more unclear.

Being Christian doesn’t mean we don’t make mistakes or that we don’t need to keep learning. But it does mean we need to face our mistakes and reconcile relationships. As this TGC article, “Battling Sinful Sarcasm” points out, our words can either hurt or heal, and we need to learn to evaluate them before they come out of our mouths or fingertips. Perhaps if I’d read this article when it came out 10 years ago, I wouldn’t have had to learn the lesson the hard way.

In a world of instant communication, where the rule is “post while it’s hot,” and where snark reigns supreme, it’s easy to forget that other people may not perceive things the way they are intended. And that kind of lazy communication has infiltrated verbal interactions as well. I’ll admit I’m not good at figuring out what other people are thinking, but now I see better that I can’t assume that they can read me either. It seems to me that most everyone needs training in interpersonal communication, and perhaps especially so in the church where we are to follow Scriptural commands such as:

“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person” (Col. 4:6).

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Eph. 4:29).

On the Ephesians verse, in the past I always thought of “corrupting talk” as referring to language that uses God’s name in vain or intentionally leads others into sin and condemnation. The Greek word can also be translated rotten, worthless, or useless. Most of the other places where it is used in the New Testament are Jesus’ references to bad fruit (Matt. 7:17-18 et al). Anything that bears bad fruit is corrupting God’s design for His world and His people. Our words are to build up, not tear down. They are to be full of grace and truth, not barbs and innuendo. They are to reflect how much we love one another.

In the devotional book Take Heart by David Powlison, the reading for April 20 includes this prayer:

“Our Father, please have mercy on us. We live so carelessly… Let us take seriously the delightful call of Christ, calling us out of darkness into light. Let us embrace your call in ways that are life rearranging, the call that we would become men and women who contribute to the quantum of light in the dark world, and don’t just bumble along as one more person stumbling through the darkness.”

“He who loves purity of heart, and whose speech is gracious, will have the king as his friend” (Prov. 22:11).

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Here’s a related post I wrote last year: https://mental3degree.blogspot.com/2022/08/fully-present.html

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© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Unmasking Forgiveness

Matthew 18:34-35 (ESV)- “And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. So also My heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”

Lloyd John Ogilvie writes in Autobiography of God:

“The word ‘heart’ is like a burred hook. We can’t slip off. We may say we forgive. We may conceptually forgive. But it is the vocation of the heart not to forget. Many of us say we will forgive but not forget. Or that we will forgive the person but not the deed. All are ways of evading the reproduction of the awesome completeness of God’s forgiveness of us… There are lots of people who need our forgiveness. Then there are those whom we have said we have forgiven but with whom we want nothing to do now. Cheap forgiveness! Verbalism without a vital, reconciled relationship…

“The parable of the unmerciful servant will become part of our character and response if we will take time to think about all the times the Lord has forgiven us. Write them down in a list. Then consider the people whom you have not forgiven. Be sure to list all the ones you have cut off because you do not trust what they will do even if you forgive.”

I’m not sure I can fully agree with Ogilvie on this, though perhaps that is due to a difference of vocabulary. What does it mean to forgive “from your heart”? I think there can be a desire to forgive and a conscious volition to forgive, but that does not necessarily translate into a “vital, reconciled relationship.” Forgiveness does not always mean a return to the same level of vulnerability that led to the broken relationship. A man who abuses his wife or child should not be quickly trusted in the future. A person who betrays a confidence should not then be privy to confidential matters.

Forgiveness does not always equal trust. Forgiveness is a choice to release the other person from condemnation and revenge. Reconciliation is a more relative term. The word reconcile means essentially “to bring back together.” But relationships are so fluid and complex that there is no status quo to return to. There can be a restoration of fellowship, but nothing ever remains the same. That’s not to say that it’s necessarily a worse relationship than before the conflict, but it is different simply because of the experience.

Matthew 5:23-24 says, “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” (I notice that it is the offender who is to seek reconciliation in this case.) Although this Scripture implies a quick process, nothing about forgiveness and reconciliation is quick or easy. Our reconciliation to God was not an easy process either. Jesus had to die to make it possible, and even then we may be reluctant converts and we definitely will make frequent blunders.

I was thinking about this in relation to the Lord’s Supper since that is on our church’s calendar for this week. Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 11:27-28, “Whoever, therefore, eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty concerning the body and blood of the Lord. Let a person examine himself, then, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup.” In this examination, how do we discern whether we have indeed forgiven our brother from the heart as Jesus instructed? Is it primarily an act of the will in choosing to forgive? Does a change of heart require renewed emotional ties, or is it simply the choice and desire to release the other person from judgment?

As I’ve written on other subjects, I don’t think we can place too much emphasis on emotions, particularly when it comes to our faith. Feelings may or may not reflect reality. I often don’t feel like I’ve been forgiven, and I may keep recalling the pain of how others have hurt me, but that doesn’t really reflect my heart’s desire to live in fellowship with God and others. I’ve been trying to memorize Romans 8 and several verses came to mind:

• v. 1- “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” –No matter what the conflict, I am not condemned before God because Jesus’ blood covers all my sin.
• v. 28- “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” –God can even use conflict, sin, and reconciliation for His good purposes of refining me and conforming me to the image of Jesus.
• vv. 38-39- “For I am sure that [nothing] in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” –His love endures through all trials and suffering, even those that are self-inflicted. 

This is one area where I definitely feel like an amateur. I don’t think I want to become an expert on forgiveness. That sounds too painful since it has to be learned by experience. A theology of forgiveness is only as good as its application.

“The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love… He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His steadfast love toward those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does He remove our transgressions from us.” –Psalm 103:8-12