Shame Interrupted

Every few years I reread Ed Welch’s book Shame Interrupted. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the feeling of never measuring up, which started early in life. This poem was the result of my ponderings.

***

The voices in my head tell me I don’t belong,
I’m not wanted,
     not welcome,
           not good enough.
I don’t look right,
     act right,
          feel right,
                talk right.
I still hear the whispers behind my back,
Taunts and jibes,
     trying to provoke a reaction.
I won’t let them know how it hurts,
     keep my head down,
Pretend I don’t hear them, I don’t care.
One day soon I’ll leave them behind,
     go to better places.

But the voices still follow me, still echo in my head.
I wasn’t invited,
      I’m not wanted,
             they don’t care.
There is One Voice I trust, One who never fails,
One Who says,
      “I hear,
             I know,
                   I love you.”
He too experienced shame,
Crucified, naked, taunted,
     “If you are the Christ!”
              “Save yourself!”
He endured the cross, despising the shame,
For us, for me.

There are some who speak His words,
     but they too forget,
They don’t hear the voices in my head.
They are dealing with voices of their own.
But God remains,
     interrupting shame,
Reminding me,
       “You are My beloved child.”

“Bearing shame and scoffing rude,
In my place condemned He stood,
Sealed my pardon with His blood,
      Hallelujah, what a Savior!”

“For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, ‘Abba! Father!’” (Rom. 8:15).

© 2024 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Inside Out

In his address “The Inner Ring,” C.S. Lewis noted, “I believe that in all men’s lives at certain periods, and in many men’s lives at all periods between infancy and extreme old age, one of the most dominant elements is the desire to be inside the local Ring and the terror of being left outside.” We probably all remember the cliques in high school and other settings, and the practically universal desire to be seen as part of a special group with some status or power. As adults, we don’t necessarily call them cliques, but they still exist—political parties, classes, industries, and even churches and denominations. Whoever “we” are, there’s often a sense of “us vs. them.”

Dane Ortlund in Surprised by Jesus describes the book of Luke as “The surprise of outsiders as insiders.” He lists many of the outsiders who were invited into relationship with Jesus. Shepherds in Bethlehem, tax collectors, children, prostitutes, Gentiles, and sinners are “in,” while the religious elite and socially respected are “out” when it comes to the kingdom of God. How?

“Jesus went ‘outside the camp’ (Heb. 13:11-13)... Jesus became unclean... for us. He went outside the camp so that you and I, who are unclean outsiders, can immediately gain access inside — inside the only inner ring that matters: favor with God.”

As I’ve dabbled in psychology over the years, I’ve noted the many ways in which we feel “othered” by people. We have different thought processes, interests, abilities, habits, relational and cultural traits. We’ve created labels for every type of variation. Whether intentional or not, whether good or bad, each label describes who is in and who is out.

We often lose sight of the fact that God has invited everyone to belong to His inner ring. In Christ “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Gal. 3:28). Paul wasn’t saying that we should throw away all those designations, but that all are of equal value in God’s eyes. As the KJV puts it, “He hath made us accepted in the beloved” (Eph. 1:6).

At the beginning of His ministry, Jesus said He was sent “to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor” (Luke 4:19). We receive God’s favor and blessing, not because we belong to some select group that lives up to His perfect standard, but simply because God chose us and we accepted His invitation into the Inner Ring. We did nothing to deserve being adopted into His family, and no one else can deserve it either. The invitation goes out to all who recognize that they don’t fit in or measure up.

May we be quick to give thanks for God’s unilateral grace and unconditional love, and may we extend that same love and grace to others who are on the outside looking in.

“But grace was given to each one of us according to the measure of Christ’s gift” (Eph. 4:7).

 

© 2024 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Surrender

I wrote some additional verses to the hymn “All to Jesus I Surrender,” inspired by the following quote from Carolyn Weber in Holy Is the Day:

“I pray for something I have never actually tried before for before: I ask with all I am that my embittering desires be lifted from me. I kneel in the grass and ask God to remove everything that is not a desire first and foremost for him… God must be the Alpha and Omega of my desire if I am to truly live, or else my desires will consume me and I will die not only the Great Death, but countless little deaths landing like stinging nettles on exposed skin, every hour of every day… I desired that in longing for God first, and entrusting all my other longings to him, I would be fulfilled by an abundance far greater than I could ever imagine.”

***

All to Jesus I surrender,
Lord, I give my fears to Thee.
Thou alone my loving Shepherd
through this valley gently lead.

Chorus:
I surrender all,
I surrender all,
All to Thee my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender,
in my weakness, Lord, I fall,
trusting Thou art fully sovereign,
on Thy mercy, Lord, I call.

All to Jesus I surrender,
Thou art Lord of heav’n and earth.
Lead Thy people by Thy Spirit,
Thou, the Head of this Thy church.

All to Jesus I surrender,
lead us in Thy will and plan.
Take us into Thy good future,
lead us by Thy righteous hand.

***

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of [His] heart” (Psalm 37:4).

© 2022 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV and all images copyright free from pixabay.com. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.

Deflated

Last Sunday’s sermon included Mark 11:25 (ESV), “And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses,” along with the question, who do you need to forgive? I confess that my first thought was “myself.” As I thought about it further, I realized that my problem was not unforgiveness but wounded pride. Guilt and shame feel a lot alike. One difference is that shame is not necessarily tied to any actual sin. Many of the things that plague me are not sins but mistakes or errors in judgment—giving an answer that is based on incomplete knowledge of the facts; not anticipating the impatience of angry drivers on busy roads; or misjudging someone’s intentions. In my imaginary world, I would always have perfect knowledge and therefore would always do what is best and would please everyone all the time. Even as I write that, I realize that God’s perfect knowledge and perfect actions still don’t please everyone, and I am far from being God.

In the midst of my ponderings, I read the following in Lysa TerKeurst’s book Uninvited:

“Anything that infuses us with humility is good. Even if it feels a bit like humiliation in the moment, the workings of humility within are a gift. The tweaking of us by God in the quiet is the saving of us in public. The only difference between humility and humiliation is that one chose to bow low while the other tripped and fell there. Either way, the sweetest grace lifted my face, and I saw that on the other side of the stripping of pride are some of the best gifts God gives us.

“The Bible reminds us that on the other side of humility we find wisdom (Proverbs 11:2). We will be lifted up by God Himself in due time (1 Peter 5:6). ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble’ (James 4:6 NLT). Humility isn’t a place of weakness but rather a position that will come with honor (Proverbs 18:12). And humility is an absolute requirement for those who ask God to heal their land (2 Chronicles 7:14)” (pp. 108-110).

Humility is one of those things that is mentioned often in Scripture but rarely discussed in the church. It’s not really something we are interested in pursuing, perhaps because we think of it as the opposite of pride. Tim Keller, in his helpful little book on 1 Corinthians 3:21-4:7, The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness, rightly criticizes the modern self-esteem theory.

“The person with the superiority complex is overinflated and in danger of being deflated; the person with an inferiority complex is deflated already... Deflated or in imminent danger of being deflated—it is all the same thing. And it makes the ego fragile... Trying to boost our self-esteem by trying to live up to our own standards or someone else’s is a trap. It is not an answer... [The] essence of gospel-humility is not thinking more of myself or thinking less of myself, it is thinking of myself less. Gospel-humility is not needing to think about myself.”

The answer according to the Apostle Paul is that God’s opinion is the only one that matters. “It is the Lord who judges me” (1 Cor. 4:4b). And as Keller puts it,

“Do you realize that it is only in the gospel of Jesus Christ that you get the verdict before the performance? … In Christianity, the moment we believe, God says, ‘This is my beloved son in whom I am well pleased.’ … ‘Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.’ … You see, the verdict is in. And now I perform on the basis of the verdict. Because He loves me and He accepts me, I do not have to do things just to build up my resume. I do not have to do things to make me look good.”

I will be the first to admit that this is far easier said than done when the ego starts getting even slightly inflated. The Apostle John wrote, “For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever” (1 John 2:16-17). I’m striving to learn to welcome the little (or big) humiliations that remind me that I am weak but that I serve a strong God. It is indeed a gift of God to remember that He is in control and I’m not. And I need constant reminders that my identity is not determined by my competence at work, having all the right answers at the right times, pleasing everyone, or even my ability to resist some temptation. My identity is determined solely by my relationship with my Father in heaven, and His love for me is unchanging. Therefore I can say with Paul, “But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself” (1 Cor. 4:3).

“Before destruction a man’s heart is haughty, but humility comes before honor” (Proverbs 18:12).

“But He gives more grace. Therefore it says, ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble… Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will exalt you” (James 4:6,10; see also 1 Peter 5:5-6).

© 2017 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. 

Do You Know I Love You?

I just started reading Prone to Love, by Jason Clark. He presents a very simple message, but one that I think many of us struggle to hear and believe: "Remember: God is always saying, 'I love you.' And He’s always asking, 'Do you believe Me?'" (52). Even if we've grown up hearing the message of God's love and we believe it intellectually, it doesn't always become heart knowledge. Once in a while I realize I've become calloused to the message. "Yeah, I know, God loves me, so what?" (That probably happens more than I even notice.) 

I'm not a big fan of the mushy "God loves me" Christian songs that seem to focus on self rather than God, but sometimes we do need to be struck again by the reminder, "Oh, how He loves me!" As Brennan Manning often quoted, "The Father is so very fond of me!"

So what? What difference does it make? I can think of several implications:

-It changes how I see God. He is not the harsh taskmaster waiting to catch me in sin or deducting points for the ministry I fail to pursue. Instead, He is a proud Father delighting in His child. 

-It changes how I see myself. I can learn to love this one for whom Christ died, extending grace instead of condemnation, finding security instead of insecurity, confidence instead of fear, contentment instead of neediness. Although I'm far from perfect, God isn't shaking His head in disappointment and frustration. 

-It changes how I see others. They are not interruptions, annoyances, victims, or enemies, but they are brothers and sisters in Christ, co-heirs of eternity, people whom I can love and invest my life in. 

Jon Bloom wrote in Don't Follow Your Heart, "Nothing exposes the depth of our sin like really seeking to love God with our entire being and loving our neighbors as ourselves (Luke 10:27)." We can't even begin to love God and others well if we don't know that He first loved us. Love is a supernatural overflow from the God who is love. It isn't an emotion, or even a choice, but the outpouring of Christ's life in us. Emotions are fleeting, and choices can be coerced, but true love has only one Source. 

I often think about the image of Jesus holding a little child. “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 19:14 ESV). Evidently children and parents were drawn to Jesus because of His love. I imagine He was kind of like the favorite camp counselor that the kids cling to. It makes me wonder what heaven will be like. Will we all be vying to get close to Jesus to hold His hand? Will there be a line of kids waiting to sit on His lap? Somehow I don't think there will be any competition or disappointment, but I can't imagine what it will be like to have free access to the One who loves us beyond measure. 

I pray that you "may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God" (Ephesians 3:18-19).

© Dawn Rutan 2016.

He Knows

I’ve been reading through the Old Testament lately, and just came to Exodus 2. Verses 23-25 say:

“During those many days the king of Egypt died, and the people of Israel groaned because of their slavery and cried out for help. Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to God. And God heard their groaning, and God remembered His covenant with Abraham, and with Isaac, and with Jacob. God saw the people of Israel—and God knew” (ESV, emphasis added).

Just three little words, but they tell so much of the story, and of our story. God knew that the Israelites were in a desperate situation in Egypt; after all, He was the one who arranged for Joseph to be in charge in Egypt during the years of famine. God knew they needed help. But more importantly, God knew that He already had a plan in the works to redeem them through the hand of Moses.

In more recent times, God knew the suffering and decimation of the Jews in Nazi Germany. God knew what was happening on 9-11 as planes were being hijacked. God knew what was happening with every major earthquake, hurricane, and tsunami ever recorded. It’s hard for us to look at massive deaths and destruction and believe that God is both in control and concerned for His people.

And it’s not just the events that make the national news. Friends of mine from college have a daughter who was born with multiple birth defects. She has endured (and thrived) through numerous surgeries, and recently celebrated her 16^th birthday. They will be quick to tell you that she is “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14). God not only knew what He was doing, but He “knitted her together” the way He chose.

Ravi Zacharias brings it close to home for me in his book The Grand Weaver:

“To be able to accept the wonder and the marvel of one’s own personality, however flawed or ‘accidental,’ and place it in and trust it to the hands of the One who made it, is one of the greatest achievements in life. His ‘registration number’ is on you. Your DNA matters because the essence of who you are matters and whose you are by design matters. Every little feature and ‘accident’ of your personality matter. Consider it God’s sovereign imprint on you” (28).

He later says:

“Faith is a thing of the mind. If you do not believe that God is in control and has formed you for a purpose, then you will flounder on the high seas of purposelessness, drowning in the currents and drifting further into nothingness” (43).

I’m sure we all go through times when we wonder whether God is paying attention and if or when He might intervene. Nations go to war, churches split, couples divorce, children are left orphaned, and yet through it all God knows. Individuals go through physical or mental illness, all kinds of abuse, and even death, and God knows.

If you read on through the book of Exodus, you see all the details that God worked out to free His people from slavery in Egypt. He is at work today in working out His master plan and weaving His grand tapestry. We may never get to see the bigger picture in this lifetime, but in the life to come we will be awestruck by the beauty He has created out of what seemed so messy and painful at the time.

On my bathroom mirror I have taped Matthew 10:31, which with the context from verses 29-30 says: “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.”

He knows, and He cares.