Whatcha Thinking?

A couple books I’ve been reading lately have challenged me to think about thinking. It’s so easy to fall into the cycle of negative thinking and not even realize it. John Ortberg wrote:

“You can’t stop thinking wrong thoughts by trying harder to not think them, but you can do something else. You can ‘set your mind,’ for the most basic power you have over your mind is that you can choose what you pay attention to” (The Me I Want to Be).

Leslie Vernick put it this way:

“Once we become aware of our negative thoughts or feelings we often try to suppress them because we don’t like having them. Other times we acknowledge they are there but feel guilty or shamed because of them. The result is that now our original emotions are compounded with additional toxic feelings and negative thoughts” (Lord, I Just Want to Be Happy).

One morning recently I woke up long before my alarm, so I lay there for a couple hours trying to occupy my mind with good things like Scripture and prayer. I was doing okay for awhile, but then my brain latched onto a negative subject that I really didn’t want to think about, and I found myself getting angry. Eventually the only solution was to read a few chapters of Genesis until I could relax and go back to sleep. Ironically, while I felt like a slave to my brain, it was the story of Joseph being sold into slavery and ending up in prison that came up in my reading schedule. Somehow in the midst of terrible circumstances, he apparently kept his mind on holy things and remained faithful to God.

When there are truly difficult situations, it’s hard to discern exactly what you can and should think or say. You can’t live in denial and pretend everything is fine when it’s not. But you also can’t obsess over it constantly and analyze every worst-case scenario. I imagine Joseph wondered if he would ever get out of jail after having been framed by his boss’s wife. Perhaps he feared that his childhood dreams would not come true, or maybe he clung to them in faith that God would provide a way.

The Apostle Paul made several comments about our thought life:

• Colossians 3:2 (ESV)- “Set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.”
• Philippians 4:8- “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”
• Romans 12:2- “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”
• 2 Corinthians 10:3-5- “For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.”

Obviously we do have the power to choose what we will dwell on, though that might be difficult at times and can even be a battle of spiritual warfare. Our enemy would be glad for us to waste time and energy thinking about failure, pain, and resentment. One of the ways we can fight that battle is to choose gratitude. Henri Nouwen wrote:

“Gratitude as a discipline involves a conscious choice. I can choose to be grateful even when my emotions and feelings are still steeped in hurt and resentment. It is amazing how many occasions present themselves in which I can choose gratitude instead of complaint. I can choose to be grateful when I am criticized, even when my heart still responds in bitterness. I can choose to speak about goodness and beauty, even when my inner eye still looks for someone to accuse or something to call ugly” (as quoted by Vernick).

While it’s not always true that positive actions and words will produce positive thoughts and emotions, it certainly can help over time. Households and businesses would quickly deteriorate if people only did things when they felt like it. Since most of our thoughts involve relationships, it’s an ongoing process of loving people in word, in deed, and in truth.

I had never noticed before that following the description of godly love in 1 Corinthians 13 comes this verse: “When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways” (v. 11). Love should somehow inform the way we mature in our thought processes. I can quickly recall many times when my thoughts have been childish and petty, and I would hate for anyone to judge my level of maturity by such thoughts. Thankfully God doesn’t leave us in our immaturity, but keeps refining us through the trials and difficulties of this life.

“Brothers, do not be children in your thinking. Be infants in evil, but in your thinking be mature.” -1 Corinthians 14:20

Three Sheepish Questions

I had thought perhaps I would have nothing to post this week, but an impulsive decision to pick up a book from the church library changed that (and I came home with two books instead).

I was thinking about what it means for us to be sheep under God’s care, and wanted to revisit While Shepherds Watch Their Flocks, by Tim Laniak. In the first chapter he quotes Deuteronomy 8:2-3 (ESV):

“And you shall remember the whole way that the Lord your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that He might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart... And He humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna... that He might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.”

That led me to the question— What hunger is God allowing in my life right now in order to make me realize my need for what He alone can provide?

A similar thought came from the second book I picked up, Lord, I Just Want to Be Happy, by Leslie Vernick (p. 35):

“Whether we realize it or not, many of us are captive to the lie that something other than God will bring us happiness and fulfill our longings. When we put our hope in or expect something or someone other than him to fill us and make us happy, he will surely frustrate us. But he doesn’t do it to punish us. He does it to rescue us from our disordered attachments and delusions, and from ourselves. God promises to meet our needs—but what we feel we need, and what we truly need, may be very different.”

So I come to another variation of the question— What are the false expectations that I need to let go of in order to find God’s provision to be sufficient?

And in another book I’m rereading, John Ortberg lists in The Me I Want to Be several counterfeit “me’s” that we fall prey to, including the “me” I think I should be and the “me” others expect me to be. I’ve been reminded that many of the expectations I place on myself have nothing to do with God’s desires for me. I mistakenly think I should be a certain way or do certain things to fulfill what I think others are expecting of me, and heaven forbid that I should say No or admit that I can’t do everything.

Thus my third variation of the question is— What does God really expect of me and how do I live accordingly?

Those three questions are probably ones we should all consider at times. They can help us align our priorities with God’s, reduce some of our anxieties, and perhaps even lead to greater peace and joy. I don’t know how others might answer those questions. I thought of a few specific examples of things I’ve been dealing with lately:

1) The lie: I need to resolve this situation by myself in a way that doesn’t cost the company money.

The truth: I need to admit that I’m stressed and I don’t know what to do and remember that this is not ultimately my responsibility. The company, the money, and the problem are all in God’s hands. It may be more important for me to remember that I am not autonomous than it is for us to save a little money. It’s also more important for us to honor God with our actions than to pinch pennies.

2) The lie: I need to provide every detail of information on this subject in order to protect people.

The truth: I will do my best and provide what I know, but I will never have all the knowledge I think I need or the ability to make others heed it. There are people far more qualified to answer most questions, and I can only urge people to find the best resources available.

3) The lie: I need to be victorious over depression in order to be a good witness.

The truth: God doesn’t need me to be fixed, perfect, or even okay. He can use me for His purposes no matter what. Although I may not be a good example of endurance, I am learning to endure. And though my faith is often weak it is growing.

Some of the things I need to let go of in order to trust the provision of the Good Shepherd are my pride, perfectionism, and performance. God doesn’t need me to have all the answers, because He has them already. God doesn’t intend for me to be autonomous, but He gave me a place in the Body of Christ. In order to live under His shepherding I need to admit my weakness, ask for help, and accept the grace and mercy that is all around.

I don’t think this is the end of the subject for me. It’s something I need to keep wrestling with every day in order to become the me God has created me to be.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” –Psalm 139:23-24

All or None

As I’m reading through the Psalms again, one particular word caught my attention in Psalm 25—“all.” It occurs a few times, but the first one I noticed was verse 10, “All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness…” (ESV). Not just a few or some, but all. Even though I fully believe in the sovereignty of God, I sometimes find myself thinking that God has had to switch to plan B or plan Z in reaction to something that has happened. But the fact is that He knows the end from the beginning (including my sin!), so He’s never reactionary. He knows each step of the path He has planned for me and therefore I can trust that His path is indeed “steadfast love and faithfulness.”

Psalm 139:16 is a good reminder, “In Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” Psalm 145:17 gives another clarification, “The Lord is righteous in all His ways and kind in all His works,” and yet it’s not always easy to trust His plans. I can only imagine the peace it would bring to always believe that He knows, He cares, and He’s got it under control. Matthew Henry’s commentary on Psalm 25 says,

“All the paths of the Lord, that is, all his promises and all his providences, are mercy and truth. In all God’s dealings, his people may see his mercy displayed, and his word fulfilled, whatever afflictions they are now exercised with. All the paths of the Lord are mercy and truth; and so it will appear when they come to their journey’s end.”

That brings me back to verse 5, “Lead me in Your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; for You I wait all the day long.” There’s another “all” that I need to remember. I know my patience is short, especially when it comes to waiting on God. I don’t want to wait even a few hours, much less days or weeks or years. Besides waiting for direction, I’m left waiting for an explanation from God, but that’s not likely to be forthcoming in this life. He’s more interested in building my faith than in answering my questions.

In The Wounded Woman: Hope and Healing for Those Who Hurt, the authors write:

“Each and every difficulty is a test to determine our patience, courage, character, determination, and faith. Sometimes we handle our challenges well, sometimes we don’t… Without wounds, my faith remains untested. And without moving forward, my faith will be unrewarded.”

The test that comes with my current path is not for God’s knowledge, but for my own understanding. And as I realize my weaknesses, I know my need for Him better. When I’m sufficient in my own strength, or believe that I am strong in a particular area, God can’t use that for His glory. But when the test reveals how short I fall, God has the opportunity to pick me up and reveal His own strength and character. It’s then that I remember verse 18, “Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins,” including the sin of thinking more highly of myself than I should and thinking too little of God.

“Indeed, none who wait for You shall be put to shame…” (v. 3). That’s the kind of all or nothing thinking that I need to embrace, as opposed to thinking that I’ve got it all together, or that God isn’t always steadfastly loving and faithful. If I expect God (and man) to act in ways I can understand and predict, I am sure to be disappointed repeatedly. But if I can trust that “All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness,” no matter what they may look like to me, I can rest in His providence.

As is often the case, this is a lesson in progress, and I don’t know how well I’m learning it because the test isn’t over yet. In the meantime, here are a couple more “alls” to hold onto:

“The Lord upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down… The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear Him; He also hears their cry and saves them.” –Psalm 145:14, 17-18

Love in Action

I was reminded last week of the decades-long discussion of the “Five Love Languages” as outlined by Gary Chapman—words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch—reminding us that we don’t always “hear” love in the way that others may choose to express it. Charles Stanley has a similar list of “Ten Terms for Effective Service” in his recent book Emotions, and I think it’s worth sharing this extended quote as reminders of ways we can show love to one another (plus this just happens to go along with Sunday's sermon):

"1. Verbally

Tell people what you admire and appreciate about them—they need to hear it. In fact, many of the individuals you know may be under terrible pressure and emotional distress and need the encouragement. So remind them of God’s love and provision, and convey your concern for their well-being.

2. Physically

You may come into contact with people who are anxious for someone to lend them a hand. Don’t turn them away. Often what is needed is a caring hug or a simple act of service. Help them in the name of Jesus (Matt. 5:41-42).

3. Patiently

You know how hard it is to change your thinking when your emotions are out of control. It may take a long time to get through to some people with the truth of God’s Word. But instead of giving up, continue to pray for them faithfully. You’ll see it is absolutely worth it when they finally embrace His love and follow Him in obedience.

4. Gratefully

The truth is, you will find that some individuals are challenging to minister to—their emotional bondage is incredibly deep and their defenses are extremely difficult to overcome. Ask the Father to fill you with His love for them and help you to understand their burdens. Ask Him to fill your heart with gratefulness, then thank Him for the opportunity to encourage that hurting soul.

5. Generously

When was the last time you gave freely to another person simply because you cared? Remember, God blesses us so that we might bless others. Keep your eyes open for ways to show people His provision through sacrificial giving and express your affection to them with all generosity (1 Tim. 6:18).

6. Tenderly

Now that you know the warning signs of fear, rejection, bitterness, guilt, and despair; be sensitive to other people’s emotions and pay careful attention to what they tell you. Many people have come to know Jesus as their Savior because a friend took the time to listen to them and genuinely care about their concerns.

7. Forgivingly

When you begin to feel angry or resentful toward the people the Lord has called you to encourage, remember how many times God has forgiven you. Always show compassion. You may not be able to control how others treat you, but you can choose to respond to them in a manner that honors the Father.

8. Devotedly

When you are dedicated to someone, you support and defend them when they face adversity and their emotions are especially raw. You don’t abandon them when challenges or problems arise. Therefore, stand by others in their time of need. They will appreciate your loyalty, and your friendship will go a long way in helping them heal.

9. Cheerfully

Be sure to stay positive and remind others of all the Lord’s promises to them—especially when their emotions are out of control or particularly negative. Through Christ, there is always hope, regardless of the circumstances. Do your best to help others cling to that truth whenever they go through trials or experience suffering.

10. Honorably

Nothing blesses a person more than when you walk in the center of God’s will and allow Him to work through you. Therefore, always make your relationship with the Father your first priority. He will guide you in how to best minister to and bless those around you" (pp. 283-286).

“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.” -1 John 4:7

Unmasking Forgiveness

Matthew 18:34-35 (ESV)- “And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. So also My heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”

Lloyd John Ogilvie writes in Autobiography of God:

“The word ‘heart’ is like a burred hook. We can’t slip off. We may say we forgive. We may conceptually forgive. But it is the vocation of the heart not to forget. Many of us say we will forgive but not forget. Or that we will forgive the person but not the deed. All are ways of evading the reproduction of the awesome completeness of God’s forgiveness of us… There are lots of people who need our forgiveness. Then there are those whom we have said we have forgiven but with whom we want nothing to do now. Cheap forgiveness! Verbalism without a vital, reconciled relationship…

“The parable of the unmerciful servant will become part of our character and response if we will take time to think about all the times the Lord has forgiven us. Write them down in a list. Then consider the people whom you have not forgiven. Be sure to list all the ones you have cut off because you do not trust what they will do even if you forgive.”

I’m not sure I can fully agree with Ogilvie on this, though perhaps that is due to a difference of vocabulary. What does it mean to forgive “from your heart”? I think there can be a desire to forgive and a conscious volition to forgive, but that does not necessarily translate into a “vital, reconciled relationship.” Forgiveness does not always mean a return to the same level of vulnerability that led to the broken relationship. A man who abuses his wife or child should not be quickly trusted in the future. A person who betrays a confidence should not then be privy to confidential matters.

Forgiveness does not always equal trust. Forgiveness is a choice to release the other person from condemnation and revenge. Reconciliation is a more relative term. The word reconcile means essentially “to bring back together.” But relationships are so fluid and complex that there is no status quo to return to. There can be a restoration of fellowship, but nothing ever remains the same. That’s not to say that it’s necessarily a worse relationship than before the conflict, but it is different simply because of the experience.

Matthew 5:23-24 says, “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” (I notice that it is the offender who is to seek reconciliation in this case.) Although this Scripture implies a quick process, nothing about forgiveness and reconciliation is quick or easy. Our reconciliation to God was not an easy process either. Jesus had to die to make it possible, and even then we may be reluctant converts and we definitely will make frequent blunders.

I was thinking about this in relation to the Lord’s Supper since that is on our church’s calendar for this week. Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 11:27-28, “Whoever, therefore, eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty concerning the body and blood of the Lord. Let a person examine himself, then, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup.” In this examination, how do we discern whether we have indeed forgiven our brother from the heart as Jesus instructed? Is it primarily an act of the will in choosing to forgive? Does a change of heart require renewed emotional ties, or is it simply the choice and desire to release the other person from judgment?

As I’ve written on other subjects, I don’t think we can place too much emphasis on emotions, particularly when it comes to our faith. Feelings may or may not reflect reality. I often don’t feel like I’ve been forgiven, and I may keep recalling the pain of how others have hurt me, but that doesn’t really reflect my heart’s desire to live in fellowship with God and others. I’ve been trying to memorize Romans 8 and several verses came to mind:

• v. 1- “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” –No matter what the conflict, I am not condemned before God because Jesus’ blood covers all my sin.
• v. 28- “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” –God can even use conflict, sin, and reconciliation for His good purposes of refining me and conforming me to the image of Jesus.
• vv. 38-39- “For I am sure that [nothing] in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” –His love endures through all trials and suffering, even those that are self-inflicted. 

This is one area where I definitely feel like an amateur. I don’t think I want to become an expert on forgiveness. That sounds too painful since it has to be learned by experience. A theology of forgiveness is only as good as its application.

“The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love… He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His steadfast love toward those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does He remove our transgressions from us.” –Psalm 103:8-12

Strength in Depression

I’m posting the following as sort of a Public Service Announcement. I’ve always heard about the “stigma” of mental illness, but until recently I was only aware of it in a vague sense, as in feeling like I don’t quite fit in culture’s standards for happiness. For a long time I didn’t really talk about depression, not necessarily because of some perceived stigma, but because I didn’t think it was anybody’s business. Now I figure that I may at least be able to use my experience to help others understand and cope with their own or a loved one’s illness.

My perception changed a bit recently when someone made a comment about not wanting to add to my depression by adding to my stress. Thinking about it later, I realized that depression is not well understood if people believe that it is always reactionary. This particular website provides a quick summary of the many types of depression, and reactive depression is only one of them: http://www.promises.com/articles/depression-articles/depression-is-not-a-sign-of-weakness/

Speaking for myself, most of my episodes of severe depression have been unrelated to life circumstances. I’ve had times of major depression when all outward circumstances have been favorable. The most frustrating part of this illness is its unpredictability. If I knew what caused it, I could do something to try to fix it. But when there is no known cause, all I can do is wait it out and continue to pursue all the medical recommendations like staying on medication, eating right, exercising, getting sunlight, and spending time with close friends. The episode may pass in days or may linger for months, and there’s not much I can do about it. In my experience, the stigma is not so much an active aversion to people with mental illness (although I’m sure that does happen in some cases), but a lack of understanding and an uncertainty of how to interact or to help.

As the title of the above article states, “Depression is not a sign of weakness.” Googling that phrase will bring up an abundance of articles refuting that myth. A common phrase that comes up is “Depression is not a sign of weakness, it means you have been trying to be strong for far too long.” I’d have to say that I agree with that in general. From a biological perspective, enduring high levels of stress in childhood can condition the body to handle a lot of stress, but not in the ways it should, resulting in a chemically induced depression. And relationally, that same childhood stress can teach young people to rely solely on themselves and to distrust others, which can also contribute to later depression.

Among those I know who struggle with depression, I see people who are strong, independent, capable, and high achievers in whatever they pursue. So it bothers me to hear depression correlated with weakness and used as a basis for judging a person’s ability to handle stress. While that may be true in some cases and situations, it is by no means universal to those who suffer from depression.

My suggestion for interacting with friends or loved ones with a history of depression is pretty simple—don’t assume anything. When in doubt ask questions, but realize that we may not always be able to answer those questions.

• Is there something specific bothering you? –I don’t think so.
• Is there anything I can do to help? –Not that I know of.
• Can I pray for/with you? –Absolutely!

I would also suggest that even if there is an element of reactive depression, it’s better to know something is coming than to be surprised with bad news. Like a parent whose child has a major illness, it’s best to know the probabilities and prognosis from the beginning so you can better prepare for the road ahead—mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. We all need time to process difficult news and figure out how to cope with the next steps.

Recently I’ve seen a couple comments on Facebook that “there’s nothing that can disturb you unless you let it” and “you choose your mood.” While it’s true that you can choose to a degree how you are going to respond to something, clinical depression creates a mood that is often unrelated to your choices. To bring it all back to Scripture, the faith of the believer can remain strong despite outward circumstances or inward feelings. Psalm 112:5-8 says:

“For the righteous will never be moved; he will be remembered forever. He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord. His heart is steady; he will not be afraid, until he looks in triumph on his adversaries.”

David and Elijah in particular are seen as suffering from some depression or sadness, yet they are also known as men of faith. So many of the Psalms are a mixture of sorrow and faith. Those aren’t mutually exclusive. However, it’s good to be reminded of the promises of Scripture at any time, and that should be our default source of encouragement regardless of whatever issues we may be facing in life. God’s love and faithfulness never change.

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Check out this post as well: http://dulinsgrovechurch.org/thebody/2014/08/14/encouragement-for-the-depressed/

Wrong Again

I’ve shared some quotes from Ed Tandy McGlasson’s book The Father You’ve Always Wanted, and he makes some good points. However, someone reading the book might get the false impression that when a person becomes a Christian and accepts God as their Father, they will immediately become a perfect father or mother themselves. There is a brief clarifying sentence near the end of the book, “That wasn’t the day I became perfect—that day will never come on this earth, as my wife and kids can testify!”

An apt illustration comes from Killjoys: The Seven DeadlySins. In the chapter on anger, Jonathan Parnell writes:

“The most consistent cause of my anger is the disobedience of my children. On one hand, it is right to be appropriately incensed by their foolish behavior. I love them, and the trajectory of their foolishness is harm. But on the other hand, their disobedience isn’t always the real issue. The tricky question is whether I am angry because I’ve been inconvenienced by their disobedience. If I am loving my children more than myself, my anger responds to their disobedience with patient and particular care and discipline... But if I’m mainly concerned with myself, my anger is not love for them; it only deals with the inconvenience their disobedience is to me... I am loving myself at that moment, not my children.”

It seems a little silly to have to say it, but there are no perfect parents besides God. We’re all screwed up people who hurt one another even when we have the best of intentions. Access to the wisdom and guidance of the Holy Spirit does not guarantee that we will always make the best decisions or that they will be received as such. The steadfast love of God does not keep us from causing pain at times. First John 4:18 says that “perfect love casts out fear,” but God is the only One able to love perfectly at all times. I was a bit surprised to find that the Bible never instructs us to trust one another, and in fact usually urges caution against trusting anyone besides God.

We wouldn’t have to be told to forgive one another if there weren’t harms being done even among those who are dedicated Christians. I return again to Colossians 3:12-13— “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” Paul wrote this to believers, the “saints and faithful brothers in Christ at Colossae” (1:2), not to unbelievers or just to those who were recently converted. We need these instructions every day of our Christian lives. We’re all works in progress, but we sometimes forget that fact. We sin intentionally or unintentionally; we err in judgment and understanding; we make incorrect assumptions and have misplaced expectations.

Those we most love and trust are the ones who hold the most power to hurt us. Vulnerability can be quite painful. I’ve been there recently, and it’s not a pleasant place to dwell, nor any easy hole to climb out of. But I recognize the fact that the choice to avoid pain is also to avoid love. It may be somewhat easier to live behind walls, but it’s also joyless. Even as I’ve been hurt, I find myself reaching out to trusted friends rather than retreating to the fortress as I would have in the past.

Forgiveness may be the greatest and hardest lesson we need to learn, both in our relationship with God and with one another. We are forgiven by God, so we can forgive ourselves and forgive others. God has extended more grace and mercy than we could ever begin to earn, so we can learn to do the same for our fellow imperfect brothers and sisters in Christ. I’m sure it will never be easy, but by grace perhaps we can make progress.

“Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.” -1 Peter 4:8