Just As I Am

This post kind of builds on my last post…

Do you ever get the feeling you just don’t fit in? That’s been a recurring theme in my life. I don’t watch sports (though I did enjoy the NBA when the Bulls were good and I lived in Chicago-land), nor do I watch most of the current TV offerings or even the news. I don’t cook, I don’t enjoy parties, I don’t like games, and I despise small talk. So that pretty well limits the social opportunities I participate in. Even back in elementary school I felt like I had nothing in common with my so-called peers. I’ve never been very confident that I know what’s expected of me in social situations. (Somebody probably would have labeled me with Asperger’s Syndrome if that had been well-known back then.)

I had one of those moments this week when I felt like I was trying to be something I wasn’t, and that being myself might have negative repercussions. I wondered why I was there and whether I really belonged there. When I had some time to think about it, I was drawn back to Psalm 139 (ESV):

v. 1- O Lord, You have searched me and known me…
v. 2- You discern my thoughts from afar…
v. 14- I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made…
v. 16- In Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me…

As much as I’d like to argue with David’s words here, I have to believe that he was led by the Spirit to write God’s truth, and that these words apply to me as well. For whatever reason, God has given me a unique personality, shaped by my genetics and my life experiences, and He has a unique role for me to serve in His Body. Just because I don’t fit the mold of many groups doesn’t make me deficient in any way, nor does it make me superior. It just means I’m different. And because I’m different, I see and experience things in a unique way and I can try to communicate my experiences in a way that may benefit others.

For all of its emphasis on tolerance and diversity, our culture still tries to put people in boxes. For just one example, I think of a teenager who isn’t attracted to the opposite sex. Society says, “Well, they must be homosexual!” But how do you factor in the trauma that teen has suffered from physical, sexual, or emotional abuse as a child? Before accepting a label and adopting a lifestyle, probably all of us could use some good counseling to figure out why we think and feel the way we do and whether those things have to define us forever.

Psalm 139 is a reminder to me that God has formed me and He knows me better than I know myself. Therefore it’s okay to be who He made me, quirks and all. (One caveat—“That’s just the way I am” is never an excuse to live in sin. After all, Jesus died to redeem us from slavery to sin and to make us new creations in His image.)

I know that “be yourself” is easier said than done. We tend to think peer pressure only effects young people, but when was the last time you laughed at a joke that you didn’t think was funny? Have you attended an office party out of an obligation to look good in front of your boss? I suspect that the majority of people live behind a mask at least some of the time—at work, or church, or in public, or maybe even at home. We’re so used to the masks that we forget we’re wearing them.

You’d think that church ought to be a place where people are free to be themselves, but it seems to me that Christians are as cloaked as everyone else. We feel like we might be judged for our struggles with sin, our lack of Bible knowledge, our family situations, or any number of other things. I’m not exactly sure how we can go about changing the church culture, but I think it has to begin with a certainty that “it is He who made us, and we are His” (Psalm 100:3). If God has chosen us, accepted us, and made us part of His Body, then we can learn to accept ourselves and love one another “as is.” But if we question those facts at any level, then we will live in fear for ourselves and in judgment of others. I’m trying to move in that direction by God’s grace, and hopefully leading the way for others.

In John’s writings, he places a lot of emphasis on truth and light—“You will know the truth and the truth will set you free” (John 8:31); “I rejoice greatly to find some of your children walking in the truth, just as we were commanded by the Father” (2 John 4); “If we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another” (1 John 1:7). It seems to me that living behind a mask is a form of deception, and therefore is not walking in truth and light. As such, it becomes a hindrance to true fellowship with one another. Nothing breaks fellowship faster than believing the lie that everybody else has it all together and you don’t (or vice versa). It also hinders our ability to “worship the Father in spirit and truth” (John 4:23-24).

I suspect that this will continue to be a recurring theme for me and for many Christians. Our world does not encourage honesty and vulnerability, so we’ll always be fighting an uphill battle. But one day all the masks will be torn away. It just now occurred to me that when we get to the Kingdom, it won’t be like those awkward “get to know you” games that I’ve always hated. Rather, it will be a place where we’ll all feel perfectly comfortable with ourselves and with one another. I’ll be glad to see that day come.

“For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known” (1 Corinthians 13:12).