Redeeming Singleness

Barry Danylak published Redeeming Singleness in 2010. As I was reading his extensive survey of Scripture and theology, something came to my attention although he did not exactly address it in this way.

The Old Testament opens with the command to “be fruitful and multiply” (Gen. 1:28) followed by “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Gen. 2:24 ESV). That is soon followed by various genealogical listings. In contrast, the New Testament opens with a genealogy pointing to the One born of a virgin, and He never married or had biological children. The new command Jesus gave was “Go therefore and make disciples of all nations…” (Matt. 28:18). Those facts alone illustrate the nature of the new covenant initiated by Jesus Christ. It is no longer about bearing biological children to fill the earth and carry on the family name. Instead it is about becoming spiritual children of the One True God and teaching others to do the same. This can be illustrated by the chiastic structure:

• Creation
• Command- “Be fruitful and multiply”
• Marriage with children
• Heritage
• Children without marriage
• Command- “Go and make disciples”
• New Creation

I’m sure much more could be said on that, but I’m not prepared to write my own book. On a related note, Danylak wrote:

“There is sometimes a tendency, especially among the idealistic young who presume to have most of their years yet before them, that singleness is a temporary period of one’s life until one finds an eternal soul mate in marriage. This passage [Luke 20:34-36] is a reminder that in the scope of eternity the opposite is actually the case; marriage is for a season and time, until, as the traditional marriage vow reads, ‘death do us part.’ It is as single and free individuals that we will stand before his throne and live for all eternity” (165).

Danylak spends most of his final chapter focusing on Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 7. I appreciated his comments on the gift of singleness, in particular because I’ve heard others argue an opposite position (and I may have agreed with them at times). He wrote:

“A spiritual gift is not a talent or bestowment for one’s personal benefit but a divine enablement given for the mutual benefit of strengthening the substance and mission of the church… In view of both Paul’s and Jesus’ statements, we can define the charisma of singleness this way: The charisma of singleness is a Spirit-enabled freedom to serve the King and the kingdom wholeheartedly, without undue distraction for the longings of sexual intimacy, marriage, and family…

“[The] gift of singleness is not simply the situation or status of being unmarried. Unless one marries the day after puberty, one will inevitably live part of his or her life as a single person. There are some who may have to live their entire lives as single people, without the gift of singleness—not ever finding a suitable mate. As we noted earlier, Jesus recognized that some are eunuchs not because they chose to be but because of factors outside their control. However, those who have the gift of singleness can remain single by choice.

“Paul is not suggesting that both singleness and marriage are spiritual gifts… [Marriage] does not entail special manifestation of the Spirit for edifying God’s people and serving the kingdom of God… Moreover, suggesting that marriage is a gift complementary to singleness leaves those who are single involuntarily in an ambiguous state. They do not have the ‘gift’ of marriage, but neither do they have the ‘gift’ of singleness, as their desire is to be married” (199-201).

Or as Sam Allberry put it, “What if someone is married but decides they don’t have the ‘gift’ of marriage?” Even if others disagree, it is worth thinking about whether our beliefs about marriage and singleness are based on scriptural principles or not.

“…The unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit…” (1 Corinthians 7:34b).

© 2018 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com.

Still Single and Satisfied

The following is an article I had published in 1999. One reader at the time thought that it was too snarky. Although I might phrase things a little differently today, my underlying beliefs have not changed. I know other singles in the same boat, as well as some who wish they were married, but I also know married folks who wish they weren’t. I’ll add a few thoughts at the end.

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What’s the first thing that is mentioned when a young, single woman joins the church? Usually it’s “We’ve got to find you a husband and get you married off.” At least that’s what they told me. Why can’t they let me be content with who I am? People are always trying to set me up, even though I’ve told them I’m not interested in dating or marriage. There’s an underlying assumption that to be unmarried is to be incomplete. Just because the Bible says that Adam and Eve “became one flesh” doesn’t mean they were less than whole before that. Marriage is a special case where 1+1=1, not ½+½=1. And don’t tell me “It’s not good for the man/woman to be alone.” When God said that about Adam, he was the only person on earth, not just an unmarried person in a marrying society.

So why am I not interested in dating or marriage? There are several reasons I would like the matchmakers to be aware of:

1) “In [Christ] all the fullness of Deity dwells in bodily form, and in Him you have been made complete” (Colossians 2:10 NASB).
I am complete in Christ, so being unmarried does not make me less of a person than someone who is married. Jesus Christ supplies all my needs for affirmation, affection, attention, and acceptance. Apart from Him, I have no other needs that any man could fill.

2) “And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness’” (2 Corinthians 12:9 NASB).
Though many people consider women, particularly single women, to be weak and unable to protect themselves, God has shown His strength to be sufficient. There are many evils in this world that we could be afraid of, but even a man can’t protect me from most of those things, while God will protect me from anything that is not in His will for me. God will provide, protect, preserve, and persevere for me because He is sovereign.

3) “But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I… One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:8, 32 NASB).
For whatever reason, God has called me to this time and place as a minister for Him. For me to get seriously involved with someone would take a lot of time and energy I need to spend learning from the Lord and doing His work. I know that I am still growing “in grace and in the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” (2 Peter 3:180, and that “He who began a good work in [me] will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6). I don’t want anything to hinder my relationship with Him.

4) “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations… and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age” (Matthew 28:19-20).
This was the last command of Jesus while He was on earth, and I believe it is my own great commission to make disciples in obedience to Christ. That entails a lifestyle of building relationships that will have eternal consequences, unlike marriage, since Jesus said, “For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage” (Matthew 22:30). The marriage relationship is for the purpose of fulfilling God’s original command in Genesis 9:7 to “be fruitful and multiply.” Jesus initiated a new method of multiplying by making disciples. This doesn’t necessarily negate that of biological multiplication, but I believe it does make it less important. I don’t feel the need to bear children, and indeed, I wouldn’t want to try to raise children in the world today. It is much more important for me to be a discipler than it is to be a mother.

I believe God has given me the gift of celibacy, at least for the time being. I haven’t dated in eleven years [now 26 years!], and I don’t feel the need to start dating now. If God wants me to marry at some point, He will be the One to convince me of that, not anyone else.

So, before you start matchmaking for every single person in your church, consider this: not every single person is single for the same reasons. Some, like me, are single by choice and don’t want help meeting every eligible person around. Others may want to date and eventually marry, and they might appreciate a neutral place to meet others of like-mindedness. Also, in today’s society, we must also consider that there are some who do not want to date because they are homosexual. For such a person, efforts to set them up will only further alienate them from the church, which is the only place where grace makes complete healing possible. At least have the courtesy to ask people if they want to meet some eligible singles before you tell everyone you know who so-and-so should meet and marry. “For I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am” (Philippians 4:11). So by the grace of God I will continue being “single and satisfied.”

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The reason this article came to mind this week is that the enemy tried to hit me with a lie. I’m sure most parents hope that their little girls will grow up, marry, and have kids of their own. The thought crossed my mind, “I wonder if my life was supposed to have a different story line?” Thankfully, God quickly reminded me of the truth: “Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them” (Psalm 139:16 ESV). God doesn’t revise His book because of choices that I make. He knows every sin, scar, and success. He already knows the picture He is making out of all the puzzle pieces of my life, and He’s not left wondering, “Now what do I do with that piece?!”

He knew in advance all the events that would take place and how they would shape my character, desires, and choices. If He had intended for me to desire marriage and children, He certainly could have made that possible, but then I would be someone other than who I am. Although I may occasionally wish some parts of my life were different, I’m okay with being who God has made me. Such is my life!

© 2015 Dawn Rutan.