When Tears Are Worship

We’ve probably all heard the definition of worship as “ascribing worth to God” or something similar. We tend to think of worship as what we do on Sunday morning, gathering together in joyous (or perhaps tedious) songs of praise and in prayer. Reading the chapter on worship in John Piper’s book Desiring God I got a new picture of what worship can be.

As I’ve been struggling with depression and frequent bouts of crying for no discernable reason, there are two thoughts that often come to mind. First, “Why is this happening?” And second, “Help me Lord!” At those times, I am realizing again how small I am and that I have no control over anything in this world. But I also realize how big our God is, not only in control of the universe but of each of His children as well. Nothing escapes His notice. And when I come to Him with empty hands and broken heart, I am worshipping Him by acknowledging that He is the only One who can heal me, and fill me with joy and peace.

How many times did the psalmist cry out to God for help and deliverance? Psalm 42:3 says, “My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me continually, ‘Where is your God?’” What about Peter in his time of failure by denying his Lord and then being forgiven on the seashore? How about Paul in prison, shipwrecks, and everything else he faced? Through it all our heroes of the faith worshipped God with their tears.

 

What an amazing thing it is that we have a God that not only loves people in general, but He loves me specifically. He not only loves me, but He likes me and wants to spend time with me (Zephaniah 3:17). So I’m reminding myself that even though I don’t understand what’s going on, my God is still worthy of worship because He is God and I’m not. What does the Father desire but for us come to Him and be swept up in His loving arms? And whether we come running in joy or in pain He still delights in being Abba Father. “Little ones to Him belong, we are weak but He is strong!”

Why Obey God?

In college one of my favorite classes as psychology, and my favorite section of the class was the study of Lawrence Kohlberg’s theory of moral development. It came to mind again this week after the revival services at church, which coincided with me reading John Piper’s book Future Grace. So in an effort to combine all three trains of thought, the following is one theory as to what motivates us to obey God. The rationale varies from person to person, as does the level of obedience. To paraphrase Kohlberg, the stages are:

1) Fear of punishment

2) Seeking reward (what’s in it for me)

3) Seeking approval (good boy; social norms)

4) Maintaining social order (law and order)

5) Social contract (what’s best for society, even if it is not legal)

6) Universal ethical principles

I would suggest that a lot of “evangelistic” preaching is focused at the first level-- forcing people to obey God out of fear of future punishment-- trying to “scare the hell” out of people. This approach may work on a superficial level for a period of time, but it fails to address the issues of the heart. The second level isn’t much better-- I’ll obey just enough to get into heaven (hopefully).

The third level seems more “Christian” at least superficially. I’ll be good and go to Sunday school and try to keep my parents and teachers happy. If I’m good enough then maybe God will accept me. One problem is determining what is “good enough.” Depending on who we compare ourselves to, we may feel we’re doing well. But compared to the holiness of the perfect God, we’ve totally missed the point.

The fourth level focuses on the fact that if people obey the law, then the world will be a better place. Those who disobey the law deserve whatever punishment they may receive, both now and in the hereafter. But whose law are we obeying? Is it the law of whatever country we reside in, or the law of the Lord of the Universe?

At the fifth level comes the realization that some things need to be done even if they are outside the laws of men. You might think of those who have chosen to proclaim their faith even in the face of death. Civil disobedience is an effort to bring a greater good to the world, and perhaps to get the laws changed at the same time.

And finally, the universal ethical principles-- and I would say “godly principles.” Those who have truly understood the grace of God are anxious to obey Him, not to gain His approval, to win a place in heaven, or even to express our thankfulness, but because “Christ’s love compels us” (2 Corinthians 5:14). We obey because He loved us and therefore we are enabled to love Him. Even when we fail to obey, we know that we have forgiveness in Christ and are fully accepted by Him (Romans 5:1, Colossians 1:21-22).

I would argue that few Christians (perhaps nominal Christians) ever reach the upper levels of development. Many do the “Christian thing” out of habit, perhaps trying to please a parent or spouse, and hoping to tip the scales of judgment in their favor. But God desires an obedience that comes from a heart motivated by love. “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength” (Deuteronomy 6:5). In Matthew 22 Jesus emphasizes this motivation as the only way to fulfill the law and prophets. Even the Scribes and Pharisees missed the point, so it’s little wonder that so many Christians are in the same boat.

“I pray that you being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God” (Ephesians 3:17-19).

Introverts

I was recently reminded of the Myers-Briggs personality inventory. A year or so ago I tested as “ISTJ,” and I found some good descriptions online. I guess I’d summarize it as being conscientious to a fault-- even to the detriment of my physical and mental health. I don’t know if it’s part of being an introvert, or one of my other clinical diagnoses, but I’ve always found it much easier to write than to interact verbally in nearly all situations. I hate the telephone because there’s no way to plan for the conversation. Face to face meetings are somewhat easier if I can kind of read the situation. But the larger the group the harder it is to form any coherent statement that will contribute to the discussion.

The difficulty in conversations is that I have too many thoughts going through my mind to decide how to put them into a coherent sentence that is relevant to the subject at hand. I’m constantly thinking-- What do they mean by that question? What answer are they expecting? What answer will satisfy them? What do I believe about the subject? Does this person believe the same way I do? Can I safely say what I believe without offending them or making them categorize me? If I say this, what is the next question going to be and am I ready to answer that one? Is this a 5-minute conversation or 15?

It was brought to my consciousness in a counseling session a few weeks ago (and is part of the reason I quit going). She gave me the standard, “You can say anything to me.. You can even tell me you think I’m missing the point.” But then I made a comment simply in order to be honest, knowing that if I didn’t say it up front, she’d later want to know why I was hiding it. Anyway, my comment came out, and from that moment on that was the whole focus of her attention. It ticked me off because that particular issue was not the reason I was in her office. So I went back to my routine of carefully measuring the safety of every sentence.

Besides the difficulty of maintaining conversations, I have to mentally rehearse nearly every conversation I’ve had during the day. And if I know I have a meeting coming up, I try to rehearse every possibly contingency of what I need to say, what I can’t say, and where the discussion will lead. Sometimes my brain gets stuck on a relatively simple explanation. It’s as if I’m stuck in the middle of a geometry proof-- I can’t just say to myself “a triangle has three sides,” but I have to explain to myself that the sum of the angles is 180 degrees, the Pythagorean theorem, sine, cosine, and tangent formulas… Maybe it’s the mental equivalent of OCD-- if I don’t complete the thought I can’t move on to the next thought.

Anyway, the reason I’m going through all this right now is that I know many businesses discourage the use of email because of its impersonal nature and is often misinterpreted. But they don’t understand that some of us communicate much better by email than in person. It is less frightening and a lot faster in most cases. Going back to the introvert label, it is draining to be around people to listen to all that they have to say, especially if they are the type of person who thinks out loud and never gets to a point. I like to avoid all such interactions, even if I know that I have something valuable to contribute. Even people who work in the same field, and should have about the same knowledge that I have, can be an irritant if they can’t get to the conclusion as fast as I can or in the same way I do. If it’s clear that A+B=C, then why do they complicate things by explaining that C-B=A?

As an introvert, I’ve constantly been challenged by any kind of competitive activity, from card games to basketball. I remember in grade school I would “cheat” at Bingo to make sure someone else would win before me. I had no desire to draw attention to myself by winning. Then there was the ubiquitous Sunday school activity of “who can find the Bible verse first?” I knew perfectly well that I could find them first, but I wasn’t about to try. Team sports have always intimidated me with the worry that I might somehow embarrass myself. At least in track I had a place where I quickly learned I could excel without worry (though I did feel bad about beating a girl who was two or three grades ahead of me).

It’s also tough to have an IQ that’s higher than 98% of the world. (Yes, I’m a Mensa member, at least until the next time my dues are up.) Even if I have a good idea that could benefit others, I’m afraid I’ll have to explain it to someone who just doesn’t get it.

So what do I take away from these ramblings? I know that God has made me unique, and it’s okay to be different, but sometimes I wish I weren’t quite so different. And while I know that He will help me do whatever He requires of me, that doesn’t make it much less scary. Some things have gotten easier over time, but He keeps stretching my comfort zone.

One Person's Story

In some respects it started in 1999 when I was diagnosed with depression and put on medication. But in reality it started many years earlier, before I was old enough to know what depression was. Being a shy child and moving from one state to another every few years, I was usually lonely and isolated. It’s hard to be happy when you have no close friends, and move just as soon as you start to fit in. I remember being quite young and crying to my mom, “I feel like nobody loves me.” Of course I was loved, and I knew that, but there was some unexplainable unhappiness within me. I suppose if I’d been born a few years later I would have been medicated as a child. 

Junior high and high school brought new tortures. Anyone who was quiet, smart, or a little different was victim to numerous bullies. The school bus was the worst. Since mine was the last stop, the seats were mostly filled and the few that remained were obstinately refused to be yielded. Even kids several years younger than me would take the opportunity to prove they were too cool for someone like me. I begged to go to a Christian school or to be home schooled, but that was not allowed. It didn’t help that I skipped 7^th grade and thus ended up a grade higher than the kids who had been my friends, and a year younger than all my classmates. The blessing was that it meant I could get out of that atmosphere a year sooner. I'm glad that was before the days of school shootings, because some of my classmates would have followed the trends.

Attending a Christian college was a little better in that I found many people with similar interests and beliefs. But there were some difficulties there too. My junior year I was selected to be an Resident Assistant, but the experience was so overwhelming for me that I was forced to resign due to my depression. I was also forced to see a counselor for a few sessions, but I didn’t get much out of it because I was so resentful at being there. I did manage to survive as an RA for my senior year however. One of the memories that still makes me cringe is that at the end of the year, my Resident Director, who had known me for four years, told me that she’d always thought of me as “just another student” even though I had thought we were closer than that. After all, I had even worked one summer with her at a Pioneer Girls camp. She also told me that she felt our relationship was like rough sandpaper. Reflecting on it now, I truly believe she was dealing with some emotional problems of her own, and probably didn’t realize the wounding power of her words.

Whether from coincidence or intuition, my senior research project was on the biological function of antidepressants (long since outdated). Now that I’ve had some personal experience with several different antidepressants, I realize how variable they are from one person to another, and even variable at different times for the same person. I’ve been on at least 6 different meds over the years, often two at the same time. I’ve also had a couple different anti-anxiety meds. In my own case, I think the major cause is chemical insufficiencies in my brain; however, I know that circumstances, events, and beliefs can also play a roll in feelings of wellbeing.

I’ve been through some counseling in years past that has helped me to look at things a little differently. Sometimes I know I should reconsider my perspective on issues, but I don’t always want to do that. At times it feels easier to live with depression than to take steps to resolve the issues that may be contributing to it. It’s especially hard when there are other people involved--people I don’t want to confront about their lack of cooperation and communication, or people I don’t want to hurt by questioning whether they are doing the right thing in the right way. And I also don’t want to be seen as an irritant by complaining too often about things that don’t seem quite right to me. I don’t know if it is related to my job and/or gifts of wisdom and discernment, but I frequently feel like I have a unique perspective on things that are happening. I always hope that someone else sees the same picture so that I don’t have to be the one to defend my perspective. I’ve been shot down in groups a couple times for voicing my opinion, so I usually just keep it to myself. Ironically, in the two instances that come to mind, the group leader specifically asked me for my opinion and then turned it around to make me sound like a heretic.

Those are just a few of the factors that have made me who I am today. In general I would say that I am content with who I am, where I am, and what I am doing. My only desire is that I would be more conscious of dwelling in Christ and that His joy may complete in me.

Running on Empty

Last week I read Running on Empty: Contemplative Spirituality for Overachievers by Fil Anderson (WaterBrook Press 2004). When I started reading it, I rushed through the first several chapters as I am prone to do. (Sometimes I enjoy finishing a book more than actually reading it.) Anyhow, somewhere towards the end of the book the subject matter started to sink into my brain and I slowed down. Now I'm rereading it and trying to savor the thoughts. The basic premise of the book is that too often we think that we have to be busy to be good Christians, and that God loves us for what we do. So we have to be reprogrammed to slow down, accept God's unconditional love, and simply enjoy His presence.

Anderson writes, "Our relationship with God is not the result of our efforts. Rather, a loving and gracious God acted on our behalf, granting us a most benevolent gift. Coming to see that God has searched me out and found me--and not the other way around--was breathtaking... The truth that God could love me just as I was, without my doing a thing for him, seemed too good to be true" (p. 43). He tells early on in the book how his misconceptions of God and self were physically draining him and led to physical and mental breakdown. I can relate to that. The stress of trying to work for God, yet not knowing how to depend on Him, has taken its toll on me at times. I'm reminded frequently that God only promised our daily bread, not our yearly rations.

One of Anderson's recommendations is planning regular times to be still before God, getting away from all the distractions of life and listening more than listing our requests. The past couple weeks I've been doing a bit of that. I have a path in the woods behind my house, and when I'm not busy riding my bike around it, I have a log where I like to sit or lay back and simply enjoy the creation. Sometimes I read this book or some Scripture, sometimes I think and pray, and sometimes I just sit and listen. I've learned a couple things in the process:

1) My trail illustrates to me our freedom in Christ... Before I cleared the path I had occasionally wandered in the woods, but I was always nervous about either getting lost or going off my property and possibly running into hunters. Now that I have the path I know where the boundaries are and I feel free to wander, knowing that I can't get too far lost. That's a bit like the role of the Law. It provides the boundaries so we know where we are safe. Yeah, we occasionally go outside the lines, but we rarely stay there for long when our heart is at home with God.

2) One day I was pondering how someone like Ray Boltz can openly proclaim his homosexuality and say that "I feel God's love more now than I did when I was living a lie." I'm not going to judge whether he has a real relationship with the Savior or the theological basis for his beliefs. But what I did realize is that we all have some particular sin that we hold onto and perhaps even celebrate. Whether it is sexual sin, or gossip, lying, pride, coveting, etc., it is all sin in God's eyes. We're pretty good at grading sin from 1-10 as far as being forgiveable or unforgiveable. Thankfully God's grace far exceeds our own!

Another quote from Anderson, "Nothing I am capable of doing will ever cause God to love me more, simply because God can't love me any more. And nothing I ever do will cause God to love me less; God can't do that either... God hasn't chosen to love me because of things about me that he finds lovable. God's love has everything to do with what's true about God. It is God's nature to love, and so God loves me naturally" (44-46). That's good news for those of us who are tired of trying to earn God's love and man's respect. Sometimes the best thing we can do is relax!

I'll probably share some other quotes and thoughts later. I'd definitely recommend this book to my fellow Type-A overachievers out there.

Last of Harry Potter

**spoiler alert**

If you haven't yet seen or read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, but plan to, you may not want to read further...

The final movie came out today, so I decided to see it in the theatre (something I rarely do for numerous reasons). First off, I have to say that all of the books are better than the movies, but I was pleased at how the movies stayed true to the story.

Besides the fact that I enjoy reading a bit of fantasy now and then, one thing that pulled me into the books was the Christian allegory. From the very beginning you can see that it is a classic good vs. evil narrative. C.S. Lewis wrote somewhere that the best stories are those that reflect the Christian truth. J.K. Rowling also stated that her faith is key in writing (and reading) the Harry Potter books.

The final book and movie complete the Christology with the death and resurrection of Harry. He had to die at the hand of Voldemort in order to save humanity from the ongoing threat of an evil lord. But because Harry had been marked by Voldemort, and indeed was the horcrux Voldemort never intended to make, when Harry was attacked and killed he was able to return to life with his soul intact and unblemished. Then when he finally killed Voldemort, there was no way for V. to return to power as he had in the past.

Obviously no allegory is perfect, and neither was Harry. He made mistakes, lied at times, and didn't always treat people the way he should. But in the end he made the choice to sacrifice himself, and that made all the difference in the wizarding world.

Christians who object to Harry Potter probably also reject the Chronicles of Narnia and all sorts of fiction. In my opinion they are being shortsighted and they are trying to live in a safe, Christian bubble, totally divorced from the world. There are far worse books, movies, and videogames that young people are getting into. Rather than fear that Harry Potter may introduce a child to witchcraft, how about judging the books based on their moral character? Growing up I read a lot of sci-fi and fantasy, and some of it could and should have been thrown in the trash. So to me the Harry Potter books were a breath of fresh air-- one series that I like to reread about once a year. Now if I could just find out where to buy a wand... (kidding!!)

Music music music...

I got to thinking the other day about the church and music. Where else can you go and join people in singing songs every week? Unless you're in a community choir or sing opera, there aren't many places where you are regularly asked to sing along... maybe the occasional concert. That got me to wondering about other religions. I did a quick search and found only a limited number of websites for Islamic or Buddhist hymns. Granted, there may be a lot more in Asian/Middle Eastern countries. But I doubt that they have the wide range of religious music radio stations that are found in the US-- Christian Rock, Southern Gospel, Bluegrass, etc etc etc. We can even take our pick of CDs or MP3s in stores and online.

That spurs a few thoughts:
1) We sing because we have something worth singing about-- the Almighty God who loves us and has redeemed us.
2) From Bible times onward, God has inspired people to write songs of praise that are then shared in the congregation.
3) We should be thankful that we live in a nation that gives us the freedom to sing about our God almost anywhere we want to.

"I will sing of my Redeemer and His wondrous love for me!"