Hello, Darkness

I’m a little late for Mental Illness Awareness Week (the first week of October), but thought I should go ahead and post this anyway. Every year I dread the coming of autumn because for many years it has meant an increase in depression symptoms starting around Labor Day. Sometimes that includes unexpected “crying attacks,” or as I’ve also referred to them, the depressive equivalent of panic attacks. After that happened one time recently, I shared with a friend that this is frustratingly familiar territory.

Today I was reading an article in the November issue of Guideposts. The author heard from someone who experienced panic attacks: “I used to fight those panic attacks. Now I just try to see them as a familiar part of me. When I feel one coming on, I say, ‘Hello, old friend,’ and I talk to it. All the power fizzes out of it.” Although I haven’t tried that particular tactic with depression, that’s the kind of accepting attitude I am trying to cultivate. I can’t change whatever is going on in my body, and medications don’t help during these months, so my only option is to accept and endure with as much grace as possible.

I was reminded of Simon & Garfunkel’s words in The Sound of Silence, “Hello, darkness, my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again.” But the reason I feel compelled to write this comes later in the song, “‘Fools,’ said I, ‘You do not know silence like a cancer grows. Hear my words that I might teach you. Take my arms that I might reach you.’” Chronic or recurring depression is one of those private battles that are often endured silently. It feels like it takes too much effort to make people understand, and we don’t have the energy to maintain relationships during these times. We feel like we’re carrying cement blocks on our backs and we can’t get rid of them. Many of us continue to work only because we have bills to pay, but we’d rather crawl in a hole and sleep until spring.

We don’t need sermons on joy or lectures on positive thinking. We need reminders that we are loved in the midst of the battle, and that God is present in the darkness even though we can’t see Him. Endurance is possible, but we can’t do it alone. We need support, which may range anywhere from an encouraging word and prayer to medication and hospitalization, depending on the person. I tried for a long time to get through on my own strength, but I learned several years ago that I need to let other people inside so they can fight the battle for me and with me.

John Piper wrote the following in Desiring God, and it’s also included as the devotion for October 29 in Solid Joys:

“All experiences of suffering in the path of Christian obedience, whether from persecution or sickness or accident, have this in common: They all threaten our faith in the goodness of God, and tempt us to leave the path of obedience. 

“Therefore, every triumph of faith, and all perseverance in obedience, are testimonies to the goodness of God and the preciousness of Christ — whether the enemy is sickness, Satan, sin, or sabotage. Therefore, all suffering, of every kind, that we endure in the path of our Christian calling is a suffering ‘with Christ’ and ‘for Christ.’”

So for those of you who share this present darkness, don’t give up and don’t go silent. Let others in so they can be praying for you and supporting you as best they can. And for those who are our friends, take seriously the call to pray for us, bear our burdens, and love us as brothers and sisters in Christ. We thank you.

© 2017 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com.

Enduring with Joy

I’ve been reading Be Still My Soul: Embracing God’s Purpose & Provision in Suffering, edited by Nancy Guthrie, which is a collection of 25 readings by various authors. The following are several quotes that I’ve noted and clung to in recent weeks.

“God permits what he hates to accomplish what he loves.” –Joni Eareckson Tada (35)

“You are one person living at one place, at one point in time and even if God chose to explain to you how all the pieces of his giant puzzle are fitting together in a manner consistent with his own righteous and holy and gracious nature, so that he may faithfully fulfill his promises in your life and work everything that happens to you for your good, you couldn’t understand it. But you can believe that God understands it. And you can believe that God is loving enough, and powerful enough, and wise enough, and gracious enough, and faithful enough to you to do what he says when he promises to work everything for your good.” –Wilson Benton, Jr. (59)

“It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until he has hurt him deeply.” –A.W. Tozer (89)

“Sanctified tribulations work the proof of our faith, and this is more precious than that of gold, which perisheth, though it be tried by fire… [Your] own faith in God is proved when you can cling to him under temptation… I find it especially sweet to learn the great strength of the Lord in my own weakness.” –Charles Spurgeon (104-105)

“It was as if the Savior was saying, ‘I can demonstrate my power better by not eliminating your problem. It is better for you, Paul, and for my glory in your life, that I show my strength by keeping you going though the thorn remains.’ …The weaker we feel, the harder we lean. And the harder we lean, the stronger we grow spiritually, even while our bodies waste away. To live with your ‘thorn’ uncomplainingly, sweet, patient, and free in heart to love and help others, even though every day you feel weak, is true sanctification. It is true healing for the spirit. It is a supreme victory of grace. The healing of your sinful person thus goes forward even though the healing of your mortal body does not. And the healing of persons is the name of the game so far as God is concerned.” –J.I. Packer (139-140)

“‘Blessed [happy] is the people whose God is the Lord’—that is, who count enjoying God as their happiness—when they lose everything, they can still be happy because they have not lost God. Our afflictions reveal our state of mind; when we see outward crosses as the greatest evil, God is not our main happiness. In the greatest lack of earthly things there is happiness, and comfort enough in God’s covenant.” –Thomas Manton (143)

“As we sang [Since Jesus Came Into My Heart], I wondered how everyone in the chapel was processing that statement in light of real life experience when sea billows of joy do not roll over the soul. Here’s how I fit it in my own experience: Yes, since knowing Jesus, joy has rolled over me like the waves of the sea, but not always. There are times when the tide goes out. God is still God; joy is still joy; but I am baking in the seaweed on the beach waiting for the tide to come in… God’s purpose in our weakness is to glorify the grace and power of his Son… not by getting rid of all our weaknesses; but by giving strength to endure and even rejoice in tribulation. ” –John Piper (145, 151)

And one final reminder that my pastor shared with me:

May you be “strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy; giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light” (Colossians 2:11-12 ESV).

© 2017 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com.

A Furry Lesson

I met a furry little friend several days ago and named him (or her) Squirrel Nutkin. I believe he must have fallen from his nest and been injured. He holds his head at an angle and stumbles and falls when he tries to walk. I doubt he’ll be able to climb trees. So I worried about him and I prayed for him. When I first saw him, he stayed in one place for about an hour and I went out to check on him periodically. The last time I looked he was gone, and I didn’t know whether his mama took him back to the nest or if the local hawk found a snack. But then two days later I found him again, and again he stayed in one place for a long time and even took a nap on the ground. When I went back to see if he needed a warmer shelter for the night or a supply of sunflower seeds to sustain him, he was gone again. At this point I’m assuming that his mama is still watching after him.

After that encounter, I was reading a book that cited Psalm 147:9 (ESV): “He gives to the beasts their food, and to the young ravens that cry.” That verse led me on to Matthew 10:29-31, “Are not five sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father… Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.” I was convicted on several counts:

1) Why am I anxious over the fate of a young squirrel when God knows his needs far better than I do? Humans are notorious for “rescuing” animals that need no rescue. And even my imagined “worst case scenario” would provide a meal for another of God’s creatures. 

2) Why am I anxious about many things in my own life when God knows each need and He values me more than many sparrows? I don’t know how to deal with even the squirrel-size problems, so why do I think that worrying will help me find solutions to the bigger problems? God will provide the answers if and when the time is right. 

3) Why does it seem more profitable to pray and expend energy on a young squirrel than on friends and loved ones who don’t know God as their Lord and Savior? Some of those folks do make it into my prayers regularly, but not as frequently or fervently as they should.

Jesus said, “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble” (Matthew 6:33-34). If seeking God and loving Him are our first priority, everything else will fall into place. But that can be hard to remember when the things of this world clamor for our attention. It takes diligent effort to keep everything in perspective.

Jerry Bridges wrote in Trusting God:

“I mistakenly thought I could not trust God unless I felt like trusting him (which I almost never did in times of adversity). Now I am learning that trusting God is first of all a matter of the will, and is not dependent on my feelings. I choose to trust God and my feelings eventually follow… The same David who said in Psalm 56:4, ‘In God I trust; I will not be afraid’ said in Psalm 34:4, ‘I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.’ There is no conflict between saying, ‘I will not be afraid’ and asking God to deliver us from our fears. David recognized it was his responsibility to choose to trust God, but also that he was dependent upon the Lord for the ability to do it.”

I don’t know what Squirrel Nutkin’s future may hold. (If I see him again I’ll try to get a picture.) I do hope he’ll be around for a long time, if for no other reason than to remind me that God takes care of His creatures as He deems best, and I can trust Him to take care of me.

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God… casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you” (1 Peter 5:6-7).

© 2017 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. 

Selfish to Selfless

I have a bit of a fascination with reading biographies from World War II. I’ve read several in the past few years. Recently I read two that created a curious juxtaposition. The first was To End All Wars, by Ernest Gordon. He tells about his time in the concentration camp that built the bridge over the river Kwai. At first the prisoners were selfishly stealing from one another in their effort to survive, and religion was thought to be irrelevant. But over time they began to take care of one another, helping the sick and wounded, and there was a revival of faith in God.

The book I read right after that was Shantung Compound, by Langdon Gilkey. He was held in the Weihsien internment camp in China where many missionaries (including Eric Liddell), teachers, and other Westerners were held. Their living conditions were better than many other such places. Families had small rooms to themselves, while singles shared larger dorm rooms. They were allowed to keep personal belongings, and they set up committees responsible for various chores. At one point, there were 1400 residents, 200 of whom were Americans. The American Red Cross sent in 1500 large care packages. The majority of the Americans, including some Christians, felt that the packages should be divided among the American residents and not shared anyone else. They wanted 7.5 packages per person. Eventually the Japanese guards had to rule that each person in camp got one parcel and the remainder would be sent to other camps. Gilkey wrote:

“Certainly in camp everyone alike was involved in the problem; none was entirely righteous. ‘Good’ people and ‘bad’ people found it incredibly difficult, not to say impossible, to will the good; that is, to be objective in a situation of tension, and to be generous and fair to their neighbors. In all of us, moreover, some power within seemed to drive us to promote our own interests against those of our neighbors” (116).

Unlike Ernest Gordon’s experience, Gilkey witnessed no change of motivation or resurgence of faith. It’s ironic, but also convicting, that those who had a little bit to call their own were far more selfish than those who had absolutely nothing. It also makes me wonder whether we do more harm than good with some of our “Christian” outreach programs.

After the war, Gilkey spoke to various groups, including a women’s church group. He wrote later:

“We met in a mammoth suburban residence outside Chicago... As I spoke to these smiling and gracious ladies in the living room, out of the corner of my eye I could see two or three maids putting sandwiches, cookies, and towering chocolate cakes on the dining room table. I suppose I stressed the problems of hunger and the need for sharing even more than usual... When I had finished, the president... rose and addressed the following remarks to me.“‘I think our visitor, for all his good intentions, does not understand our point of view on these matters. You see, we don’t believe at all in the value of material things. It is the spiritual values of life that we feel are significant. We believe that what America has to offer the world is her spiritual superiority, not any advantage she may have in the realm of mere material goods... So we send moral and religious writings abroad, and do not approve of concentrating on the things that are not so important to the welfare of the soul’” (228).

As I look at the brokenness of our world today, I note several types of responses. There are those who are quick to recommend and enact social “cures”—relief funds and supplies for hurricane victims, better legislation and security to protect against mass shootings, new jobs for the unemployed, etc. There are others who are eager to provide spiritual support—prayer for victims, a listening ear, and an encouraging word. There are some who will seek to pursue both those avenues of help. And there are some who sit back and wonder what all the fuss is about. I think it is evident that the best efforts of good men will never outweigh the worst schemes of evil men so long as sin reigns in this world. But I think it’s also fairly evident that Christians should seek to do all that we can in serving others, though we often fall far short of that ideal. We will always have to fight against our own instincts for selfishness in how we use our time, money, and possessions, but by God’s grace we can love our neighbors with sincerity.

“Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. Neither is love content with barely working no evil to our neighbour. It continually incites us to do good: as we have time, and opportunity, to do good in every possible kind, and in every possible degree to all men” (John Wesley).

“For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And He died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for Him who died for them and was raised again” (2 Cor. 5:14-15 NIV).

© 2017 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com.

Worship in Truth

Once in a while in a worship service I have the thought, “Why am I singing this song? It’s the opposite of what I feel right now.” One song that I often have a hard time singing is “He Has Made Me Glad.” I realize that feelings aren’t everything and that there are many reasons to have joy in Christ even when we don’t feel glad, but you have to admit that many songs draw on emotional imagery and ideas to convey their message. So I may end up feeling like a hypocrite for singing words that don’t describe me at that particular time. (I’m assuming that the selected songs have correct theology.) I think there are several truths to consider.

1) Worship is commanded.

“Worship the Lord in the splendor of holiness; tremble before Him, all the earth!” (Psalm 96:9 ESV). “Sing praises to the Lord, O you His saints, and give thanks to His holy name” (Psalm 30:4). “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice” (Philippians 4:4).

The biblical authors never said, “Worship if you feel like it.” However, it should be noted that worship is ascribing worth to God, which means recognizing and communicating what is true about God. It is not necessarily an emotional display or an expression of how we might feel at a given moment. Worship is about God, not us.

2) It’s not always appropriate to sing.

“By the waters of Babylon, there we sat down and wept, when we remembered Zion… How shall we sing the Lord’s song in a foreign land?” (Psalm 137:1, 4).

In the context of this verse, weeping was more an act of worship than singing would have been. The Israelites remembered the Promised Land, and no doubt they also remembered their own sins that brought them into captivity in Babylon.

3) Worship is more than singing.

“…When you come together, each one has a hymn, a lesson, a revelation, a tongue, or an interpretation. Let all things be done for building up” (1 Corinthians 14:26). “…present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship” (Romans 12:1).

Worship can take many different forms, and I think churches obscure the truth when they label the musical portion of a service as “worship” and they have “worship teams” whose duty is to lead the music. Prayer, giving, and receiving biblical teaching are all elements of worship.

4) We impact one another.

“…not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near” (Hebrews 10:25). “…addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart” (Ephesians 5:19).

As we gather together, some people are joyful, some are sorrowful, some may be eager to sing, others may yearn for prayer. We are to “bear one another’s burdens” (Galatians 6:2) and “rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15). At times that may take the form of singing words that reflect the experiences of someone else in order to remind all of us who God is and why we can find peace and joy in Him.

I have a bit of a problem with the statement from Kierkegaard that “God is the audience.” I understand that it is a necessary corrective of the idea that the congregation is the audience. However, I think it can lead people to think that worship is an act that we have to perform for God’s benefit. The fact is that God does not need our worship, though He deserves it, and we don’t have to invite Him to come to the performance. And as the above Scriptures say, we are called to gather in corporate worship for the mutual benefit that it brings to all of us. God should be the focus of all worship, because He alone is worthy, but as His Body we need one another as well. We need the frequent reminders of truths that are best communicated through worshiping together.

So it may often be that we sing songs that are theologically true even though they may not feel true on a particular day. Hopefully those who are selecting music and Scripture readings are considerate of the wide variety of experiences and emotions that are represented in a congregation from week to week. The psalmists certainly acknowledged both the ups and downs of life, and we should do the same. God is present in the valleys as well as on the mountains, and so we can worship Him wherever we may be in life.

“The hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship Him” (John 4:23).

© 2017 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. 

Outside In

For the past several days I’ve been thinking about the way God has worked in my life to make me more like Christ. There was a long period of time (probably most of my life) when I thought that my biggest sin problem was behavioral. I thought if I could just master the bad habits I would feel good about my growth in faith (I’m still working on that). But then I began to realize that even if I could avoid the outward behaviors, I still thought about them and desired to do them. As Jesus clearly said, behaviors come from the heart (Matt. 15:19).

So I figured if I could clean up my thoughts and pray for heart change, I would be all set. (I’m still working on that too.) But I’ve also found that some of my thoughts are rooted in wrong beliefs. There are areas where I have chosen my interpretation of Scripture based on what I want it to say and what requires the least amount of change in my life. Just this week I was convicted by my pastor’s sermon that God has complete authority over His creation, and it is not my right to decide what I think Scripture should mean. God’s Word doesn’t talk in terms of “fairness” or “rights” when it comes to stating what is best for us. Sam Allberry made this comment:

“God’s commands are not arbitrary… David says in Psalm 19 ‘The commands of the Lord are radiant.’ His commandments are radiant because He is. And so when we can see His goodness and radiance through what He says, it doesn’t mean we find it easy to live by His ways, but we start to want to.”

God’s Word is only wondrous and radiant to those who are willing to submit to it, and I find that He brings new facets to light only when I’m ready to hear it, believe it, and act on it. When I refuse to submit to the Word, my heart is hardened until some later date when God arranges things (sometimes painfully) such that I have no other options. There have been multiple times when I’ve had to repent and say, “OK, God, I was wrong because I didn’t want to submit to Your Word. I wanted to do things my way and I convinced myself that was okay.” And often those times have come as a result of the Word of God being preached clearly and boldly in a way that I can’t ignore the Spirit’s promptings.

I know that those who argue with God (even unknowingly) will eventually lose the argument. Jesus said, “If you abide in My word, you are truly My disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free” (John 8:31-32 ESV). This is not a one-time event, but an ongoing experience of abiding, learning, and finding freedom.

Alistair Begg made this comment in a sermon on Daniel 9:

“When God is really at work in this kind of heart, the mature Christian ‘o’er his own shortcomings weeps with loathing’ …The longer I go in my Christian life, the more I’m aware of what a sinner I am… The nature of sin confronts me far more today than what it did before, driving me again and again to the Gospel.”

We often grow up with an idea that behavior is all that matters, and if we can act like good Christians we must actually be good Christians. Some nominal Christians never get beyond this point. As we mature we begin to realize that behavior isn’t everything and that God is concerned about our hearts. He doesn’t just want to change our actions but our thoughts, our beliefs, our priorities, and everything that is contrary to His perfect will. His process of sanctification is unending, and each step leads to another step, and another, and another. I sometimes wonder what the next step is for me, but then decide that it’s better not to know. Surrender comes at the end of a battle, not before it starts. What I do know is that He is the Good Shepherd, and He will take me through each valley to greener pastures if I will just follow Him.

“The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes” (Psalm 19:9 NIV). “Open my eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of Your law” (Psalm 119:18 ESV).

© 2017 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. 

Guess Who

Recently someone asked me if I thought that we would recognize people after the Second Coming. My answer was, “Sure. Although marriage won’t exist anymore, there’s no reason we wouldn’t know each other.” I think her main concern was that we would be mourning those who weren’t saved. While I do think there will be a period of mourning at the judgment, we are promised that “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away” (Rev. 21:4 ESV). I don’t know exactly how God will do that, but I think we will be so consumed with His glory that the former things will not matter in comparison. In The Great Divorce, C.S. Lewis imagines hell as being so minuscule and insubstantial that those in heaven are unaware of its existence. Personally, I believe in the complete annihilation of the unsaved after the judgment, so there would be no reason to mourn those who no longer exist.

If God were planning to wipe away all our memories, there is no logical reason for our current existence. He could create new, sinless beings and do away with this fallen world. Our life here and now is integrally related to our future existence in eternity.

Here are some other relevant passages:

Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 13:12, “For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” While I think this refers first to our knowledge of God, I believe it will also apply to our knowledge of one another. We will truly know each other as brothers and sisters in Christ and not just as friends or acquaintances. Currently we only know those things that people choose to share with us. In eternity we’ll know each other with a depth of intimacy that right now probably induces some degree of fear in us.

In 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 we learn, “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” Our godly responses to the trials and difficulties we face in this life are creating some kind of eternal beauty that we do not yet see. One day we’ll look back at our own lives and the lives of others and see how each of us was shaped and made to reflect Christ. We will know things about one another that we can only guess at now.

The fact that we will know one another should be motivation for sharing the Gospel. Otherwise one might say, “I like Joe, but I’m not going to remember him later, so there’s no reason for me to embarrass myself by bringing up the Bible.” Eternal life doesn’t begin after death; it begins whenever we come to faith in Christ in this life: “Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life” (John 3:36). “And this is eternal life, that they know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent” (John 17:3). For the believer, death will be just a temporary interruption prior to receiving a new body.

Jesus did not lose His divinity when He came in the flesh, but rather He added a human nature. Now the resurrected Christ is both fully God and fully man. Similarly, once we receive our resurrection bodies, we will still be fully human and, I would contend, will be even more human than we are now. Our bodies will be imperishable (1 Cor. 15:53) and we will have more abilities than we have now, not less (e.g. John 20:19). We will be like God in ways that we cannot now imagine, but He will still be infinitely greater. And regardless of how it all works out, we can be assured that it will be glorious and that every moment of pain will be worth it all (Rom. 8:16-25)!

“And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit” (2 Cor. 3:18).

© 2017 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com.