There are two things I’ve been
thinking about for the past week or so, and it turns out they are related.
The first is the idea of
relinquishing all authority, decisions, and control—as if returning to
childhood, when someone else had all the responsibility for taking care of my
needs. (At least that is one example. I have others I can’t share.) While I was
wishing that could be the case, God reminded me, “What do you think I am here
for?” He is the one who is in control of all things, so why can’t I let Him do
His job? One reason is that I’m not quite sure how to let go of the big stuff,
much less the small stuff. Heck, I can’t even let go of jobs that other people
can or should be doing. I live by the motto, “If you want it done right, do it
yourself.” So what can I do to let God be God? I guess the first, and perhaps
biggest thing, is to accept His promises on faith. Of course, that assumes that
I know what He has promised through His Word. He says He’ll provide, taking
care of everything from clothing the lilies to giving us daily bread. He says
He is always there, always aware of what is going on, and will never give us
more than we can bear. But most of the time I don’t believe that He cares or
will provide, and it seems like it’s up to me to get it done.
The second thought is wondering
what the future holds and whether it is worth waiting for. As a child, you
can’t wait to get old enough to drive, then to graduate from high school. Then
maybe you can’t wait to graduate from college and get out in the “real world.”
And then you get a job and find out that it doesn’t fulfill all your
expectations either, no matter how many different jobs you try. And for some,
marriage and family are goals that you can’t wait to reach, then maybe empty
nesting and grandkids. But at some point, at least I think this is true for
most people, you start asking, “Is this all there is?” Maybe that’s what a
midlife crisis is all about. I’ve been wondering whether I’m just biding my
time until either something new happens or the end comes (whether through death
or the Second Coming of Jesus). Doesn’t God have something better in mind than
for me to do my job, collect my paycheck and go home? So with those thoughts in
mind I have tried to make some small changes in my life that might make me at
least feel more productive. (In psychology terms, they call this stage
Generativity vs. Stagnation.)
Then last night I started reading
John Ortberg’s book The Me I Want to Be.
And he hits on the same topics. I’m just a couple chapters in, but what I’ve
learned from it so far is that there is nothing I can do to make myself better.
God made me, He knows me best, and He has plans to use me in ways that I can’t
foresee. I can’t fulfill my own expectations, or anyone else’s for that matter.
But God can fulfill His expectations to make me who He wants me to be. Ortberg
writes, “Languishing is the condition of someone who may be able to function
but has lost a sense of hope and meaning.”
And, “To be spiritually alive means to receive power from God to have a
positive impact on your world.” (Sorry I don’t have page numbers, but I’m
working from the Kindle version.)
I’m still pondering what this all
means, and how to get to the point of letting God get on with what He’s already
begun in me (Philippians 1:6). I know I can’t do it myself because I’ve tried
for years and it has only made me miserable. I’m hoping Ortberg will have a few
clues on how to let go. Meanwhile I’m trying to immerse myself in the promises
of God and let them saturate my brain and my spirit. I need a bigger bulletin
board for all the index cards of Scripture I’m accumulating!
