Hello, Darkness

I’m a little late for Mental Illness Awareness Week (the first week of October), but thought I should go ahead and post this anyway. Every year I dread the coming of autumn because for many years it has meant an increase in depression symptoms starting around Labor Day. Sometimes that includes unexpected “crying attacks,” or as I’ve also referred to them, the depressive equivalent of panic attacks. After that happened one time recently, I shared with a friend that this is frustratingly familiar territory.

Today I was reading an article in the November issue of Guideposts. The author heard from someone who experienced panic attacks: “I used to fight those panic attacks. Now I just try to see them as a familiar part of me. When I feel one coming on, I say, ‘Hello, old friend,’ and I talk to it. All the power fizzes out of it.” Although I haven’t tried that particular tactic with depression, that’s the kind of accepting attitude I am trying to cultivate. I can’t change whatever is going on in my body, and medications don’t help during these months, so my only option is to accept and endure with as much grace as possible.

I was reminded of Simon & Garfunkel’s words in The Sound of Silence, “Hello, darkness, my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again.” But the reason I feel compelled to write this comes later in the song, “‘Fools,’ said I, ‘You do not know silence like a cancer grows. Hear my words that I might teach you. Take my arms that I might reach you.’” Chronic or recurring depression is one of those private battles that are often endured silently. It feels like it takes too much effort to make people understand, and we don’t have the energy to maintain relationships during these times. We feel like we’re carrying cement blocks on our backs and we can’t get rid of them. Many of us continue to work only because we have bills to pay, but we’d rather crawl in a hole and sleep until spring.

We don’t need sermons on joy or lectures on positive thinking. We need reminders that we are loved in the midst of the battle, and that God is present in the darkness even though we can’t see Him. Endurance is possible, but we can’t do it alone. We need support, which may range anywhere from an encouraging word and prayer to medication and hospitalization, depending on the person. I tried for a long time to get through on my own strength, but I learned several years ago that I need to let other people inside so they can fight the battle for me and with me.

John Piper wrote the following in Desiring God, and it’s also included as the devotion for October 29 in Solid Joys:

“All experiences of suffering in the path of Christian obedience, whether from persecution or sickness or accident, have this in common: They all threaten our faith in the goodness of God, and tempt us to leave the path of obedience. 

“Therefore, every triumph of faith, and all perseverance in obedience, are testimonies to the goodness of God and the preciousness of Christ — whether the enemy is sickness, Satan, sin, or sabotage. Therefore, all suffering, of every kind, that we endure in the path of our Christian calling is a suffering ‘with Christ’ and ‘for Christ.’”

So for those of you who share this present darkness, don’t give up and don’t go silent. Let others in so they can be praying for you and supporting you as best they can. And for those who are our friends, take seriously the call to pray for us, bear our burdens, and love us as brothers and sisters in Christ. We thank you.

© 2017 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com.

Enduring with Joy

I’ve been reading Be Still My Soul: Embracing God’s Purpose & Provision in Suffering, edited by Nancy Guthrie, which is a collection of 25 readings by various authors. The following are several quotes that I’ve noted and clung to in recent weeks.

“God permits what he hates to accomplish what he loves.” –Joni Eareckson Tada (35)

“You are one person living at one place, at one point in time and even if God chose to explain to you how all the pieces of his giant puzzle are fitting together in a manner consistent with his own righteous and holy and gracious nature, so that he may faithfully fulfill his promises in your life and work everything that happens to you for your good, you couldn’t understand it. But you can believe that God understands it. And you can believe that God is loving enough, and powerful enough, and wise enough, and gracious enough, and faithful enough to you to do what he says when he promises to work everything for your good.” –Wilson Benton, Jr. (59)

“It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until he has hurt him deeply.” –A.W. Tozer (89)

“Sanctified tribulations work the proof of our faith, and this is more precious than that of gold, which perisheth, though it be tried by fire… [Your] own faith in God is proved when you can cling to him under temptation… I find it especially sweet to learn the great strength of the Lord in my own weakness.” –Charles Spurgeon (104-105)

“It was as if the Savior was saying, ‘I can demonstrate my power better by not eliminating your problem. It is better for you, Paul, and for my glory in your life, that I show my strength by keeping you going though the thorn remains.’ …The weaker we feel, the harder we lean. And the harder we lean, the stronger we grow spiritually, even while our bodies waste away. To live with your ‘thorn’ uncomplainingly, sweet, patient, and free in heart to love and help others, even though every day you feel weak, is true sanctification. It is true healing for the spirit. It is a supreme victory of grace. The healing of your sinful person thus goes forward even though the healing of your mortal body does not. And the healing of persons is the name of the game so far as God is concerned.” –J.I. Packer (139-140)

“‘Blessed [happy] is the people whose God is the Lord’—that is, who count enjoying God as their happiness—when they lose everything, they can still be happy because they have not lost God. Our afflictions reveal our state of mind; when we see outward crosses as the greatest evil, God is not our main happiness. In the greatest lack of earthly things there is happiness, and comfort enough in God’s covenant.” –Thomas Manton (143)

“As we sang [Since Jesus Came Into My Heart], I wondered how everyone in the chapel was processing that statement in light of real life experience when sea billows of joy do not roll over the soul. Here’s how I fit it in my own experience: Yes, since knowing Jesus, joy has rolled over me like the waves of the sea, but not always. There are times when the tide goes out. God is still God; joy is still joy; but I am baking in the seaweed on the beach waiting for the tide to come in… God’s purpose in our weakness is to glorify the grace and power of his Son… not by getting rid of all our weaknesses; but by giving strength to endure and even rejoice in tribulation. ” –John Piper (145, 151)

And one final reminder that my pastor shared with me:

May you be “strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy; giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light” (Colossians 2:11-12 ESV).

© 2017 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com.

A Furry Lesson

I met a furry little friend several days ago and named him (or her) Squirrel Nutkin. I believe he must have fallen from his nest and been injured. He holds his head at an angle and stumbles and falls when he tries to walk. I doubt he’ll be able to climb trees. So I worried about him and I prayed for him. When I first saw him, he stayed in one place for about an hour and I went out to check on him periodically. The last time I looked he was gone, and I didn’t know whether his mama took him back to the nest or if the local hawk found a snack. But then two days later I found him again, and again he stayed in one place for a long time and even took a nap on the ground. When I went back to see if he needed a warmer shelter for the night or a supply of sunflower seeds to sustain him, he was gone again. At this point I’m assuming that his mama is still watching after him.

After that encounter, I was reading a book that cited Psalm 147:9 (ESV): “He gives to the beasts their food, and to the young ravens that cry.” That verse led me on to Matthew 10:29-31, “Are not five sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father… Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.” I was convicted on several counts:

1) Why am I anxious over the fate of a young squirrel when God knows his needs far better than I do? Humans are notorious for “rescuing” animals that need no rescue. And even my imagined “worst case scenario” would provide a meal for another of God’s creatures. 

2) Why am I anxious about many things in my own life when God knows each need and He values me more than many sparrows? I don’t know how to deal with even the squirrel-size problems, so why do I think that worrying will help me find solutions to the bigger problems? God will provide the answers if and when the time is right. 

3) Why does it seem more profitable to pray and expend energy on a young squirrel than on friends and loved ones who don’t know God as their Lord and Savior? Some of those folks do make it into my prayers regularly, but not as frequently or fervently as they should.

Jesus said, “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble” (Matthew 6:33-34). If seeking God and loving Him are our first priority, everything else will fall into place. But that can be hard to remember when the things of this world clamor for our attention. It takes diligent effort to keep everything in perspective.

Jerry Bridges wrote in Trusting God:

“I mistakenly thought I could not trust God unless I felt like trusting him (which I almost never did in times of adversity). Now I am learning that trusting God is first of all a matter of the will, and is not dependent on my feelings. I choose to trust God and my feelings eventually follow… The same David who said in Psalm 56:4, ‘In God I trust; I will not be afraid’ said in Psalm 34:4, ‘I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.’ There is no conflict between saying, ‘I will not be afraid’ and asking God to deliver us from our fears. David recognized it was his responsibility to choose to trust God, but also that he was dependent upon the Lord for the ability to do it.”

I don’t know what Squirrel Nutkin’s future may hold. (If I see him again I’ll try to get a picture.) I do hope he’ll be around for a long time, if for no other reason than to remind me that God takes care of His creatures as He deems best, and I can trust Him to take care of me.

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God… casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you” (1 Peter 5:6-7).

© 2017 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com. 

Selfish to Selfless

I have a bit of a fascination with reading biographies from World War II. I’ve read several in the past few years. Recently I read two that created a curious juxtaposition. The first was To End All Wars, by Ernest Gordon. He tells about his time in the concentration camp that built the bridge over the river Kwai. At first the prisoners were selfishly stealing from one another in their effort to survive, and religion was thought to be irrelevant. But over time they began to take care of one another, helping the sick and wounded, and there was a revival of faith in God.

The book I read right after that was Shantung Compound, by Langdon Gilkey. He was held in the Weihsien internment camp in China where many missionaries (including Eric Liddell), teachers, and other Westerners were held. Their living conditions were better than many other such places. Families had small rooms to themselves, while singles shared larger dorm rooms. They were allowed to keep personal belongings, and they set up committees responsible for various chores. At one point, there were 1400 residents, 200 of whom were Americans. The American Red Cross sent in 1500 large care packages. The majority of the Americans, including some Christians, felt that the packages should be divided among the American residents and not shared anyone else. They wanted 7.5 packages per person. Eventually the Japanese guards had to rule that each person in camp got one parcel and the remainder would be sent to other camps. Gilkey wrote:

“Certainly in camp everyone alike was involved in the problem; none was entirely righteous. ‘Good’ people and ‘bad’ people found it incredibly difficult, not to say impossible, to will the good; that is, to be objective in a situation of tension, and to be generous and fair to their neighbors. In all of us, moreover, some power within seemed to drive us to promote our own interests against those of our neighbors” (116).

Unlike Ernest Gordon’s experience, Gilkey witnessed no change of motivation or resurgence of faith. It’s ironic, but also convicting, that those who had a little bit to call their own were far more selfish than those who had absolutely nothing. It also makes me wonder whether we do more harm than good with some of our “Christian” outreach programs.

After the war, Gilkey spoke to various groups, including a women’s church group. He wrote later:

“We met in a mammoth suburban residence outside Chicago... As I spoke to these smiling and gracious ladies in the living room, out of the corner of my eye I could see two or three maids putting sandwiches, cookies, and towering chocolate cakes on the dining room table. I suppose I stressed the problems of hunger and the need for sharing even more than usual... When I had finished, the president... rose and addressed the following remarks to me.“‘I think our visitor, for all his good intentions, does not understand our point of view on these matters. You see, we don’t believe at all in the value of material things. It is the spiritual values of life that we feel are significant. We believe that what America has to offer the world is her spiritual superiority, not any advantage she may have in the realm of mere material goods... So we send moral and religious writings abroad, and do not approve of concentrating on the things that are not so important to the welfare of the soul’” (228).

As I look at the brokenness of our world today, I note several types of responses. There are those who are quick to recommend and enact social “cures”—relief funds and supplies for hurricane victims, better legislation and security to protect against mass shootings, new jobs for the unemployed, etc. There are others who are eager to provide spiritual support—prayer for victims, a listening ear, and an encouraging word. There are some who will seek to pursue both those avenues of help. And there are some who sit back and wonder what all the fuss is about. I think it is evident that the best efforts of good men will never outweigh the worst schemes of evil men so long as sin reigns in this world. But I think it’s also fairly evident that Christians should seek to do all that we can in serving others, though we often fall far short of that ideal. We will always have to fight against our own instincts for selfishness in how we use our time, money, and possessions, but by God’s grace we can love our neighbors with sincerity.

“Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. Neither is love content with barely working no evil to our neighbour. It continually incites us to do good: as we have time, and opportunity, to do good in every possible kind, and in every possible degree to all men” (John Wesley).

“For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And He died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for Him who died for them and was raised again” (2 Cor. 5:14-15 NIV).

© 2017 Dawn Rutan. Unless otherwise indicated all images are copyright free from pixabay.com.