My Weird-Wired Brain

I found this video online of research from Dr. Russell Hurlburt on the topic of inner monologue. He lists five general ways that people think—inner speaking, seeing, feeling, sensory, and unsymbolized—but there is a lot of overlap and variation. It would be interesting to see if there are patterns related to learning styles, career choices, mental illness, and developmental challenges.

I’m becoming increasingly aware that human brains do not function exactly the same for all people. Following are a few examples of the way my brain works. I have no idea if these are unique or common, and I’d be curious to find out.

Images

In recent years there have been articles popping up on the internet about aphantasia, an inability to see mental pictures. Some people see no pictures, others see variations from simple black and white to full color, lifelike images. In my case, I see everything in full detail; however, I tend to see things from a certain perspective. I do a lot of drawing and when I want to draw, say, a hummingbird* I search for images online so I can make sure I get my dimensions correct. But I can only use images that match my mental picture. It has to be facing the right direction. (Animals usually have to be facing the left side of my paper.) I can’t simply turn my mental image or my drawing around. Oddly, saving the computer image and reversing it doesn’t help much because I remember the original and then it looks wrong reversed.

I have the same perspective limitations when thinking of rooms. If someone asked me to describe my bedroom, I’d describe it as seen from the doorway. This would be true even if I were laying on my bed at the time. This may be similar to my memory of where certain images or concepts appear on the pages of books. Although I read some eBooks, I find it harder to read when things aren’t always in the same place and I can’t see the surrounding context. (This is a good argument for using a physical Bible and using the same Bible for as long as possible.)

When going someplace new, I like to have a mental map of the area. If I use my phone app to give me directions, I don’t know where I am in relation to other roads. More than once I’ve gone the wrong direction because I wasn’t paying enough attention to my phone and didn’t know where I was even in my own city.

Numbers

Even though I work in accounting and love numbers, I am bad at mental math. Someone may ask “What’s 36 * 9?” and I would turn on my adding machine. For as long as I can remember I’ve used touch point math, even before I knew there was such a thing. I don’t recall ever being taught that, but I happened to find a method that worked for me. I’ve recently started playing the Nerdle game online, and I struggle to do some of the math without writing it down or using a calculator.

Conversations

In social settings, I’m always trying to figure out what to say and exactly how to say it. I have to think things through before I’ll open my mouth. Unfortunately, this often means that the subject changes before I have found the right words, so I won’t say anything at all. Some people seem to be able to think while they speak, which I find difficult.

If I have to explain something and I start mentally rehearsing it, I have to go through it from beginning to end before my brain will let me move on to something else. I can’t skip from A to D, no matter how simple B and C are. If I do try to fast forward, I’ll have to start over at A.

Following certain conversations or meetings, I will often rehearse what was said almost verbatim. This is definitely not because I want to, but because my brain won’t stop. This tends to happen more if the conversation was emotionally charged.

Concluding Thoughts

God has created widely diverse people, and I don’t think I’ve always fully appreciated this. We’re so quick to put labels on people to categorize and segregate them. But people don’t fit in nice little boxes, and we were never meant to. We should be slow to label variations of human development and processing as “right” or “wrong” even if something is statistically far more common. Different is not necessarily bad.

“For who knows a person’s thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God” (1 Cor. 2:11).

*When I write my pastor’s paychecks, I usually decorate the envelope. This was the most recent one.

© 2022 Dawn Rutan text and picture. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Thoughts on Thoughts

On a recent read through Philippians, I happened to notice how often Paul refers to the way we think.

1:9-10 (ESV)- “And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ.”

2:2, 5- “Complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind... Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus.”

3:10, 13- “That I may know Him... But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.”

3:15- “Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you.”

3:19- “Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things.”

4:8-9- “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.”

The way that we think is important to God, and what we think about depends largely on what we put into our minds. When Paul wrote these words, I’m sure he could never have imagined the wide variety and instantly accessible media we have today. From where I’m sitting by a lake right now, I can access the world through my phone. We have a constant temptation to use our time and brains for unprofitable things.

That’s one of the things that I’ve been convicted of lately. As I’ve been on sabbatical, I’ve had much more limited access to television than usual. I haven’t really missed it, because I’ve had other things to keep me occupied. But I know when I return to my usual schedule I will have to be careful not to get back into the same old habits. It’s just so easy to turn on the TV for background noise while I am doing other things like reading or writing. What I’ve realized though is how distracting it actually is to try to multitask. As others have pointed out, we can’t really multitask. All we can do is switch our attention rapidly from one thing to another.

While it seems like a harmless habit, there is very little on TV that qualifies under Paul’s admonition to think about things that are true, honorable, pure, lovely, etc. Even when we try to filter what we watch, there is a lot that is unworthy of our attention. I don’t want to get legalistic about it, but I know I need to set some boundaries on how I use my time and attention. I tend to go through phases of cutting things out then letting them creep back in over time. I am being reminded that God usually speaks in a still, small voice, and I’m not likely to hear Him if I’m constantly bombarded with other voices and media.

Even my “quiet times” can be fragmented by trying to do too many different things. I don’t often read an entire book of the Bible in one sitting, so it’s not surprising that I hadn’t previously noted Paul’s repeated comments on thoughts before. In particular I saw the contrast between 3:19 and 4:8-9, setting our minds on earthly things or on eternal things. Paul makes the same parallel in Romans 8:5, “For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit.” So then, why do we who have the Spirit choose to set our minds on earthly things so often? That’s a question that we may prefer to avoid unless we really want to make changes in our lives. I can see why some people will go so far as to get rid of their television. I’m not ready to take that step, but I will seriously consider what I can do to reduce the amount of “earthly input” I’m getting as compared to spiritual input.

Something to think about!

“Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ” (3:8).

© 2018 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com.

Thinking About Thoughts

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer” (Psalm 19:14 ESV). I have to confess that this can be a challenging verse for me. Not so much the first part, because I generally keep my mouth shut, but the meditation of my heart can be problematic. I was reading a book recently that mentioned the loss of self-control that occurs in some Alzheimer’s patients, and they start saying whatever comes to mind. It was kind of a wake-up call since I could easily be in that same boat in the future. And if I want my words then to reflect a pure heart, I better work on cleaning up my thoughts now.

It’s a tricky area. Everyone has thoughts that pop up seemingly out of nowhere. We may not be able to stop that from happening, but we can certainly decide whether or not we are going to dwell on them. It’s easy to rationalize that thoughts don’t really matter because they aren’t hurting anyone. But Jesus said that lustful thoughts are as sinful as lustful acts, and angry thoughts are as sinful as murder (Matthew 5:21-30). Philippians 4:8 tells us the kind of things we should think about: true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, praiseworthy. But if you’re like me the first thought is: “There aren’t that many good things to think about in this world!” Then the second thought is: “I have to figure out what to do about this problem I’m facing.”

I think there are ways to mull over a problem prayerfully, seeking God’s wisdom, but I also know how quickly such thoughts can degenerate into a rehearsal of everything that has gone wrong and anxiety about what else could go wrong. It requires a vigilance and consciousness of the direction your mind is heading.

This past weekend at our regional women’s retreat, I was thinking about this as I revisited Psalm 139. I realized that although I may not physically “make my bed in Sheol” or “dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,” my mind can still take me places that are better left unvisited. But even there, God is with me and desires to lead me out. I rewrote Psalm 139 for myself from that perspective, though I can’t share it publicly because it is too personal.

Though I haven’t yet mastered “taking every thought captive” when my mind is wandering down the wrong paths, I do know that it requires ongoing prayer. The first part of the prayer is “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” (Psalm 139:23-24). Another key piece is found in verse 17, “How precious to me are Your thoughts, O God!” I pray that God will make that true more and more frequently as time goes by. I want to be captivated by God’s thoughts and God’s Word, but sometimes I’m just not. Sometimes I want distraction and an escape from reality. I don’t want to have to work on self-control, and it would be nice if our brains came with a remote control that could delete channels from the menu. But that’s not how God made us. He made us to learn and grow one choice at a time. As Candy Hall mentioned at our retreat, He cares about each step we take and He celebrates each milestone of spiritual growth. I may not be where I want to be or where I think I should be, but I am moving in the right direction by His grace.

“The Lord knows the thoughts of man, that they are but a breath. Blessed is the man whom You discipline, O Lord, and whom You teach out of Your law” (Psalm 94:11-12).

Whatcha Thinking?

A couple books I’ve been reading lately have challenged me to think about thinking. It’s so easy to fall into the cycle of negative thinking and not even realize it. John Ortberg wrote:

“You can’t stop thinking wrong thoughts by trying harder to not think them, but you can do something else. You can ‘set your mind,’ for the most basic power you have over your mind is that you can choose what you pay attention to” (The Me I Want to Be).

Leslie Vernick put it this way:

“Once we become aware of our negative thoughts or feelings we often try to suppress them because we don’t like having them. Other times we acknowledge they are there but feel guilty or shamed because of them. The result is that now our original emotions are compounded with additional toxic feelings and negative thoughts” (Lord, I Just Want to Be Happy).

One morning recently I woke up long before my alarm, so I lay there for a couple hours trying to occupy my mind with good things like Scripture and prayer. I was doing okay for awhile, but then my brain latched onto a negative subject that I really didn’t want to think about, and I found myself getting angry. Eventually the only solution was to read a few chapters of Genesis until I could relax and go back to sleep. Ironically, while I felt like a slave to my brain, it was the story of Joseph being sold into slavery and ending up in prison that came up in my reading schedule. Somehow in the midst of terrible circumstances, he apparently kept his mind on holy things and remained faithful to God.

When there are truly difficult situations, it’s hard to discern exactly what you can and should think or say. You can’t live in denial and pretend everything is fine when it’s not. But you also can’t obsess over it constantly and analyze every worst-case scenario. I imagine Joseph wondered if he would ever get out of jail after having been framed by his boss’s wife. Perhaps he feared that his childhood dreams would not come true, or maybe he clung to them in faith that God would provide a way.

The Apostle Paul made several comments about our thought life:

• Colossians 3:2 (ESV)- “Set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.”
• Philippians 4:8- “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”
• Romans 12:2- “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”
• 2 Corinthians 10:3-5- “For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.”

Obviously we do have the power to choose what we will dwell on, though that might be difficult at times and can even be a battle of spiritual warfare. Our enemy would be glad for us to waste time and energy thinking about failure, pain, and resentment. One of the ways we can fight that battle is to choose gratitude. Henri Nouwen wrote:

“Gratitude as a discipline involves a conscious choice. I can choose to be grateful even when my emotions and feelings are still steeped in hurt and resentment. It is amazing how many occasions present themselves in which I can choose gratitude instead of complaint. I can choose to be grateful when I am criticized, even when my heart still responds in bitterness. I can choose to speak about goodness and beauty, even when my inner eye still looks for someone to accuse or something to call ugly” (as quoted by Vernick).

While it’s not always true that positive actions and words will produce positive thoughts and emotions, it certainly can help over time. Households and businesses would quickly deteriorate if people only did things when they felt like it. Since most of our thoughts involve relationships, it’s an ongoing process of loving people in word, in deed, and in truth.

I had never noticed before that following the description of godly love in 1 Corinthians 13 comes this verse: “When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways” (v. 11). Love should somehow inform the way we mature in our thought processes. I can quickly recall many times when my thoughts have been childish and petty, and I would hate for anyone to judge my level of maturity by such thoughts. Thankfully God doesn’t leave us in our immaturity, but keeps refining us through the trials and difficulties of this life.

“Brothers, do not be children in your thinking. Be infants in evil, but in your thinking be mature.” -1 Corinthians 14:20

Think

This Sunday in Sunday school we were talking about learning as a spiritual discipline, then this week I’ve been reading a few books that go along well with that theme: Think: The Life of the Mind and the Love of God, by John Piper; Good to Great in God’s Eyes, by Chip Ingram; and If I Had Lunch with C.S. Lewis, by Alister McGrath. Piper makes the following comment in regard to “anti-intellectual impulses” within the church:

“If we were to succeed in raising a generation of people who give up serious, faithful, coherent thinking, we will have raised a generation incapable of reading the Bible… The problem with those who debunk the gift of thinking as a way of knowing God is that they do not spell out clearly what the alternative is. The reason is that there isn’t one. If we abandon thinking, we abandon the Bible, and if we abandon the Bible we abandon God” (123).

Ingram urges believers to “think great thoughts” and “read great books” that help us to understand Scripture, meditate on it, and apply it to our lives. One author quoted by McGrath wrote of C.S. Lewis, “Rational argument does not create belief, but it maintains a climate in which belief may flourish.”

It seems in many churches that members don’t feel any need for spiritual nourishment outside of an hour or two on Sunday morning. Something I listened to recently (I forget who it was) made the claim that churchgoers are receiving too many messages with no chance to apply them. Maybe that was true when the primary social activities of a community revolved around the church—Sunday morning, Sunday evening, Wednesday night, etc. Barna Research states, “Regular attenders used to be people who went to church three or more weekends each month—or even several times a week. Now people who show up once every four to six weeks consider themselves regular churchgoers.”

So I doubt that these folks are hearing too many messages for them to apply. I believe the real problem is that people don’t want to have to think. They want to be spoon-fed a simple message that does not challenge them to consider how they should respond. They will forget the message as soon as they leave the pew, and won’t think about their faith until the next Sunday morning when they decide whether to go to church or not.

That’s a mindset I can’t really understand. In addition to being raised in the church, I’ve spent about 9 years in formal education at Christian colleges and seminaries, and much of my free time since then has been spent in reading and study of a wide variety of Christian books. The more I read and learn, the more I want to learn and the more I want to truly know God. I shared this quote recently on Facebook:

“A real Christian’s hunger may begin slowly, but it will grow over time, so that by the end of life a real Christian is hungrier than ever for God. By contrast, someone who is not real may have hunger that starts off strong, but it will diminish over time, so that eventually this person is less hungry for God, if at all” (Todd Wilson, Real Christian).

I’m afraid that’s what has happened to a lot of church members. At one time they realized a need for God, but they haven’t fed that need with the solid food of the Word and have gradually lost interest. Apathy has set in and they are satisfied with occasional appearances at church services to maintain the illusion of real faith. I wonder how many will hear those terrifying words, “Depart from Me, I never knew you” (Matthew 7:23). I don’t want that to happen to any of the people I love. I want us all to be confident that He knows us and that we are seeking to know Him as well as we are humanly able.

"And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." –Matthew 12:30 ESV