Connections

Some people might understand my feelings lately that I struggle to know how to connect with people in reciprocal ways. Although I have some people that I consider close friends, I have no idea whether those people perceive the relationships the same way I do. For them I may an acquaintance, coworker, friend, or close friend, but I don’t know.

I’ve been watching some YouTube videos from autistic folks lately, particularly from Tony Attwood, and also from “Mom on the Spectrum.” She has two videos on autism and friendship. I could identify with much of what she talked about in terms of not understanding what people expect from relationships or how to communicate in ways that are understood from both sides. However, I think much of what was said could apply to most anyone who is an introvert or highly sensitive person: hating small talk, wanting deeper conversations and perhaps going too deep too fast, finding group settings draining as you try to understand and navigate varying expectations, etc. Taking such videos at face value, and realizing that many may be coming from self-diagnosed autistics, one might conclude that the spectrum is incredibly wide. I think it is indeed wider than many people realize, because of the stereotypes that are prevalent in society (think Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory). I believe there is value in the “neurodiversity” conversation, and that we should stop thinking in terms of “normal” and “abnormal.” But that's kind of a tangential issue. 

As I’ve said before, I think most people in modern society could use training in how to develop real relationships and communicate better. We’ve become so tech-driven and socially-distanced that all relationships are suffering. Chatting at the coffee pot or making plans to spend quality time with people outside our nuclear family have become exceptions rather than the rule. Those of us who are introverts, have social anxiety, and/or are unmarried are finding it harder and harder to connect with people, and many of us are suffering from loneliness in our isolation.

One of the issues I have is trying to figure out how to ask people for the relational interaction I want and need. I think this is particularly hard in church relationships because we’re constantly being told “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Phil. 2:3-4). I’ve always taken that to mean: never ask for help, never intrude on anyone else’s time and space, just do your job to serve other people and don’t expect anything in return. However, I would note a couple things:

1) Paul said “look not only to his own interests.” He didn’t say “Ignore your own interests.” Stewarding your time, energy, and relationships well shouldn’t have to mean burning out because you’ve given all you can and no one is feeding back into your life. Jesus quoted from Isaiah 42, “a bruised reed He will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not quench” (Matt. 12:20). When we are bruised and depleted, we need people who will help to hold us up. What we don’t need is another command to “think about others first.” (I hate the acronym “Jesus-Others-You,” and the way sayings like that are often used to shame people into serving others.) While I do think some of the conversations about “self-care” often turn into selfishness, we need to reframe the issues. Some authors have framed it this way: the choice is not just between selfishness and selflessness, but also includes self-awareness. Which brings me to my second observation:

2) We are all at different places in our daily walk with God. Some are experiencing times of weakness, while others are in times of strength. Some are great encouragers, others are great leaders, and others are great at serving others. Some currently have many demands on their time and energy, while others have more freedom, and some people simply have more energy to begin with. And some people find relationships easier to navigate than others do. There is no single standard for what loving and serving one another should look like. And that’s why we belong to the Body of Christ, where all our gifts, abilities, and personalities should come together and we “encourage one another and build one another up” (1 Thess. 5:11), each in our unique ways. Looking to the interests of others ought to mean “What do I currently have to contribute and how might that benefit a particular person or group? And where am I weak that I need others to help and support me right now?”

Admittedly, our perceptions of our own wants and needs can be tainted by sin, but that doesn’t mean we totally ignore our feelings of weakness and depletion. We are human beings who are made to need one another, not automatons that can run continuously without recharging. I would suggest that this misperception is a prime factor in pastoral burnout as well as people leaving the church. True, church is not “all about me,” but I am one of the “one anothers” who needs the church just as much as it needs me.

“In [Christ] the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord. In Him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit” (Eph. 2:21-22).

© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Wrong Way

“There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing” (Prov. 12:18).

I screwed up. I used rash, sarcastic words instead of loving, gracious words. I expressed my hurt and frustration in ways that hurt others. What I might have said instead in this particular situation— “I miss seeing the people I love and talking to them on a regular basis… I don’t like feeling invisible to those around me… I’m tired of feeling lonely but I don’t know how to connect with busy people…”

Feeling distant and unseen, my words only created greater distance. Feeling insecure, my words created greater insecurity. Feeling like I was on the outside looking in, my words only built the wall higher. Feeling confused about the state of the relationship, my words only made it more unclear.

Being Christian doesn’t mean we don’t make mistakes or that we don’t need to keep learning. But it does mean we need to face our mistakes and reconcile relationships. As this TGC article, “Battling Sinful Sarcasm” points out, our words can either hurt or heal, and we need to learn to evaluate them before they come out of our mouths or fingertips. Perhaps if I’d read this article when it came out 10 years ago, I wouldn’t have had to learn the lesson the hard way.

In a world of instant communication, where the rule is “post while it’s hot,” and where snark reigns supreme, it’s easy to forget that other people may not perceive things the way they are intended. And that kind of lazy communication has infiltrated verbal interactions as well. I’ll admit I’m not good at figuring out what other people are thinking, but now I see better that I can’t assume that they can read me either. It seems to me that most everyone needs training in interpersonal communication, and perhaps especially so in the church where we are to follow Scriptural commands such as:

“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person” (Col. 4:6).

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (Eph. 4:29).

On the Ephesians verse, in the past I always thought of “corrupting talk” as referring to language that uses God’s name in vain or intentionally leads others into sin and condemnation. The Greek word can also be translated rotten, worthless, or useless. Most of the other places where it is used in the New Testament are Jesus’ references to bad fruit (Matt. 7:17-18 et al). Anything that bears bad fruit is corrupting God’s design for His world and His people. Our words are to build up, not tear down. They are to be full of grace and truth, not barbs and innuendo. They are to reflect how much we love one another.

In the devotional book Take Heart by David Powlison, the reading for April 20 includes this prayer:

“Our Father, please have mercy on us. We live so carelessly… Let us take seriously the delightful call of Christ, calling us out of darkness into light. Let us embrace your call in ways that are life rearranging, the call that we would become men and women who contribute to the quantum of light in the dark world, and don’t just bumble along as one more person stumbling through the darkness.”

“He who loves purity of heart, and whose speech is gracious, will have the king as his friend” (Prov. 22:11).

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Here’s a related post I wrote last year: https://mental3degree.blogspot.com/2022/08/fully-present.html

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© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Can I Get a Witness?

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us” (Heb. 12:1).

I think many Christians misunderstand the “cloud of witnesses” in this verse. I’ve written about this before (here), but I think it bears repeating often. The author of Hebrews is not just referring to the believers who have died before us. (If you believe in sleep of the dead, then those people are not watching us right now.) You could make a case that our predecessors are witnesses in the sense that their stories bear witness to the work of God in their lives, and therefore we can draw encouragement from them. That would certainly follow the theme of the Hall of Faith in chapter 11.

However, I think there is an equally valid interpretation that the witnesses are those who are currently running the race of faith with us. (And who’s to say there can’t be multiple meanings in the same verse? After all, God is the master Author.) In Hebrews 10:24-25 we are reminded, “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.”

We need each other in the family of God. Christian community is not simply a nice side dish—it is the main course, one of the primary reasons for the entity we call the Church (Acts 2:42-47). Through the bond of Christian fellowship, we encourage one another to hold onto the faith, we exhort each other to keep pursuing holiness, we bear one another’s burdens and lift each other up with prayer, we support one another in ministry, and our love for one another bears witness of our faith to unbelievers. On our own, every one of us is weak and vulnerable to sin, denial, and foolishness.

Jesus said, “This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:12-13; see also 1 John 3:16). We tend to read this through the eyes of martyrdom, and certainly Jesus exemplified the ultimate sacrifice. But how ready are we to lay down our daily lives for one another—our time, our personal wishes, and our to-do lists? There are things that are far more important than a clean house, groomed yard, or meeting a deadline.

I find myself writing often about true community because I think the Church in general, and particularly in Western culture, is often very inept and in fact disobedient when it comes to following through with the “one another” commands. We are far too independent-minded for our own good. People are suffering in silence and isolation, and some of their lives end in suicide because they have no one who will help to hold them up and give them reason to endure. 

I’ve been in counseling in the past, and there are good reasons for seeing a professional counselor, but there would be a lot less need for paid professionals if Christians were doing all that the Bible tells us to do for one another. Most of us don’t need advice so much as we need a listening ear and embracing arms. Many, if not most, churches need to do a much better job of surrounding every member with that great cloud of witnesses, not just on Sunday morning but every day and night of the week.

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity… There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” (Prov. 17:17, 18:24).

© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

In His Image

In my Bible reading this year I have arrived at Exodus 20 and the Ten Commandments. In the first two commandments, God tells Moses:

“You shall have no other gods before Me.

“You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate Me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love Me and keep My commandments” (vv. 3-6).

As it happens, a devotional book I’ve been reading also touched on these verses. I won’t name the book or author as I’ve become increasingly skeptical of his theology the more I read. He comments,

“…practices of hanging pictures of Jesus on the wall, plastering Christian symbols on our cars, and wearing jewelry with religious symbols is actually heresy. It violates a very specific command of God to make no images” (italics in original).

While I would generally agree with him about images of Jesus (none of us know what He looked like anyhow), I think he’s reading too much into the text to forbid all types of images and symbols. The command in Exodus has a specific application that is mentioned directly in the text: “You shall not bow down to them.” In verse 23 God repeats, “You shall not make gods of silver to be with Me, nor shall you make for yourselves gods of gold.” (See also Lev. 26:1.) Of course, we know that the Israelites immediately disobeyed by making the golden calf. “They have turned aside quickly out of the way that I commanded them” (32:8).

Just a few chapters after the Ten Commandments, God gave instructions for building the Ark of the Covenant, which included images of cherubs (ch. 25). And when Israel started building the Temple in 1 Kings 7, there were plenty of artistic decorations—pomegranates (v. 18), gourds (v. 24), and oxen (v. 25), along with a special place for the Ark of the Covenant. Clearly God was not prohibiting all carved images, but the worship of them. In Numbers 21, God commanded Moses to make the image of a bronze serpent on a pole by which people could be saved if they were bitten by a snake. It was later destroyed (2 Kings 18) because people were starting to worship it.

We do need to be careful that our manmade images are not becoming idols that we substitute for God. They can be reminders of God if they direct our attention to God, not to themselves. I was disturbed this week to hear a caller to the Christian radio station refer to her “plushy Jesus.” Just the way she talked about it made me say “That’s idolatry!” I don’t know who created such a thing, but I would bet it was a non-Christian marketing opportunist.

If no images are allowed at all, there are a lot of Christian artists who will be called to account. But that does not seem likely given the rest of Scripture. Most of us in Western culture are probably in greater danger of idolizing our money, family, and possessions than we are of worshiping the art and Christian symbols we have around us. Many things both good and bad can become idols, but not all of them do. “But take care that this right of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak” (1 Cor. 8:9).

“Beware lest you raise your eyes to heaven, and when you see the sun and the moon and the stars, all the host of heaven, you be drawn away and bow down to them and serve them” (Deut. 4:19a).

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PS: I found this image online and was dumbfounded at the error. What did they miss?

© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Do They Know?

Down the road there is a sign in someone’s yard that says, “As in the days of Noah—are you ready?” Every time I see it I wonder how many people have any clue what it’s referring to. Even Christians may not recognize it as a quote from Jesus: “Just as it was in the days of Noah, so will it be in the days of the Son of Man. They were eating and drinking and marrying and being given in marriage, until the day when Noah entered the ark, and the flood came and destroyed them all” (Luke 17:26-27). In short, just as the flood came and killed many people who weren’t expecting it, one day Jesus will return and will judge everyone. True believers will be granted eternal life, while the unrighteous will face destruction.

Another sign that sometimes makes me wonder is the “John 3:16” board that shows up at many sporting events. While I’m glad that some people are trying to spread the Gospel, I wonder how many of the non-Christian viewers have any idea what John 3:16 says, much less what it means. Maybe some curious few will google it and eventually come to faith, though I wouldn’t exactly call that an effective tool for evangelism. The “He Gets Us” ad campaign is another “pre-evangelism” approach that seems to fall somewhat short.

We are living in an increasingly post-Christian world. Even those of us who live in the Bible belt should recognize that our culture is not what it used to be. Biblical illiteracy is climbing, not just in society, but even among those associated with the church. The statistics on Bible reading and church attendance keep declining. As such, we need to adjust our assumptions about what people know or understand about Scripture and faith. We can’t simply use churchy terminology or quote Scripture out of context and without explanation.

Many years around Lent and Easter I remember one of my junior high teachers who was Catholic, and on Ash Wednesday he came to school with ashes on his forehead. Students asked him about it, which allowed him to explain his beliefs. One student asked, “What does it mean to be saved? What are people saved from?” At the time (in the late 80s), I was a little bit surprised because I thought most people had at least some idea what the Gospel was about, even though I knew many of my classmates did not attend church. Imagine how that conversation might go these days!

As churches gather this Easter Sunday, we know there will be many “Christmas and Easter” visitors, along with others who perhaps have never been to church at all. It is an opportunity to present the good news of salvation through Jesus Christ in clear and simple terms, in ways that can spark the curiosity of those who need to hear more. I don’t want to downplay the celebratory aspects of our services, but think how much greater the celebration would be if many people heard and responded to the Gospel for the first time on Easter Sunday? After all, that is why Jesus came!

“I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance” (Luke 15:7).

© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Where's This Going?

I’ve been reading lately in Genesis and Exodus, and the thought crossed my mind—once the famine was over, why didn’t Jacob’s family return to the land that had been promised to him (Gen. 28:15)? The primary answer may be that once Jacob died his sons didn’t feel any tie to the land, so they decided to stay in Egypt where the living seemed good. But the greater reason wasn’t revealed for a few centuries. God told Moses to proclaim to Pharaoh, “For this purpose I have raised you up, to show you My power, so that My name may be proclaimed in all the earth” (Ex. 9:16).

In a seminar he taught on Genesis 39, Russell Moore brought out an idea from an unnamed Catholic philosopher, that what happened to Joseph is part of the broader story—if Joseph’s robe hadn’t torn when Potiphar’s wife grabbed him, he wouldn’t have landed in prison where he interpreted dreams that led him to become Pharaoh’s aid, so that he could save his family during the famine, so that the exodus showed God’s power and brought Israel into the Promised Land, where the town of Bethlehem was settled, where Jesus was born, so that He could go to the cross, die, and be resurrected, so that we might have eternal life. “All of the Gospel then was dependent on how well one tailor sewed a robe.”

Of course, there are a lot of other details before, during, and after that list of events that all contribute to where we each are today as members of God’s family and His Church on earth. And probably all along the way people have wondered what God is doing and why things are happening as they are. We often can’t see how our individual stories connect with God’s overarching story of creation, fall, redemption, and restoration. This may be increasingly true the longer we wait for the Second Coming. Even when the Church was launched almost 2000 years ago, they thought the end was very near. Now we may wonder what the delay is and what purpose our lives serve to keep the story moving toward its ultimate consummation.

We need to revisit the narrative of Scripture frequently to remind us that God’s plan is far bigger than our own brief lives. Eugene Peterson wrote,

“This history is important, for without it we are at the mercy of whims. Memory is a databank we use to evaluate our position and make decisions. With a biblical memory we have two thousand years of experience… If we are going to live adequately and maturely as the people of God, we need more data to work from than our own experience can give us… If we never learn how to do this—extend the boundaries of our lives beyond the dates enclosed by our birth and death and acquire an understanding of God’s way as something larger and more complete than the anecdotes of our private diaries—we will forever be missing the point… For Christian faith cannot be comprehended by examining an Instamatic flash picture… it is a full revelation of a vast creation and a grandly consummated redemption” (A Long Obedience in the Same Direction, 160-164).

The things we do and experience today or tomorrow may seem purposeless and irrelevant in the grand scheme of life. Perhaps one way to look at it (and one I need to employ more often) is to ask, “How might this small task benefit God’s work in my church, my friends, my family, my own life, etc.?” As the old proverb goes, what consequences might ensue for want of a nail? What nail can you contribute today to serve God’s purpose in moving this battle on to its final conclusion?

“[God] saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of His own purpose and grace, which He gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began” (2 Tim. 1:9).

© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

How Do I Love Thee?

Most folks are probably aware of Gary Chapman’s 1992 book, The Five Love Languages and its sequels. He lists five primary ways in which people give and receive expressions of love: 1) words of affirmation, 2) acts of service, 3) gifts, 4) quality time, and 5) physical touch. I ran across a couple articles recently that got me thinking about that again.

The author of the first article had done an informal survey which showed that most people receive or experience love most through quality time, but give mostly through acts of service. I’d say that is true for me as well. But it made me wonder—if most of us want quality time with the people we love, why is it that we don’t actually do that very well or very frequently? The answer, of course, is busyness. We are either too busy, or we think that others are too busy, so we don’t make the effort to find that time together that we desire. And I think that also points to why we offer love through acts of service as well, because at some level we think “Maybe I can’t spend time with that person right now, but I can do something for them. And if I do something for them, maybe it will allow time and opportunity for quality time together.” The other languages of gifts, touch, and words of affirmation seem more fleeting, and therefore less valuable.

That brings me to the second article, David Powlison’s critique of the book. He raises several good points, but perhaps the biggest problem we all deal with is that we can become entirely self-centered in pursuit of what we think we need from others. I can certainly attest to that. When I don’t get the personal interaction I think I need, I can become snarky, suspicious of others, and judgmental. It irritates me when the only conversations I have some days consist almost entirely of “Good morning” and “See you tomorrow.” I forget about endeavoring to love others regardless of whether I feel loved or not. Powlison points out,

“Chapman… exalts the observation that ‘even tax collectors, gentiles, and sinners love those who love them’ (Matt. 5:46f; Luke 6:32ff) into his guiding principle for human relationships… Fallenness not only brings ignorance about how best to love others; it brings a perverse unwillingness and inability to love. It ingrains the perception that our lusts are in fact needs, empty places inside where others have disappointed us… Chapman never deals with the fact that even desires for good things can still be evil desires in God’s analysis of what makes us tick.”

Ouch! How often are our desires sinfully motivated? How often do our words and actions try to manipulate others for our own benefit? Even something good like writing sermons (or blog posts!) can become opportunities to exalt self and to point the finger at those who don’t measure up to our standards.

While it can be helpful to understand human perceptions and desires so that we can communicate love in ways that others will appreciate, our efforts need to be shaped first and foremost by Scripture. Love includes giving sacrificially to those in need, extending hospitality, embracing others, and encouraging the weak and weary. But it also includes confronting sin, saying no to lesser gods, and sometimes disfellowshipping the unrepentant. We are even called to “love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return” (Luke 6:35), knowing that our reward comes not from mankind but from our Father in heaven.

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:34-35).

© 2023 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.