Conflicting Feelings

If there were one historical figure (not including those mentioned in the Bible) that I could invite to speak at my church sometime, I might choose John Newton. Probably most Christians know that he was a slave trader turned cleric and abolitionist, and the author of “Amazing Grace.” I just came across another hymn that he wrote:

Conflicting Feelings

Strange and mysterious is my life.

What opposites I feel within!

A stable peace, a constant strife;

The rule of grace, the power of sin:

Too often I am captive led,

Yet daily triumph in my Head [Christ].

I prize the privilege of prayer,

But oh! what backwardness to pray!

Though on the Lord I cast my care,

I feel its burden every day;

I seek His will in all I do,

Yet find my own is working too.

I call the promises my own,

And prize them more than mines of gold;

Yet though their sweetness I have known,

They leave me unimpressed and cold

One hour upon the truth I feed,

The next I know not what I read.

I love the holy day of rest,

When Jesus meets His gathered saints;

Sweet day, of all the week the best!

For its return my spirit pants:

Yet often, through my unbelief,

It proves a day of guilt and grief.

While on my Savior I rely,

I know my foes shall lose their aim,

And therefore dare their power defy,

Assured of conquest through His name,

But soon my confidence is slain,

And all my fears return again.

Thus different powers within me strive,

And grace and sin by turns prevail;

I grieve, rejoice, decline, revive,

And victory hangs in doubtful scale:

But Jesus has His promise passed,

That grace shall overcome at last.

***

I think that sometimes we in the church, especially those who have been Christians for many years, may tend to give others the impression that we no longer struggle with sin. Some may be judgmental toward others whose sins are more public. Our sins may not be as evident, but we all still have them. Newton’s hymn illustrates how easily we slide into unbelief, no matter how much faith we may exercise at other times.

There are some hymns that I don’t like to sing, because they give the false impression that true Christians can overcome every doubt and sin in this life (for example “Since I’ve Learned to Trust Him More” by Francis Blackmer). On the other hand, I don’t want to give my sin more weight than it should have, because I know that all my sins—past, present, and future—were carried to the cross and forgiven by Jesus’ blood. Newton seems to strike the right balance between “This is my experience, but this is what is true of me in Christ.” Near the end of his life he said, “I remember two things very clearly: I am a great sinner and Christ is a great Savior.”

The Apostle Paul wrote in Romans, “So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus. Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions” (6:11-12). But a chapter later he said, “I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing” (7:18b-19). If even Paul had this struggle, can we be any better? We all need reminders that we are great sinners, but Christ is a great Savior.” We can proclaim along with Paul, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus!” (8:1). His grace, mercy, and love will have the final word in our lives.

“Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, for His steadfast love endures forever” (Psalm 136:1).

© 2022 Dawn Rutan text and photo. Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture are ESV. The opinions stated do not necessarily reflect the views of my church or employer.