Love in Action

I was reminded last week of the decades-long discussion of the “Five Love Languages” as outlined by Gary Chapman—words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch—reminding us that we don’t always “hear” love in the way that others may choose to express it. Charles Stanley has a similar list of “Ten Terms for Effective Service” in his recent book Emotions, and I think it’s worth sharing this extended quote as reminders of ways we can show love to one another (plus this just happens to go along with Sunday's sermon):

"1. Verbally

Tell people what you admire and appreciate about them—they need to hear it. In fact, many of the individuals you know may be under terrible pressure and emotional distress and need the encouragement. So remind them of God’s love and provision, and convey your concern for their well-being.

2. Physically

You may come into contact with people who are anxious for someone to lend them a hand. Don’t turn them away. Often what is needed is a caring hug or a simple act of service. Help them in the name of Jesus (Matt. 5:41-42).

3. Patiently

You know how hard it is to change your thinking when your emotions are out of control. It may take a long time to get through to some people with the truth of God’s Word. But instead of giving up, continue to pray for them faithfully. You’ll see it is absolutely worth it when they finally embrace His love and follow Him in obedience.

4. Gratefully

The truth is, you will find that some individuals are challenging to minister to—their emotional bondage is incredibly deep and their defenses are extremely difficult to overcome. Ask the Father to fill you with His love for them and help you to understand their burdens. Ask Him to fill your heart with gratefulness, then thank Him for the opportunity to encourage that hurting soul.

5. Generously

When was the last time you gave freely to another person simply because you cared? Remember, God blesses us so that we might bless others. Keep your eyes open for ways to show people His provision through sacrificial giving and express your affection to them with all generosity (1 Tim. 6:18).

6. Tenderly

Now that you know the warning signs of fear, rejection, bitterness, guilt, and despair; be sensitive to other people’s emotions and pay careful attention to what they tell you. Many people have come to know Jesus as their Savior because a friend took the time to listen to them and genuinely care about their concerns.

7. Forgivingly

When you begin to feel angry or resentful toward the people the Lord has called you to encourage, remember how many times God has forgiven you. Always show compassion. You may not be able to control how others treat you, but you can choose to respond to them in a manner that honors the Father.

8. Devotedly

When you are dedicated to someone, you support and defend them when they face adversity and their emotions are especially raw. You don’t abandon them when challenges or problems arise. Therefore, stand by others in their time of need. They will appreciate your loyalty, and your friendship will go a long way in helping them heal.

9. Cheerfully

Be sure to stay positive and remind others of all the Lord’s promises to them—especially when their emotions are out of control or particularly negative. Through Christ, there is always hope, regardless of the circumstances. Do your best to help others cling to that truth whenever they go through trials or experience suffering.

10. Honorably

Nothing blesses a person more than when you walk in the center of God’s will and allow Him to work through you. Therefore, always make your relationship with the Father your first priority. He will guide you in how to best minister to and bless those around you" (pp. 283-286).

“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.” -1 John 4:7

Unmasking Forgiveness

Matthew 18:34-35 (ESV)- “And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. So also My heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”

Lloyd John Ogilvie writes in Autobiography of God:

“The word ‘heart’ is like a burred hook. We can’t slip off. We may say we forgive. We may conceptually forgive. But it is the vocation of the heart not to forget. Many of us say we will forgive but not forget. Or that we will forgive the person but not the deed. All are ways of evading the reproduction of the awesome completeness of God’s forgiveness of us… There are lots of people who need our forgiveness. Then there are those whom we have said we have forgiven but with whom we want nothing to do now. Cheap forgiveness! Verbalism without a vital, reconciled relationship…

“The parable of the unmerciful servant will become part of our character and response if we will take time to think about all the times the Lord has forgiven us. Write them down in a list. Then consider the people whom you have not forgiven. Be sure to list all the ones you have cut off because you do not trust what they will do even if you forgive.”

I’m not sure I can fully agree with Ogilvie on this, though perhaps that is due to a difference of vocabulary. What does it mean to forgive “from your heart”? I think there can be a desire to forgive and a conscious volition to forgive, but that does not necessarily translate into a “vital, reconciled relationship.” Forgiveness does not always mean a return to the same level of vulnerability that led to the broken relationship. A man who abuses his wife or child should not be quickly trusted in the future. A person who betrays a confidence should not then be privy to confidential matters.

Forgiveness does not always equal trust. Forgiveness is a choice to release the other person from condemnation and revenge. Reconciliation is a more relative term. The word reconcile means essentially “to bring back together.” But relationships are so fluid and complex that there is no status quo to return to. There can be a restoration of fellowship, but nothing ever remains the same. That’s not to say that it’s necessarily a worse relationship than before the conflict, but it is different simply because of the experience.

Matthew 5:23-24 says, “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” (I notice that it is the offender who is to seek reconciliation in this case.) Although this Scripture implies a quick process, nothing about forgiveness and reconciliation is quick or easy. Our reconciliation to God was not an easy process either. Jesus had to die to make it possible, and even then we may be reluctant converts and we definitely will make frequent blunders.

I was thinking about this in relation to the Lord’s Supper since that is on our church’s calendar for this week. Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 11:27-28, “Whoever, therefore, eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty concerning the body and blood of the Lord. Let a person examine himself, then, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup.” In this examination, how do we discern whether we have indeed forgiven our brother from the heart as Jesus instructed? Is it primarily an act of the will in choosing to forgive? Does a change of heart require renewed emotional ties, or is it simply the choice and desire to release the other person from judgment?

As I’ve written on other subjects, I don’t think we can place too much emphasis on emotions, particularly when it comes to our faith. Feelings may or may not reflect reality. I often don’t feel like I’ve been forgiven, and I may keep recalling the pain of how others have hurt me, but that doesn’t really reflect my heart’s desire to live in fellowship with God and others. I’ve been trying to memorize Romans 8 and several verses came to mind:

• v. 1- “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” –No matter what the conflict, I am not condemned before God because Jesus’ blood covers all my sin.
• v. 28- “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” –God can even use conflict, sin, and reconciliation for His good purposes of refining me and conforming me to the image of Jesus.
• vv. 38-39- “For I am sure that [nothing] in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” –His love endures through all trials and suffering, even those that are self-inflicted. 

This is one area where I definitely feel like an amateur. I don’t think I want to become an expert on forgiveness. That sounds too painful since it has to be learned by experience. A theology of forgiveness is only as good as its application.

“The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love… He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His steadfast love toward those who fear Him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does He remove our transgressions from us.” –Psalm 103:8-12

Strength in Depression

I’m posting the following as sort of a Public Service Announcement. I’ve always heard about the “stigma” of mental illness, but until recently I was only aware of it in a vague sense, as in feeling like I don’t quite fit in culture’s standards for happiness. For a long time I didn’t really talk about depression, not necessarily because of some perceived stigma, but because I didn’t think it was anybody’s business. Now I figure that I may at least be able to use my experience to help others understand and cope with their own or a loved one’s illness.

My perception changed a bit recently when someone made a comment about not wanting to add to my depression by adding to my stress. Thinking about it later, I realized that depression is not well understood if people believe that it is always reactionary. This particular website provides a quick summary of the many types of depression, and reactive depression is only one of them: http://www.promises.com/articles/depression-articles/depression-is-not-a-sign-of-weakness/

Speaking for myself, most of my episodes of severe depression have been unrelated to life circumstances. I’ve had times of major depression when all outward circumstances have been favorable. The most frustrating part of this illness is its unpredictability. If I knew what caused it, I could do something to try to fix it. But when there is no known cause, all I can do is wait it out and continue to pursue all the medical recommendations like staying on medication, eating right, exercising, getting sunlight, and spending time with close friends. The episode may pass in days or may linger for months, and there’s not much I can do about it. In my experience, the stigma is not so much an active aversion to people with mental illness (although I’m sure that does happen in some cases), but a lack of understanding and an uncertainty of how to interact or to help.

As the title of the above article states, “Depression is not a sign of weakness.” Googling that phrase will bring up an abundance of articles refuting that myth. A common phrase that comes up is “Depression is not a sign of weakness, it means you have been trying to be strong for far too long.” I’d have to say that I agree with that in general. From a biological perspective, enduring high levels of stress in childhood can condition the body to handle a lot of stress, but not in the ways it should, resulting in a chemically induced depression. And relationally, that same childhood stress can teach young people to rely solely on themselves and to distrust others, which can also contribute to later depression.

Among those I know who struggle with depression, I see people who are strong, independent, capable, and high achievers in whatever they pursue. So it bothers me to hear depression correlated with weakness and used as a basis for judging a person’s ability to handle stress. While that may be true in some cases and situations, it is by no means universal to those who suffer from depression.

My suggestion for interacting with friends or loved ones with a history of depression is pretty simple—don’t assume anything. When in doubt ask questions, but realize that we may not always be able to answer those questions.

• Is there something specific bothering you? –I don’t think so.
• Is there anything I can do to help? –Not that I know of.
• Can I pray for/with you? –Absolutely!

I would also suggest that even if there is an element of reactive depression, it’s better to know something is coming than to be surprised with bad news. Like a parent whose child has a major illness, it’s best to know the probabilities and prognosis from the beginning so you can better prepare for the road ahead—mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. We all need time to process difficult news and figure out how to cope with the next steps.

Recently I’ve seen a couple comments on Facebook that “there’s nothing that can disturb you unless you let it” and “you choose your mood.” While it’s true that you can choose to a degree how you are going to respond to something, clinical depression creates a mood that is often unrelated to your choices. To bring it all back to Scripture, the faith of the believer can remain strong despite outward circumstances or inward feelings. Psalm 112:5-8 says:

“For the righteous will never be moved; he will be remembered forever. He is not afraid of bad news; his heart is firm, trusting in the Lord. His heart is steady; he will not be afraid, until he looks in triumph on his adversaries.”

David and Elijah in particular are seen as suffering from some depression or sadness, yet they are also known as men of faith. So many of the Psalms are a mixture of sorrow and faith. Those aren’t mutually exclusive. However, it’s good to be reminded of the promises of Scripture at any time, and that should be our default source of encouragement regardless of whatever issues we may be facing in life. God’s love and faithfulness never change.

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Check out this post as well: http://dulinsgrovechurch.org/thebody/2014/08/14/encouragement-for-the-depressed/

Wrong Again

I’ve shared some quotes from Ed Tandy McGlasson’s book The Father You’ve Always Wanted, and he makes some good points. However, someone reading the book might get the false impression that when a person becomes a Christian and accepts God as their Father, they will immediately become a perfect father or mother themselves. There is a brief clarifying sentence near the end of the book, “That wasn’t the day I became perfect—that day will never come on this earth, as my wife and kids can testify!”

An apt illustration comes from Killjoys: The Seven DeadlySins. In the chapter on anger, Jonathan Parnell writes:

“The most consistent cause of my anger is the disobedience of my children. On one hand, it is right to be appropriately incensed by their foolish behavior. I love them, and the trajectory of their foolishness is harm. But on the other hand, their disobedience isn’t always the real issue. The tricky question is whether I am angry because I’ve been inconvenienced by their disobedience. If I am loving my children more than myself, my anger responds to their disobedience with patient and particular care and discipline... But if I’m mainly concerned with myself, my anger is not love for them; it only deals with the inconvenience their disobedience is to me... I am loving myself at that moment, not my children.”

It seems a little silly to have to say it, but there are no perfect parents besides God. We’re all screwed up people who hurt one another even when we have the best of intentions. Access to the wisdom and guidance of the Holy Spirit does not guarantee that we will always make the best decisions or that they will be received as such. The steadfast love of God does not keep us from causing pain at times. First John 4:18 says that “perfect love casts out fear,” but God is the only One able to love perfectly at all times. I was a bit surprised to find that the Bible never instructs us to trust one another, and in fact usually urges caution against trusting anyone besides God.

We wouldn’t have to be told to forgive one another if there weren’t harms being done even among those who are dedicated Christians. I return again to Colossians 3:12-13— “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” Paul wrote this to believers, the “saints and faithful brothers in Christ at Colossae” (1:2), not to unbelievers or just to those who were recently converted. We need these instructions every day of our Christian lives. We’re all works in progress, but we sometimes forget that fact. We sin intentionally or unintentionally; we err in judgment and understanding; we make incorrect assumptions and have misplaced expectations.

Those we most love and trust are the ones who hold the most power to hurt us. Vulnerability can be quite painful. I’ve been there recently, and it’s not a pleasant place to dwell, nor any easy hole to climb out of. But I recognize the fact that the choice to avoid pain is also to avoid love. It may be somewhat easier to live behind walls, but it’s also joyless. Even as I’ve been hurt, I find myself reaching out to trusted friends rather than retreating to the fortress as I would have in the past.

Forgiveness may be the greatest and hardest lesson we need to learn, both in our relationship with God and with one another. We are forgiven by God, so we can forgive ourselves and forgive others. God has extended more grace and mercy than we could ever begin to earn, so we can learn to do the same for our fellow imperfect brothers and sisters in Christ. I’m sure it will never be easy, but by grace perhaps we can make progress.

“Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.” -1 Peter 4:8

Living in the Shadows

I was recently reading the book of Revelation and particularly noticed the words Jesus wrote to the seven churches. In brief summary:

• 2:3, 7 (ESV)- “I know you are enduring patiently and bearing up for My name’s sake, and you have not grown weary… To the one who conquers I will grant to eat of the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God.”
• 2:9, 11- “Do not fear what you are about to suffer… Be faithful unto death, and I will give you the crown of life… The one who conquers will not be hurt by the second death.”
• 2:13, 17- “I know where you dwell, where Satan’s throne is. Yet you hold fast My name… To the one who conquers I will give some of the hidden manna, and I will give him a white stone, with a new name written on the stone that no one knows except the one who receives it.”
• 2:19, 26- “I know your works, your love and faith and service and patient endurance, and that your latter works exceed the first… The one who conquers and who keeps My works until the end, to him I will give authority over the nations.”
• 3:3, 5- “Remember, then, what you received and heard. Keep it… The one who conquers will be clothed thus in white garments, and I will never blot his name out of the book of life. I will confess his name before My Father and before His angels.”
• 3:10, 12- “Because you have kept My word about patient endurance, I will keep you from the hour of trial that is coming… The one who conquers, I will make him a pillar in the temple of My God. Never shall he go out of it, and I will write on him the name of My God.”
• 3:19, 21- “Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline, so be zealous and repent… The one who conquers, I will grant him to sit with Me on My throne, as I also conquered and sat down with My Father on His throne.”

The believers are reminded repeatedly to keep enduring as there are eternal rewards for overcoming. Although these are great and wonderful promises, I still have a hard time finding motivation to keep enduring. The problem is that this life is the only one we are familiar with, so to wait for something better yet to come doesn’t always make sense, especially when it is so different from what we’re used to. We can’t begin to wrap our minds around the descriptions of eternal life in Scripture, so we cling to the things of earth more tightly than we should.

Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 4:17-18, “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” However, the afflictions of this life rarely seem light or momentary when we’re going through them. They often feel like heavy boulders instead.

We are living in the “shadowlands” (to use C.S. Lewis’s term). Ultimately, the things of this life are going to be forgotten as we encounter the solid reality of immortality. In the meantime, we need constant reminders from Scripture and from fellow believers that these difficulties will not last forever and something better is coming. I can’t imagine trying to live without daily doses of the Word and frequent encounters with encouraging friends, particularly as we digest the Word together.

Despite my affinity for Paul Simon’s “I Am a Rock,” I know it’s just wishful thinking to believe I can make it through this life and all its challenges without the support and help of my family in Christ. The boulders get heavier the longer we try to carry them alone.

It’s worth noting that the letters in Revelation 2-3 were written to groups of believers, not to individuals. Community is essential to sustained endurance in difficult times. I have little doubt that the Jews and Christians kept in concentration camps such as Auschwitz fared better than individuals kept in solitary confinement.

If we’re going to endure to the end, we need to encourage, uplift, pray for, and strengthen one another through whatever difficulties may come.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! …And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, 12).

Unlimited

I’ve been inspired and challenged lately by reading Lloyd John Ogilvie’s book Autobiography of God, which studies the parables Jesus told as a reflection of who God is. One chapter is on the parables of the “new patch and new wine” in Luke 5:33-39. In these parables, Jesus is not very subtle in pointing out that the Pharisees were so absorbed in what God had done in the past that they missed what He was doing in the present through Jesus. Although we tend to judge the Pharisees for missing the Savior, we can be guilty of the same thing today. Ogilvie writes:

“There are Christians who can recount with elaborate detail how they first discovered God’s grace in some experience of need or challenge. Often the treasured memory becomes more important than God Himself. His question is, ‘What have you allowed Me to give you and do for you lately?’ ...Many of us have built a whole theology on our personal experiences of God. Soon our experiences build us. They become limitations to further development and expansion of our understanding. We become rigid and immobilized. We insist God must always do what He’s done and be for us what He’s been.”

Holding on to past experiences may result from complacency, a satisfaction that what’s gone before is sufficient. It can also become a comfortable place that’s free from risk. If God has free reign in our lives, there’s no telling what He may do in us and through us. Ogilvie says:

“The false security of the familiar constantly must be replaced by trusting God with the complexities and uncertainties staring me in the face today... The Lordship of Jesus Christ cannot be poured into the old skin of our settled personality structure, presuppositions about life, prejudices about people, plans for the future, and predetermined ideas of what He will do or how we will respond.”

That’s a challenge when we’re not certain where our path will lead. It seems easier to rely on what we’ve experienced of God in the past than to trust Him to do whatever He wants in the present. Not that the past is bad. Throughout the Old Testament the Israelites were reminded to consider how God had been faithful in the past in order to trust Him in the future. But we can’t let those experiences define how God will always work. God is not limited by history or tradition, or by human understanding and expectations. God is “able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think” (Ephesians 3:20), so why would we want to limit Him to what He’s already done before? But fear of the unknown is a powerful demotivator.

Thinking through this for myself, I see various areas where I’ve tried to limit God by my own limitations in knowledge, experience, personality and wounds. Ed Tandy McGlasson writes in The Father You’ve Always Wanted, “One of the devil’s main goals is to convince you to name yourself by your brokenness. He wants your future horizons to be completely limited by lies... But God loves to change broken stories and make the impossible possible!” Sometimes God is just waiting for us to say “Your will be done.”

As we were reminded in Sunday’s sermon on Proverbs 3:5-8, our role is to be faithful to God in our everyday life, and trust Him to reveal each step of the path as we come to it. That doesn’t sound too spectacular until we acknowledge and accept the fact that God may do something new and unexpected.

Ogilvie comes to a conclusion that is worth considering:

“I have learned a great deal through study of Scripture and years of fellowship with the Lord. But I suspect that my most exciting years are ahead. How about you? If so, I want to surrender any false pride or dependence on the past and make a fresh beginning. My past experience of God can never substitute for the experience of God today. ‘Lord, here is a fresh wineskin; fill me. Here is my naked need; clothe me with Your character.’ Now I can’t wait for what the Lord will do!”

“Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” -Isaiah 43:19

-Photo by Dawn Rutan from parking lot of Dulin’s Grove Church 1/30/15.

Keep Fighting

As happens to me periodically, I’ve received similar messages from multiple sources in recent weeks. The first source was Tim Keller’s book Prayer. He was talking about the Lord’s Prayer and the fact that the provision of needs and deliverance from temptation are daily prayers, not just occasional or spur of the moment prayers. Soon after that Ron Thomas made a similar comment during his Sunday school lesson on Genesis 3, as he urged us to frequently ask ourselves “Where are you?” Most recently, I read John Piper’s short book Sanctification in the Everyday, in which he writes about fighting sin. He says that he learned to fight sexual temptation with aggressive, conscious, daily opposition. However:

“What I realized was that I was not applying any of this same gospel vigilance—what Peter O’Brien calls ‘continuous, sustained, strenuous effort’ against my most besetting sins. I was strangely passive and victim-like. I had the unarticulated sense (mistakenly) that these sins (unlike sexual lust) should be defeated more spontaneously.”

I’ve found the same to be true in my life. Until these themes converged upon me, I’d never really considered the need to pray regularly for deliverance from evil even though that was part of the Lord’s Prayer. At some subconscious level I believed that frequent repetition of the Lord’s Prayer or any other prayer would become rote and useless. But, like Piper, I also mistakenly believed that temptation didn’t need to be fought until it arrived, so I wasn’t terribly proactive about it. I had a vague idea of what I would do when temptation came, but that’s about it. I’ve repeatedly read 1 Corinthians 10:13 (ESV), “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and He will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation He will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” For whatever reason, I assumed that meant I didn’t need to look for the way of escape until the temptation came.

I began to learn the truth over the last year out of a sense of desperation as I pleaded with the Lord to protect me from temptation, because I knew I was too weak to fight it myself. These recent messages have helped to solidify and verbalize what experience has shown to be true. It also gives fresh meaning to Jesus’s words in Matthew 7:7-11, “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you… How much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!” And James 4:2, “You do not have, because you do not ask.” When a child asks for something that they want and need, parents are delighted to provide. So also God wants to provide for us, but He won’t force us to take something we don’t yet want or know that we need.

God wants us to be victorious over sin, but so long as we are trusting in ourselves to fight temptation when it comes, we will continue to be disappointed. We have a real enemy who wants to keep us feeling helpless and defeated, so we need the power of our Savior to set us free. He’s already done the hard work of defeating sin and death, but we have to learn a daily reliance upon His strength rather than our own. It’s not often that God provides instantaneous deliverance from a temptation, though there are those who have found freedom from drugs and alcohol and the like. Most of the time it is a slow growth in learning to depend on Him, and that doesn’t come until we realize our own weakness.

The fight against sin is not one we are meant to battle in our own power. This battle isn’t going to be quick and easy, but we are assured that one day we will see the ultimate defeat of our enemy. Until then we need to keep asking, keep seeking, keep knocking, keep putting on the armor of God, and keep fighting all day every day. “Will not God give justice to His elect, who cry to Him day and night?” (Luke 18:7).

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.” –Ephesians 6:10-11